Chapter VI: Converts
THE FOLLOWING STORY IS TRUE. ALL EVENTS AND BEHAVIOR ARE FAITHFUL ACCOUNTS OF PAST EVENTS, ALTHOUGH NAMES HAVE BEEN ALTERED TO PROTECT MY POSTERIOR AND KEEP ME OUT OF COURT. WRITER'S LICENSE AND HUMBLE DISCRETION HAVE BEEN USED WHERE AND WHEN I FELT IT EXPEDIENT TO AVOID ADVERSITY OR TO ENHANCE EPISODE INTERVALS.
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The reverend Ronnie Joe and I sat talking over coffee in my kitchen. Neither of us had any clothing on, as it had just been too much trouble to get dressed after our cooperative gratification of my fiancé's long unfulfilled fantasy. Susie was recuperating in the bedroom from the enjoyment of her two-lover fantasy and his wife had retired to their house after being thoroughly satiated the night before. In the background, we could hear the neighborhood awakening to another Saturday of weekend chores and fun. We knew it wouldn't be long before the pre-holiday reverie would be broken by the demands of our lives and families.
"Ronnie," I said, "Now that we've corrupted you totally, how do you feel?"
He sat quietly for several seconds, obviously deep in thought. Then he answered carefully, "I don't exactly understand my feelings at the moment. You kids did not, as you suggested, corrupt me. Every man is master of his own actions and should never blame anyone but himself if he fails in his own expectations. To say that I feel I've done something wicked would be untrue because I can't feel that anything which brought so much enjoyment to so many of us could really be evil. Sexual gratification between agreeable adults (you'll notice I didn't use the word consenting) I CAN NOT denounce.
"Because I'm a minister, certain factions of society expect me to be above personal enjoyment. Whether or not the members of my congregation would understand and accept my having extramarital sex, even with my wife's permission, is certainly open to debate. I suppose I'm still a bit in the old monogamous fidelity mode, as the thought of them finding out does give me pause."
"Sounds to me like you're trying to convince yourself that you've done no wrong," I speculated. "If it's any help, my opinion is that you've done nothing immoral. How can performing such a vital service, as well as providing so much happiness, for four people be considered sinful?"
"Interesting viewpoint. I like to think I've given something worthwhile to everyone", Ronnie sighed. "It is difficult to just forget my religious education and conservative upbringing though."
"Then don't forget your beliefs. Add to them. If your deity is as loving as I've always heard, then surely sharing that love can not be evil. My personal theology is one of open mindedness," I mused. "As an example, I am totally heterosexual. Yet I'm more than willing to allow someone else to enjoy homosexuality, as long as they don't try to force their beliefs on me. By the same token, I would be untrue to my own beliefs if I either tried to convert that person, or more importantly, if I condemned them for their actions and preferences".
"In other words, anything goes as long as the participants are willing, right?" Ronnie thought for a moment more then asked, "How do you feel about sadism, or bestiality, or sex with children?"
"O.K." I answered. "You've got me. I admit there must be limits. It's difficult to set those limits though, I think you'll have to agree. Let's you and I, for the purpose of this discussion and our own peace of mind, prescribe our boundaries as just plain, normal, heterosexual relationships. That sound O.K. to you?"
"You are a smooth talker, you are! I'm not sure but I think I've just made a pact with the Devil. I don't suppose you believe in him either, do you?"
"Not as a red colored, horned, forked tailed entity", I laughingly replied. "I believe that both the decency and the evil of the world are merely manifestations of human thought. I once heard it said that heaven and hell are merely conditions of the mortal mind. I think I can accept that statement."
Ronnie studied me for several long seconds before he continued, "Have you ever thought about being a minister? I'll bet you could out-talk Beelzebub himself if you put your mind to it".
Grinning at the thought, I ventured, "The closest I've ever come to considering preaching is my fantasy of forming my own church. Yeah! It'd be called The First Church Of Computer Science. Of course, I get to program the computer!"
