Decisions

Chapter 4: Losing Emily and Then Surprises

I'd been coming back from an evening of debauchery, relishing in that 'fucked out' feeling. Kim, one of the insatiable women I'd been fucking was clutching my arm and kissing me as we got the elevator at my hotel. As I looked out in the lobby I saw Emily -- just as the elevator doors shut. She saw me -- and Kim - too.

Emily!

What was she doing in Kansas City? She should be in New York not here.

I rode the elevator up cursing myself for my weaknesses, my stupidity, my infidelity, my crazy philosophy about love and relationships, and ... well just for being me. I think I kept repeating "Oh shit" over and over again. Even Kim looked worried that I'd screwed up part of my life. I aimed Kim at my room and took the elevator back to the lobby.

I explored my head as the elevator descended; I'd only seen her for perhaps five seconds. Was it really she or a look alike? No, it was she. She was reacting to seeing Kim and me. Her facial expression changed. She was shocked at me -- us. 'Oh shit' I thought again. I thought, 'I've lost the love of my life.' I was almost in tears.

I raced over to the reception desk and asked the clerk, "There was a young woman, my age, blue dress, in the lobby over there -- by the lounge -- until about two minutes ago. Did you see her? Is she staying here?"

The young man looked skeptically at me and replied, "I'm sorry sir. I wasn't paying attention to the lobby. What was your friends name?"

"Emily. Emily Trent," I stated firmly to him.

He checked his computer; "I'm sorry sir, I have no one by that name with us tonight."

I turned and ran through the doors out to where the valet and taxi stand was. A taxi was just leaving the hotel grounds. I practically assaulted the valet, a young guy in a bright red uniform and hat. "Did a girl in a blue dress just leave in that cab ... or a car? Was that her?" I gestured towards the now long-gone cab.

"Yea. Yea it was," he said. "I didn't hear what she told the cab driver. She was crying; I did notice that."

I turned and walked in some tight circles trying to figure what to do next or what to say if she ever let me talk to her again. I pulled my cell phone out and tried to call her but she wasn't answering. I didn't leave a message because I couldn't figure out what to say. I didn't even know if her phone was working.

I went back in to the hotel and went up to my room. I knocked and Kim let me in. I went in and flopped in one of the chairs in the room.

"I think I just lost the woman of my dreams," I said. Kim came and stood behind me rubbing my shoulders. I ranted and raved. I cursed my stupidity for getting involved with Grace and Kim and thus what happened only minutes earlier. I wondered what Emily was doing in Kansas City, and how she had found me; I wasn't hiding where I went but I couldn't remember telling her.

I turned to Kim, "What should I do? What could I say that would make this right? Do you think I'll ever get her back?"

Kim asked, "Are you sure you really want this woman? That she's 'the one'?"

"I'm sure! I mean we've only been going out for a few weeks. We were getting to know each other and everything seemed so perfect." I paused and added; "Now I've fucked it up. I don't know where we would have ended up."

"And you didn't know she was here?" Kim asked trying to catch up with the situation.

"No. I don't know why she's in Kansas City. She's in advertising but I didn't know she traveled."

"David," Kim said, "Tell me why you're dating Grace and me? I mean beside the obvious. Sex, I mean."

I looked back at her for a minute thinking how to pose the answer. "Kim, I really like Grace and you. A lot. But it hasn't felt right from the start. Grace is my client. I just don't know how to say ... 'not now' to her ... or you. I've been letting my dick lead me around. It has been great but I keep feeling I shouldn't be doing this since I'm in the process of falling in love with Emily. If she knew, it would be different -- all different."

I paused and Kim came and sat on the bed in front of me. I went on, "I have this philosophy about personal growth. I tried to explain it to Emily a week or so ago too. It has its roots in a philosophy about open marriage. Simply stated, you can have your primary partner but you can have other partners too. The relationships should be based on love, communication, sharing, and care about each other's growth. I guess I wasn't thinking much about Emily's growth and I certainly wasn't communicating any of what was going on here with her."

I thought for a moment and then groaned, "Oh fuck. And then there's Pam."

Kim nodded; "You told Grace about her and she mentioned her to me."

