From Marriage to Conjugal Disorder

Jonathan Sawyer

Part I:

Carole and Wilbur Hilfner were an average, wedded twosome: laid back, college-educated urbanites in their late twenties. The first years of their married life were filled with the usual bright hopes and aspirations that love can inspire. The long, delicious months of dating had created the illusion of solidarity, sensual harmony, and permanence: a solid foundation that would serve them well over the years to come. In time, however, the rose-colored veil of infatuation that had obscured minor defects during their engagement began to fade away and the character flaws of the other spouse became more evident. The trivia of everyday living had eroded the fantasy of a carefree existence. The evolution from marital bliss to conjugal routine happened sooner than expected.

They learned to accept the blandness of married life with its moments of wild passion and unbridled anger. Compromising frequently was not something they had anticipated but were forced to do. Carole and Wilbur discovered they were caught in a net of forced togetherness with its advantages and burdens. Monogamy weighed heavily on their perception of the "good life."

As a means of escape, they began to fantasize about former lovers they had rejected prior to marriage and who had moved on in other directions and with different partners. In Carole's eyes, life would have been better or at least less stressful with Greg who was now married himself and lived in another state. Greg, she knew, was a bond trader for a major brokerage firm and was doing very well. The weekends they spent at his father's lake cabin long ago were etched in her memory.

As for Wilbur, he thought about fun-loving Michelle and how they had enjoyed themselves, free of any responsibilities and able to satisfy each other's whims without hesitation...jump in the car on a moment's notice and head for the ski slopes of Vermont! Or go on an extended weekend to the North Carolina beaches! Like many other women in his life, Michelle had chosen to marry someone else and she faded into conjugal exclusivity with a husband that Wilbur had never met. Nonetheless, if he hadn't been so demanding and self-centered, who knows what might have happened? There was the temptation, ever so dangerous these days, to get in touch and see how she was doing. It was not a good idea, he knew.

Sensing they were both having trouble communicating with each other, Carole thought about bringing up old flames, in a joking manner, to see Wilbur's response. It could be that he had similar feelings. If so, they could possibly discuss why they were experiencing this lack of satisfaction in their relationship. Maybe clearing the air would bring them closer together....

Flashback to happier times

They had married three years out of college and Carole found herself pregnant a few months later. During this period, they led a very active life, going on vacations, partying with friends, and pretending that little had changed.

Unfortunately, in part as a result of this hyper-activity, Carole experienced a miscarriage in her first trimester. They were both upset and puzzled by this unexpected event. Carole had been setting up a baby's room and purchasing paraphernalia for the daughter she was going to have. Both in-laws were disappointed and freely gave advice to Carole: try again and this time, don't do so much. The gynecologists gave similar orders: try to get pregnant again, but this time cut back and lead a restricted life style.

Carole fought through her initial depression and gamely followed everyone's instructions. Her second pregnancy occurred within a few months and this time, she limited her social life to the minimum. Young Wilbur junior was born--a seven-and-a-half pound, healthy baby--without serious problems, to the joy of the entire family. Carole had to remake the motif of the baby's room to accommodate a son's arrival.

Both Wilbur and Carole found out that there would be no more leisurely Sunday brunches or extensive reading of the newspaper during morning hours. Sleep was now regulated by the infant's needs. They got used to the sleep deprivation that all new parents experienced. Wilbur worked at a major consultancy firm downtown and Carole was a third-grade teacher in the local elementary school. She benefited from a very generous maternity leave that let her adjust to being a new mother.

Intimacy, or their sex life, shifted from a predictable and sometimes spontaneous routine to infrequent interludes between child-rearing duties. Wilbur was ill at ease with his sex-starved parental role. Carole found herself caught in the web of multiple commitments: teaching grammar school, planning meals, house cleaning and maintenance, child care, and wifely duties. At the end of the day, sleep was her anticipated reward for being a dutiful mother and spouse.

The few times they made love each month were hasty and attuned to the baby's cry for attention. To his chagrin Wilbur found himself masturbating in the shower--which he later discovered was very common among new fathers. When he complained about his frustration, Carole accused him of being insensitive towards her needs. At the end of the day, passionate love-making was simply something she didn't have the energy for. However, she admitted that they could set up a schedule for weekend "sessions" or stay up a little later after the baby had gone to sleep. Thus they were introduced to sexual opportunism that was something all young marrieds went through during the first years of infancy. Closed doors and suppressed orgasmic cries would later become part of married life in families with children.

As time went by, Carole brought up the idea of a second child. Little Wilbur (or "Clayton", for her mother's maiden name), she argued, would need a sibling to teach him how to share and not be the focus of all attention. They had learned a great deal from raising their son, so the second child wouldn't be as demanding. Wilbur was doing very well at the consultancy firm and Carole had just received a sizeable raise at her elementary school. They were well-placed to afford another member of the family. With some hesitation, Wilbur agreed that another child would make them a more complete family.

