"Hello" said a gruff voice at the other end.
"Hey, I'm Ranbir and looking for an invite to the party tonight", I said quickly. Was I hoping that he'd deny me today? Why was I nervous?
"Hey Ranbir, I'm Dilip. I've got a few questions before I can confirm. How old are you?" I heard.
"Umm .... 35"
"And, you know there's a cover charge for this party, right?"
"Yeah, sure", I replied.
"And, you know there's gonna be nudity and stuff. You're ok with that?", he pressed on.
Wasn't I? This was not my first swinger party; I've been to a few before, so why was I hesitating?
"Hello ....???" he said over the phone.
"Yes, I'm good with everything", I tried to seal the deal.
"Alright, I'll text you the address in a few. Party starts at 8, and doors close at 10". He hung up the phone.
'That wasn't too bad, I'm in' I thought to myself. 'Why, then, did I have this feeling unease about everything?' I was asking myself.
To be honest, it wasn't just about the swinger party. It was all the other things in life. At 35, I had a career to take care of. At 35, I had to ensure that my kid was taken care of. At 35, I was divorced from my wife of 10 years. There was a lot that had happened in the last year. And, I could not take another risk. Or could I?
The marriage was a mistake. Gayatri and I never did get along. Calling us chalk and cheese was understating the differences. Gayatri was outgoing, I am an introvert. Gayatri was assertive and confident, I was shy and embarrassed to be in the highlight. Gayatri was demanding, I could only make the best of what I got. And so, when Gayatri suggested marriage, I visualized having the best of both worlds. After all, opposites attract, don't they?
But, with nothing in common, this was always a doomed marriage. And, the differences were highlighted in bed. It's almost like we switched roles in the bedroom. While I wanted to experiment, Gayatri preferred the tried and tested. When we decided to have a baby, it was a last ditch effort to save the marriage. Unfortunately, it only delayed the inevitable by two years.
These were some of the things I was thinking about on the drive over. And, wondering how I'd react if my boss were to show up at the party; especially since she's a woman. I chuckled to myself imagining Uma at a swingers bash. But then I stopped grinning, what if?
Then, there were all these rational fears, what if the cops barge in? What if the bouncer decides to deny entry, or worse, throw me out? What if nobody picks me tonight? I'm not pessimistic, I'm a realist. What would a woman care for a slightly over the top, 35 year old guy? But, I forged ahead, ignoring the risks and the dangers. Because, I enjoyed this.
Pansexual, that's how I explain myself. I see sexuality in every situation. To me, sex is not restricted to a husband and wife, let alone a man and a woman. If a man loves another man, I'll be happy in their togetherness, and secretly wonder what they do in bed. How beautiful it would be to see them sucking each other. What does the guy at the bottom feel, when his top is thrusting into him?. I'd drive past Lover's Point slowly, voyeuristically hoping to see something I'm not supposed to see, heavy petting, maybe a little skin, a bra thrown away, or some real sex. And the stories of Oedipus and Lolita are embedded into my mind, having read them on multiple occasions. I do see sexuality in every situation. And, I enjoyed being a pansexual.