Coach's Cutie - Chapter 7: How Many Licks Does It Take?
This is the moment we've all been waiting for.
Maddie, our sweet, lovable, cute-as-a-button 18-year-old high school student, just flat out propositioned my 37-year-old boyfriend. And while I can tell she's trying to play it cool by putting on a brave and somewhat seductive smile, her feet are telling a much different story. It's subtle, but the way she keeps crossing and uncrossing her ankles is leading me to think she's much more nervous than she's letting on.
Greg on the other hand, isn't hiding anything, as he looks downright shell-shocked. But that's not surprising in the least. You see, my boyfriend is one of the most cautious, risk-adverse, and self-disciplined men I have ever met in my entire life. And under normal circumstances, he would never even entertain the thought of potentially throwing away his career as a high school teacher and coach, to partake in some sort of an illicit relationship with a student of his.
But as I've learned over the past month, there is nothing normal about the feelings and desires Greg has for young Madison here. Even so, it's a minor miracle we've gotten to this point.
Greg just got done explaining to the two of us, a truly elaborate and bizarre fantasy scenario involving some imaginary secret club where Greg would offer to lick the pussy of any females who wanted him to, no strings attached. And when I say bizarre, I mean it! His explanation involved a top-secret referral only screening process, a Google Sheet (which he keeps referring to as a Google Doc) used for making reservations, rules about what was and wasn't allowed, and of all things, Tootsie Roll Pops.
Which, oh shit. That gives me an idea.
Me (to Greg and Maddie, right as we're all trying to process what exactly happens next): "Hold on one sec. I'll be right back."
I have this giant bag of candy in my pantry, and I bet it has a Tootsie Roll Pop in it. It has to!
I retrieve this brown paper bag that's over half full of a completely random assortment of candy, and as I'm bringing it back into the living room, I start digging through it as I'm walking.
Greg: "What is that?"
Me (as I plop the bag down on the coffee table): "Last Halloween, a bunch of people at work had brought in all their leftover candy, and somehow I ended up being the one to take it home once everyone was done picking through it."
Me (looking up from the giant stash): "Don't judge."
I'm pushing the candy around inside the bag, but it's hard to see what's what. The good news is, most of the chocolate candy is long gone from the collection, so it's almost all sugary candy, like Jolly Ranchers and yep, lollipops. The question is, can I find a Tootsie Roll Pop? I'm sure we could still go on ahead with this whole liaison without the symbolic sucker, but I think having one would be satisfyingly poetic.
At first, I think I've found what I'm looking for, but as I pull the promisingly sized lollipop up to take a look, I realize it's a Blow Pop, and not a Tootsie Pop.
Me (tossing the Blow Pop to Greg): "Here. If you branch off into a second service for dudes, this would be perfect."
Greg (after catching the lollipop in his hands): "Huh?"
Me (annoyed that I have to explain my joke, because I thought it was a pretty good one): "If you had a service for dudes? Do you get it?? You'd have Blow Pops instead of Tootsie Pops?"
Maddie laughs. Because she has a sense of humor and it's a funny joke! I'm also starting to realize how much I legitimately like hanging around this girl.
Me (as Greg still gives me a blank look): "C'mon! Since it's dudes, you'd be blowing the guys. You'd be giving them blowjobs. Blowjobs and Blow Pops? Do you really not get it??"
Ah whatever. Tough audience. I turn my attention back to the giant grab bag of candy, and Eureka! I found one! I pull out an untouched Tootsie Roll Pop in an orange wrapper and triumphantly hold it up.
Me (irrationally excited over this): "Found one!"
Maddie smiles, probably at the absurdity of all of this, and as I move the brown paper bag filled with candy out of the way, I offer the sacred Tootsie Roll Pop to Greg. Once he takes it, he'll be free to symbolically offer it to Maddie, and in the process make this elaborate fantasy off his officially come true.
Greg (after timidly accepting this piece of candy): "So we're really doing this?"
Greg (directly to me): "Are you sure this is a good idea?"
Ugh. Why does he have to make everything so goddamn difficult! I can totally tell that if anything, and I mean anything, about this whole affair goes wrong, he's going to come back and try to blame me. But fuck it. I don't care. We're doing this.
Me (to Maddie): "Are you up for this? Are you willing to be the first ever official user of Coach's Free Tootsie Roll Pop service?"
Maddie (herself now looking a little unsure): "Yeah... I think so?"
Fuck. Now Madison's having doubts?? Am I going to have to personally drag these two across the finish line here myself?!?