"Well, I care about her. I could have even gotten serious about her but she didn't seem to want that. At least that's what she told me. Then she like went crazy on me Monday when she found out about Emily and that I was getting serious about her. I didn't get it at all. Oooooh," I groaned, "I have fucked up my life so badly."

Kim came and put her arm around me. I accepted the move as more sisterly than anything. "Don't worry," she told me, "we'll find a way through this. You'll find a way through this. Let's just think for a while about how to calm the situation down. For one, Emily probably doesn't even know about Grace. All she knows is that we were acting affectionate as we walked in from the cars and got on the elevator."

"Sounds pretty bad if you ask me," I volunteered in a glum voice.

"I won't recommend that you lie to her but you may want to hold back a little," Kim said.

"I may never even get to talk to her ever again," I said. "She looked shocked to see me -- to see us. I just read so much into those seconds when I saw her looking at us. Our relationship is toast. She wouldn't answer her cell phone when I called. She's pissed."

Kim patted the space beside her on the bed and I sat beside her. I let her comfort me but every pore of my body felt miserable. She pulled some pillows down the bed and we just put our heads on them and closed our eyes.

I kept waking up and I guess I kept waking Kim too. In the morning I got up feeling like a very large truck had hit me. Mentally I was just a wreck. My brain kept racing at solutions to the Emily problem that just weren't there. I left Kim dozing on the bed and went and took a shower. I apologized to her for not being up for a morning 'session'. She blew it off and urged me to concentrate on figuring out how to solve my more immediate problem with Emily.

I tried to call her again and this time left a message pleading with her to call me. I shuffled off to work.

By mid-morning, some of the other consultants on the project had arrived from New York. Russ was there along with four others. I spent time going over the project with them then took them around the building and introduced them to the others that were forming the two project teams. We went to Grace's office last; she had just returned from her staff meeting. She greeted us all warmly and then we started to leave.

"David," Grace asked nicely, "Could you spare a moment? I have a couple of questions." I motioned for the others to go on back to our assigned office space and then turned to face her.

When everyone was out of earshot Grace said, "Kim called and told me what happened last night -- with Emily. I am so sorry, so very sorry this happened. I feel very much to blame. I know you are feeling terrible right now and if there's any way I can help, please let me know."

I just nodded. I couldn't even think of anything to say to her. There was an awkward silence in the room then I just turned and walked back to my office and the rest of the day's work.

I tried Emily's cell phone again about five o'clock, but still didn't get an answer. Caller ID would alert her that it was me calling and she'd also know she'd missed a call from me even though I didn't leave a message.

About five-thirty I folded up my work and went back to the hotel. I was emotionally drained and now guilty because I hadn't accomplished too much all day. I flopped down on the bed and just lay there staring at the ceiling.

I tried to analyze my feelings and emotions. I was sad I'd shocked Emily. The scene she'd seen last night would have left no doubt in her mind that I was affectionate to and in some sort of intimate relationship with Kim. It had to do with where we had our hands, our arms, and how we kissed. I was resigned that I'd lost her and would have to keep searching the world for the perfect woman. I would miss the love I felt from her. I would miss the feel of her skin as we pressed our bodies together. The dreams I'd started building would have to be put on ice until a new 'someone' came along if there was ever going to be a new 'someone'. I grieved over the loss of our potential long, long-term relationship. I shifted into being angry with myself, particularly for my weakness in dealing with Grace that first night; I should have said 'No'. Then again, I did feel grateful for the fantastic sex we'd shared and for Grace's introduction of Kim into our sexual games. But if I'd lost Emily did I have to stop that. Maybe one of them was the perfect woman for me but I just hadn't realized it yet. Oh shit! Decisions; decisions.

As I paced the room, I realized that if I ever got to talk to Emily again I would have had to tell her about Grace and Kim sometime soon, just to clear the air. The little story I'd made up a mere twenty-four hours earlier about compartmentalizing my relationships based on how I felt romantically about the women at that moment just was ludicrous today. If I saw her again, I would have had to tell her about Pam too. I felt fortunate that my field of play at this point in time was as limited as it was; a few years earlier I was dating even more women at the same time, but then I wasn't serious about any of them.

