Miss Manners Guide to Oral Sex

WARNING! CONTAINS SCENES OF A SEXUAL NATURE

AGONY AUNT ENQUIRIES

Dear Miss Manners,

is it considered etiquette for a lady to suck a gentleman's cock on a first date?

-Virgin Mouth-

Dear Virgin Mouth,

in polite circles it is considered a very basic courtesy for the lady to suck the gentleman's cock on a first date. But it is advisable to leave the deep-throat face-fucking for the second date, because a lady must always retain her air of mystery.

A GAME FOR THREE TO PLAY

Dear Miss Manners,

we recently introduced a male friend into our married sex-play, and at first I loved the feeling of being the centre of their attentions, being serviced by two hungry and demanding cocks, in double-penetration or alternating spit-roast games. However, the two guys subsequently discovered the joys of mutual sixty-nine. Now I find myself excluded as they delight in pleasuring each other, as though suddenly, I'm no longer required. What would you advise?

-Sulky Sue-

Dear Sulky Sue,

The obvious solution would be a three-sides daisy-chain triangle, in which everyone gets an equal chance to suck and be sucked.

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

Dear Miss Manners,

I recently attended a job interview for a new career-opening I very much wanted. The receptionist showed me through into the interview room where two gentlemen were seated behind a table. As I passed my CV across to them I couldn't help but notice that, crouched between their splayed legs, were two female employees obviously involved in giving them lusty fellatio. I refrain from comment, and deliberately ignore what's happening as they proceed to conduct the interview in a professional and thorough manner, disturbed at just one point when one of the interviewers uttered a single word - 'switch', and the two crouching cock-suckers shuffle across from one man to the other. One of the girls glanced up at me with a shy fleeting smile, and I caught a glimpse of two very large penises glistening with saliva before the two female employees resume sucking their new partners.

Then the interview simply resumed. Once the interview was complete the two gentlemen thank me for attending, we shake hands, and I leave the room, without them once standing. Finding myself outside, and more than a little flustered, I ask the receptionist about what I'd witnessed. She just laughed and told me not to worry. It was simply an aspect of a departmental bonding initiative from Head Office designed to more closely integrate staff to ensure improved interactive productivity rates, and that there was a gender-equal rota in which all male and female employees cock-suck or pussy-lick all other employees, without exception, during the course of the working week. I'm still not sure whether this constitutes an incentive or a disincentive to accept the career opening that I have now been offered as a successful result of the interview. What would you advise?

-Career Girl-

Dear Career Girl,

the wisdom of modern business practice can sometimes be difficult to comprehend, some companies introduce group-bonding disciplines such as Paint-Balling, Lazer-Quest Gaming or Go-Kart Racing, others prefer cock-sucking and pussy-licking. It's best policy for the ambitious career-minded employee simply to accept and participate with every pretence of enthusiasm. May I take this opportunity of wishing you every success with your new career promotion.

MYSTERY OF THE ANONYMOUS PENIS

Dear Miss Manners,

after a strenuous Gym work-out session I returned to the unisex changing area and entered the cubicle where I'd left my bag, and began stripping off my leotard. It was then I noticed what I've since learned is called a 'glory hole' bored in the partition wall, and - inquisitively, as I watched, an erect penis slipped through the hole into clear sight. Initially startled I could not help but gaze at it in fascination, conceding that it was quite attractive. Overcome by furtive curiosity I reached up and ran my finger along its full warm length, feeling it quiver and tremble endearingly in response to my touch. I've never done anything like that before in my life - honest!, but the temptation was too strong to resist. Feeling naughty, no-one would know if I was to give the stranger's cock one kiss on it's enticing head, would they? So I lean forward, but - almost without realising it, even as my lips touch that aching smoothness, they seem to part of their own accord, and close in around the bulbous glans, and before I know it, the cock is in my mouth and I'm sucking it contentedly. The sensation of anonymous indiscretion is so very exciting. I lose track of time, until suddenly it swells up against the roof of my mouth, kicks, and floods my tongue with pulsing spurts of clean rich semen. I continue sucking until it begins to lose rigidity, at which point he pulls away, withdraws, and - after a moment, I hear the door of the adjoining cubicle hastily slam, and I'm left alone feeling woozily intoxicated by the bizarre incident.

