This story is 100% true, only the girl's name has been changed. Enjoy!
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Four words come to mind when I think of Kassandra, stupid closet case slut.
During the summer of 2011, I was surfing dating websites looking for some pussy when I came across Kassandra. Her profile was full of bullshit about loving her family and wanting to find prince charming. It screamed "please take advantage of me" so I did.
I prefer girls who are either ugly or look like pure garbage since they are easy to fuck; Kassandra was an exception to that rule though. She had big green eyes, bleach blonde hair, and nice straight teeth. Her teeth were a huge plus since most skanks have busted grills.
We sent emails back and forth for a few weeks. I started to believe getting laid by her might be impossible. All she ever wrote about was starting a family and wanting a sweet man who loves animals. I literally lost my appetite after reading some of the crap she wrote.
Normally, I wouldn't deal with that type of clinger but I had just broken up with a plumper so I wanted a bitch with a nice body. Kassandra gladly gave me her phone number after our email relationship peaked. We set up a date during the first call. I reread her profile trying to decide how long it would take to screw her. I assumed it would take at least a month, but I wasn't sure. It became clear after reading her profile for the tenth time that I needed expert advice... Todd.
He had just returned from Korea. He traveled there to teach little bastards how to speak English. He went there for a job, but his real motivation was to seduce women overseas. It was a lucky coincidence that he had returned to America the same week I was supposed to meet Kassandra face to face.
Todd "Yep, she's not gonna fuck you on the first date. She's a four date minimum at least."
I sighed sadly. The date was scheduled, and she was too hot to ditch without a try. Besides, I always love proving Todd wrong. He figured it may take a normal guy three months. I'm not normal. I was determined to bang her on the first date.
On the day of the date, I made her drive to come see me. Bitches aren't worth the effort unless I'm sure they will fuck. The only thing I did to prepare for her was masturbate so I could focus. It's a trick learned a long time ago.
Over 90% of bitches online are not what they seem. They either weigh 40 more pounds than their pictures suggest or have some weird birth defect; so I was nervous Kassandra was going to be gruesome in person. I braced myself for the worst, but it wasn't needed. She looked great when she got out of a shitty pink PT Cruiser. A red tube top squeezed her tits together making her cleavage burst over the top. I don't remember what else she was wearing since I couldn't stop staring at her knockers.
I gave Todd $20 to go drink at the bar in case I needed the apartment to myself. After he took the money I went to meet my victim. We did introductions then climbed into my Camaro and drove to an Irish pub down the street.
The problems started five minutes after we sat down to eat. The dumb bitch waited until after we ordered drinks to tell me her family hated Irish food. I really wanted to tell her that her family should be raped for not loving good cooking.
Dustin "Want to go somewhere else instead?"
Kassandra "No, that's okay. I'll find something to eat."
Her snide tone changed my goal for the evening. My first goal was to get laid; however, it quickly changed to a new goal of making her regret ever meeting me.
During dinner, Kassandra would not shut up. It was absolutely impossible to enjoy my delicious steak when she wouldn't stop talking about her stupid family. Apparently, her daddy never taught her proper table manners. When a man is eating, shut up!
She talked about love and saving herself for marriage. The only funny thing she said was how she wanted someone under 23 years old. Guess she didn't know I was 29. Oh well, I don't mind lying about my age to get laid. The only time she stopped talking was when she was texting on her phone. It was easy to tell that she liked me a lot. I, on the other hand, was miserable and ready for the date to end.
Kassandra "What should we do next?"
Dustin "Well I'm going to the bar to watch the NBA playoffs. I would invite you but you're not old enough for the bar."
Insulting comments like that usually get a girl to end the date. However, Kassandra was too dumb to get the hint.
Kassandra "Why don't we get some beer and go to your place?"
Dustin "Sounds good, let me go to the bathroom first."
I went to the bathroom and called Todd while I took a piss.
Dustin "Dude, she wants to come back to the apartment. Could you clean it up and get out?"
Todd "Sweet, so it's going good?"
Dustin "No dude, this bitch sucks."
Todd "Well fuck her then ditch her."
I hung up then finished peeing while I planned on how to get her naked as quickly as possible.
The first hour was really boring when we got back to the apartment. I kept pounding beers while Kassandra insisted on showing me music videos on her smart phone. It pissed me off because the music sucked and her screen was small. The worst part of the situation is that she moved away anytime I got close.
Todd could tell I was incredibly frustrated when he came back home two hours later. He cracked open a beer and told dead baby jokes, since he knew that would cheer me up. Kassandra's facial expression conveyed disgust. After he finished grossing her out, he started flirting with her. Todd is so talented with bitches that she started to show her crazy side despite his nasty jokes and dirty mouth. I figured I wasn't going to get laid, so I started texting Todd secretly telling him to help me kick her out. That bastard didn't do anything I asked.
Todd "Is your mom hot and kinky?"
Kassandra "Eww, that's my mom!"
Todd "Well since you're taken I might as well go after your mom."
Kassandra "Who says I taken?"
Todd "Well if you aren't taken we should hang out some time."
Kassandra "I'm with your best friend!"
Todd "Would you fuck my best friend?"
