My Diary: Entry 02 - Hysteria

Hey!

It's me, Emma.

I managed to patch things with Luke, at least for the time being. He's not left yet anyway. I'm sure he's thinking about it because even though he's hardly said a word, he looks at me so strangely now. I did embarrass myself though, and backfired his affair all in one fell swoop, but, hey ho!

I feel like a new person now. I'm so dirty, I didn't realise. I've been so horny all the time, which has made things awkward at work; sort of looking at anyone and everyone, seeing if anyone gives a hint of wanting to do something to satisfy me. I even went into the manager's office and plonked myself on his lap, hoping for a reaction. The reaction I got, though, was a curt laugh, and an official warning to not repeat that behaviour. Why does he have to be decent, and committed and responsible?

Luke's friend hasn't made a return yet, though I'm sure that was probably a one-time thing. I'm kinda thankful in a way, because she was so young and hot I couldn't cope with that being around like that. I haven't been dreaming about her doing things with me... Okay, fine... I have had some rather steamy daydreams about her when I've been getting myself off.

Still, she made quite an impression on me. I want to be just as young and sexy as her, so, I've been shopping. I got myself a whole new wardrobe of sweatshirt crop-tops, sweatpants, and the same type of form-fitting underwear she sported that fateful night. I look like I frequent a gym, and get all sweaty for my gains, but, I'm just getting sweaty for different reasons as we know.

I've been hoping Luke has noticed my new look, but he's got such a poker-face, I don't know what's in that head of his. I made myself pretty obvious tonight, and he didn't seem interested. I got the hint at that point that what I was wearing wasn't the problem, but me. I just want him to notice me again. I'm so desperate for attention. I'm so hungry to have a cock in me, even for a second. It's been so long, and my fingers just aren't touching me good enough anymore. I'm never fully satisfied. Sometimes, I even go three or four times before I collapse from exhaustion, and still wake with a craving.

With that said, I was all over him like a rash: hugging him, grinding him, riding him through our clothes, hoping for something primal to emerge from him that he just uses me to get himself off with no consideration about me; anything to have even a little time with him again, but he stubbornly resisted.

I can't remember the last time we fucked...

I'm turning every which way, not knowing where to go, or who to turn to, and I'm getting nowhere. I've come so close to getting myself fired at work, or imposing myself on some unsuspecting member of the public, because of this urge I have. It's literally eating away at my sanity all the time. I would do anything.

To that end, I exhausted one possibility just now: I called for an escort.

How low I have gotten to spend money I shouldn't afford to a strange couple to come to our apartment, just so I can get off. I'm swimming with shame, embarrassment, anxiety, but drunk or hypnotised by everything, so I don't even really feel it, but I know it's there.

For one hour, I had a male and female couple come, and paid good money to them to have sex on our bed; for them to have sex, I should say. They were surprised enough that a woman emailed them, and more surprised when they asked if I was going to join in, but, I just wanted to watch. I felt far to shy to actually join in, but just wanted to feel what Luke made me feel with that young girl again. I just wanted to feel that heat swell, and all those emotions to flood back.

The woman was hot, in her mid-twenties, with long dark hair, and a toned body. She wore such gorgeous lace lingerie, and was so athletic. She took a keen interest in me, saying, "We don't get to entertain girls often, and you're so hot. I love this whole thing you've got going on, like, a sexy mom. I would love to do so many things with you."

The man was seemingly pushing thirty, and was very slim, and lanky, with some sheer, see-through briefs I've never seen before, and didn't leave much to the imagination. He seemed very mature, and was very professional and considered with how he held himself. He wasn't pushy with his partner, allowing her to do her thing, and asked about my preferences, quietly eager to have me. I would've let him, but, I didn't know what I was thinking.

The couple were so gentle with each other. It was all very sensual. He was caring. She was receptive. It was so romantic, and passionate, and, it made me realise that I've never been that close with Luke. We've been close, but it's never felt as deep and intense as I was seeing.

After repeated offers to join them, I sat to the side and just watched them, sitting on my hands until they numbed, and I wriggled with my urges, wrestling with myself to do something about it, but, I intended to make myself suffer. 'I'm not doing this for me,' I thought, 'I'm doing this for Luke.' Whatever I told myself didn't make it easy, and it didn't help, but I watched.

He slid on top of his partner's body until he was hard, and sensuously slid into her waiting hole, and his hands slithered all over her, and I could see how she strained from the rushes of excitement; I almost felt them myself. He applied his vigour with such measure, not content to slam inside as fast and hard as he can, but really feeling how she receives him.

She took control, turning over to straddle him, leaning back to hold his legs as she impaled herself on his perfect penis. It was like a porno, and, I think it was a performance for my benefit, so I could see their genitals clearer. She turned the other way, and waited for her man to mount her from behind, and they tilted their heads to see my reaction.

My face must have been blank, devoid of any emotion, with my head empty of thought. Statuesque, and wet from drooling, I soaked the sensual scene into my head, and my panties were too soaked from my long anticipation, not helped by my abstinence. Wafts of hormones drenched my nostrils, but I denied myself any reprieve, even though I just needed to reach out.

He was coming to his end, and she suggested, "Cum on her. Go on."

I felt to compelled to say, "No, please, you continue as you were."

Still confused, she said, "Okay... It's what you're paying for, I suppose."

I was paying for it, and I got what I wanted.

After they were done, they left, and, later, Luke came home, and I don't know what I expected, but he was oblivious, and I didn't have the courage to tell him about what I did. I wanted to confess, or seduce him, or force myself on him, or something, but, I just couldn't bring myself to do anything at all.

Now, I'm left with this dissatisfaction, and it's so much worse after recent events. I feel like I'm filling up, and filling up, and I'm too full, and it's all going to come out. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but something has to give, right?

What do I do?

Night xx