I feel like Iām filling out an employment application for a brothel. Of course, I can see the upside to this as well. I decide to return fire. Her name is Elizabeth and sheās 25, 5ā9, natural red hair and green eyes. Sheās been single for the same year or so I have, but unlike me her sex life hasnāt slowed down any thanks to the āgangā as she calls them. Yes, they were all clean. No, she doesnāt think sheāll be participating again. Yes, sheās a lesbian. Guys are a fetish, not romantic partners. One long term relationship. Sheās an artist, studying under full scholarship at one of the most prestigious art schools on the west coast. She is a nanny for a very well off, well known family and spends more time off than working. We poke and prod each other about family history, friends and hobbies, music and the mysteries of the universeā¦I start to stroke the sensitive lines of past, present and future; exploring the old emotional scars and fresh soul-deep wounds with as much passion and curiosity as I had previously imagined her exploring my physical body. She begins to pull me deep inside her, and before I know what is happening, I am lost with her, aching hungrily in my skin and soul to be a part of her. I feel as though Iāve built a relationship in the course of 20 minutes conversation, and I know thatās not a good thing.
The hours melt together and as talk of love and relationships mesh with harsher urges for the sexual and exotic I can see that Iām in over my head. There is a reason I havenāt dated in two years, and it isnāt for want of willing participants.
She offers to send me a few pictures of herself via e-mail, and when I notice that her pictures are indeed gone from my bookmarked page, I eagerly agree. Before she sends the photos, she asks me to come meet herā¦tonight. I grope for an answer, not sure of myself at all. Its one thing to play the flirt in textā¦but in reality itās been a very long time since Iāve actually marketed myself in the flesh. Not to mention itās now midnight. Using the āat this time of nightā card rather than the āIām a hopeless loser who just wants pretty pictures of you fucking people instead of a real chance at being one of those peopleā approach, I try to dodge what now seems inevitable disaster. Elizabeth is insistent, telling me that for all the time and effort sheās put in tonight the least I can do is let her buy me a mocha. āItās just coffee, really! In a safe public place where you can run away if I turn out to be the boogey man. Whatās the harm?ā Without conscious thought, I find myself agreeing to drag my unprepared, destructive, and extremely exhausted ass to meet Elizabeth in about an hour. She asks if I know where the artistās lofts are along the shoreline, and I painfully recount my rejection notice from the building she now resides in. Thereās a cafĆ© on the street level of the building where Iāve met for intense debates over the relevance of the Freudian Theory of Penis Envy in modern American lesbian culture with my fellow overachieving and undersexed graduate students. She and I agree on a secluded place near the back entrance to meet, and as suddenly as she appeared, āLaFleurDuFeuRougeā is gone, leaving my own āSamanthaPantherā hovering alone in the tiny window.
I check my e-mail, and sure enough I find the pictures promised. It looks as though she has just taken them. I save the files to my hard drive, and open the first file, kisses4sam.jpg. Sheās blowing the camera a kiss and has all the adorable charm of a lioness in heat. Itās obvious that this isnāt going to be as simple as I wish it could be.
O.K. Sam, start with the basics; wash, dry, and dress.
I plod off to the bathroom, and pile my remaining clothes into the laundry hamper. I crank the water on as hot as I can stand, and lather myself into a jasmine fluff of scented bubbles. My mind races as the hot water stabs at my back, trickling down over my shoulders and burning little hot rivers down my breasts. Sleep is no longer an option tonight. I plan out my outfit in my head as I scrub and soap my way out of the mess Iāve made of myself with Elizabeth earlier tonight, simultaneously praying for and putting off the chance of her in reality. I canāt believe Iāve agreed to this. Iāve gone to see people Iāve met on the internet, sure, but never without talking to them for quite some time and at lease speaking to them on the phone. And never someone Iād met from logging onto a porn site, forget about one of the āstarsā. But something about Elizabeth made her feel safeā¦and after all we were meeting in a public place, right? How much thatās unsavory can go on in an upscale snob house?
