My Diary: Entry 22 - Crawling

Hi.

It's me, Emma.

I continue to be surprised...

Remember Louisa?

Well, she's been hanging around, apparently. Seeming like she's wanting to worm her way back into my life. I caught her skulking about when I went out to the drive to get in the car to go to work, and that actually really scared me.

I asked, "How long have you been there?," when I really should've asked, "How many times do you come here?"

Her answer was, "Emma, please? I want to talk to you about us. I just didn't know whether you want to see me, or how your Mom would react to me being around, but I really just want to be heard out. Please?"

I told her, "I have to go to work, at my new place since I lost my last job because of you, and, please, don't follow me. I don't need another scene involving you."

As I got into the driver's seat, she pressed, "Please?"

I huffed, "Fine... Come back tonight; and I mean come back. Don't be hanging around for Mom to catch you. Fuck knows what she would do, but this isn't a good look."

Louisa nodded, slumping off to where she came from...

I spent my time at work with Louisa on my mind, wondering what she wants. Can I trust anything she says? She really hurt me back then. I've moved on. I thought she would. Why is she creeping around? It isn't long ago she matched with Mom ready to date her, then when they found out who each other were, Louisa was made to go. I'm getting to the bottom of this, one way or another; even if a restraining order needs to be involved.

After work, I told Mom about my little visit as I left earlier, and informed her that I invited Louisa around to chat; that she has something she wants to say. Mom understood, promising to allow us our time together, but said she'd be looking out for me instead of leaving me alone with her. With the nerves I had, I was thankful for that.

Louisa arrived with a tentative knock on the door, and she came in, taking a seat with us in the lounge. Her posture was so closed and shrivelled compared to her usual boastful confidence, and her first words shocked me, "Thank you."

I really didn't expect her to be so polite. I urged her, "Say what you have to say."

Louisa took a few breaths, looking like she would speak, but not, like she's searching for how to say whatever it is, "When I saw you, when I came to date your Mom, Emma... I found it a funny coincidence... Your Mom was right to get me to go, I have to admit... I... It all sat with me for days after, and, I feel guilty about what happened with us... I feel truly sorry, and wanted to express that... 'Sorry,' won't be enough, but, I am sorry, Emma, for everything that happened between us."

I had to ask, "What is this?"

Louisa looked so defeated, "Please? I know I deserve fuck all from you, but, I want to be better. Sex has been a dominating force in my life, since I barely started puberty, getting pregnant with my son, who is fuck knows where in the foster system, far away from me, living his life somewhere...

"Using sex as a kind of weapon over all this time with various partners, and even making money off it, made me feel so powerful, like I was taking power back from having my son, but, I now realise I wasn't helping him, and just helping myself. I feel lost, and don't know what to do with myself, and don't have anyone to turn to... I'm all alone..."

I expected Louisa to cry, but she didn't, but she looked genuinely upset. I asked, "You mentioned your son before. What's his name?"

Louisa convulsed like she would cry, telling me, "I don't even know... I didn't get to name him... He came out, then he was gone with social services..."

I couldn't imagine what that would do to someone.

Louisa did say, "I only knew sex as this way of manipulating people, like how I felt manipulated all the way back when. It was all I could do to use my body to my advantage, because I didn't have anything else. I already fucked over lots of guys before I even met Luke, and, my time with you was me exploring how to dominate a woman for the first time. I wanted to feel like I'm in control, and strong enough to not allow what originally happened to happen again. I'd do anything to not go through that again.

"I asked myself, 'What am I even doing this for?' I mean, I'm doing it for a boy who has no idea who I am, and I don't know where he is, or even who he is. He's a perfect stranger to me; his own mother. I've made a small fortune doing what I do, but it's all worthless. I have nothing of value I actually want, and the only thing I do is forever out of reach. I guess that's my punishment, right? My own personal Hell?"

I really felt for Louisa, but I was reluctant to forgive, "I don't know what to say."

Louisa nodded, "I expected that. It's not like it's your problem; it's mine." She stood up, ready to leave, "I am sorry, Emma. You're the only one I am sorry about what I did; just wanted you to know."

I couldn't not ask, "What did happen to get you pregnant?"

Louisa stopped as she walked around the couch towards to the, turning back slightly as she said, "Two dumb young fucks who watched too many teen comedies and thought it was funny. Joke's on me, huh?"

