Derrick is an asshole. He's my best friend but he's also an asshole. We played professional basketball in Barcelona for three seasons together. We won one championship and fucked half of Europe together. I love him like a brother but he's an asshole.
When I met Colette she had just finished her law degree at Lycée Condorcet. The first thing I noticed was how perfectly put together she was. Nothing extravagant but I could tell she was a professional something or other. From her minimal makeup and pristine dark skin to her unbranded luxury handbag and skirt, she was straight off a Vogue cover. There was no twinkle in her eye or girlish smile when I approached her. She was all business.
We were both just looking for sex in a cafe that afternoon.
But our love for sci-fi got us into a post-fuck conversation that led to real dates and living together and an engagement and a wedding.
Derrick's bachelor party activities were legendary to the point where Colette's Senegalese brothers had to carry him back to his hotel suite. We'd found out that he was ready for round two when the strippers finally found his room. Derrick was insatiable.
However when Derrick finally convinced himself to settle down he tried to use Colette and I as a reference. Unfortunately Derrick was trying too hard to find a wife instead of finding a best friend. That's what Colette and I had found in each other. Everything else was icing on the cake.
At first Colette would introduce him to some of her friends but those connections were always a nightmare. I think two ended with mutual restraining orders. When Derrick visited us in Phoenix he and one of Colette's coworkers, Alice, looked like a cute couple until we watched them hurling expletives at each other in our driveway before a dinner party. Colette gave up trying to help Derrick that night.
When we were in Miami Derrick had chilled a ton but he still wasn't ready to settle down He appeared to be like less of an asshole. He was crashing in our pool house when he met Josephine. She was a friendly woman but nothing special. They were on-again off-again for a couple of years but he wasn't ready. Colette and I thought they'd end up together if he ever figured out his shit.
And then came Justine.
Colette's firm had us in Montreal for six months. We loved it there. Colette loved speaking French to everyone all of the time and I found myself working part-time at a sci-fi bookstore.
One day I get a text from Derrick saying he was in town and had someone that he wanted Colette and I to meet. This sounded huge so Colette and I ordered a meal from our favorite Moroccan restaurant L'Olive Noire. I waited patiently for Colette to get home from work and for our guests to arrive.
Derrick and Justine's car dropped them at our house around 6:30PM. Derrick looked amazingly fit thanks to his new position at a fitness facility headquarters in Phoenix. He'd bought a house and got a dog but I didn't think he'd truly settled down.
Justine was beautiful and smart. She was taller than Derrick usually went for but her bronze complexion, unapologetic Afro and glasses were right on brand for Derrick. In our living room she darted right for the television because I was watching an episode of Deep Space 9. "Avery Brooks is my favorite!" she announced to no one in particular. "Get me a sparkling water, please," she said before planting herself on our couch like a ten year old. So Derrick and I headed to the kitchen.
My first thought was that she'd put a spell on Derrick and I was impressed with her level of witchcraft. As I pulled out a bottle of sparkling water I turned to him to ask how long he and Justine had been together.
But before I could talk I was caught off guard by what looked like the biggest and brightest wedding ring I'd ever seen. Only my shocked eyes were bigger than that diamond.
At that point I heard the doorbell ring and went to grab the food. The delivery lady wanted to chat for an extra tip, but I had no time for her. I almost dropped everything as I rushed to get back to the kitchen.
By then I'd found Derrick buried in a text message and could hear Justine and Colette. Colette must have pulled into the garage while I was grabbing the food. They were in the living room speaking French and laughing up a storm.
As I unpacked the food I started loading up the thousand questions I had for Derrick. This was big news.
Derrick then took a phone call and started pacing in the hallway talking about exercise equipment and leasing space. So I headed in to check on Colette and Justine. Their conversation in French stopped as I walked in the room. They both turned to me from their huddled position on the couch and then back at each other with the laugh of two old friends. I knew when I was the butt of a joke so I excused myself to get the food ready.
I got back to the kitchen just in time to see Derrick headed out the front door to take his call on the front porch. As I starting preparing the food Justine walked into the room with a gigantic smile as the aromas of Mediterranean food filled the air. "Colette went to change," Justine said as she tasted each dish with a smile.
"This new assignment has been a lot of work," I explained as I opened the red wine we'd been saving for a special occasion. "So, how'd did you and Derrick meet?" I asked.
"The modern way," Justine laughed. "A dating site. We chatted a lot and then he said he was coming here."
