Cheerful Loose And Loaded

In this year of the pandemic we can only dream of workplace holiday parties, looking forward to next year when the tradition will no doubt continue. For now, we can read about one, a company's end-of-year soiree, with good cheer and laughter, champagne and tasty snacks, and maybe even a share of the profits...

—

"So how did we do?"

Royland Fargenstein, of the accounting firm Fargenstein Platz, answered the question with a faint smile. "It was your best year ever, Frank. Unless I've made a horrible mistake, which I'm sure I haven't, you've tripled your earnings. With the corporate tax cut, and a few other things I was able to do, all legally of course, this year's profits push your bottom line to just over twenty-eight million dollars. A good chunk of it is liquidatable cash. We really should put it somewhere with long-term growth potential, unless you have capital investments in mind."

Frank Ferdy scratched his head. "Twenty eight

million?

Jesus Christ, Roy. That's...unbelievable. I mean, Jesus

Christ!

"

"I've run the numbers every way, Frank. You're rolling in it. The dough, I mean. Apparently the sex toy business is booming."

"Yeah, we've been flat-out. I'm putting in more machines, expanding the lines. I just upped our order for that top shelf silicone. I guess my son was right. Make things first class and people will pay for it."

Royland nodded. "So, shall I look into where to invest some of this, or all of it? It makes no sense to leave it where it is, earning practically nothing. Even conservatively invested we could earn five or six percent."

"Let me think it over, Roy," Frank said. "I have a few thoughts, but...I need to think on it."

-

After talking things over with his son, Frank Jr. — Frankie, as many call him — the decision was made to share the wealth in an unprecedented way for the company. A fifty-thousand dollar year-end bonus for each full-time person who works there, no matter how small the job.

Frank and his son threw a party for the employees, on a Saturday night a few days before New Year's Eve, with top-shelf champagne and old fashioned snack food, at the wedding venue across the road from the factory. The winter winds blew cold that night, but with everyone together in the big ballroom the gathering felt warm, like family. Frank stood at the dais, speaking into a microphone, telling his employees how much they meant to him. When the bonus checks were passed around, everyone was stunned, and nearly all were in tears.

"

Speech

," someone said. Others chimed in, calling, "

Speech

." "

Speech

."

Frank spoke into the microphone again. "Don't thank me, thank all the lonely people in this world, those who turn to our products for comfort in their times of need. A sex toy is a positive thing. Some use them with their partners, of course, but I always envision the lonely, and I hope that our products give them some pleasure, and help them to dream."

"They do." It was Katherine Rue's voice speaking up, she with a champagne glass in her hand. Others agreed with her simple, heartfelt comment.

"Damn right they do," said Helen Winkler, feeling the good champagne's buzz already, smiling impishly. "I speak from experience. They're good products."

Embarrassed laughter percolated around the big room, older women smiling and slyly nodding.

"How's that employee discount working out, Frank?" Doris Dorring asked, chuckling. "Must not be breakin' ya if you're givin' out these kind of bonuses, but cripes, think of how much more you'd be makin' if we was all payin' full price for our toys!"

More laughter arose, easier.

"I'm happy to help, Doris," said Frank at the microphone. "You and Dottie have that Big Ten line running like clockwork. I tell you what, when we started I never thought a ten incher would fly."

"You thinkin' of makin' dildos with wings, Frank? That'd be somethin', right?"

"No, no wings, but speaking of ten-inchers, we've received a lot of requests for an extra large Suckfuckster. Hard to believe, but I guess there's quite a few men who don't fit in our current model."

"They're lying, Frank," Winnie Spurl said.

Frank looked down from the dais and saw her, her smile coy, her eyes sparkling like the champagne bubbles in her glass. "Maybe so, Winnie," he said, "but I think we'll tool up and run an order, just to see."

"Pretty sure them men are a myth," Winnie said. "Kinda like the women who buy them twelve inch Black Stallions."

"You might be surprised to know the Twelve Black is a top selling dildo these days," Frank said. "Ships out almost as fast as the Vibrarific."