I step out of the shower and wrap myself in a towel, flipping my dripping hair back over my shoulder. As I trudge to the bedroom and pull my clothes from the closet, I think back over the evening. I head to the living room and drop my towel. I chew the edge of my lip and try to convince myself that Iām just meeting a friend for coffee.
In the middle of the night, at a clique-ish little coffee house hidden in the center of downtown, which is all but deserted at night. I pace the floor in the living room dangling the last clean pair of my āsexyā underwear, a lacy red thong, from my hand. I pause with my hands on my bare hips, and stare down at my silvery white Siamese cat, now lazing on the towel from my shower, expecting wildly that sheāll have an answer. No such luck.
I stand in the middle of the room naked and nervous, debating with my sex and my logic. I glance over at the picture Elizabeth had sent me. She has beautiful long red hair, not the garish carrot color Iām used to but a softer coppery auburn. It falls down just above her breasts in soft waves, framing a face of smooth, flawless cream. Her lips are deep pink, full and shaped into a neat pucker blowing the camera a kiss; I can almost feel them brushing against my bare breasts, and my nipples harden with the chill of the room and the excitement of the thought. Above, a cute little button nose with a dusting of freckles that spread out over her high cheekbones. Her eyes are a mysterious mix of deep greens and light browns, framed by long, thick, lightly colored lashes. A stab of need digs into me, my body suddenly aching to be near this beautiful, mysterious creature and have those amazing eyes locked on mine.
Suddenly entranced, I click over to the next file on my desktop: ForSam.jpg. She snapped these just for me tonight, and I open the file to renew my sense of determination. Elizabeth is stretched out, a marvelous display of sexuality, on her small single bed. Sheās fully nude and obviously aroused. Sheās on her back, with one knee bent up and the other leg falling gently off the bed, dangling a finely boned foot to the floor. She has long, well sculpted legs. The delicate, thin fingers of her right hand are pressed lightly in between her legs, and the hint of a flame colored strip peeks out between them. I shudder hard and imagine my hand there, pressing into the warm wetness. My eyes follow the line from her hand up the curve of her belly, a very slight fullness lacking in her hips lingers there making her human, real, and all the more wonderful to see. She has large natural breasts that are pale and richly white, as though theyāve been painted with milk. Her nipples are erect, and only a slight pinkness defines where they begin. The tips are thick and dark pink, matching her lips. The nails of her right hand pucker the soft skin of her right breast, which overflows her palm. I bite my lip instinctively, almost feeling the cool skin of her tits flooding my mouth. Her shoulders slope onto the thick down comforter beneath her, and the light shadowing of her collar bone draws my eyes up to her soft, long, porcelain neck. My tongue slips past my lips and I can taste her sweet skin. The tangled mass of her hair dips over her shoulders, laps up at her face, and commands a space of the bed with curls and waves of deep red and gold. Her jaw is delicate, her face passionate. Eyes almost closed, lips slightly parted; blissfully needful, enticing and erotic. The low track lighting in the room casts a minimal light, making her body radiate in the false dusk.
Not only am I now ready to face her, Iām near the point of jumping on top of her on sight. I fight my way back to reality and slip into the thong. I grope around the room in the dark trying to remember exactly where I laid out my clothes and trying desperately and unsuccessfully to erase the images of Elizabeth laid out before me that dance in my mind. Tripping over my own feet I manage to fall flat on my face and land with my hand conveniently on my vibrator. I pull myself up to a sitting position on the floor by my desk, reach up and flip the switch on my desk lamp. I find the scattered double Aās and put them all back in place including the ācapā. I turn in on for a test, and the warm purr of it draws my mind back into complicated fantasies involving Elizabeth and various places in my apartment. Iām tempted to stay home and leave the real world and its possible disappointments behind, and to keep my fantasy of Elizabeth as fresh, pure, willing and inviting as I can imagine. Unspoiled by personality flaws and hang ups, complications of relationships, jobs, and grown-up life, she can be mine however I wish her to be. But looking back up to my monitor, I can hardly imagine that anything short of a disaster in person can be more exciting than a 17 inch rendering spread across my screen and my own wandering hands.