3 years later
We are side by side on the beach at Porquerolles. White sand trickles between my toes as Lyn lies with her head on my stomach, stretched out at right angles to me. She is wearing a swimming costume, as am I. Nearby a young woman is playing with two children, one about two and a half year's old, the other barely a year. The young woman is James's wife Case: they've been married for a year now. The children are both Lyn's, one fathered by Ben, her first love, and the other by Matthew, Kirsty's husband, out of a decision Lyn made and carried through with her usual thoroughness. Ben is now living with Sam, her sister, in Macclesfield
.
Lyn has been living alone with her children but sees Kate and Sarah and their partners often. She works part-time teaching French to children in primary schools in Dover. Kate has divorced Mark and has just had a child by Rob Timpson whom she married this spring after their child was born. They are both living in Norwich running an asset management planning service aimed at local farmers. Rob understands Kate's nature and welcomes Lyn to their home and they all renew those experiences that began up in the hills that summer, when they first met. I'm just so happy now to be with her again after a period of uncertainty in my own life. I tease Lyn:
'Don't you tell stories any more?'
'It's been a long time,' she answers wistfully. 'I don't think anyone's been listening.' She shook her long auburn hair and smiled at me, raising herself on an elbow.
'Would you like a story?' she asked.
'Yes, let me meander again through your past, Lyn.'
'Give me a while to organize my tale, assemble the cast and wake them from their slumbers.'
She seemed to doze and I thought she had indeed gone off to sleep. Then she stirred and sat up properly, leaning into me and placing a hand gently on my thigh. 'Are you ready to listen? You see, there are sad times and happy times, as in all lives. But life is ultimately good to me, you know. Happiness, your own personal made-in-heaven-just-for-you happiness, is out there somewhere, you just have to believe it is and hope you will stumble on it in the end. You can't go looking as you don't know where to go. But don't close your mind to the new: the possibilities are always endless,' she finished, looking into my eyes as she raised her face to mine. I bent mine to hers and kissed her fondly.
'Ready?' she asked.
'Yes,' I said. 'Tell it as if I was a total stranger who didn't know or share our past.'
And so for, well, almost the very last time, my Lyn began to weave once more that tapestry of tales she began so long ago. And as the patterns became clearer I finally understood the meanings of her love, as you will see...
I had known in my heart for a long time that Case and James were destined for each other, just as I learnt to accept that Ben would slowly come to recognize his feelings for Sam, my slightly younger sister. But you know who she is, of course. Sometimes I think of the story as if I was telling it on the radio or something to other strangers who don't understand...
I found that the hurt lessened and evaporated. I still love Ben, but differently and I am happy for them both. Not long ago I visited them so he could see his child. They've got a nice place in Macclesfield. Sam made it clear she wanted Ben to sleep with me whilst I was there and that was nice of her. I spent just one night with him. I didn't need sex as much any more. Perhaps it was since I had my first child or perhaps it was a more deeply rooted sadness that Sam, Ben, Case and James had found their dreams and had seized hold of them. I was still attached to them all but my dream was like a kite whose cord had broken. The kite had escaped me but it was still flying out of my reach.
I went to stay with Kirsty and Matthew and kept my word to Matthew.
'My word' is perhaps not quite right as I don't think he actually knew of the promise or pact I had made with myself. Kirsty told me she could never thank me enough but I did it for myself really. I wanted to show I could make a decision and carry it out, accepting all the consequences. Matthew's child, Sasha, was born just nine months later and he and Kirsty both attended the birth.
Summer holidays continued much the same and at those times I would sample again the delights of previous partners and friends as we shared our love. Rob Timpson was around a lot and we met the Jenkinsons from Chester. I liked Sally very much and she has been to stay with me in Dover. Her family encouraged her to come down and she and I had a wonderful time together.
Then not long after Sasha, my second, was born, Gail fell ill. It seemed to take a long time for anyone to diagnose what was wrong and anyway Dave and Gail didn't tell us for a long time that there was anything the matter. Gail became worse as doctors battled to control something wrong with her blood. She was on steroids, then chemotherapy. I went to see them as soon as Dave told me there was something seriously wrong. He was panicking now. When I arrived in my little Fiat car packed with baby stuff I was completely shocked by what I saw. Gail looked so weak. I knew she was dying.
I took her in my arms and held her. That night I lay in bed with her, warming her.
I had to get back to Dover for Tuesday morning and, tragically, I never saw her again. She died at home with Dave. We all met together for the funeral, everyone, but it was a sad time. Dave seemed a cavernous hollow of himself - inert, silent and brooding on the past. We felt guilty somehow, almost believing that our rejection of normal conventional relationships might be the cause of retribution being visited upon us. That was rubbish, I decided, and threw such thoughts from my mind. I wondered however if Dave struggled more.
Preoccupied by both Sasha and by young Nicholas, I kept myself to myself, hearing now and then from my sister that all was not well. Dave had taken on extra responsibilities at work, ploughing himself into his work, and was likely to undertake some fairly lengthy foreign trips on behalf of his firm. He hadn't taken to drink or anything like that: he'd just lost the will to communicate with the rest of the family. He couldn't be bothered any more. He and Gail had loved each other very much and she was always a foil to his desires and she supported his fantasies willingly as he had accepted and understood her desires sometimes for female company.
It must have been just before the half-term break in June. I had just gone back to work and Sasha and Nick were at their respective child care or nursery placement. I was glad to get back to work both from a financial point of view and because coping on my own was turning me into an emotional zombie deprived of adult company. This had been the worst of times for me; I didn't remotely regret having had Matthew's child and he had been very supportive. Matthew and Kirsty gave me monthly financial support for Sasha as does Ben for Nick.
I planned to spend some time with Matthew and Kirsty later during the long summer break if all went to plan and provided we were all well: they had made it clear that they wanted this and Kirsty told me on the phone that she hoped I would enjoy 'being' with her and Matthew again. I knew what she was suggesting and that too boosted my esteem. I tried to take a bit more care of myself and worked on my figure to make sure I wasn't going to seed. Most of all I realized I needed a partner, someone constant in my life to run alongside my appetite for diversity.
