Unpersoned

"I guess you could say...'bone down?' Eh? Because I am down one functional bone?"

Scott was trying to make me feel better. Trying to make it so this entire night didn't feel like a complete disaster. Some days just feel cursed, though, and this was one of them. To the best of my knowledge, we hadn't stepped on any ancient artifacts or dinged a witch's Prius with our car door or anything. And yet.

"Look," I told him, as I returned with a plastic bag full of ice. "I appreciate the pun. You know I do. But that doesn't mean that twisting your ankle while dancing at a sex club is funny."

"It can be," Scott said, wincing as he placed the cold bag against his foot. "You just have to decide to let it be." He shot me a big, if somewhat forced, smile.

The attempted optimism was...sweet. Usually, I appreciated it, but, at the moment, I just needed to wear my Despair Hat. Because of course, we would blow what little fun money we had on a night that would get completely derailed. All because I thought we should step out onto the dance floor and bust some form of groove.

"This is my fault. I might as well have gone all Misery on you," I said, rubbing Scott's shoulder.

"That's...probably exaggerating a bit," he chuckled. "I think my mistake was attempting to move my physical human body even though I'm in my thirties now. I tempted fate!"

I gave him a little kiss on the neck. "You are very tempting," I said, trying to push through my funk to get back to why we were here.

Scott turned, kissing me on the lips. "I appreciate the offer, but I don't even know what I'm capable of after this. Even sitting down, it still hurts quite a bit."

"That's totally fine," I said. "Tonight doesn't have to be...anything."

I'd meant it reassuringly, but it came out a little sadder than intended. I glanced around the room at the other couples and throuples and other multiples of bodies, dancing and enjoying themselves. A sigh escaped me. At least we weren't allowed to have our phones on in here. I had no desire to get back to my phone.

That was the point of this particular trip to the swingers club. Our fellow couple-in-crime, Jack and Allisen, weren't able to come along. Something about how Allisen was "a week out from her due date" and "the baby could come at any minute" and other flimsy excuses. It felt weird to be here on our own again, but I just needed something to get me out of my head. My phone hadn't stopped buzzing ever since last night. Because even though I didn't even have a job in the gaming press anymore, because there were only, like, three jobs to be had, I'd still managed to get some negative attention from the worst parts of the fandom.

I'd gotten plenty of negative feedback on my work in the past. Being a queer woman on the internet, having random people decide you were the source of all evils was a part of the job. This time, though, I'd made fun of what turned out to be a sacred cow of anime titty games. What I thought was a harmless post on Tumblr had ballooned into harassment on every social media site I was a member of, including my personal Facebook page. I'd gotten threats, implicitly anti-semetic Photoshop edits of my picture, had former employers contacted, and even Scott had some negative attention thrown his way. I'd admire the mob for its efficiency if they didn't make me lose all hope in humanity.

That's why we were here. Because I wanted to be somewhere unreachable. Wanted to be away from the worst part of a job that paid peanuts and was making me hate everything I used to love. Wanted to not be...me, anymore.

And now, we were probably going to have to go home. Which was...fine. Things had been fun at the club so far. The potluck was, as always, divine. Scott and I had been planning to try out some of the fun toys in the BDSM room. We'd taken a little look around post-dinner, and, honestly, I was feeling like getting strapped into something. And then I had been like "Yeah, but let's just dance for a little while while we wait for our food to settle.

Oy.

My head drooped onto Scott's shoulder. Purple and blue lights flashed in our eyes as "Uptown Funk" coaxed more people onto the dance floor. His fingers, cold from the ice, gently ran through my hair.

"At least we're out of the house," he said. "That's not nothing."

"Yeah..." I sighed.

"I am sorry, though. I was looking forward to making you cum so hard you forgot your name," he shrugged, making my head bounce slightly.

"Right?!" I said, hands out and pleading. "I don't want to have a name, tonight! I don't want to...be a person tonight."

"I know, Marie. I know," he reassured me, kissing me on the forehead.

A grumpy look came across my face. "I miss our buds."

"Me too."

"Like...I know it sounds...I don't know how it sounds. But, like, I really enjoy having all of you fuck me. It feels good or whatever, but...it's more than that."

"I think that makes sense," Scott replied.

"It does?"