I confess that my pussy was moist All the way home I can't help but turn the memory over in my head, reliving each stolen moment. Later, in bed that night, I finger myself to climax as I recall what had happened. The following day I attend another vigorous Gym-session, but ensure that at exactly the same time I'm there in the same cubicle, almost breathless with expectation. And yes, I'm relieved when the same delicious penis slips invitingly through the orifice in the partition wall. This time, without a moment's hesitation, I suck him off, emerging some time later savouring the taste of his spunk in my mouth. I look around the changing room area, wondering who my mystery encounter could have been with. At the café overlooking the pool I glance from one man to the other, a couple of them smile back... maybe with an expression of knowing intimacy? I can't be sure. On the third day, I suck him off again, and by now my appetite is overwhelming. How do I take this anonymous relationship a step further? What, exactly, is the correct procedure for glory-hole sex? Is he married, or in a committed relationship, in which case the secrecy is all he requires, and he wants no more? How can I tell?

-Cock Hungry-

Dear Cock-Hungry,

the next time you fellate this very desirable but anonymous gentleman, use a post-it note with your cellphone number on it, and stick it to the end of his penis before he withdraws. If he then responds, you will have your answer. Happy sucking...

A QUESTION OF TACT

Dear Miss Manners,

please can you advise me, is it considered etiquette to lick my new girlfriend's pussy on a first date... or should I hold my impatience and wait?

-Oral Lady-

Dear Oral Lady,

a friendly tongue in a moist pussy is always a pleasure and should never be denied

WHEN SIZE REALLY MATTERS

Dear Miss Manners,

my problem is of a very delicate nature. I've met a new gentleman friend and he's perfect in so many ways, considerate, witty, erudite, articulate, generous, cultured, pretty much everything I ever wanted in a man. Except for that one vital detail - he has a small cock! When I suck his cock I don't get that exciting choke-gag in the back of my throat sensation that I love. And when he fucks me it's like being penetrated by a stubby pencil. It even slipped out on the most recent occasion, he apologised and slid it back into me, and it felt like he was inserting his finger! I need to be dominated and fucked by a stallion, not a fieldmouse. I can't endure the thought of being regularly fucked by such a man. But can I bear to give him up over this purely physical aspect of our relationship? Does this make me shallow and superficial? I don't want to hurt or humiliate him, but at the same time, I have natural needs that crave to be satisfied. Can I ever be happy with this man...? Dear Miss Manners, I'm asking you... what can a girl with a healthy sexual appetite do...?

-Perky Nipples-

Dear Perky Nipples,

this does not have to be an either-or situation. Enjoy the company of your new gentleman friend for social occasions. And have a well-hung toy-boy on call for when your vagina requires a good hard shagging

THE NEW STEPFORD WIVES

Dear Miss Manners,

the four of us were enjoying one of the county's sophisticated monthly sex soirees, it's a must for anyone who is anyone to be seen there, with our most influential citizens and decision-makers. Simply to receive the gilt-laminated invitation card invests much sought-after prestige. My husband Terry and I, with our friends and neighbors Jill and Richard, were lounging nude in an arbor by the millionaire outdoor pool where other naked couples of a more exhibitionist tendency were frolicking, hoping to attract the attention of our Host and Rich-Bitch Hostess. Terry and Richard began to make it apparent that they were in the mood for oral sex. Not that I was necessarily averse to the idea, but in a teasing way I said 'if fellatio is so wonderful, why don't you do it to each other?' It was intended more as a provocative jest than an actual suggestion. But Terry looked down at Richard's groin... which was already showing evidence of arousal, then looked up at me with a questioning expression on his face. I nod, amused to see just how far he would take it. He looks back at Terry's erect penis, up to where Terry was smiling. Then reached out in a wary experimental way, and slips the head of Terry's cock between his lips. He paused, undecided, as though testing out the strange new experience, then I could tell by the way his cheeks were flexing, that he was sucking. His head began to bob up and down the shaft, each downward thrust taking a little more cock into his mouth. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and must admit it was very erotic to watch my husband sucking my neighbor's cock. I know just how big Richard is, because I've had the pleasure of him filling my pussy to capacity on a couple of occasions! Richard was obviously enjoying his attentions too, because he began grunting low in his throat, his hips making little instinctive fucking motions into the mouth that was pleasuring him. Jill clapped her hands in glee in a way that makes her generously large breasts jiggle attractively. Terry closed his eyes in concentration, I could see the inch of cock his mouth could not take pulsing and swelling rhythmically, and with a thrill I realized that my husband was swallowing cum!

