The Seraphim was droning on about metrics. God, they could be boring! These pep-talks were supposed to inspire. Instead, they nearly put Frank to sleep.
Like we Cherubs cared anything about conception rates or sincerity multipliers! Our job was to get them to fuck.
It had been a century since Valentine's Day was about anything but fornication. A hormone-fueled lust-fest ending in a mad dash to get laid.
Scored by total gross inseminations, which was a pretty apt name in Frank's opinion!
"Frank! What'd you draw this year?!"
Little Mariangela was almost hopping with excitement! She got into this stuff for some reason. Alway a rebel! Been that way since the Reformation, she was glad for any reason to get down there and do something.
"Detroit. Bleah."
Mariangela looked encouraging, in a false way. "Oh, that could be good? Desperation can be a powerful motivator?"
Detroit was in an economic downturn, had been for decades. A lust dead zone, normally. Tonight could be different I suppose.
She was looking at him like he was supposed to say something, almost vibrating with anticipation.
"Uh, sure. What'd you draw?"
"Hawai'i! Oh, it's going to be great! Peak season is November to March! All those college students with too much money! Retired couples looking to revive their marriage! Virgins looking to experience their first time!"
Good luck with the ol' sincerity multiplier! Probably make up for that in quantity though. Frank had to admit she had a shot.
He managed a fake smile. "Sounds like you have a chance of beating Haniel this year!"
She nodded vigorously, smiling so hard her angelic light almost gave him a sunburn. Turned to brag to another Cherub about her good fortune.
Fuckin' Haniel! He started winning back in the 1860's and never quit. For a prize he got his choice of locations the next year. Been playing that into a winning streak, the annual champion since Queen Victoria lost the 'love of her life' and started screwing footmen like a randy weasel, he fell into that one.
Since then, he chose California every year. Land of sun and beautiful women, gold diggers and gold-diggers! A slam-dunk, he didn't have to be clever to win.
Though Frank had to admit, that trick he'd used last year? Genius. At the last minute misdirecting a leather-and-chain motorcycle gang annual poker run to the regional college girls' volleyball tournament! The pent-up hormones, the suppressed lust! The number of virgin deflorations! And the girls had been excited too.
Can't go wrong with good old-fashioned fetish role-play!
Looking at Mari going on about Hawai'i with that Cherub from accounting, what was her name? She was a juicy number, have to hook up later, supposed to be easy according to Tien. Though from the looks she was giving to Mari, might not swing his way.
Tien! Not in the running, didn't care. Spent the whole of February getting drunk and bedding virgins in Saigon, the whole country of Vietnam celebrating Tet. And Cherub fucks didn't even count!
Frank wished he could be so laid-back, like Tien. Hah! Laid-back!
Why couldn't he have drawn something good this year? Like France, the French were easy, they'd fuck each other for a joke.
Or even Bulgaria! Festival of wine! Nothing like wine to drop the inhibitions. And the panties.
Anyway, the Seraphim was running down, only twenty-five slides to go. And just in time, the starting bell was starting to quiver, ready to issue the Angelic peals that started the contest!
There's St. Valentine himself, drunk in the corner, been drunk for years, he could do as he liked, this was Heaven after all! He was supposed to start the contest, strike the silver chimes with his golden staff.
A Seraphim had to do the job now, Valentine didn't have it in him anymore, something about a massacre a century ago took all the joy out of it for him. Poor sap.
Frank got a little excited, despite his melancholy mood.
It was the Cherubs' job all year to ensure a good crop of new souls, get the randy buggers to fuck and cum in each other and beget brats for the Heavenly Host to convert. Like they needed any encouragement - the place was busting at the seams!
But Valentine's Day was a special event, a twenty-four-hour festival of pricks and cunts and oh yeah romantic love was in there somewhere.
Second only to wedding season for conceptions, but that's spread out over several weeks in June. Easy-Peasy, virgin brides and randy bridesmaids, anniversary parties and booze, getting good numbers was a slam-dunk!
No, this was the end-of-the-year rush to pump the numbers, try to beat the clock and finish with a bang! Then the slate got wiped clean, they had two weeks while the scores were tallied and the souls accounted, then started out fresh on March 1st.
Frankly exhausting.
The Seraphim with the whammer-thingy was looking at his hourglass, here's the windup and Chime!!!! We were off.
The guy at the podium looked up with a start, twelve slides to go, panic'd!
"So um do your best folks! Make the Heavenly Host proud! Go out there and get those souls invested!"
Nobody was listened, the entire hall was emptying, little fluttery wings making a whirlwind as each shot off to their assigned location. Leaving a sad snowstorm of printouts and discarded programs drifting across the ivory floor.
Frank took his time, not straining any flight muscles, heaved himself into the air and pretty much glided down toward the black hole that was his post this year.
The town looked bleak from the air. Municipal cutbacks, the streetlights were off in large areas, abandoned, supposedly urban renewal but just moldering away, no life but rats and junkies there.
He aimed for a town center, lights still on and people still moving around. Some activity on a commercial strip, but from long experience Frank knew lovers preferred a little privacy.
A couple in the park, that was the ticket. Birds and flowers, she's holding a frilly gift box of chocolates. A minor cantrip would do the trick.
Frank loaded a tiny brass arrow, let fly. Missed. Getting too old for this shit.