Ronnie groaned, "Is that all you ever think of? There's more to life than sex, you know. Don't you have any plans for the future?"
"Sir!" I reprimanded. "Stand at attention when you mention sex to me. I'll have you know I have nothing BUT plans for the future! I intend to start on them right after I finish screwing every female on the planet!"
"You're hopeless," he laughed.
We talked about many things, as friends are wont to do when they're getting to know one another. A couple of hours of good-humored joshing and almost three pots of coffee later, Ronnie decided he'd better head home. Before he left though, he asked me if I'd be willing to attend his church sometime. Probably because we'd been enjoying each other's company and stories, I was in a particularly congenial mood and agreed before I thought about it.
Within the hour, Ronnie's wife Dianna came over and asked me what in the world I'd said to him. Oblivious to my nudity she told me he was happier than she'd seen him in years and he couldn't stop talking about me. Somehow or other, according to Ronnie, I'd promised to come to his church and talk to the congregation! I found it difficult to speak with my chin bouncing off my knees while Dianna threw her arms around me and tried to roto-route my tonsils.
"Oh that's so wonderful of you," she gushed. "We've been having trouble keeping our flock coming recently. I just know the people who are there tomorrow will love you and they'll tell others. Before long our little church will be overflowing again!"
The difficulty of biting back a scathing, "and so will the collection plate," was magnificently rewarded when she pinned me against the kitchen counter with her gyrating body, kissed me passionately and exited with an, "Oh thank you, thank you!"
I stood dumfounded, pointing at the door that had just closed behind her. No wonder I jumped three feet straight up without my feet leaving the floor when Susie asked, "What was that all about? Do you always point with that?"
Sheepishly I grinned, "I think I just became a minister".
Susie, still quite nude herself, stared at my naked body for a minute. Then she jeered, "Talk about letting the fox loose in the hen house! Letting you preach in church is about like making Hitler a Rabbi! Are you going to do it? 'Cause if you are, there's no way I'm gonna' miss this!"
I managed to stammer out, "I don't know. Ronnie and I were just shooting the bull, or at least that's what I thought we were doing. I gotta' call him".
As I moved to pick up the phone, Susie pulled my body against hers and said, "Hey, it might be interesting. You're always telling me how sexy churches are".
"Right! I can hear it now! I'm going to say, "Brothers and sisters, take off your clothes and we'll explore the religious temples of our bodies together," I sniggered. "You know that's not a bad idea. Maybe I could do something with that".
Then as Susie pulled me to the floor with her, I mumbled, "I'll think about it later!" Eventually we finished our interruption in the bedroom. When she was finally satisfied and dozing peacefully, I quietly slipped out to call Ronnie.
He confirmed that I was invited to speak from his pulpit the following day. I asked how we had gotten from a friendly suggestion that I attend his church to my being a guest speaker. Ronnie apologized and admitted he might have gotten a bit carried away. A BIT?
Like a dummy I agreed to accompany him to his church and said I would give a short talk. No restrictions were to be placed on my elocution and he promised he would back up anything I said. Talk about pressure! I liked the man and surely didn't want to see him burned at the stake, much less frighten away his source of income.
Throughout the evening and deep into the early hours of Sunday morning I wrote and discarded a multitude of notes, thoughts and foolishness. The ideas that came to me were all within the limits of conventional religious doctrine and platitudes.
Ten o'clock in the morning found me in Ronnie's office with no more idea what I should say than I had envisioned twenty-four hours earlier. He said to relax and I would do just fine. Easy enough to say for a guy who practiced his speaking skills every week. Perhaps, I thought, the audience wouldn't be able to hear me over the noise of my knees knocking together.
The service started with me sitting on the podium like someone who belonged and had at least a vague idea why they were there. After an opening prayer and several welcome (for the delay) songs, Ronnie introduced me simply as a guest speaker. At least this relieved me of having to live up to a title.
