It had been ages since I visited my friend, Marie, who lives in the capital. It wasn't that far away, only a 30-minute train ride, but we were both always too busy with work. After going back and forth to find a date that worked for both of us (and not finding one), I decided to just join her and her group of city friends at a popular bar where a fancy DJ would be playing on Friday night. I didn't really like her friends, but it had been so long since I had seen Marie, so I went anyway.
That's why I found myself on a busy terrace, surrounded by fifteen people I did not know, with Marie sitting so far away that I couldn't even hear her in all the noise. I was sitting between the only two people that I had met before, but wasn't really enjoying their conversation. I was just nodding along while looking at the people at the other bars around us. Despite not enjoying the conversation, I was in fact enjoying myself.
It was a hot summer night, nice and warm, and the atmosphere in the capital felt different than in the city where I lived. Maybe it had to do with the fact that nobody knew me here, or maybe with the grittiness of the capital. I felt like anything could happen.
The people next to me were talking about how wonderful it would be to have children with friends, instead of with romantic partners. It sounded ridiculous in my ears. None of them had any sort of real commitment. They were all co-housing and moving between jobs, partners and genders. I felt a million years older, thinking about the house I had renovated, the dog I had raised, and my marriage. To escape from the conversation, I proposed to go get drinks.
"Does any of you want anything else?" I asked those closest to me.
Someone wanted another beer, but the others still had drinks. I got up anyway, moving inside to order at the bar.
Even though I had been looking at the crowd outside and on the terrace, I didn't really notice how many more people were inside the bar. It was a cool spot with a nice interior and the fancy DJ did play good music. It seemed like everyone hip from the age of 26 to 36 was here tonight.
There was a crowd pushing to get to the bar, so I squeezed myself between some people and tried to decide with which bartender to lock eyes to get his attention. While being pushed/squeezed closer to the bar, I felt a huge sense of happiness being here.
Everyone was so pretty and seemed to want to enjoy themselves. I would stay over with my friend and had nothing to do the next day. This had been so long.
I studied the wall where the menu was noted. I had been drinking beers, but I wanted something stronger, like a rum on the rocks. I was slightly aware of how my friend's friends might perceive me and also not wanting to get too drunk and embarrass myself. Then I thought, "Fuck them, I don't know them anyway." I could always switch to water if I would start to feel drunk.
Someone in front of me was trying to move away from the bar with a plate full of glasses above his head. While moving out of his way, I bumped pretty hard into someone on my left.
"Apologies!" I yelled, trying to make myself heard above the music while turning my head to see if the person was hurting. And then I looked straight into the eyes of my ex-boyfriend from ten years ago.
"Oh, wow, hi Leo," I said, feeling myself get flushed, "I'm sorry, are you okay?"
"Sarah," he answered, surprised. "How are you? What are you doing here?"
We were literally being smushed together so I smelled him and to my surprise, his smell still turned me on.
We had been together for two or three years while in college. It had been my first serious relationship and it was pretty amazing. He was kind, funny, smart, original, creative. We fit well together and shared so many good times. But somewhere between me going away on an Erasmus exchange and him doing an internship abroad, I started to have doubts about the relationship.
I was in my final year of college and I think it was our sixth month of doing long-distance. I had some other explanations back then about why we didn't work anymore, but looking back, I think I had just gotten too horny.
I was working in a bar on the weekends and had to turn down flirting men every week. I felt like I was wasting my final year of being in college for a future with Leo that I wasn't even sure I wanted.
On New Year's Eve, Leo was back in the country, but he preferred to spend the evening with his hometown friends instead of with me. That night I cheated on him for the first time. My now-husband was at the same party that I was and we kissed and danced until the sun came up.
I continued cheating on Leo for over a month before breaking things off, citing other problems we've had, but never mentioning what I had done. We broke up over Google Meets, but when he returned from his internship a month later, we met again in person to talk and he agreed with me that it had probably been for the best.
We stayed friendly, although not really close. Because of the cheating, that I never told him about, I always felt a slight sense of guilt when talking to him. It made me nervous. After some years had passed and I had forgotten about the fictitious reasons to dump him, I realized that I still fancied him. I never mentioned this to my husband. There was no need, especially after Leo moved away to the capital. He and I didn't run into each other anymore and we only liked each other's posts on Instagram.
I realised Leo had asked me a question. So I got over my initial confusion of being turned on by his smell combined with the familiar guilt to reply in a normal manner, "Oh, I'm great, just living life. How are you?"
"I'm good as well, working mostly, the freelancer life, you know," he replied.
An empty space opened up in front of us. I slipped in and got the attention of the bartender I had been eyeing. "For me a glass of rum on the rocks and a beer, please," I ordered. Then I asked Leo, "Do you want me to order for you as well?"
"Why yes, six beers please."
"And six more beers, thanks," I added, happy that I was able to do something to distract from my uneasiness.
When our order arrived, Leo smiled, "Still drinking that rum, I see."
I grinned. It used to be my preferred drink when going out. And then I got an unwelcome flashback to that one time I had blindfolded Leo in bed, dipped rum on my nipples and made him lick it off me. He liked rum as well.
I passed him the beers, he gave me cash and we moved away from the bar. He was clearing the way for me through the crowd.
"I'm sitting outside with Marie, you remember her," I said when we had reached the stairs.
