If I New Then...

I remember my fiftieth birthday. It was fun. A party, with my lovely and loving wife, friends and family. There was cake and music and some reminiscing. At the end of the evening I drank a last toast with my old pal Owen, who had come over from London for the party. I hadn't seen him in years, although we kept in touch by email. The toast was "Absent friends."

It rang in my ears for days. Weeks. Years. What if I could go back, what would I say to them? What would I change? What paths untrodden would I take? What would I have done if I knew then what I know now?

I thought I would run wild, seduce and abandon girls all round me, try all the drugs I was too scared to take, bet on the right horses, tell the bad guys what I thought if them.

Of course what I didn't count on was that a more knowledgeable me would still be me. Same basic values, same basic ideals and desires. Same old me. Yes, I desired many women, but I also desire stability and love and trust and self respect. I believe in promises and love, protecting others and being honest.

So now, this time around, with a chance to do it again but with that experience to draw on, I remember it all. I'm eighteen, and it is the 1980's. I know 'then' what I knew in 2020 (now? Time travel will be so confusing.) Which is why I am rich with the ill-gotten gains of gambling on certainties and the woman I didn't choose (regrets...) is now my girlfriend. The woman I did choose (I've had a few...) is also our girlfriend. And this weekend coming one of the life shaping events of my friend Mike's life will take place, at a party that we will be going to. The last time round I remember turning down the advances of a lovely girl called Liz, (but then again...)

This time I think I will try to take the opportunity. After all, even with the advantages of experience, opportunities are rare enough (too few to mention...) Although this time I will need to square it with both girlfriends...

I met the girls at the usual place and we went for coffee at our usual café. They had both been pleased to see me but both were also out of sorts. I asked what was wrong but Jill said "Coffee first."

So with two Americanos and a Latte on the table, I asked again "What's wrong?"

Jill sighed. "Nothing serious. Just bad news and bad news and bad news."

"Okay, let's start with the bad news then."

Jill looked at Penny. Then started "My Aunt is fifty on Sunday. We are going to her party on Saturday. In Preston. My parents are picking me up on Friday from school then it's off to the boat to Scotland, not back until eleven on Sunday."

"Oh. Oh bugger." I said. "That is bad news."

Penny chipped in. "It gets worse. My parents are taking me to Cork. Leaving Thursday, not back until Monday. They have got me two days off school for the trip. Granny died. Funeral is on Friday."

"Oh, Lord. Oh that is terrible. I'm so sorry," I said.

Penny shrugged "We weren't close. I mean I only saw her once or twice a year. But it means I won't see either of you for days. Which is horrible. And I feel really bad about feeling that. I mean I should be more upset about Granny, but I'm most upset about you two. And then that bitch Elaine had to butt in!"

She was almost in tears. I took her hand, and said "What's up honey?"

"More bad news." said Jill, grimly. "Penny was crying at lunch, she had just told me about her Gran, and I hugged her and I forgot myself and I kissed her. Just a peck. And Elaine saw us and blabbed."

"Oh. Ah. Awkward." I said.

Our unusual arrangement was not public knowledge. Of course we expected that one day it might be, but we knew how lesbians were treated in Northern Ireland. And we could guess that a three way partnership would more than raise eyebrows. And of course girls in a girls-school can be vicious, especially about same sex relationships.

"Oh I covered for it." said Jill, and she looked heartbroken. "I told everyone Elaine was being mean and silly, I was only hugging Penny because her Granny died and she was crying, and of course I didn't kiss her, and not to be daft. But the word is out. So we will have to be extra careful now. And I feel so bad about denying it. I feel bad about lying. I want to take Penny and snog her in front of the whole school and say I love her and tell them all to shove it."

She looked so fierce and strong that my heart leaped. I held her hand and so did Penny, and I started to say "I'm so proud of you. Both of you." as Penny said "Oh don't! You can't. I know it's hard but it's only for a few more weeks then we are out of school and we can live the way we please."

Jill shook her head. "I know. I know. But I feel sad. And ashamed for not standing up for you. For us. And I don't think that even when we leave school it is going to be easy. Easier, maybe. But not easy."

Penny nodded. "Well, yeah. But at least we will have our own place and can close the door on them all. But now we won't even see each other all weekend. And then the following week is Easter, and then two weeks after that the exams start."

