My roommate freshman year was crazy.
Certifiable.
Cray-cray.
To be fair, we were all a bit troubled - we were the "conditional admission" gang.
Each year the college would fill a couple of admission slots with applicants who didn't "fit the mold." These students were allowed to start college a "conditional" basis - the condition being that they had to earn a "B" average at the end of the first semester to earn "permanent" admission.
I was one of those kids.
My grades in high school were lousy, but my SAT scores were great, so I didn't fit the mold
To say that my freshman year roommate Danny didn't "fit the mold" was an understatement. It was more like he had taken the mold, broken it into bits, and then eaten the pieces. His parents had buckets of money, though, and that might have been a deciding factor.
Danny might not have been a dedicated student, but was definitely entrepreneurial and entertaining.
The first week on campus he made some connections in town, and before orientation was over he was dealing weed out of our room and throwing parties with the profits.
At his first keg party he got totally smashed, put on his expensive ski gear, and tried to ski down the dorm stairs. The first six feet went well as we all drunkenly cheered him on - "Dan-ee, Dan-ee, Dan-ee!"
Then he hit the bottom landing and collapsed in a tangled pile. We all grimaced in sympathy, let out a collective "Ooooooooo" and went back to drinking. His skis were ruined, so he told his parents they had been stolen. They bought him new ones and filed a complaint with the school about poor security in their son's dorm.
Yet despite his craziness - or maybe because of it - women on campus flocked to him. He quickly attached himself to a cute blonde from West Virginia, Shelby, and before the end of the first month I was being regularly kicked out of "our" dorm room so the two of them could go at it.
I'd come back to the dorm after putting in a late shift at my off-campus job and find a sock on the locked door handle, and a pillow and blanket on the hall floor. This, of course, was the universal sign that said "Your roommate is getting laid tonight and you are sleeping elsewhere."
At first this an inconvenience. I'd wander the dorm knocking on doors carrying my blanket, like a homeless guy - err, sorry, unhoused person - and beg for a spare bed or few feet of floor space. One night I slept in the tub in the bathroom down the hall, which was uncomfortable.
By mid-terms in November, though, this was more than annoying - my grades were sliding. I had been admitted to school by the skin of my teeth, and knew if I didn't pull my weight grade-wise I'd have to come up with other options quick. Flipping burgers or something. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but that year minimum wage was $3.35 an hour.
I decided I would fight back. It was my room too, I told myself - the better to prepare for the fight.
I had a big test that week, which seemed like the perfect time to take a stand, so I planned carefully. I got the night off from my job, and made sure I was back in the room in the early afternoon to stake out my rightful place.
Danny and Shelby showed up around 7. He seemed startled to see me at my small desk, hunkered over my books and notes, next to the cheap desk lamp.
"Hey, uhh, so you aren't working tonight?" he asked - a slight bit of annoyance in his voice.
"No, I really need to cram for this Econ mid-term, and have hours of stuff to read" I replied.
"Yeah, I hear ya'. Wouldn't the library be better, though? I mean, that way we wouldn't both you?"
"No bother - this is much better, all my notes and papers are here."
"Yeah, OK" was all he said.
The two of them settled into his bed, the lower of the double-bunk bed that we shared.
I had never seen him crack a book, and tonight was no different. They made a little nest with the pillows and blankets and began to whisper, giggle, and make out. As distracting as it was, I was determined to stand pat.
After about an hour Shelby said something I couldn't hear, and then got up to go to the bathroom down the hall.
Before the door was even closed Danny pressed his case. "Listen" he said, "I was going to have Shelby over tonight. Can you find someplace else to sleep tonight?"
"Sorry Danny, no can do. I need a good grade in Econ - all those nights sleeping on the floor, wherever I can find space - it's hurt my grades. Not tonight."
Our relationship had been declining over the previous weeks - he continued to party and deal, and I was trying to be a serious student. We got along like oil and vinegar, and now the gloves were coming off.
"Yeah, well fuck you" he said. "Shelby is staying over, you freak, and I don't care if you are here or not."
"Do what you want" I said, "but I'm not leaving."
Shelby returned, crawled back into their nest, and we all stayed like that, stalemated, for another couple of hours. They were giggling, necking, whispering - the truth was, it was pretty impossible for me to study, but I wasn't going to give in.
Around ten I finally gave up trying to study. "I'm turning in guys, goodnight." I switched off the desk lamp, peeled off my shirt, took off my sweats, leaving on my boxers, and hoisted myself up onto the top bunk, the cheap, industrial bed frame protesting and squeaking as I settled in.
The room was quiet.
Streetlight filtered into the room between the slats of the bent and twisted venetian blinds. I was almost holding my breath, wondering if I'd sleep, and then I heard Danny whisper to Shelby. "He's in bed now, take your shirt off, c'mon."
I heard the bed covers rustling, and then she tossed her shirt out onto the floor by the bed, which I could plainly see from my perch on top.
"Get this thing off, too." More rustling, and then her bra joined her shirt. Then I heard a snap, then another one, and a zipper, and another, and it was clear they were undressing almost as fast as they could, their clothes being tossed randomly overboard.
And then I heard them making out - the sounds of their lips together, their soft sighs. I heard him groan softly, and say to her "yeah, that's it, right there."
"Shhhhh" she whispered, "he'll hear us."