However, I considered this to be a one-off incident, amusing and provocative. Until next month's party. The soirees are exclusive events for the cream of local dignitaries, it is important for your social standing in the community to be seen there, yet Richard not only sucked Terry off again, but two other men who just happen to notice and came across to join us. I was getting a little concerned by now. We visited the Supermarket in the Mall at the weekend and I'm sure the cashiers were giggling to each other and pointing us out. I'm afraid that Terry is getting a reputation as the local cum-dump. Yet he gives no indication that anything is wrong. I'm sure he's been seeing Richard more frequently recently. And he's said that for next month's soiree he may wear lingerie... and take it up the bum-hole! Please Miss Manners, I'm getting worried.

-Worried Suburban Social Climber-

Dear Worried Suburban,

allow Terry to enjoy his newfound pleasures and to experience all the sensual delights they have to offer. His new openness may even lead to unexpected opportunities for further social advancement, if he sucks the right cocks!

FOR LADIES WHO LUNCH: ON PUSSY

Dear Miss Manners,

we were enjoying a Prosecco girl's-night, me and my friends Meera and Judith, when I blurted out that I'd discovered my first white pubic hair. Lights were low, the drink was having its softening effect, we were giggling out secret confidences, and I said it almost without thinking. When we'd finished laughing Meera said that, for her, that would not happen, because she was shaved 'down there'. Judith agreed, she also had a 'bald pussy'. I was a little embarrassed, but intrigued. I would not even know how to begin shaving. 'No problem,' said Meera, offering to help me. Men like a bald pussy, said Judith with shocking candour, 'so pubic hairs don't stick in their teeth when they kiss you there.' Again there were gales of scandalised laughter. My husband would never do that. Never. Judith had her nail-clippers out. Meera went into the bathroom, got a bowl of warm soapy water and a lady-shave razor. I was nervous, but it seemed I had no choice. Halfway between a risqué party game and beauty therapy. Embarrassed I slip my panties down and off. Meera said my pussy was like a badger, dark and bushy, with traces of white. Judith reached in and began snipping it away with the nail-scissors. We were giggling infectiously. Meera washed the stubble with soapy water, then began with the razor, moving in neat strokes down my pubis, nudging my legs apart to tease out stray wispy hairs around my vulva lips. Once done Judith toweled me dry and said 'there, you're kissably clean now' and - before I realize it, dips her head down and kisses me at the upper point of my pussy opening. As if to demonstrate. I gasp with shock, and without thinking I say 'oh! that felt so nice.' I looked bizarre down there. I wasn't sure I even recognized myself.

The intimate Prosecco haze was having its effect. 'David doesn't do that?' Judith persisted. I was forced to admit 'no', he's never shown much interest in the sexual side of our life. I'd grown used to it, I suppose. So when Judith dips her head in, and kisses my pussy again, this time I could feel her tongue on me, wriggling and probing, I react almost despite myself, gasping and raising my hips to meet her face. I never knew that sex could feel so good, and when her tongue teased me to climax it was the most fulfilling orgasm I'd ever felt. I was lost in a dizzy emotional confusion. I was nervous about David's response to my newly-shaved condition. Would he like it? Would he be shocked? That night at bedtime I make a point of getting undressed, coy with expectation, and stand there so that he couldn't help but notice. He simply ignored me, turned over, went to sleep and began snoring. I lay awake, restless, thinking over and over again of how Judith's tongue had felt. I've never been sexually attracted to women. But I long to feel that way again. I wonder what it would be like to kiss and lick her pussy too? Is that perverse? I know with absolute certainty that I cannot live without doing it again. Oral sex, with another woman! What does that mean? Please help me.

-Confused-

Dear Confused,

Sapphic love is a special and precious thing. Never be afraid to enjoy your friends to the full. You deserve it.

A MESSAGE FOR ALL MY READERS

What a wonderful world it would be if we could begin every morning with oral sex.

Gentlemen lick those delicious pussies that are dark and fragrant with the night.

Ladies, suck those cocks that still retain the delightful pussy-wine taste from last night's fucking.

People, it could be the dawn of a blissful new era of love, peace and satisfaction.