I put on my running clothes and went down and started running along Brush Creek. I wanted to torture myself and see if I could cleanse any of my rapidly accumulating demons. I had an interesting line of thinking as I ran; it focused on my philosophy of life and relationships, and challenged some of the points given the situation and how I felt about Emily.

I started with the supposition that Emily and I were married. How would I have handled the advance that first night by Grace? I decided I would have postponed until Emily and I could have talked. I think Grace would have accepted that. We could have at least done a 'Clinton' and limited the extent to which we got physically involved that stormy night.

I asked myself if there was any benefit to a hypothetical 'us' from my relationship with Grace -- and by extension, Kim? I decided there could have been several depending on how things played out. Grace could influence my career with McKennitt; she was still an ally and willing to help me. I knew if things were to go well in KC that I'd be promoted to partner; and that'd be more money and perquisites too. If there were an 'us' -- Emily and me -- that'd work in our favor. A friendship might have developed between Emily and the other two women but I was uncertain about what that might look like if it had happened. There were always networking opportunities; Grace was high up in her company.

I was hot, sweaty and morose by the time I walked off the run and came back in the hotel. I went to my room, showered and stretched out on the bed. I hadn't gotten but a couple of hours sleep the night before and so I fell asleep. I awoke about two in the morning and paced around the room some more, thinking about Emily, Pam, Grace and Kim. I wondered if it was time to make a decision. Perhaps in Emily's case it was too late. What about Pam? Did she now want to be serious? Should I hang in there with Grace and Kim now that I'd blown the whole thing with Emily? Decisions. I was frozen in time and couldn't decide anything. I lay down and fell asleep again.

The next morning Grace stopped by my office; "You feeling any better?"

"No," I replied in a quiet monotone. "I don't know what to do? Whether there's anything I can do? I wish I could rescue the situation -- to back it up a couple of days and be able to replay it with some other outcome."

"Do you love Emily?" Grace asked.

"Yes. No doubt about it. I think she's the woman I want to be with for the rest of my life," I replied.

"Welllllllllll," Grace said, "don't make any plans for tonight." With that cryptic comment she turned and left my office. The way she made her comment I doubted there was any kind of sexual overtone to it. Perhaps we'd have some sort of talk and she could help me think of ways to woo Emily back to my arms.

I called Emily again on her cell but there was never an answer. I'd now left about a dozen messages at various times of the day and night. I wasn't even sure if her phone was working. Maybe I'd have to wait until the weekend; I'd take a huge bouquet of flowers to her apartment and see if the concierge would let me see her.

I went through Thursday's work on autopilot. I knew I wasn't being very efficient and I doubted I was effective either. I did mostly administrative stuff that was sort of mindless. My mind was racing with alternatives and scenarios for getting to see Emily. I didn't want to stalk her but I did want to see her; was there a balance there?

I spent a little time with Russ explaining some aspects of the project to him. He asked what was wrong and I just told him 'girlfriend problems.' He nodded and asked, "Emily?" I nodded and for now that was the end of that.

At five-thirty Grace stuck her head in my office door. She had a coy smile on her face. "My house at seven o'clock. You should most definitely be there. Eat before you come; I don't have much food. Casual." She turned and left before I could even acknowledge I heard her instructions.

I packed up a few things in my briefcase and headed back to my hotel. I changed and grabbed a sandwich in the lounge then drove to Grace's in my rental car. I pulled up to the house, parked and walked up to the door. I knocked.

Emily opened the door. My heart stopped!

I know I stood there on the stoop with my mouth hanging open for at least a full minute. My brain went dead again and was just failing to compute what was right in front of me.

Finally, she said, "Hello, David," in a soft voice that didn't betray any anger but it also didn't acknowledge any affection either, the way it would have a week earlier.

I finally said, "Hi Emily." I paused and said, "I guess we need to talk, huh?" She nodded and reached for my hand and pulled me inside.

Grace came from the kitchen with a glass of wine for me. She gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek and whispered to me, "Just tell her what you told me this morning." I nodded.

Kim came from the living room carrying her wine glass. She kissed me on the cheek too. It was hard to ignore her since she was wearing short shorts and a tube top that did little to hide her copious breasts. Her long sexy legs were definitely one of her assets as well. She was barefoot and reeked of sexual energy.

