Finding Joy

This is part 2 of the story Pursuit of Happiness. You should read it first.

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This story is another glimpse into the life of Todd Mitchell, man-slut, on his quest for spiritual enlightenment through sex.

Chapter 1

Life has a way of surprising you. It is like the Universe has a plan for you and slowly unveils it. Sometimes things go well, and the surprises only add to your bliss. Other times, like the murder of my beloved Carie, an event can come as a shock that can crush you. It is hard to reconcile the two and continue to be happy.

How is it that pure evil, malice, and hatred can co-exist with beauty, peace, and love? How is it that the same Universe, or God, who brings us new life and the wonders of art and music, can allow for rape, murder, and atrocities to occur? How are we supposed to cope with bitter and sudden loss?

I don't know. I don't have the answers. I'm still pursuing happiness. Maybe someday I will figure it all out and write a book.

I've heard it said that in life, there are only two things we can control: what we think and how we act. I've come to believe that. We have no control over what other people do, say, or think. We cannot change what happens in the world. The important thing is that we remain mindful of the joy and happiness that can be ours, even when things seem to be going badly.

As Candice once told me, "the Universe wants you to be happy." I've felt that, at times. You can feel it when you are connected to another person making passionate love with them. You can feel it when your pleasure is intense and prolonged, and you are no longer aware of your body. You can feel it when pure, powerful, loving energy flows through you. When you feel connected with everything, and you are one with the Universe, at that moment, you know: the Universe wants you to be happy.

So, then, what stops us from feeling that all the time and being truly happy?

It's not just one thing, I'm sure. It would be extraordinarily easy if the answer were that simplistic. However, what I've come to realize is that, by and large, the thing which prevents us from being happy is us. We do it to ourselves. It is our own, self-defeating, egos which prevent us from hearing that "still, small voice" inside of us. It is our idea of self which won't let us be happy.

Our analytical conscious mind is a blessing and a curse. It enables us to achieve great feats of science and engineering, yet it gives us this illusion of ourselves that is separate, unique and flawed. We perceive things. We analyze them. We interpret them. We feel needs and wants. We become possessive and hold on to things and people as property, to feed the needs of our minds and our egos.

It is at times when our conscious intellect is either relaxed and calm or completely distracted, that our subconscious mind can be free. To our subconscious, there is no concept of "me." It simply is. It is connected to everything and feels the pure love flowing through us. The subconscious is happy.

So, as I said, life can surprise us. It was one of those sudden surprises that helped me learn a bit more about finding happiness; but at the time, I wouldn't have believed it.

I had been living with Candice and the other members of our little tantric circle for almost a year since the night of my first puja. I had taken to studying and practicing yoga with high intensity. I'd also learned much more about Tantra as a way of life, and about the life-force and how it works.

I had even started teaching classes in our yoga studio. Sometimes after the classes, I would sit around with a couple of our students to talk. It was an excellent way for me to express my feelings and to clarify my thoughts. I was a student, learning and applying what I had been taught, and sharing it with others. Doing so helped me gain a deeper insight and understanding.

After a few classes, the number of people sticking around to hear me talk grew to a handful of curious students. Each day, the numbers increased. Within a couple of weeks, everyone would come by and sit and listen. I invited them to join me in meditation, and soon I was helping them explore their inner selves through guided meditations.

I would meditate and begin to speak, painting a visual landscape for them, in words. I would take them on an inner journey of imagination, visualization, and exploration. I never planned any of the sessions, but instead, I was guided by where the energy took me. I wandered a world of dreams and shared this world with them. Together, we traveled the ethereal realm. After, we would all feel invigorated and alive.

I had just ended one of these sessions, and my students had gradually all gone about their day, leaving me alone in the studio. I felt her presence before I saw here. She came in on gossamer wings, floating lightly to stand beside me. In my mind, I saw the winged Goddess Isis. When I opened my eyes, Candice was before me, her golden aura glowing brightly.

She smiled and sat with me, taking my hands. I saw her cheeks were wet and her eyes were red. She had been crying. She kissed my hands and started to speak.

"Todd, I have cancer," she whispered timidly.