"Yeah. I mean, I say this with love, Marie, but...you're a people pleaser. In all ways. Maybe more than you should be. You...like being helpful. Being useful. It gets you in trouble sometimes, but it makes sense."

His eyes met mine and I smiled. It was unbelievably good to be so known. Scary, but good.

"You get me," I smiled.

"I like to do that, yeah."

Looking around the club once more, I couldn't help but think on what lay just beyond the almost-chaste dance floor area. To the play rooms and all the fun toys and tools available. My memory flashed back to our little tryst in the glory hole room. Getting to use that opportunity to get to know Allisen and Jack better had been great, and I wouldn't trade that night for anything. But there was also a part of me that had been excited for the anonymity. Being able to just be used for someone else's pleasure, nothing more. My brain was unhelpful. A lot of the time, even with people I loved, it always felt like I was trying to make them like me in spite of...something. Some intangible negative quality that I always felt like I was having to paddle upstream against.

A need slammed itself against the wall of my brain, trying to get through. A want that was definitely more than what we had done before. Scott would probably like it. I think he'd like it. Maybe. But maybe not. And that "maybe not" was trying its damndest to push back against any courage I might have had tonight.

"Scott?" my voice quivered.

"Yeah, love?"

"You...liked watching me go down on Jack, right?" Each word felt like it was being wrenched up from deep within me, and I wasn't even at the main question yet.

"I liked it a lot, Marie," Scott said, reflexively biting his lip at the memory. "It...really gets me going to watch you have fun? Like, sex fun?"

An involuntary giggle bust out of me, courtesy of my heightened nerves. "Heh, yeah, I figured that was the fun you meant."

"I dunno. I'd probably enjoy watching you play racquetball or something, too."

"Freak," I gave him a tiny, playful punch. Then, the words got heavy again. "What if...I wanted to do something like that. Like, I wanted to do stuff with people. But, like, not trying to collect any new girlfriends or boyfriends or whatever. Just...activities...and stuff. Yeah..."

Scott stroked my face with his hand. "I think that would not surprise me in the slightest."

"Yeah?"

"It's not like you've been subtle about liking the idea of anonymity. You wanted to go in the glory hole room. You like being blindfolded. Plus there's...all of the stuff you say during sex. Your dirty talk is what I would call 'service-focused.'"

I gave a mock scoff. "I'll have you know that I'm very mysterious, thank you."

"Uh-huh," my husband laughed.

"An enigma." I wiggled my fingers to emphasize the mystery.

"Definitely," he lied. Pausing, he got a slightly more serious face on. "But as for what I think you're asking about...if you wanted to have sex tonight, I'd think that was really fucking hot."

"Even if you were," I gestured at his ankle. "I mean...'laid up' seems like the wrong term, but..."

"Yeah, I'd like that," he replied. "I'm not like...I dunno. There's that 'cuck' thing, and that's never really interested me because I'm not into, like, being insulted during, or whatever."

"I'm very polite!" I chimed in.

"Right? You would never. But, yeah, watching you...is really good. I mean, I've definitely watched that video of you blowing Jack more than once."

"Yeah?"

"Absolutely."

I felt myself getting flushed, picturing my darling, sitting with his phone in one hand, stroking his cock with the other. Knowing that it was my skills that were making him cum, even indirectly, sent a shiver of pride up into my heart. My nerves gathered themselves, and I found myself just saying what I wanted to say:

"I don't want to be a person tonight," I said, looking down at the floor. "Not that I don't want to exist, but, just...I don't want to be me. 'Me' is...too much, right now."

"That makes sense," he petted my back, comfortingly.

"But I want to be...good. Be useful. I know that's not always a healthy attitude, but tonight...I just want to give in. To show people a good time, without being known." I paused, looking up at him, my open heart anticipating a disappointed or disgusted reaction.

Instead, there was Scott's familiar look of love and understanding. "Absolutely, my love." He kissed me, lightly but deliberately, and everything else melted away for a second.

"What did you have in mind?" he asked, smiling.

Okay. The hard part was out there, in the open. Relief hit, followed by a pounding in my chest as my brain caught up with the notion that my little fantasy was going to happen. "You know, in the BDSM room, that little table, with the straps on it, and the sort of waist curtain thing?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"I could be in that, open to...whoever. And you could kind of...supervise? I guess? Be my bouncer?"