The in-laws were delighted to find out about the second pregnancy. This time it was to be the coveted little girl that Carole's had longed for initially. There were some complications with her pregnancy that required Carole to rest in bed as much as possible during the day. She had asked for a leave of absence at the school and was pleased to learn that their medical insurance policy granted her this privilege. They were also surprised and delighted to learn that sexual activity could continue freely during the pregnancy--preferably in certain positions. Carole experienced a sense of sexual freedom and passion that she had not known in the past. Wilbur, on the other hand, was concerned about the safety of the child. Carole dissuaded him with her new-found sensuality and confidence.

In spite of the difficulties she had experienced during pregnancy, Carole became a mother for the second time after a full-term delivery almost on her due date. Wilbur assumed the role of "house daddy" since his firm had granted him a four-month "paternity leave" to take care of the new-born. Social mores had changed a great deal over the years. Wilbur's father commented on his son's good fortune to have this chance to be with his daughter in her earliest days. During his career, only the woman received any form of relief from working.

Daughter Caroline (this was the closest Carole could get to her first name) was a much easier child to handle than Wilbur junior (or Clayton). Nonetheless, life became more complicated with child care for two young children: Clayton was four at Caroline's birth. Both parents learned to schedule daily activities around the immediate needs of their children. They had even fallen into the routine of having a "date night" to enjoy each other's company without interruption.

To give the children a more "fulfilling" life with enhanced educational opportunities, they had moved to a suburban home two years ago and Wilbur became the "keeper of the grounds" and chauffeur for the family on weekends. He learned to use a lawn mower with manly adeptness. He would regularly go to

Lowe's

for garden supplies, flowering hedges, anti-weed sprays, pine straw, and many other household items. They would occasionally attend neighborhood get-togethers with other young couples. Life became very predictable. The extended vacation trips they had enjoyed in the past were now limited to familial outings at the beach where they would rent a home for in-laws and other assorted relatives and friends. For Carole, however, these "vacations" were more work than relaxation.

Both Carole and Wilbur pretended that the interfacing of work and family concerns was satisfying but in truth they felt that chances for a richer existence were passing them by. Equally concerned, they talked about taking some time off and possibly going to Europe or another exotic destination. In the end, however, they knew that leaving the children with relatives and escaping the bonds of parental responsibility was not something they would be comfortable with. Taking young children abroad seemed almost too complicated to envision. Adventuresome young couples did that sort of thing, they realized, but it took all the pleasure and freedom out of being away from the daily hum-drum of life. How do you visit Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris with two kids in tow? Where do you eat? Is the food safe in tiny French restaurants? Most tours discouraged participants from bringing underage children because of child care problems.

Post flashback events

It was then that Carole and Wilbur turned inward and began to re-examine their choices. The once-coveted illusions of Michelle and Greg as stand-in partners now seemed more exciting than ever before. It was harmless, they thought, to daydream about a more fulfilling existence with another companion. In fact, according to what she had read, Carole knew that married couples did this sort of thing all the time. It was an escape valve that let them fantasize without any repercussions. It was the "Walter Mitty" syndrome that James Thurber had so brilliantly outlined many years ago.

One day, Wilbur suggested they do something "out of the ordinary" to spice up their lives that had settled into an uninspiring routine. They agreed that it might be fun to experiment a little, but there should be strict guidelines to follow. Carole was aware that many young couples had been involved, according to her women's magazines, with "wife swapping"--in fact there were even situational documentaries on TV where this was done--in America and Australia. Spouses would be charged with "taking over" the role of another wife within a carefully selected family. Television crews would invade the chosen household and film daily activities of note for later editing and broadcasting. There were rules and regulations, but in general life was to proceed with very few artificial restrictions for two weeks. For the most part, wives had to refrain from any sexual activity with their new partners. At the end of this contrived visit, both couples would recap their experiences and say whether the wife exchange had been beneficial or not. In many instances, the husbands became jealous and altercations occurred. It made for entertaining domestic fantasies that drove up viewer ratings.

Carole was taken aback when she came across, under the search title of "wife swapping," a Czech site that portrayed young, and not so young couples who had decided to "upset the applecart" or walk on the wild side in an effort to spice up their boring, predictable existence. It mimicked a sort of

cinema verite

or realistic film-making by letting the participants film themselves during a week-long stint of cross-communal living. In these instances, love-making took place in a variety of locations and every aspect was recorded for viewing. Nudity, shower scenes, and kitchen sex acts were abundant; apartments were somewhat primitive by American standards so the actors had to improvise. Close-ups of genitalia were frequent and both women and men were accomplished in the art of love, indoors or out of doors. Overall, these clips were more pornographic than instructional.

Wilbur conceded that this sort of licentious behavior wasn't compatible with American life styles; nothing similar could be broadcast on American TV. They both agreed that this kind of sexual freedom and experimentation was beyond the pale for their tastes.

In the meantime, Carole remembered, during her undergraduate years at a very liberal private college, how sorority and fraternity members would party together. Some of the wilder or more progressive girls would set up a designated room for sexual encounters of all sorts. It was an evening of radical experimentation for both sexes. Alcohol flowed abundantly and inhibitions disappeared.

The quasi orgy began with a game of "truth or dare." Cards were passed around outlining a large number of sexual acts that constituted a sort of "rite of passage" for the adventurous youth in attendance. They were seeking carnal knowledge that would let them become sophisticated "adults" with no taboos to restrain them.

