Chapter One
"I'm so fucking horny."
Penny's words registered like molasses in my mind, slow and thick. We were high as two kites, twirling in the skies somewhere way past consciousness. Earth to Ben. Earth to Ben. Your girlfriend is calling. "Oh, yeah?" I chuckled, returning to the moment, but to my ears it sounded more like a giggle, tinny and sharp. I tried again. "Oh, nice." That didn't seem right either.
"Ben, I want to get fucked."
She sounded more insistent, bright brown eyes flashing in the candlelight on the veranda. The sounds and smells of the party inside filtered through to me, and I grew distracted by the way the rolling horizon seemed to inhale and exhale, the colors of the sunset technicolor-like in their saturation. People were chattering in the distance and I could hear indistinct words. Someone had been saying something... wait, shit. "Babe, I uh... I don't know if I can... okay, let's give it a try? We can find a bedroom." Way to sound unconvincing. Even my own intoxicated self felt major doubt at my words. I stared at a cloud, seeing infinity within.
She went quiet for a moment and I tried to focus. She was gorgeous, curvy and tan with long, loose curls and the softest skin. It seemed to glitter - between makeup, her own drug-induced dewy glow, and my visuals, she looked like a goddess. An untouchable goddess - I didn't feel capable of getting up in the sense of *standing*, much less any other. I smiled at her, trying to convey the awe and love I felt while her pout deepened. We'd been dating a year and this was the first time we'd tried anything so crazy - her older brother was throwing a birthday party, one of their guests brought "party favors", and we thought... fuck it. She wasn't that close to her brother, hadn't seen him for years, since before we'd even met - but the stars had aligned for us to attend and she'd said it seemed like a good time to reconnect and introduce me. So we came.
That had been an hour and a half ago according to my phone, but it felt like more. Now we were deep in it. I'd... what was I doing? My girlfriend was staring into the distance. She groaned, "Nevermind. It's fine. Forget it."
I said, "Hang on - really, I want to." Nope. I just wanted to sit on this lawn chair and stare at the patterns in the world. I felt like if I looked for long enough, I'd uncover the deepest mysteries of the universe. I knew it wasn't real, don't get me wrong, but the *feeling* of ultimate meaningfulness... the feeling was.
She rolled her eyes at me. "I don't want to if you don't want to, silly, let's just enjoy the party. I'm going to go get snacks."
I could tell she didn't totally mean it - just like she could tell the lie in my earlier words. We got one another. Well, we had one another.
I watched the nonexistent writing on the brick wall for a while longer, rows and bars of mortar twisting and shimmying into pleasing shapes. Eventually it got dark and I started wondering where Penny and the sun had gone. I went looking. The hallways of this house - rented for the party, I guess - were decorated at even intervals with paintings that kept distracting me, so it took ages to get to the kitchen. There was her brother, Luke, and his coterie. "Hey man, happy birthday! Amazing party!" I'd already said that a few hours ago, but I figured it didn't hurt. "Have you seen Penny?"
Luke looked remarkably like his sister, if a decade older, with the same whimsical disposition, sun-bronzed skin and brown curls. He shot me a grin and shook his head, "Nah, what's up? Losing my sister?" His friends cackled and I laughed, hoping he didn't think I was *uncool* in being unable to handle myself - wait, what was I even thinking? We're adults. Get a grip. Weird how I didn't feel like much of an adult - where the hell was Penny? I was starting to get worried.
I retorted belatedly, "I'd never!" and went off to continue my search, trying to walk like I was familiar with the concept. I felt like I was playing QWOP, that game with the - the person and the legs?