"Oh, yeah, I'll mess someone up who tries anything." He punched his open hand in an adorably funny gesture of toughness. "But, for real, no funny business."

"And I could just...have people fuck me," I said, the last word escaping with all my breath. Now the entire premise of what I wanted was out there, the nerves started piling on. Surely, this would be the line. Surely, Scott would be think this was too much, and I'd wrecked everything by having this fantasy out loud and I should just return to my natural state as a tiny amorphous blob.

Instead, my husband's facial expression was remarkably chill, raising his eyebrows in a gesture of casual interest and wearing a slightly mischievous smirk. "Yeah, we can do that," Scott purred. He ran his fingers along my arm before taking my hand in his.

"And you would watch and...enjoy that?" my eyebrow raised.

"You tell me," he said, directing my hand to his crotch, where my touch met his already half-hard cock.

"Oh!" I said, marveling at the speed of things. "Yep, okay, that's pretty good proof, I'd say."

"So...let's do this," Scott stated.

My hands shivered as I jumped to my feet. "Okay! Yes, okay, let's, do the thing! The thing I said I wanted. And that you're cool with. And..."  I managed to notice Scott very gingerly getting to his feet. "...and you could use a hand?"

"I'm...mostly okay," Scott said. "I do think maybe I could use a chair, in there? Mind going and asking if we could get one while I hobble over to the BDSM area?"

"Can do, pal!" I gave him a thumbs up and headed for the lobby area, shouting "Sorry I called you 'pal!'" over my shoulder as I went.

By the time I managed to go and ask the nice people at the front desk for a chair, Scott had already made his way to the red-lit room. He was leaning on the door frame, and gave a slightly pained wave and smile as I approached.

"Oh, my poor love," I pouted. "I take it the trip over here was rough?"

"I've had more fun," he admitted. "But I'm in good spirits! My wife is hot and kind of a freak, and, well, I'm into that. So it's all good."

"Good!" I said, setting down the folding chair I was holding. I gazed around the room, my eyes adjusting to the moody red lighting. There were a few different pieces of undoubtedly sexy furniture around the place, though I wasn't exactly super well versed on my bondage gear terminology. There was some sort of X-shaped harness thing against one wall, some restraints built into some sort of ground-level platform, various whips and paddles attached to a sort of rack on the wall. Given my love of being treated a little less-than-nice during sex, we could definitely get up to some shenanigans in the future with that stuff. For now, though, I only had one of the club's facilities in mind.

In one corner of the room, there was what looked like the exam chair they had at my OB, but going through a goth phase. Black, leather padding adorned both the seat and a pair of raised footrests. Metal studs speckled the fabric, and a pair of wrist restraints hung promisingly above. Over the middle of the chair, a small curtain rod hung, with a waist-high drape on one side. My heart pounded as I stared at it.

"Okay," I said, more to myself than anyone. "We're doing this."

"You still good?" Scott asked.

"Absolutely," I nodded. With a deep inhale of breath, I pulled off my top, throwing it on the ground next to Scott's chair. My bra soon joined it, and I had just unbuttoned my pants when I heard Scott trying to get my attention.

"Hey," he said, once I had turned to face him. "Could I make a small request?"

I raised an eyebrow and smiled. "You can make as big a request as you want..." I thought for a moment, decided it was too goofy, then decided to say it anyway. "...big boy?"

"Two requests, maybe," he chuckled.

"Never call you 'big boy?'"

"Yeah, that's one of them."

We laughed together. The lightness was nice, given the circumstances.

"So my other request!" he continued. "When you go to take off the rest, can you do it...slowly? Like, make kind of a show of it?"

"Yeah?" I asked, turning around and putting my hands onto the sex chair before bending over slightly. Still bent, I hooked my fingers into the waist of my jeans and started to slowly pull them down. "Like this?"

"That's perfect," Scott said, leaning back in the folding chair. "I just kinda want to save this image in my mind."

"And...what about this image?" I lowered my pants further, fully showing off my butt for my husband.

"Very good," he replied, starting to rub his cock through his pants.

Not that I was any sort of showman, but I did my best to pull my pants down the rest of the way in what would be considered an enticing fashion. It seemed to be having the right effect on Scott. When our eyes met there was a need there. A hunger for me. The feeling of it was nearly enough to make me not feel silly doing my little striptease act.