I whispered, "I forgive you."

I'm not sure if Louisa heard me, but she left.

I chased after her, out onto the road where she was walking along the path, and I hugged her from behind. She instinctually tried to fight me off, but I told her, "It's me, Louisa. You don't have to be alone."

Louisa was so close to crying that she was choking as she said, reaching out in front of her as I continued to hug her back, "Emma, please? I don't want to do this anymore. I just want it to be over."

I let go of her, and she stumbled forward. She turned around, and shook as she said, "I just wanted to say goodbye, Emma."

That scared me. I let her know, "You can stay with me. Let's give it a try, yeah?"

Louisa stepped away from me, shaking her head, as if she doesn't wanna believe.

I promised, "I'll do what I can for you. We don't have to be a thing, or anything, but I can be there for you?"

Louisa stopped, seeming to melt as she asked, "You really mean that?"

I held a hand out to her...

Louisa stared at me for a long while, seeming unsure of what to do, then her hand hesitantly took mine, and she hugged me.

I brought her back home to Mom, and she remained wary, but it has to be said, Louisa was on her best behaviour; almost like a completely different person. She was reserved, polite, respectful, and I could see real effort to be someone civil with us. Mom appreciated that from her, giving her blessing to have her stay.

Of course, there was the matter of sleeping arrangements. I offered for Louisa to sleep with me, and she accepted. As we got into bed together, we tried to settle down, but I was in need of some special attention down there. Even though we were a thing, it still felt weird to just do it.

Louisa noticed, "Let me get that for you." She got between my legs, gorging herself on my sweaty, greasy crotch. I had never seen her so eager to please me; only to be pleased herself. She said, "I want to do my best for you."

I laid back, letting Louisa lick and lap at my labia, losing myself to her ministrations...

She admitted, "I'm wet too, but I'm not gonna get myself off... I don't deserve to..."

I was too deep and breathless to speak against her wish. She was making me feel too good...

Louisa worked her way up to come face-to-face with me, licking all the way up my body as she peeled up my pyjamas, and she said, "It's so hard, but I want to show you gratitude. You've given me everything, so I belong to you now; even my orgasms..."

Suddenly, I felt so powerful, and felt too eager to say, "You should get off if you want to."

Louisa bit her lip, "You see, that's the thing. I don't want to... I used to be so cruel to you... Now, you get to make me suffer..."

I didn't really like the sound of it. I focussed on Louisa's undulations and her moans, and how her hand would dive down, but she would swing it away as if fighting a puppeteer's control.

Louisa expressed, "It's not been long already, but I'm finding it so difficult, but I want to be good for you, Emma... How did you do this?"

Looking into Louisa's eyes, I saw them lost in longing, and I told her, "You get used to it. I used to deny myself waiting for Luke to do something with me, just so I could feel it more when we did do it. It feels so satisfying when you do..."

Louisa hugged me, begging, "Hold me tight so I can't get my hands down there... I want to do this with you... Please, help me?"

Her submission was cute, and was the strangest feeling for me. Watching her eyes closed, I could see she wasn't getting any sleep, or anything deep at least, and I watched until I slipped into sleep myself.

I was woken from a deep doze by Louisa riding on my legs in the light of morning. I peeled my eyes open to the bright light, and asked, "What's this?"

Louisa moaned, "I'm on fire... I need it... Please, Emma?"

I firmly told her, "No."

Louisa stopped grinding, looking so defeated by that single, simple word.

I flipped her onto her back, and got between her legs, and said, "I'm doing this properly."

Louisa looked so thankful and earnest beneath me, and I buried my fingers inside her cunt. She was soaked and stinking from her festering all night, but it smelt good; primal and alluring. She squirmed on the sheets like a snake sneaking along the ground, but not getting anywhere other than where I was taking her.

In a few blissful moments, cum burst from her cunt around my fingers, and let her come down from her high...

Louisa caught her breath enough to say, "Thank you, Emma," sounding truly grateful to me.

It felt wrong to me, being in control of another woman's pleasure like that, being the one who usually submits to someone else. It didn't exactly feel bad, but I don't like it. It doesn't really do anything for me.

Before I went to work, Louisa promised me, "I'll keep myself for when you get back home."

I'm really going to have to have a think about how we can both get what we need going forward.

Anyway,

Night xx