I felt the weight of the world come crashing down on my shoulders. I thought for a moment that perhaps I had misheard her. I stared at her, my eyes wandering over her face, looking for some sign of deception or humor. I found neither.

"Are you sure?" I asked, reeling from the shock.

She nodded slowly. "Yes, we got a second opinion. I haven't felt right for a long time, but I ignored it. Lately, the pain has become hard to hide, and I had no choice but to see a doctor."

I tried to smile, to reassure her that this was something she could beat. I wanted to tell her that she was strong and could fight it and that I'd be there for her. But, I saw the look in her eyes, and I knew. I knew.

"How long do you have?" I asked softly.

She sighed and looked at the ceiling as if God were there to help her. Tears fell from her eyes and ran down her cheeks. Her voice wavered as she said, "Maybe weeks, maybe a few months. Not more."

I felt a sharp stab in my heart, and I felt my tears begin to flow. I pulled Candice to me and kissed her. She seemed to melt against me as if the strength she had needed to tell me had left her. We held each other in silence for a long time. Finally, she straightened up and continued.

"I'm leaving, Todd. Michael and I are going to Costa Rica to face the end. Peggy is coming with us, too. Mom has a little cabin there that she got from one of her ex-husbands."

"I'm coming, too," I said without hesitation.

She put her hand on my lips to stop me from speaking and shook her head.

"No, darling," she whispered, "I can't bear to have you see me fade away into nothingness. I want you to remember me as I am now, as I have been. I want you to remember the good times. If you come with me, your memories of me will be about the disease, death, and sorrow. I want you to celebrate my life and the love we have shared."

I cried openly. I understood Candice's desire, but it broke my heart to know that I would not be there for her in the end.

"When will you leave?" I asked.

She kissed me again, and I knew.

"No, no," I cried out, "this can't be the end for us. I love you, Candice. I need you in my life. I can't bear to be away from you. Please, don't go. Please, let me come with you. I want to be near you."

"Oh, Todd," she said as she fought back the tears, "Don't you know by now? You will always be near me. Death is not the end. It is only a waypoint on the journey of life. Our love is undying. It is only this body that is failing me. When you breathe, you breathe me in. When you smile, you feel my heart. When you make love, you will feel my pleasure and be inside me."

I knew not to argue with her. She had her feelings, and I needed to respect them, no matter how hard it was for me.

"It is your ego, Todd, that so desperately wants to cling to me," she said as she brushed my tears away. "The ego is possessive and greedy. It wants. It needs. The true you, the inner you, has no wants, no needs. It simply loves and gives and shares. Remember me with joy. Remember me with love. Have a long, happy life, my beloved."

With that, she stood and walked away and out of my life forever. I learned that she passed away peacefully two months later, with her husband Michael by her side. She was cremated, and by her wish, her family spread her ashes into the ocean.

The studio closed. Our group fell apart. The other members all moved on with their lives. I hear from Jasmine now and then. She moved to Vancouver and opened a yoga studio. We get together for hot yoga and even hotter sex whenever I pass through.

Candice had been right. It was my own selfish need for her affection that made me feel bad. When I think of her, I never feel sorrow or sadness. I remember the vivacious, sexy woman with whom I shared a deep and passionate love. She made me happy on so many levels, and even today I feel joy when I think of her.

She was right about something else, too. I feel her in my heart all the time. She's always there. I can close my eyes and breathe in slowly and let the Universal Light flow into me and through me. When I do, I hear her voice. I smell her hair. I feel her smooth skin against my body. She is there.

And the biggest surprise of all was Candice was not alone. One evening, as I meditated, I felt Candice's presence again. I opened my eyes, and she was there smiling down at me. Standing next to her was a beautiful angel, my Carie. She smiled sweetly, and I felt love pouring into my heart so intensely that it took my breath away.

The next day, I was cleaning out my new studio and preparing for my first class. I heard the bell of the door and turned to see her standing there. For a moment, I would have sworn Carie was back from the dead. As I stared, her face seemed to morph. I nearly gasped as I saw the twinkle of Candice's beautiful eyes looking back at me. I blinked a few times, trying to clear my vision and I finally saw her face clearly. While I could see a resemblance to both Carie and Candice in her eyes, her lips, her chin, I realized that she was someone else.