I was fully bottomless now. I wanted to show off for him, but the pants around my ankles limited my movement. "Close your eyes for, like, one second?" I asked him.

"No problem," he smirked at me. Damn cheeky grin charming me all the dang time.

With as much speed and as little undignified grunting as I could manage, I kicked off my jeans, scooting them to the side. Fully naked now, ready as I'd ever be. "You can open them now," I said, trying to sound breathy and casual.

I watched as he slowly opened his eyes, his gaze roaming all over my body. My self consciousness fought with my arousal at the situation. If it had been anyone but Scott, maybe I'd have been too embarrassed to continue. He made me feel safe and wanted. Turning, I bent at the waist once again, exposing my cunt to my beloved.

Reaching between my legs, I began teasing myself, feeling the heat radiating from inside me, the wetness of my arousal collecting on my fingertips. "You might be able to tell, but...I am really turned on right now."

"Me too, Marie," he replied. "You're stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. And I cant wait to watch you fuck someone."

My whole being shivered. This was going to happen. My weird fantasy. Not only happening, but with love and support. My mind was flying off in a thousand different directions. The need for it pushed through all the other thoughts, and somehow managed to keep me going through the nerves.

"Then we should probably get started," I said, walking around to the seat of the chair. I gazed at it, maintaining my air of sexiness while attempting to work out a logistical puzzle. I was short. The chair, due to its functions, was not. I turned to Scott. "Um...there's not gonna be a cool way for me to do this so..." I turned around, placed my hands on the chair behind me, and did my best little hop to try and saddle up on the thing. The first hop didn't quite work, but the second was successful. And I definitely looked just so seductive doing it. Equily erotic was the subsequent butt scoot to get into proper position.

"I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure you're wearing sunglasses while skateboarding because that was the coolest thing I've ever seen," Scott smiled at me.

"Uh-huh," I replied, poking my tongue out at him. Looking around at the various attachments, I managed to get my legs up into the stirrups. The wrist bindings hovered above me. I turned toward Scott. "Help a lady out?"

"Absolutely." He got up, and, not without a little difficulty, began hobbling his way toward me.

"Aw," I said, hating to see my man in pain.

"Hey, now, none of that. That's not a sexy sound." He placed my wrist into one of the restraints, securing it.

"I mean...aww yeah, baby," I attempted to give "sexy moan" but it might have read as more "this mac and cheese is delicious." I couldn't help but want to joke around. My other wrist was bound now. I could feel his touch as he grazed my skin, now securing my legs in place. The closer he got to finishing, the closer this came to being real. And I was a churning storm of nervous energy.

"There you go," Scott said. He stepped back, taking in the sight of me. "Fuck, that's good, Marie."

I tingled at his words. Looking down, I could see myself, spread open and fully exposed. Anyone's for the taking. The chair had a space in-between the leg rests for a person to stand. My nerves started to become replaced by lust as the thought of some unknown figure standing there, taking me for their own, came to my mind. Reflexively, my limbs pulled at their restraints, testing their limits. I could barely move at all. My heart pounded in my chest as I felt myself trembling with arousal.

"Are you ready?" my beautiful husband asked me. I looked into his eyes, seeing nothing but adoration staring back at me. I nodded, and he reached up, drawing the curtain at my waist. As he made his way back to the chair, I could feel the open entrance to the room as though it were a physical weight. Knowing how exposed I was. Knowing I was there for one purpose only, was palpable.

Scott sat back down. Lucky, I could still see him, even though my view of the room was otherwise blocked. He looked at me and gave a little wink. I smiled back, returning the gesture. Okay, we were here. It was happening. Really happening.

Any minute now.

The seconds seemed to drag on forever. Not having any frame of reference or anything to look at beyond the ambient red glow of the room's lights, it was challenging to gauge how much time was passing. The muffled sound of the music from the dance floor filled my ears, though I couldn't make out any melody in particular. So all I could do was just...wait.

Just when laying there with my legs up was starting to feel more like an doctor visit than a sexy time, I was suddenly started by a strange voice.

"Hey," the person said. I jumped, as much as my body was able.

"Hey," Scott responded. Okay, it's fine. Someone's just...out there. On the other side of the curtain. Seeing...everything. That's...okay. That's what I'm here for. I took a deep breath to try to calm myself.