"I'm pregnant," my ex-wife said. "It's yours. From Halloween."
"Ha! Funny!" I replied, thinking she was kidding.
Ellen's voice got quiet and serious. "No, it's not. I'm not joking."
"OK, hang on. Give me a second." A million thoughts went through my head. We have two sons, and she shares custody of them with my wife Shelly and I. It's been amazingly great as a partnership, and got even more amazing when we all had sex with our friends Dan and Dana in Boulder over Halloween two months ago.
I took a breath and tried to clear my head and said the words I needed to say. "Look. It's your decision to make. I'd love to have another kid with you, but... if you don't want to..."
"I want to have it. How will Shelly take it?"
"I don't know to be honest. Let's all get together tonight and have dinner and talk. How about 6:30 at Spenger's? Can Anne cover the kids?"
"See you there." She hung up.
I sat back in my office chair and took a breath. It might not even be mine, I thought. Dan had more sex with Ellen than I did. In fact, I only came in her twice, the morning after.
You're being a jerk, I thought. Does it matter? Fuck, what do we do?
How was Shelly going to take this? We'd been talking about having a child in the coming year. What would change? How angry and upset will she be? How are things with Ellen going to change? How will the kids cope? I was spinning, and I needed to stop.
I called Shelly.
"Babe, sit down for some news?"
"You OK?"
"I think so. Ellen just called. She's pregnant and thinks it's mine."
Silence as I waited for the explosion.
Another moment.
"Well, shit. The way your cum was dribbling out her the next morning, no wonder she's knocked up. It's a wonder all three of us weren't!"
OK, first bullet dodged.
"She wants the kid."
Shelly laughed.
"You're so fucking cute when you're nervous. Of course she does. You make awesome kids. I want one too. We'll all have to talk and make a plan."
"What if it's not mine?"
Silence.
"First, you fuckwit, even if you weren't the sperm donor, it would still be your kid because it will be your children's sibling and you're going to help raise it. Second, you endearing fool, Dan was clipped. You should talk to Dana more."
"You're OK? Really?
"Yes, dear, I'm OK. It's a risk of the game. Let's sit down with her."
"6:30 at Spengler's."
"You already made a plan...good. See you both there, I need to work." And she hung up.
I didn't get a lot done that afternoon. I answered some calls and poked at some PowerPoint.
I'd forgotten that after an incredible night of sex among the 5 of us, we'd fallen asleep in a tangle of bodies, and in the dawn light I woke up to Ellen riding me like I was a galloping horse. Dana was sound asleep next to me through all the motion (we were on comforters on the floor, so no rocking bed), and Dan asleep next to her with Shelly next to him, propped on her elbow watching.