Deep Inside I'm Smiling

Sometimes I lose my place and I have to look in the mirror at what I have become. I stare at myself, a stranger that took a wrong turn down the wrong road, long ago. I have no idea why I kept going, why I let them all use me the way they wanted to use something.

I know I wasn't a person to them, just a warm body with three open holes for the taking. They lined up, waiting their turn to sink their cocks into me and I let it happen. I could tell myself that I needed the money, but I know that I could have gotten by without it.

Now, I'm standing in my bathroom, dressed to kill as I put the finishing touches on my makeup. The nagging whispers of my past have followed me into this moment. I stare at myself in the mirror, knowing that I could have avoided all of this if I had only listened to my mother and all the other women that told me I was demeaning myself.

"I'm not demeaning myself," my own voice echoes in my head, my excuses transparent and meaningless. I wanted this. I opened my legs for this.

"Do you believe in God?" my mother's voice rings out inside of my brain and I realize that I do believe in God and I know that I have sinned so much that God probably won't forgive me. I was supposed to find a husband and have a nice family but all I have found is a perversion and self-hatred that runs so deep that I can't find the source anymore. Maybe I've forgotten how to be a woman, how to hold my head high and my legs closed. I've forgotten all the power that women have fought so long for, giving in to the madness of their cocks.

I hope somehow that God will forgive me for what I am about to do. It's the same thing I do every Wednesday night. I will drive an hour to the hotel and I will take off the dress and heels I'm wearing to reveal that I didn't bother wearing underwear underneath. I will fish my bag of condoms from my purse and the large, industrial jug of lube as well.

"Who's first tonight?" I will ask, eager to get started. I'm so fucking horny, which is why I need so many cocks to satisfy me. The first cock is always the hardest because my pussy is tight and not opened up yet. By the time I get to the fifth guy I'm enjoying myself, cumming on their cocks without a care in the world.

Gangbangs are the only time in my life when I feel free when I can truly let go and show my true self. I am greedy, sucking, and fucking their cocks like this is my last chance. We are promised nothing by God and tomorrow could be the last day of my life. I want all the cocks inside of me while I'm still alive. I want them fucking my face and using me like the piece of shit slut that I am. I hear my grunts and moans as they use me, now stuffing a cock in my ass and another in my pussy. There's a cock in my face and I suck it, using the skills that I have developed over time to get what I need from these men.

I need to be objectified. I need to be used and stripped of my worth. I need to be their set of holes and I love the moments that I am. In those moments I do not have to think. I can truly exist in the moment and I can live my life the way that I want to live it. I love to cum, just like men do. I am driven by sex, just like they are. I know I'm not like most women but it doesn't matter anymore. I've spent a lifetime trying to be like they are and it never worked. It's better just to give in. It's better just to let them all have what they want because it's what I want too. I'm not supposed to want it, but I do.

"What about feminism?" I hear my sister's voice in my head. "Don't you think what you're doing goes against everything women have worked for."

I think about this, knowing that whatever I say, it will be the wrong thing, just like I'm the wrong person for feminism. I believe women should be able to choose what they want. I want to be used by throngs of men. I want my body ravaged as I scream and beg for mercy. I don't want them to stop. I don't want them to listen and to respect me. I want them to tear me apart, killing me slowly with the incessant pounding of their cocks in every one of my used-up holes.

"I'm a feminist," I tell my sister, even though she's not here and she can't hear me. "Yeah...I'm all about women being whatever they want to be."

I just want to be a whore.

I want men to pay for me so they know it's okay to fuck me as hard as they want. I want them to feel entitled to shove their cocks as deep into my ass as they need to. I want to be the set of holes that makes them cum and I want them to know that it's okay to take as much as they need from me. I want them to get off on my sluttiness, on my eagerness to please their big, fat dicks.

It doesn't matter which guys fuck me. It doesn't matter what they look like or how many of them there are. Their ethnicity is irrelevant to me and the same thing goes for their cock size. I can cum on any sized cock but the truth is it isn't really about me. I want to get their cocks off. I want to be the slut that they fuck as hard as they want to. I want to be the punching bag that they've never had, the one they can use, and fuck the way their wives won't allow.

I'll do all the things their wives won't or can't. I'll do them happily but I will never reveal to these men how happy I truly am when they are battering my bruised, little holes. I love the way they comment to one another how I'm the best fuck they've ever had and how worth every penny my body is to them.

I always fuck them for hours at a time, taking breaks only to piss or take a quick sip of water. I know that they paid good money to use me and I don't want to let them down. I want them to get every penny's worth out of my pussy, ass, and mouth.

"You're a slut!" the cold words of my ex-boyfriend fill my senses. I look more closely at myself, my makeup flawless and my dress lowcut. I look crazed in a way that only sex addicts can truly appreciate. I know it is only a matter of time now. I will go downstairs and get in my luxury sedan, my purse filled with condoms. I will drive the speed limit as I take the little red pills that give me enough energy to get through the next five hours.

For five whole hours, I will become my true self. I will suck and fuck every cock at the party and I will collect my money at the end in cash. It isn't much, but a girl like me doesn't need much. It was never about the money. Well, not really. I like that they pay for me. Men that pay to fuck me are always rougher and more aggressive. The money simply feeds my addiction further, giving me a reason to keep going besides the obvious reason; that I'm just a whore.

I will bend over and spread my ass cheeks open so they can shove their cocks into my ass. I will take it, no matter how much it hurts. I like the pain because it reminds me that I am alive. It reminds me of my place, which is somehow underneath the pile of men who all clamber for their turn inside of me. I live for all of their cocks, forgetting all about God, feminism, and even capitalism. Yes, I know that something is wrong with me. I'm not supposed to like this, but I do. I love it. I live for it.