"Yeah." I agreed glumly. "And there is a big party this weekend, Steve is having a house-warming."

Jill perked up. "Which Steve?"

"Year above me Steve. Sax player and all round good guy. Haven't seen him in a couple of months so I don't think you have met him."

"Blonde? Sharp nose? Wicked smile? Nice ass?" said Penny

"Well, I'll give you the first three, but I refuse to comment on the niceness or otherwise if his backside. You know him then?" I said.

"I saw him play with Owen's band. Good sax," she grinned.

Talk passed on to other things. Our house, mostly. A few weeks more and we would have the keys. But we still had to square it with the girls parents. I suggested a man-to-man chat with their fathers. Both of them weren't sure. So we left it open, but I knew we would have to resolve it soon.

The week flew in. I took Penny out on Wednesday as usual, and we spent some time semi-naked in the car parked in the driveway of the house that was soon to be ours. It was good to know the garden was so secluded. Then we picked up Jill to each share a kiss, and drop Penny home. I spent a precious few minutes with Jill before I had to deliver her to her parents' door. We arranged to meet on the the next day.

I took Jill to our (nearly) house, and we made love in the car on the same spot as I had made out with Penny the day before. Jill had no qualms about stripping off entirely, and I was again struck dumb by the beauty of her taking off her blouse and bra and jumper all in one go. She had simply the most perfect bosom I could imagine. And she kissed me so softly, so openly, so completely, that I almost wondered why I ever wanted to kiss anyone else. Which made me feel bad about Penny, for a moment. And bad about my ideas for Saturday night.

As if she had read my mind Jill said "This party on Saturday, are you going?"

"Yeah. I promised Mike a lift, so I'm duty driver. I'm taking Owen and Lenny as well."

"Hmm. Well that will make it hard for you to be discrete if you pick up a girl."

"Ooh, you think I might score if you aren't there to put them off?"

"Darling," she said, kissing me, "You are too gorgeous not to score. And you know if you wanted one, and I was there, I'd help you get her."

"Yes, I believe you would. But only if you got to play with her too?" I teased.

"Hmmn. Well, maybe. I do like playing with girls. Well, with Penny. I've not had any others. But I do like the idea. And I do like watching you with Penny, and I'm sure it would be fun to see you driving someone else crazy. You are so good at that."

"Flattery will get you everywhere. So if I pick up a foxy chick on Saturday you will want to snog her on Monday?"

"Hmmn. Maybe. But, well, not all girls do. But more importantly, I wanted to say, well," she hesitated. "Well, I don't mean to tell you what to do, or not do. We've talked about this. But I know late at night, a girl and drink and a good looking and charming Sean is a devastating combination. It's just if you do go with another girl and the word gets round at school it will make it difficult for me, perhaps. And if you invite her to play with me too, then that could backfire and that would give me a bad reputation. Which would hit Penny as well. Elaine hasn't let up. She is going round saying she'll tell you that I'm a lezzie and you will dump me."

"Well, I'd love to have that discussion with her. But I get your point. If opportunity and temptation arise I will be the soul of discretion." I promised. "Do you want me to have a discussion with Elaine?"

Jill looked surprised. "What would you say?"

"I'd tell her that I am very annoyed that she is trying to hurt you, and Penny. That I am very much in love with you, that I know you love me, that you are quite clearly not a lesbian. That it wouldn't matter to me if you kissed Penny or a thousand girls. That jealousy and small mindedness are ugly, and she is getting a reputation in my school for both those ugly attributes, as well as in hers."

"Oh. Well, that might work," she smiled. "But I'm getting goose bumps, despite your lovely warm body against mine, and it is time to go. So give me a kiss to keep me warm until Monday, and then we have to dress."

I did my best.

It was weird on Friday, not seeing the girls. I worked on the car. And all day Saturday. But at seven I picked up Owen and then Len, and then Mike and then a carry-out for the lads (a slab of Carling Black label) and I bought a nice bottle of wine for our hosts, and a couple for my own purposes. We rolled up outside Steve's place in Lisburn at about a quarter to nine.

It was still quiet. Civilised. Sober. By half ten it was in full swing, by midnight it was a night many wouldn't remember, but many would look back on fondly. But that is jumping ahead.

