As I drove through town towards Angela's apartment, Robin and I discussed her plan to confront her best friend of ten years. Snow steadily fell from the sky and I had the heat on full. Robin still wore her thin turquoise dress from the night before, so it was a challenge to keep her warm. The roads were slick with ice that had formed overnight, so I drove slowly, which gave us even more time to formulate her plan.
Forgiveness is a funny thing.
Robin really wanted to forgive Angela. One thing that was very true about Robin since I had first met her was that she really didn't like negative emotions. She was a hot fiery redhead. She was quick to anger but she didn't like it. She always regretted it afterward.
So, in forgiving Angela, Robin would be able to let go of her own negative emotions. In reality for most people, but especially for Robin, forgiveness is a selfish act. It's done to make her feel better.
Now, I forgive my mother no matter what she says and, God knows, she never apologizes. Robin was different. For her to truly forgive Angela and really let it go, she needed Angela to express regret and exhibit a true act of contrition. Angela fulfilled Robin's requirements for forgiveness by texting her how sorry she was and then setting up the party we enjoyed so much the previous evening.
I parked in the parking garage of the complex and we both went up to the apartment, her code still working on the front door. I offered to stay behind but Robin insisted I accompany her. So, it was with mixed emotions that I stood behind her as she knocked on the door.
The door swung open quickly to reveal Angela. Her long blond hair was damp and she wore only a thin pink robe. She flashed us a really big smile, glad to see Robin at her door.
Robin asked calmly, "Can we come in?"
Angela tried to suppress her excitement as she said, "Yes, of course, please come in."
Robin walked into the apartment she used to share with Angela and sat down on the familiar living room couch. Angela took the cue and sat down beside her. I closed the door behind us and sat behind Robin in a chair, feeling awkward.
Angela said softly and sincerely, "Robin, I was stupid and selfish. I am so sorry."
Robin nodded. "I got your text."
"Was 240 Union good?" Angela asked, undisguised hope on her face.
Robin nodded again, "Yes, it was delicious."
"Great. And did everyone show up at The Burnsley?" Angela asked.
"Yes, the hotel was awesome. I was really surprised that you did that for us and, yes, everyone showed up," Robin said, not really knowing who had been invited but not wanting to quibble over small stuff.
"Great," Angela said with a sigh of relief.
"Look," Robin said calmly, "Angela, I know that cost you a lot of your savings. I don't want you to spend all your money on me. I'm not mad at you anymore. I forgive you."
Angela's eyes went wide with surprise. "Really?" she asked, tears forming in her eyes.
Robin nodded. "I don't like being angry with you. I'm so glad you admit that you were wrong. You've shown me that you really do regret what you did. That's why I can forgive you."
Angela smiled, relief written all over her face, and said, "I can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say that." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "So, you're moving back in, yes?"
I couldn't see the expression on Robin's face but I knew it wasn't good because I saw the concern on Angela's face. Robin said, "No, of course not."
"Why not? You've forgiven me," Angela said, confused.
"Why not? You have royally fucked me over for the last ten years. Angela, I don't want you in my life anymore," Robin said irritated at having to state the obvious. "We're just here to let you know that I'm not going to waste any more time being mad at you and you can stop spending money on me. And, of course, we're here to pick up the rest of my stuff."
Angela was stunned.
Forgiveness and trust are two very different things.
To forgive someone was one thing. But to let that person back into your life and trust that she would not repeat the behavior was something else entirely. That was the big leap and was always a truly risky act.
I did it for Robin. I was in love. I forgave her for testing me and gave her my trust again. But, what Angela did to Robin was bigger than anything Robin had done to me. I did not really believe that Robin would ever trust Angela again. I mean, the Pope forgave the man who shot him and even made him cry, but he didn't put a gun in the guy's hand and let him try again.
The previous day, I had repeatedly asked Robin if she was ready to forgive Angela. I knew that the only way she could get past it and move on was to be able to forgive her childhood friend. To hold a grudge really hurts the person holding the grudge. Eventually the target moves on but the grudge-holder can remain a prisoner of that pain and anger for years.
I was in a new relationship with Robin and I didn't want her spending all of her time fretting over what Angela had done to her. That was my selfishness. I rationalized my actions by telling myself that I was just trying to push Robin to do what was best for her own well-being. Now, just because it was my own selfish rationalization didn't mean that it wasn't actually true.
Angela cried.
I never liked to see a woman cry. I did feel pity for her. I didn't think that Robin should trust her; on the contrary, I thought she was doing the right thing. I just hated to see any woman crying, even if she did deserve it. I instinctively wanted to go to Angela and comfort her, but I couldn't think of any good way for that to turn out, so I stayed where I was.
Robin stood up and walked to her bedroom. I followed quickly behind her and we began putting all of her stuff into boxes. The apartment was furnished so we didn't have to worry about moving furniture, thank goodness. My corvette has almost negative cargo space but Robin's SUV, still in the parking garage, could comfortably hold all of her belongings.
I made three round trips down to the parking garage while Robin packed the boxes. Angela cried on the couch during the first two trips but she had started to collect herself by the third. It was awkward.
Robin packed the last two boxes and looked around the room one last time. She sighed.
"You okay?" I asked her.