"Holly shit, for real?" Winnie said.

"I wouldn't lie to you, Winnie," Frank said. "Listen, all of you, I just want to say, this has been an extraordinary year. You've all been such a big part of it. This company would be nothing without you."

"The horniest workforce in the country!" Deanna Dix said, raising her thrice emptied glass. "Big ol' dildos forever!"

"Hey, Frank," said a female voice, rising up out of the increasingly boisterous crowd, "do you...use your own products?"

"Well, you folks are plenty honest, so I will be, too," Frank said. "Yes, I was one of the beta testers for the Suckfuckster. And, since Betty died, I keep one in my bedside drawer."

"I do, too," a male voice said.

"Me too," said a young man named Tyrell.

"Holy Christ," Winnie said. "

You

guys?"

"Sure, why not," Tyrell said. "We don't all have hot babes like you around, Winnie. How 'bout you? Did you take home a Black Stallion Twelve?"

"Wouldn't you like to know!" she chuckled.

"Okay, people, let's not let things get too inappropriate," Frank said from the dais.

"We're not worried, Frank," Doris said. "Them dumb-ass sexual harassment types that gave us that class ain't here. You wasted your money on that. Coulda gave us bigger bonuses instead!"

"Really? Do the rest of you feel that way?" Frank asked. "I mean, some of that training we're bound to do, by law, but..."

"Most of us aren't worried," Lizzy Baker said. "Takes all the fun out of life."

Others chimed in and agreed. "Well," Frank said, "I always knew you were a special bunch. Blue collar to the bone. Those of us in the office sort of feel the same way. Waste of time, I've heard."

"Is that why Crystal dresses the way she does?" asked deep voiced Nolan.

"Hey!" Crystal said, smiling as she stepped up onto the dais beside her boss. "I resemble that remark. This is just how I dress. Isn't it okay?"

"I'm not complainin', sweetheart," Nolan said.

"I always figure a sex toy company needs some nice tittie cleavage at the front desk, am I right?" Crystal said, waggling hers enough to draw even more eyes to them.

"Always makes my day," Clem the janitor said.

"Awe, Clem, for real?" Crystal said, smiling. "How 'bout this dress I wore for the party tonight. You like?"

"Hell yeah, girl. You look tight."

Crystal did a twirl in her skimpy, not-appropriate-for-work dress, up there for all to see. "I'm so happy I just can't stand it," she said, kissing her boss Frank on the cheek. "Are we gonna thank this sweet man for our bonuses, or what?"

A whooping cheer went up from the assembled group. Champagne bottles were being passed around, glasses filled and big gulps taken. The general mood was high, and getting higher.

"Any concerns, or ideas for the new year?" Frank asked his employees.

A voice rose from the crowd. "Crystal and Frank Junior ought to be your new spokesmodels. You could do some videos, or late night television ads or something, talking up the new products. You know, like them infomercials."

"That's not exactly my thing," Frank Jr. said.

"I'll volunteer, if Crystal's doin' it," Clem said.

"You clean up nice, honey," Lizzy Baker said, eyeing Clem's party clothes. "Would you be pitchin' the extra large Suckfuckster? We're all guessin' you got a twelve inch Black Stallion livin' right there in your pants."

"Woooo!" Crystal said, smiling and fanning her face. "If only."

"Girl, you play your cards right..." Lizzy said.

Up from the chuckling laughter another voice arose. "Boss, you really use a Suckfuckster?" young Malcom asked. "I thought they was...like a gag gift or somethin'."

"I thought so, too," a woman said.

"It's a serious product. Works the charm," Frank said, taking a big sip from a champagne glass that Crystal had just filled to the brim.

"I guess none of us girls believe it," Crystal said, guzzling from her own over-filled glass. "I mean, I know its got a soft kind of a hole, and it sorta moves inside when you turn it on, but...does it really...kinda feel like a girl?"

Frank Jr. chimed in. "I can say it's...not as good as a real woman, but it's nice in its own kind of way."

Crystal's eyes widened. "Frankie! You use one, too?"