Stevie was a year older than me, already at University, and now living with his girlfriend, Oonagh. So the party was full of people I had never met, University students and people in the local music scene, as well as a few guys I did know from school who had been in Steve's year and above, and us four schoolboys.

And in the middle of it was Stevie's little sister, Lizzie, and her friends, one of whom was called Tara. Usually Mike and Lenny and Owen would have got drunk and talked to other guys while eyeing up girls they hadn't the courage to talk to. But Mike had changed. Virginity gone, confidence raised, Mike was able to mix and mingle, and small talk and join me in conversation with mixed groups and even, amazingly, single girls.

I was actually worried at one point that he might hit it off with a couple of them. He was tall, handsome, blonde haired and blue eyed, his voice was deep and rich, he was good humoured and affable – he was more likely to pull than anyone else in the room.

The thing was I knew that in a previous version of this life Mike and Tara had met at this party and started a ten year relationship. This night changed both of them and defined their lives (and their child's life). That time it had all started because shy Mike (virgin with no confidence around girls) got talking to Tara because met in the queue for the loo, thrown together by mutual calls of nature that ended up with them both in the bathroom semi naked and drunk. Okay, not perhaps the ideal way to meet, and yes they did have an acrimonious and dreadful separation in the end, but it was a huge part of both their lives and I felt that I shouldn't act to change that. Now, because of my actions and choices they might never get together. Because this time round the first time they talked was in the kitchen, both sober, and Mike was being far to attentive to a blonde called Mary who kept cutting Tara out.

The only hopeful sign was that Tara was obviously interested in Mike. So I had to engineer things. I chatted to Tara. Not flirting much, just enough to flatter her. But enough to establish that I thought Mike liked her, and that he was too shy to say so. I counselled her to intervene, and I would help. Which meant that I cut in on Mary, and drag Mike off to see an old school chum who had just arrived, and brief him about Tara. He was a bit annoyed.

"Look I was doing fine with that blonde girl. What did you butt in for?"

"Because Mary is a class-A bitch, Mike. She led Jim McCartney on so he took her to the School Formal last year, then dumped him after the dance. Then she led Frank Bradley on up to Christmas, got the very nice pressie she had hinted at, bought him socks or something crap and dropped him on New Years Eve at a party, going off with a guy with a sports car. Then dumped him and went out with Phil for two weeks before the Formal this year - guess what happened to him the day after the big party? Okay, she's pretty and funny, and her hair matches yours, but she doesn't put out and she is a user. And she is just chatting to you to block Tara, the pretty redhead, of whom she is jealous,who really does fancy you."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Look I'm not saying she'll shag you tonight, or next week, but Tara is a nice girl, and she has the hots for you. So, if you fancy her even a little... your in. So if you like I will distract Mary while you talk to her." I said.

"I dunno. Tara, the little red head? I mean. She's pretty enough, okay, but she is little. I mean really short."

"Okay, she isn't tall. But neither are you when you are lying down, even if you are a ridiculous waste of height standing up. Look I'm not saying you have to, but she's nice, and Mary isn't. Give it a whirl."

So I spent two hours talking to Mary, who was quite a smart girl and, it must be admitted, very pretty when she smiled, but at core an ice cold harpy. And Mike talked a bit with Tara, and a bit with Lizzie, who interrupted, and then with a girl called Diane who wanted to talk about synthesisers, and then with Stevie about music in general and getting the band a gig, and then with other guys about their bands. And all the while I sank into despair, and began to find Mary too vapid and unpleasant to tolerate. Finally I saw Tara heading for the stairs. I broke off my conversation with Mary and grabbed Mike.

"You need the loo."

"What?" he said, looking blankly at me.

"Trust me. You know how I know things sometimes? Well, this is one of those things I just know. Go to the loo. Now. Quick."

Some things are fated. Even if sometimes fate needs a hand.

My memory of this party had me leaving early, partly because I wanted to escape the attentions of Liz. So that time just after Mike had encountered Tara in the loo, I had dragged him away. This time I had hardly got a chance to speak to Lizzie, and I although I did have to run the guys home, I could wait another hour or so. It was only just past eleven. I turned back to the party, looking for Liz.

