LET'S PLAY A LITTLE GAME
"Selective Treasures," I read out-loud as I looked at the sign. "What an unusual name for a thrift store."
"It might be worth looking in," my wife Amy helpfully suggested as we hovered undecided outside. The two of us had decided to venture out for the day and had happened across a very small village of twenty, maybe thirty cottages in pretty much the middle of nowhere called Lakeview Solace. It had a post-office, a cute little pub, a very old-looking bank, a school, a corner shop and this unusual oddity.
We wandered over to the window and stared inside and our curiosity grew even further due to the oddities on display. There was an ancient globe but all the place names were from colonisation times, a golly was looking out on another shelf, a video box-set of the seventies comedy "Mind your Language" and a three foot, slender, wooden carving of a tribal warrior all increased the sense of otherworldliness.
"Weird display to entice people," I observed as both of us gazed at the display, but, I had to admit I found the African tribal figure intriguing, and I could see Amy was drawn to the golly.
"There might be something fun inside. Besides we could do to find something for the dinner party," Amy replied, and she was right. We were hosting two other married couples in a week's time at our house and it had become tradition for the host to bring something unusual each time to make things more interesting, due to Elias' habit (much to his wife's disdain) of purchasing items that soured the mood. One time he'd brought a spicy chilli chocolate that no-one could eat and another time a sauce that ruined the meal and left everyone hungry. From this the tradition was born for hosts to provide the interesting tidbit, prop or souvenir and now it was our responsibility.
In the store were stuffed birds, old mirrors, darkly varnished furniture that seemed weirdly foreboding, a monkey's paw, cutlery sets that appeared to be wedding gifts (unwanted), actual Humpty from the TV show Play School and a selection of very old Games, including earlier versions of Ker-Plunk, Crossfire, Tank Battle, Tin Can Alley and a wooden box on top of all of them that was covered in dust, even though everything else around it seemed relatively tidy and clean. I picked up the box and brushed away the dust so I could see what the cover looked like.
"HORNMANJI: A game for adventurous couples. 2-6 couples," my wife read the cover over my shoulder. "What do you think it means?"
"I don't know. Do you think we're adventurous?" I asked her, just about to pop it back on top of the other games.
"Very much so," Amy replied with a serious expression. "Do you not remember last month when we went to BINGO on a whim?"
I thought back to that night. Boy, were we such wild and crazy kids back then in the yesteryear that was last month?
"Yeah, I guess you're right," I replied as I remember how fun and daring we were. "I won FIVE pounds that night as well".
"Yeah, but it cost us six pound per person entrance fee," Amy pointed out, creating a little bit of a sour note, but this was only a game. I doubted there'd be any price to pay here. I went to the counter where an older gentleman with silver hair, a dark grey three-piece suit and a crooked smile tilled it up for me on an old-timey cash register.
"Nine pounds ninety nine, please?" the somewhat sinister shop owner stated.
"Do you take Apple Pay?" I asked. The man looked at me like I had just taken a dump in the middle of his store, before he reached down and brought out a scanner. I placed my phone near it and the device gave its merry BIP, before I put it back in my jacket and picked up my prize.
"Have fun," the shopkeeper advised, although for some reason it felt his words were more like an order and a little like a warning.
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I stared at the myriad of vegetables before me, shallots, spring onions, pak choi, mushroom, tomatoes, peppers, chilli peppers, potatoes and garlic and realised I was in for a Hell of a lot of chopping. My wife Amy was upstairs beginning the three hours of preparatory work of getting ready whereas I would need only forty minutes at most, such was the disparity between the different sexes' standards of beauty. As a married man I knew better than to ask about the differences.
"Okay, veggies. Let's not make this any more painful than it needs to be," I advised my multi-coloured collection of edible plants. I grabbed a large spud that I was about to chop into cubes and odd end bits and brought my knife in for four quick chops to split it into five levels.
Chop!
Chop!
CHONG!
I looked about me as the last chop sounded like a cross between a drum and a thunder-clap. I was no longer in the kitchen but in an outdoor setting. In front of me was a fire, I looked about my person and my clothing had gone save a cloth around my waist. On my right was someone I knew in similar garb, my friend Elias, his belly protruding above his cloth with it under the material like an old man's pants. To my left was another friend Will in identical get-up looking skinnier than me with war paint or something else smeared across his torso. I stared out past the flames and I could make out a number of women, half-naked to the waist, with the one across from me being my wife Amy.
Chop!
I stared down at the chopping board and I was right back in the kitchen. The darkness of the tribal gathering replaced by fading afternoon light. My first worry was that I'd accidentally chopped my own fingers off but this was not the case. I had to swing my head around the room to make sure I was definitely back home in my own kitchen. I marched to the hallway and shouted up to Amy.
"Hey! Everything okay?"
"Uh-huh!" Amy yelled down over the sound of her hairdryer. I raised my eyebrows dismissively of my bizarre vision. I picked up a layer of potato and began to chop this into four.
Chop!
Chop!
CHONG!
There was no mistaking it this time. I was back around the tribal fire, staring out at my topless wife. I licked my lips as my eyes roved over her body, hips wide, a tiny waist and a chest you could play bongos on, not that I ever did. On Amy's frame this all looked in superb proportion and my body couldn't help but respond to the sight before me, however I then noticed movement either side of her, more topless female flesh.
