Valentine's Day. I hadn't found a date so I went to my favorite hangout.
I pulled up a stool next to a woman at the bar and exchanged smiles.
"I'm waiting for my Valentine's date," she announced before I had a chance to say anything.
"Okay, I'll move over when the guy gets here," I offered.
"Who said it was a guy?" she said, turning to glare at me.
"Um, uh..." I stammered.
"I'm just messing with you," she said as she broke into a smile. "I'm actually waiting for someone I met online. I'm already annoyed at him for making me wait alone in a bar."
I gave her the usual flimsy handshake that men exchange with women, you know, with just a light grasp of fingers.
I made a comment about her wedding ring, also showing her mine. She was separated too and just starting in on the dating scene. I told her I had failed trying to find a Valentine's date.
The guy showed up and I moved over to the next stool. He handed her a red rose that he must have just bought from a street vendor. They exchanged the standard empty compliments.
He had a beer belly, a comb over, and yellow teeth.
"You don't look like your profile picture," I heard her say to him.
"That was me from a couple years ago," he lied.
They started in on some small talk and my attention wandered elsewhere. The ladies in the bar had dressed up for their dates so there were plenty of short skirts and low cut tops to ogle. Everyone was paired off, so women's beach volleyball on one of the screens behind the bar was going to be my entertainment. Brazil vs. Italy.
Something brought back my attention. Imagine the combined smell of perfumed laundry detergent, body odor and one of those colognes they advertise on TV. It had to be the guy next to me. She saw me wrinkle my nose.
He put his hand on her upper thigh. I smiled when I saw her push it away. She smiled back at me.
I almost spit out my beer when he blurted, "Tell be about your wildest experience."
"My wildest experience is going to happen tonight," she purred, leaning in to him.
I leaned in too.
"When I tell you this is not working for me! Take a hike!" she barked.
"Frigid," he muttered as he got up to leave.
She made sure he heard, "Worst Valentine's Date Ever!" as he strode to the door.
She reached over and offered me a fist bump which I gladly returned.
Valentine's dates were filing into the bar so I scooted back next to her. A younger married couple elbowed into the empty seats next to us.
"I still need to figure out this online dating thing," she sighed.
"I have had very little luck myself," I lamented. "It's a big hustle."
The barkeep acknowledged a sign for two more.
Black slacks and an oversize turtleneck sweater left lots to the imagination. She had a pretty face and short brunette hair. I guessed she was my age. Red lipstick and some Valentine's heart jewelry completed the picture.
We started in telling our back stories. She had caught her husband cheating, she wasn't sure if they were going to save the marriage. That was my story too. We had a 'I didn't love him/her, It will never happen again' plea in common. Our glasses made a melancholy clink.
"Tell me about your your wildest experience," she said, getting us both chuckling.
"Let's see," I stalled, trying to think of a somewhat tame story. "Here's one." I told a tale of a bachelor party where someone hired two strippers, by accident, with ensuing hilarity. "Your turn."
"Okay," she thought for a moment. She told a tale from her college days. She was traveling with a girlfriend and stopped to visit an old boyfriend. He had a one bedroom apartment, with a roommate who slept on the couch. They ended an evening of drinking with her on the couch, the roommate on the floor, and the other two the bedroom. She heard them going at it in the bedroom and crept over to the door to listen, the roommate joining her. They leaned too hard against the door and stumbled into the room. The boyfriend told them there was room for more in the bed.
She stopped to take a slow sip from her drink.
"So did you join them?" I begged her to continue.
"Um, hm," she coyly replied, taking another sip.
"So, like, were the two guys on opposite corners of the bed? I queried.
"Yes, they were on opposite corners, but they wanted to watch us ladies, so we put on a good show for them," she chirped. Then she elaborated all the details. My member surged against my jeans. "Your turn," she said.
I took a deep breath. I was going to tell her about a recent bisexual threesome.
"I have a tale from my travels," I started in telling her about meeting a couple in a Las Vegas hotel hot tub. I watched her eyebrows raise when I related all the juicy details.
"I have a Las Vegas story too," she chimed in. "We had a ladies weekend there for a bachelorette party. We hired two male strippers, on purpose, and had them give us a show." She went on to tell all in graphic detail.
I got a tap on my shoulder. It was the younger fellow sitting next to us. He whispered in my ear, "Your stories are so hot my wife told me she was about ready to slip off her bar stool."
I almost spit out my beer again.
He explained that he had goofed up big time, forgetting that you have to make Valentine's Day reservations at least a month in advance. He said there was a three hour waiting list in the restaurant. She punched his arm for punctuation.
I gave him the usual firm handshake that men exchange with men, you know, the kind where you bury that muscle between your thumb and forefinger into his.
"Okay then, that makes four strikeouts," I said moving my stool back to let them join us. "Let's salvage this Valentine's Day. Your turn to tell a story."
The barkeep acknowledged a sign for four more.
They looked at each other, whispered something, then sat back and said, "Okay."
They took turns embellishing a tale of a trip they took to one of those Caribbean resorts where anything goes.
I smiled when I felt my partners hand on my upper thigh.
"Hey, it feels like everyone is trying to listen in on our conversation," the husband whispered. "Why don't we take this back to our place where we can talk more freely."
I looked at my partner, she gave a tentative nod 'Yes.'
"We just live around the corner," settled the issue.
I pushed some money across the counter and we turned to leave. We heard a "Darn it!" and a "Come back! We want to hear more!" from the people that had been sitting by us at the bar.
I reached down to hold her hand, she gripped it tightly.
We followed them down the street. The wife was wearing the obligatory Little Black Dress. It had hiked up a bit when she put on her jacket.
I knew I was only going to get a millisecond long glimpse of her unmentionables, I still looked.
My partner noticed me angling my head to get a better view and gave me a poke in the ribs, then stepped up to help her straighten it out.
The wife was petite, but knew exactly how to sway in high heels.
We hustled the few blocks to their apartment. The husband pulled together four Irish Coffees. It can get cold in Southern California in February.
We sat at their dining table and everyone took a turn telling a story. When my partner said she didn't have any more to tell, I told her to make one up. She thought for a moment, then came up with a wild tale of a lesbian love fest that got us all squirming.
The wife leaned over to the husband and whispered something. He raised his eyebrows and nodded 'Yes.'
The wife broached the subject, "Hey, um, you know, we are not swingers but, um, I think the phrase they use is 'Would you like to party with us?'"
A round of nodding heads gave the answer.
"Wait," the husband interrupted. "So, like, are the two guys going to be on opposite corners of the bed?
I raised my hand. "Let me tell you a story," then wove a tale of another wild bisexual threesome I had recently. Eyebrows raised with my detail around 'fucklicking.' They had not heard that term before.
"Let's do this!" the husband hollered.
I light bulb went on inside my pants. I piped in, "I have this idea. Why don't we have four threesomes? That way we can all give each other the Valentine's Day present of watching, participating and being the center of attention."
"And, we will all have a fantastic story to tell," I added.
A round of vigorously nodding heads gave the answer.
The wife got serious and said, "Let's make some rules." She rummaged up some paper and pencils. She had us all write down our limits. I held mine up, it just said 'Showers First.' They all grabbed their pencils and added that to their list.
They held up their papers, all three had variations on 'Not in my butt,' and 'I don't swallow.'
Darn it! I thought to myself.
Their shower was small so we took turns, everyone finished fast.