Kim and Grace disappear toward the kitchen -- both smiling. Emily and I went into the living room.

"Those two women think a lot of you, you know?" Emily said encouragingly.

I nodded. "I like them too." I sighed, "I guess things got a little deep, a little too fast down here over the past weeks. I suppose you know all that. How'd you connect with them?"

Emily said, "Kim got my number off your cell phone after you'd seen me in the lobby. She called the next day after you left for work and left me a message explaining whom she was and that she thought we should meet. She was persuasive. We met at lunch that yesterday, then last night and again over a very long lunch today."

I asked politely, "Why are you in Kansas City? This was your surprise, wasn't it -- from your phone message?"

"Yes. I have an advertising client here. Hallmark is a new customer of my company. I've been assigned to work with their marketing staff down here. This is my first week on the job. There's a colleague of mine here too. We're staying at the Westin downtown -- about three miles from your hotel."

"Wow," was all I could say. I smiled wanly at her. I was wondering if there was anything I could say to make all this all right.

There was a long silence between the two of us. We watched each other. I fell in love all over again and my heart ached.

Finally, I said, "Emily, I know this is probably a bad time to say this but I love you. I will always love you. I can't see how I can live the rest of my life without you."

Emily just sat and looked at me. Then suddenly she was in my arms and we were kissing passionately.

"I love you too," Emily blurted out. She added a moment later, "We need some ground rules. And, you know what, you'll probably be surprised at where we end up with all this. For right now though, please just hold me for a couple of minutes then we'll talk some more. This is where I wanted to be two nights ago when I came looking for you."

"How'd you know my hotel?" I asked as she came into my arms.

"Pam told me," she told me with a grin. "I saw her in the ladies room on Monday and asked her where you usually stayed in Kansas City. I didn't tell her I was coming here. It was just small talk."

Emily paused and then went on, "I could tell she was in love with you the moment you introduced us. I'm guessing that you two had a 'thing' going on too. She had that look."

I asked suspiciously, "Is there anything about me you don't know?" I paused, "Or want to know? I don't want to hide anything from you."

Emily said, "Yeah, I got a lot of details from Grace and Kim. I like them -- a lot. I don't want to hide anything from you eit ..."

"And you're not going to hit me with a vase or something?" I interrupted. "You were really shocked when you saw me with Kim." I kept holding Emily and looking into her lovely face. I stroked her hair as we talked. She had beautiful, natural hair and it was so soft.

Emily added, "Well, no; and yes I was sort of shocked -- just to even see you and with someone. I'd been waiting almost two hours. I ran back to my hotel figuring I should let you be with the woman that turned out to be Kim. I was more surprised than shocked and to be frank about it, there are some things you should know too -- about me."

I looked truly puzzled now.

Emily pulled away from me a little. She said, "This is kind of awkward for me actually. You see, Russ and I have been, ummm, errrr, you might say 'friends with benefits' for the past year. Even when we've been going out with someone else we occasionally get together. And, well, over the past couple of weeks we didn't make any exceptions to that practice."

I know I heard what she said. My brain processed her words about six times and I kept getting the same conclusion. Finally, I said, "Oh!" I couldn't think of anything to add to that profound comment.

We sat in silence looking at each other then I began to laugh. It started as a chuckle deep inside me that I tried to suppress given what I thought was the severity of the situation. Then I had a little snicker that slipped out; I even moved my hand to my mouth hopefully to cover the event. By then I laughed out loud and then I broke into a raucous gale of unrestrained laughter.

Emily was caught up in it too. She started to laugh and eventually joined me. Apparently she also saw the humor in the situation. I was already feeling better.

Kim and Grace both stuck their heads into the living room with puzzled looks on their faces. Emily gestured for them to come in and they did. Kim sat beside me and Grace sat in a big padded contemporary chair facing the sofa.

Emily said, "What you see here are two young adults who are having troubles giving up their old ways of behaving ... and in both cases with old friends. We both still love each other and we just need some new rules so we don't embarrass each other again." She looked at me and added, "So much for surprises." I hugged her and kissed her cheek.