"I'm sorry," she said with a slightly British accent, "but, I was wondering if you're still accepting new students. I just moved here from Vancouver, and my friend Jasmine there spoke very highly of you. She said that you are a true Master and that I should study with you."

"Oh, you know Jasmine," I said smiling broadly. "I still have a few openings. Did she tell you that this is a school of tantra?"

The lovely blonde blushed slightly, bit her bottom lip and said, "Yes, she told me all about your methods and what it's all about. I would love to learn from you."

I extended her my hand. "Wonderful," I said. "I'm Todd, and you are?"

"I'm Joy," she replied, as we both felt the electricity flowing through our hands.

"Yes," I responded as I pulled her into a hug, "I believe you are."

Chapter 2

Joy lay naked on a soft futon cushion surrounded by candles. The futon was on a raised platform so that her body came up to my hips, while I stood next to her. She looked amazing. Her perfect 34C breasts stood up firmly, with her long, erect nipples pointing upward. Her slender body was on full display, with her shaved pubic mound uncovered. Her legs were slightly parted, giving me a clear view of the crease where her outer labia met.

She was breathing calmly. I leaned down and whispered to her. "Are you comfortable? Do I need to adjust the temperature?"

"No," she answered, "I'm fine. Just nervous is all."

I kissed her cheek, "No need to be nervous," I assured her, "You'll do fine. Just relax and trust me."

"I trust you," she said, "and I'll try to relax."

I smiled, then stood up. I was wearing a white, cotton, long-sleeved, loose-fitting shirt, and baggy, tan linen pants. My shoulder length hair was pulled back into a ponytail. I looked around the room full of attendees. Most were couples, but there were also several single women and two, single men. All were seated around the platform, and their eyes were all glued to the beautiful nude body of my wife and partner Joy.

"Welcome everyone," I said softly, trying to get their attention. A few looked up at me. "Ahem," I said louder, pretending to clear my voice. "Welcome everyone!"

That got their attention. "Thank you for joining us this evening for our presentation. Tonight we are here to explore the beauty of the female orgasm through tantric touch and the Yoni massage. If you came to the wrong class, now is the time to leave. The knitting circle meets down the hall on the right."

Everyone laughed nervously, but thankfully nobody got up to leave. "To begin, we will show you the massage, so that you can all observe it fully. Then, after, we will go through the technique and teach it to you. You will all be encouraged to try it on each other, but only after you pass a written exam and sign a non-disclosure agreement."

When nobody laughed, I added, "That was a joke." There was a smattering of laughter. One of the wives in the front row raised her hand.

"Yes?" I asked looking at her.

"So, will we get to try the techniques out here tonight?" she asked, grinning and looking at her husband.

"Not in this class, unfortunately," I replied. The woman pouted, and there was a general sound of disappointment from several people. "However, after the class, we will invite any interested couples to stay for a more hands-on lesson."

The woman perked up and winked at her husband, or at me. I wasn't sure which.

"I'd like you all to meet my beautiful assistant for tonight, my highly orgasmic wife, Joy. Everyone say hello to Joy."

Joy raised her hand and waved, acknowledging the greetings of the participants.

"Alright, without further ado, let's get started."

I turned the room lights down to dim, letting the candlelight be the primary source of illumination. I held a stick of Sandalwood incense into one of the candles and lit it, then slowly walked around the platform, swinging the smoking stick around. The scent spread quickly, filling the room with its warm, woodsy scent. When I reached the top of the platform, I placed the incense into a holder and then offered a brief prayer.

"We welcome the Universal Light, the source of all life, to flow freely here. May it bring pleasure, life, and love to all. Namaste."

I moved to the top of the platform, standing above Joy's head and placed my hands lightly on the sides of her face, my thumbs touching on the center of her forehead.

"Breathe in slowly and feel the Universal Light descend and enter through the top of your head."

Joy inhaled slowly and deeply. He breasts rose as she did, and I felt her shudder softly.

"Breathe out and feel all of the tension and stress leave your body."

