Author's note: this story contains an element of gay sex. I categorized it as group sex but wanted to provide a warning nonetheless.
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"Hey guys! Why is wearing Crocs like getting a blowjob from a guy?" Darin announced.
Pause.
"Because it feels great until you look down and realize you're gay!"
Truth be told, Darin was always a bit of a dope. We'd all known him since high school, stayed in touch when we all went away to different colleges, and resumed fairly regularly socializing when we all moved back and began our careers. Darin was in sales, putting his outgoing - and often over-bearing - personality to good use and making a pretty comfortable living along the way. His clients found his sense of humor charming, usually, but he could be tone deaf at times around his friends. We knew it wasn't malicious - Darin was clueless sometimes. Mix that cluelessness with some deep-seated hang-ups, which he'd aggressively deny having, and you occasionally ended up with some awkward moments.
Like the day we invited Bill's colleague Adam to a barbecue at my house. Bill was the most kind-hearted of the group. It pained him to see anyone feel left out or shunned, probably because he was picked on for most of his childhood, that is until he grew seven inches in three years and fell in love with Tae Kwon Do. At 6'3", 195 pounds of taut muscle, getting constantly picked on was quickly replaced with getting constantly hit on by the girls in high school, and by both girls and guys in college. Unlike Darin, Bill was clueless in a different way: he constantly heard how gorgeous he was, but it never really sank in, and he passed it off as polite exaggeration. Which means he was sweet and approachable.
And approach I did.
I was a mousy freshman, with no breasts and a wise mouth. I was a transfer student, which unless you are a "total babe" makes you an instant target for harassment. Things happened quickly. Within two minutes of appearing in the halls of Patrick Henry High School, a group of jocks started hassling me, and thirty seconds after that an Adonis-like sophomore had shooed them away and I had my first friend: Bill. For the rest of freshmen year, I watched fascinated as Bill was courted by cheerleaders, girl jocks, drama club starlets, and even a couple of moms. He politely deflected most of the attention, dated occasionally, and his relationships always ended in a civil and gentlemanly way.
I took my shot at the end of freshman year. I started ribbing him about his adoring army of beauties, which escalated into increasingly suggestive banter, and then without warning, kissing. The next two days were very awkward - we liked each other, a lot, but were afraid to screw up the friendship. So, we made a pact: we would date but not get hung up on exclusivity. We made it work, mostly, during high school, and then when we went to different colleges, we hooked up discreetly during breaks or visits.
Fortunately, for both Bill and me, I had also slowly transformed from mousy and flat-chested to curvy and confident. I traded dull brown hair for auburn, which I grew past my shoulders and accepted that a little makeup could augment my "natural beauty." After a particularly long stretch of not seeing each other, I appeared at Bill's door and his reaction was, "Gina. Uh. Wow." Since I was shooting for "wow" I was pretty pleased with myself. We stayed in that night, and most of the next day.
And so, life went on. The high school gang - me, Bill, Darin, Amanda, Martin - were back in one place and spending time with them was like slipping on a comfortable pair of jeans. Everyone was amazed that Bill and I were still maintaining our friends-with-benefits arrangement, which was placed on-hold from time-to-time when either of us started dating someone seriously. We had grown and matured. Well mostly. Which brings me back to the barbecue, Bill's colleague Adam, and good 'ol Darin.
Adam was gay. He didn't advertise that on a t-shirt or anything, but over the course of the day as we talked about life, dating, etc., Adam grew more comfortable with us and joined in the conversation, talking about some of the men he'd dated before moving here for work. Adam didn't really know anyone in town yet and Bill's instincts for adopting social orphans kicked in, and so he asked if he could bring Adam to my cookout.
Adam was a delightful guy. Smart, soft-spoken but with a quick wry wit. He was average height and a bit thin, with boyish features and delicate hands. He wasn't effeminate, but neither was he overtly masculine. We all took to him very quickly, and as the beer continued to flow and we reverted to some of our high school immaturity, Adam kept pace and laughed along with all of us.
It was probably one beer too many that lowered Darin's social filter enough for him to share the joke he'd heard at work. It wasn't offensive per se; we'd all heard much worse. But making a gay joke in front of a gay man you'd met only a couple of hours ago showed questionable judgment. But, as I said before, Darin's a bit of a dope. But none of us knew at the time what the joke would set in motion.
Darin got up to leave - his cab had arrived and he had been smart enough to know not to drive - and he turned around to the group and said, "Hey. Why is wearing Crocs like getting a blowjob from a guy?" You could almost hear all of us wince. "Because it feels great, until you look down and realize you're gay!" Darin was expecting guffaws. There was a moment of silence, which was broken by Adam laughing.
"True," said Adam. We were all relieved that no offense was taken, and the tension dissipated quickly.
Darin said over his shoulder, "You guys have no sense of humor," as Bill walked him to the cab.
"Sorry, Adam," I said when they were out of earshot.
"For what?" Adam replied
"Darin can be a bit of a doofus. He's not a bad guy, but he doesn't always think."
Adam chuckled. "It's OK. I know there was no harm intended. Besides, I'd heard that one before. It's kind of funny."
"What is?" asked Bill as he walked back over to the group.
"Darin's stupid joke," I replied.
"Darin." Bill just shook his head.
"Like I told Gina, it's not a big deal." A sly smile spread across Adam's face. "I wonder if he believes that, though."
"What?"
"That getting a blowjob from a man makes you gay."
"Who knows what goes on in that lizard brain of his," Bill quipped, which got a laugh from Adam.
I'm a bit of an instigator. I know this about myself. It's usually all in fun, but sometimes I can't resist saying something just to be provocative, to see where it leads. "I wonder if he'd also believe that a gay man getting a blowjob from a woman would make him straight." I turned to Adam. "What do you think? If I go down on you, will you become a card-carrying heterosexual?"
"Careful, man," Bill joked, "she's really good. If anyone could suck you straight, it's Gina." That earned Bill a chuckle from Adam, and a swift kick in the shins from me. Although he was right; my oral skills are somewhat legendary, if I do say so myself.