What? Derrick met a woman on a website, is just now meeting her for the first time and is now about to propose? What a fucking idiot? Still a fucking asshole!
"You're spilling the wine!" Colette announces as she grabs the glasses from my hands. "You must be hearing the story."
I was almost too shocked to notice the t-shirt and sweatpants that my wife had changed into. The look was a sophisticated casual as always, but it was more casual than I'd ever seen her when we had company. This was her look when she pretended that the outside world didn't exist. The explanation point of this relaxed look was there was clearly no bra between her nipples and her cotton T. I wanted to protest but there were big priorities.
I inhaled a full glass of that wine so I could get my bearings. Colette and Justine continued in French while they nibbled on our dinner in the kitchen. I drowned out the next thousand questions in my head with another glass of wine.
I headed to the front door to get some answers from Derrick and found no one there. I stepped outside to see if he was pacing in front of our house. Then my phone buzzed.
"Thanks brother!" the text from Derrick read.
He was gone. That asshole. A thousand more fucking questions! I needed more wine.
When I got back to the kitchen I found Justine standing behind Colette on the opposite side of the island. Justine was giving Colette a shoulder massage and they were speaking in French. "Is Derrick off to propose?" Colette asked once she noticed I was in the room.
"Propose?" I asked back to Colette because I wanted to know what she knew.
Justine starts speaking in French and Colette smiles from the words and the massage. "To Alice and Josephine," Colette interprets.
"To who and who?" I ask.
Clearly I'm a couple of pages behind everyone else in the room and by the look of it, this massage that's happening in my kitchen is in a chapter I need to catch up to.
"Derrick is going to propose to both Alice and Josephine in Phoenix," Colette begins to explain with her eyes closed. "They are a throuple. I hear the rings are huge."
"Yeah," I answered slowly.
Justine was still massaging Colette's neck and shoulders but she was practically whispering in Colette's ear. I could barely hear the French that was being carefully poured into my wife's ear as she exposed her neck in a way that gave me a twinge of jealousy.
"Derrick met Justine in an online chat group because they were both trying to understand their feelings on being with multiple people," Colette continued to translate. "Derrick was already involved with two women he loved and Justine was looking to test the waters."
At this point I could only see one of Justine hands caressing my wife's shoulders, neck and hair. The mint green nails in Colette's beautiful nappy locs were a sight of perfection. But I was more interested in where her other hand had disappeared to as the French whispering continued to spill.
"Justine encouraged Derrick to follow his heart and Derrick proposed a way for Justine to explore her new interest," Colette explained as her head wilted forward.
As I began to catch up to the chapter Justine and Colette were in, Colette pulled away from Justine and headed toward the living room. Colette grabbed Justine by the hand and lead her slowly. Justine bit her lip as she followed in her steps but kept her eyes on me with an apologetic look. When they cleared the island I could see that the sweatpants had disappeared just like Derrick.
I wondered if I had too many glasses of wine. I wondered if I hadn't had enough wine. I thought to myself how quickly I was supposed to chase them into the living room. I thought to myself how betrayed I could have felt. Then I thought to myself how much I loved Colette so I said a prayer and followed the party.
In the living room Deep Space Nine was still playing softly in the background. Our oversized winter blanket was spread out on the floor in front of the couch. Justine was still in her dress and Colette was still in her T as they laid next to each other. Justine was still whispering in French. Colette's eyes were still closed.
"Derrick couldn't stop talking about the perfect couple that he knew that lived in Montreal so Justine had to meet us," Collette continued as I sat to rub her feet. "Our relationship was a model for what he thought he wanted, but there was something missing for him."
I listened as I began to rub both Colette and Justine's feet simultaneously.
"Between the loving friendship and sci-fi Justine knew she had to meet us," Colette continued. I watched as Justine's manicured fingers crept under Colette's sweatshirt. "Justine asked Derrick if he would introduce us and he said that it would have to be in person. So he flew in for the day to make sure Justine was the right match and then he sent a text... to me."
Momentum is a funny thing. It was at that very moment I froze in what I was doing. I continued to rub their feet and I kept my head down. But I was frozen. I couldn't undo the movement that I was in. But I wasn't actively engaged.
"Derrick texted me a couple of months ago and told me about Alice and Josephine and the rings," Colette spoke softly as I continued to rub their feet. "I was happy for him but I truly thought the throuple thing was a way for him to sabotage everything. So he asked me to learn more and meet with Justine for coffee."