She exhaled slowly. I looked around the room. "Feel free to join in and experience the meditation with Joy. If you are open and attuned to the Inner Light, you may experience some pleasant sensations."

"Breathe in and feel the warmth of the Light as it moves down the front of your body. Feel it tingling as it opens your third eye and caresses your face," I lightly pressed my thumbs between her eyebrows, then brushed my fingertips over her cheeks. Her mouth opened as she inhaled stronger than the first time.

"And breathe out slowly and feel all of the muscles in your head and face and neck release their tension and melt into the futon," I said in a soft, chant-like manner.

"And breathe in again and feel the warmth descend and open the energy center at your throat and fill your heart with love," I placed a hand, palm down, lightly over the base of her throat and between her breasts. Joy let out a slight moan. Her breasts rose even higher.

"And breathe out slowly, releasing all of the tension in your shoulders and chest and back, feeling the muscles let go and relax, all of your negativity flowing away.

Her body seemed to sink slightly into the futon.

"And breathe in again, feeling the love and lust of the Universal Light descend from your heart, caress your breasts and flow down through your abdomen and into your pussy. Feel it flooding with the soft kisses and lapping tongues of energy."

As I said these words, I stepped around the platform and moved my hands down, one resting over her belly button the other laying flat over her pubic mound, just barely touching her. Her legs parted just a little, and her hips jerked when my hand brushed her skin.

"And breathe out slowly, feeling all the stress and tension of the day melt away. Feel all of the muscles in your abdomen and your lower back, and your womb relax and let go."

I stepped around to the bottom of the platform letting my hands slowly and softly glide over her legs. I placed one hand over her vagina and the other touching her feet.

"And breathe in and feel the pure light energy flow down from your womb, through the base of your spine and down your legs to your feet, filling you with warmth and love and life."

I continued down and put my hands on the bottoms of her feet.

"And breathe out and feel all of the muscles in your hips, your pelvis, your thighs, your calves, and your feet release and let go of all tension. Feel your body relax as you melt into the futon."

I stepped back up to stand beside Joy's body. She was breathing slowly and steadily.

I placed a hand about an inch above her breasts and the other over her womb. Neither hand had touched her body. She moaned and her hips bucked. I drew a few slow, steady breaths in cadence with her breathing.

"Visualize the energy forming a ball over your chest, centered in your heart. Feel the energy vibrating your breasts, licking and teasing your nipples."

Joy's body started to shake softly.

"Visualize another ball of energy forming between your legs, filling your pussy with warmth and desire and lust. Feel the blood flowing into your clitoris, making it engorged and hard. Feel your labia thickening, and your moisture starting to form."

A woman behind me moaned. Joy's hips began to shake.

"Feel the energy flow from your heart, teasing and toying with your breasts, down into your pussy with each inhalation, then from your pussy shooting up and showering your tits with electric pleasure as you exhale."

As I said inhalation, I moved my hand down her body and up again as I said to exhale.

"Inhale and feel your pleasure rising," I moved my hands from her breasts to her pussy, without touching her, as if I were scooping something invisible and pliable and pushing it down. Her chest lifted up from the futon as I did.

"Exhale and feel your pleasure deepening and spreading," I said as I moved my hands up from her pussy to her breasts, again moving them as if I were scooping some invisible energy and pushing it up to her breasts.

I placed my hands on her breasts and Joy groaned loudly. I began to knead the flesh of each of them softly, letting my hand slide around them, round and round.

"Continue to breathe and become even more deeply relaxed, feeling the energy flowing inside you, raising your pleasure, your lust, your need, and your love."

I picked up a bottle of scented oil and poured it slowly and liberally on her breasts. She gasped and raised her upper body. I rubbed the fat around her breasts, massaging them and kneading them slowly. I paid particular attention to her nipples, pinching them and rolling them, coating them in the oil.

My hands worked her breasts for several minutes. I continued speaking to her in the calm, relaxing manner. Finally, I slowly ran my hands down her abdomen. I raised the bottle and poured the warmed oil on her lower abdomen, her pubic mound and thighs. She struggled to continue to breathe slowly and deeply but managed to do so.