Girls and boys would undress--some fully and others only half-way--as the dares became more and more outrageous. Carole and her sorority mates took precautions with contraception and some of the boys wore condoms, but not all. After an hour or so, Carole and other intoxicated females gave their bodies freely to excited males as the onlookers cheered and encouraged them to do more, to submit to every request.

Cunnilingus and fellatio were practiced with varying degrees of skill on virtually every participant. A few girls declined to "go all the way" but others let themselves be penetrated front and rear. The most virile of the males would invite young women to squat on their erect penises in rapid succession (according to instructions, they were to spend only three minutes in the cowgirl position). Other couples ignored the "dare" instructions and openly had sex in various positions. Screams and moans of pleasure echoed throughout the room to the accompaniment of hard rock music. After these episodes, the "liberated" girls would compare notes (and keep lists) of those boys who had the largest penises and who lasted the longest during copulation. A complicated rating system was devised and spread around the sorority for future knowledge. Those were Carole's days of Sodom and Gomorrah.

For some time after these bacchanalia, she was afraid that her deviant acts might be exposed on line; some of the boys had filmed these "raves" and put them out there for public viewing. Luckily, nothing had happened to brand her a "slut" or "whore" on campus. Her college sex life was uninhibited and indiscriminate just the same.

After graduation, all of this stopped when she met Wilbur and fell in love. She did not mention her long string of lovers to her fiancé; he had been equally as reserved about his previous relationships. The past was the past and they were very much children of the times. College was where you were introduced to a variety of sexual experiments (or deviancies) that remained secretive--you sincerely hoped--and free of guilt. In those days, sexual pleasure was a goal unto itself without any moral or religious taboos to restrain behavior.

Carole had these experiences in mind when Wilbur introduced her to a lesser version of "wife swapping" they could indulge in and not be exposed to public scrutiny. A few years ago they had met a seemingly open-minded couple, married with children like themselves, and about the same age (in truth, they were slightly older). Cathy and Roger MacIntosh were Californians by birth and had come to town when Roger was offered a high-level executive position with a local construction company.

Initially Roger had been a naval officer for a number of years; when his father fell ill and needed to be replaced at the family company, Roger resigned his commission and took over an established and prosperous construction firm in California. Cathy was a homemaker and taught part-time at a church-related kindergarten. Both Carole and Cathy had hit it off right away through their mutual love of children. They would exchange anecdotes about teaching as well as savory recipes they had created on their own. Over time, a real friendship had evolved.

Roger was tall and well-built with short-cropped blond hair. He had played college football and was a sports enthusiast. Wilbur in turn had been a member of the swimming team during his college years. He had also played basketball in high school. He and Roger had no problem in talking about sporting events. They were very comfortable with each other.

One evening when chatting with Roger on the patio, Wilbur was surprised to learn that, coming from California, Roger and Cathy had been naturists ("nudists"for the layman) for some time. They had belonged to a private club near Malibu and would take the children on weekends to enjoy nature in the nude with other members. In fact, they were disappointed when they moved east and couldn't locate a suitable naturist association close to town. Wilbur sheepishly had to admit that he knew very little about the naturist movement (very prevalent in European countries) other than from what they had read in magazines that dealt with alternative life styles.

Roger and Cathy were sympathetic and said that, if Wilbur and Carole

had no objections, they would be glad to invite them to a barbecue get-together next weekend with some naturists they had met in the region. He warned Wilbur, however, that clothing was optional at the pool and elsewhere. Roger emphasized they would enjoy meeting the naturists: they came from a variety of backgrounds and were very open-minded and non-judgmental.

Wilbur was intrigued but hesitated. He thanked Roger and said he needed to discuss this with Carole before they could accept the invitation. Roger said he understood without seeming to be offended.

Later that evening, when the children were in bed, Wilbur brought up the subject of Roger's invitation. At first, Carole giggled in disbelief but then gave some thought to being a "back-yard naturist." Since they had sought to add a little spice to their life--maybe naturism would be that first step, Carole admitted. Wilbur also agreed that, in a restricted area such as Roger's fenced-in back yard, it would do little harm to wander around in the nude with compliant guests. Roger had reassured them that naturists were average people and not sex predators. Wilbur recalled skinny-dipping as a teenager and how good it felt to swim in the nude. Carole also remembered how she and Greg would swim nude at his lake house and stretch out on the dock to sunbathe. At the time, it felt more therapeutic than sexual.

She and Wilbur agreed to accept the invitation. He would confirm with Roger tomorrow morning. They were both looking forward to breaking the mold of predictability they had fallen into. As they were getting ready for bed, Carole asked Wilbur for his "honest" opinion about her body. She was a little unnerved at the prospect of exposing herself to strangers after more than six years of marriage and two children. She took off her nightgown and stood naked in front of him. His eyes scanned her from top to bottom. He had always admired her trim figure. Her breasts, even after two children, were firm and not sagging. Dark aureola surrounded the nipples and made her breasts seem fuller and more alluring. When he cupped them during love-play, the nipples would harden erotically and she would writhe in pleasure.