I found her. She was talking to a guy called Rain. Who was rolling a joint and telling her about his pad in London, and the band he was playing with. Tough competition. Especially since he was dressed in London fashions, and was, to be honest, quite handsome and exotic with his streak of electric blue hair and his gold rings and ear stud. But since I knew his real name was Ciaran, and his dad was an accountant, and at school he had been called 'Dozer' I reckoned I could take him.

"Hi Ciaran, how's it going?" I asked, slapping him on the shoulder. "Not seen you in ages - from the look I guess you have got out of that Punk group."

He looked at me with barely concealed dislike. "Yeah, man, I'm in London now, with a new group. We are recording a new single next week."

"Great, I'll have to get a copy, if it is on sale in Belfast. So if you've split the group is Seonaid still with you?"

He looked shifty. "She's still doing backing vocals, yeah."

"I keep saying you should put her out front - she has a great voice and, well, she's got the looks. I mean, no offence, and I know she's your girlfriend and all, but I'd pay to see her on stage before I'd go to see you. Anyway, good to see you, Dozer, but I have to steal Lizzie away here. Her friend Tara needs her help with something."

Liz looked at me with curiosity and exasperation. Ciaran's look was pure loathing. "What does she want?" asked Liz.

I smiled and held up my hands "I'm just the messenger, but if you would follow me..."

I turned and gestured toward the kitchen. She shrugged at 'Rain,' saying "Catch you later."

The kitchen was "L" shaped, and I led her round the corner through the crowds. Tara wasn't there. Liz looked daggers at me. "Where is she?"

I shrugged. "Not here. Sorry. But I'm sure she will be back in a minute. Maybe she went to the bathroom. Here, while we wait, why don't you have one of these?"

I reached deep into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of white wine. I had stashed three there at the start of the party, but only one remained. She accepted. We chatted. I gradually won her round and warmed her up. And she began to flirt. And made a derogatory comment about 'Rain'. And I flirted back, and when Tara appeared with Mike, both a little flushed looking, Liz didn't ask what Tara had wanted her for. We shared the wine, and Mike came up with an idea.

"You know how you have to run Owen and Len home? Well why don't you do that now, and then come back. You could have a drink then. After all, you did say to your folks that if you had a drink you wouldn't drive, and you might stay over at my place anyway, and my parents aren't waiting up for me, so I don't have to go home. We can party all night. It's our last chance before the exams."

"Well, I suppose I could. But am I going to get back here and find you unconscious and have no one to party with?" I asked.

On cue Liz spoke up. "If he's out of it I'll still be here. I can party all night too." The look that accompanied that statement was quite saucy.

"I'm sure you can. But you may be stolen away by Rain by the time I return." I chided.

"Well why don't I come with you? Keep you company on the run?"

"Good call." said Mike. "And I'll stay here and keep Tara company."

It took a little while to herd Len and Owen to the car, and I explained Lizzie's presence (and Mike's absence) by saying she had to get home soon, so I was dropping her off before going back for Mike. Owen insisted she sit in the back with him. Which was okay, they were old friends, since he had played in bands with her brother quite often.

She moved to the front seat when Owen got out, Lenny having been dropped off first.

On the way back to the party she put her hand on my knee. "You know we don't have to hurry back."

I was fairly sure that Liz knew I had a girlfriend, but I wanted to check. "Where would you like to go?"

"There is a car-park down by the dam. It's nice and quiet."

I knew the spot well enough. It was often not that quiet on a Saturday night. "Are you sure you want to go somewhere quiet with me? You do know I have a girlfriend, don't you? I did mention her earlier."

"Yes, but she's not here." Lizzie said in seductive tones. "And I won't tell her."

"Why do you think I'm that sort of guy?"

She laughed and ran a finger down the inside of my thigh toward my crotch.

"Because I'm that sort of girl. Because I think all guys are that sort. And anyway, I asked Mike."

"What did you ask him and what did he say?" I asked with a slight chill of fear. How indiscreet had he been?

"I asked if you had a girlfriend, and he said 'Yes, at least one.' Which I took to mean you may be two timing her. So three timing, just this once, shouldn't be a problem."

"Did he say anything else about these multiple girlfriends he thinks I have?" I asked as casually as I could.

"No. In fact he was quite embarrassed at what he had said. He covered up for you as well as he could. He said something about your girlfriend having a clingy friend who was always hanging about, so you ended up going everywhere with the two of them. But I didn't believe him. Should I? Are you really such a paragon of virtue?"