I give myself a nasty, little smile in the mirror before turning on my heel to grab my purse. I check to make sure that my condoms and lube are in place before I walk slowly to my car. I feel the nervousness building as I get closer to my destination. I park in the same spot I parked in the week before and make my way to the hotel suite.

"Hey! Our favorite girl is here," John, the party organizer says. He leans in, "I want to cum in your ass in the bathroom later," he whispers.

"Of course, John," I smile at him, knowing he is going to brutalize me. He usually fucks me after most of the other guys have gone home. I'm sure my ass is going to be very sore before that happens and the thought makes my pussy tingle a little bit. I love the way John brutalizes me.

"She's here!" one of the guys calls to me.

"Hi, there!" I call back.

"We've got a spot for you up here on this bed," he pats the bed to show me.

"On my way!" I make my way up the stairs to the loft portion of the suite and set my condoms and lube out next to the bed.

"I'm first!" one of the guys jumps up on the bed and before I know it, his cock is inside of me. Another cock fills my mouth and my hands find another two cocks to stroke. Before long, the guy fucking me has cum and they all shift so more cocks can get into me.

They discovered that I love double penetration several months ago and since then, both of my holes have been getting quite a workout. I know it's strange but the harder they use my holes the harder I cum on their cocks. Maybe I should feel guilty but I don't. I feel lucky. I know not every woman can cum as hard as I do. Maybe that's why I'm a whore and they aren't. Maybe that's why I can't seem to stop myself from coming here every week to get my holes ruined.

I feel so strange as I cum on their cocks, remembering how I felt earlier like a stranger to myself. I realize that I only feel that way when I am alone and thinking of the judgments of others. Now that I am in my element, filled with dicks and covered in cum I know exactly who I am. I am not a stranger at all. I know myself all too well. This isn't what I wanted to be when I grew up and it's not what my family wanted for me, but this is who I am.

I'm a slut that loves to fuck. I'm a whore that needs to be used and abused. I'm a woman that loves to be put in her place and made to do whatever men want. I'm a whipping post for cocks and it doesn't matter to me that I'm being used or paid for. I would do all of this for free. This is who I am; a believer in God, feminist, and slut. Maybe I can be everything all at once. It certainly seems so as John pulls me into the bathroom.

"Brace yourself, babe," he warns me and I grip the sides of the sink as I let him pull my ass cheeks open and sink into my raw flesh. He always insists that everyone else wear condoms during play, but here in the bathroom, he fucks me bareback, roughly shoving his huge dick deep into my ass.

I grunt as his cock fills my ass and he begins to move, talking shit to me as he fucks me.

"You piece of shit whore! Take my cock! Take it! That's right. Yeah, don't run from me. Stick your asshole out for me to use. You're my whore to use. Right baby?"

He's really pounding me and my legs are buckling underneath me. I hold onto the sides of the sink, trying my best not to fall. John is really hammering my asshole, which is so fucking sore already from all the men who already fucked it. Tears fill my eyes and he sees them in my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I feel his cock becoming harder as he realizes he's hurting me. He likes hurting me. I can see it in my eyes.

"Say you're my whore!" he commands me, grabbing my hair and pulling.

"I'm your whore!" I scream.

"That's right you are!" He lets go of my hair and I fall forward into the sink. This also turns him on and I can hear him groaning. His cum is deep in my asshole.

"Wow, that was crazy," I say.

"You were good, baby. Listen, can you let my friend Jay fuck you bareback in the ass too?"

"If you pay me extra," I say, knowing that this will just make it hotter for me.

"Sure."

"Stay here then. Let me grab him." John opens the door and there is a bunch of people right outside who had been listening in. Jay steps into the bathroom and John gives us a quick introduction.

"You can fuck her ass as hard as you want and she just takes it, don't you honey?"

"Yes, I do," I agree. I get into position over the sink and watch as Jay fumbles with his cock until he gets it into my asshole. He doesn't seem to have much experience with anal but I try my best to be patient. He pumps his cock faster and realizes that I'm used to getting my asshole used, probably quite unlike his wives or girlfriends.

"Fuck, you're fun to fuck!" he praises me and I smile nastily at him in the mirror. His cock continues to grow and I'm enjoying that I'm letting a strange man bareback me in the ass. It feels deliciously slutty and I know that he is appreciating it. He almost cums but slows down to prolong the moment. I let him use me, taking his dick for as long as he needs to get off. I reach down and rub my pussy, trying my best to cum hard myself before it's all over.

"Damn, your ass is tight for a whore."

"Thanks," I say and that's when he blows his load deep in my ass.

"Hey, it's time for the party to end and everyone needs to go home!" John screams at us.

"Okay, we're done!" Jay calls and then turns to me. "Thank you, that was hot."

"Yeah, it was. Thanks for the dick." We walk out and John subtly hands me a wad of cash for my participation. I make my way back to my car, my holes sore and burning from all the fucking. I count my money and decide how to spend it as I drive home. There is a sad feeling of loss as I drive home and I wonder why I always feel so empty when it's over.

When I'm stuffed with cocks, I feel so alive but when the party is over, I feel like a deflated beach ball, just waiting to be filled up again. I realize I need all those cocks to feel full and happy. I rely on them to give me meaning and worth in this life. Deep inside I'm smiling. My pussy and ass are feeling used and satisfied. I brought pleasure to so many men and this is the part that really gets me off and makes me happy. I just want to be of service, to give my body to men because I know how horny they are. I'm just as horny as they are and so it makes sense that I should give the horniest ones my holes to use. I need them just as much as they need me.