"We offered it on beta to all the guys in the office and the plant," Frank Jr. said. "Same as our in-house beta testing program for the women's products."

"Don't tell me you're the one who...takes care of all that," Crystal said, suddenly blushing embarrassedly.

"Carmine and I correlate all the data," Frank Jr. said, smirking. "You know, Crystal, you're not supposed to put your name on those worksheets. The beta testing is supposed to be anonymous."

"Oh, God," Crystal said, hiding her face in her hand. "Okay, I'll admit it," she said, still standing next to the boss, looking out at the crowd. The microphone picked up her voice, amplifying it a bit. "I tried the twelve incher, but it's just too fucking big for me. I mean, I can take nine, maybe ten if I've had a few drinks, but..."

"Shit, girl," said Tamisha Jones, a tall, curvy, self proclaimed 'Goddess of the Ghetto'. "You can take that in

that

little body of yours?"

Frank stood at the dais, sipping his champagne faster than he normally would, wondering if he should redirect everyone's thoughts to something wholesome, maybe a sing-along of Auld Lang Syne. "The Big Ten is quite popular," he said.

"I just need to be...in the right position," Crystal said.

"I hear you, girlfriend," Tamisha said.

"I wonder," Millicent Kennedy said, "if maybe...we could give each other tips on how to best...use things."

"Maybe for the Suckfuckster, too," young Malcom said. "It don't look like it's gonna be all that great. Do you, like, move it, after you turn it on?"

"Yeah, how 'bout a demo, Frankie," Crystal said, swaying a bit from the booze in her, with a champagne bottle in one hand and her drink glass in the other. "You know all the info from them worksheets, right? What all you horny guys like, and all that. Go across the road and get some stuff. Let's get this party

started!

"

Frank Jr. looked surprised. "Us horny guys? Christ, Crystal, ninty-five percent of what we make is for you ladies. If there's going to be a demo, it should be you all showing

us

what works best."

"Fifty-fifty tonight, my friend," she said, her voice tinged with champagne buzz. "I'll fuckin' volunteer if no one else wants to, but one of you guys needs to step up. Clem, you with me? Wanna show these yokels how it's done?"

"Right here?" asked Clem. "Boss, you okay with us partyin' that way."

"I probably shouldn't be," Frank said, "but...hey, we make sex toys after all. I've never been ashamed of them. I mean, we can call it research, right? To be honest, I'd love to see some of it in action. Frankie, can we bring over the new machine we've been working on? We can maybe just set it up, let everyone see what we might be building."

Frank Jr. looked surprised and more than a little concerned. "Do you mean...Deep Thrust Nine? Sure, we can bring it over, but...Dad, do you really think live demonstrations are a good idea?"

Frank understood his son's concern, so he looked out at his employees and spoke calmly and measuredly into the microphone. "It looks like our end of year party is about to take a turn. Any of you who'd like to leave, you won't hurt my feelings at all. Those of you who would like to see some of our products in action, or maybe try something out that you don't have at home, well, you're more than welcome to stay. I don't think it's all that different from what they do at those Tupperware parties and lingerie parties my wife used to go to. The way I see it, at the end of the day, our products are made to pleasure folks. Letters and emails are very nice, but how nice it will be to see that true pleasure in person. A company party going this way will be unorthodox, for sure, and I'll ask you all to keep this evening confidential. There's no need to stir up a hornet's nest with spouses or others who wouldn't understand. This has been a year to remember, so let's crack open some more of this good champagne and enjoy ourselves."

A murmur rose from the crowd, louder, and louder. Frank helped Crystal down off the dais, her high heels sinking into the soft carpet of the big ballroom, a room wallpapered in deep reds and golds, with a thirty-foot long sparkling chandelier hanging overhead. Clem ambled over to Crystal and she filled his glass, nearly emptying her bottle. "I fuckin' love this stuff," she said. "Makes me high like weed."

"You dragged me in, darlin'," Clem said, gazing down from his tall-in-stature height, right into the gaping maw of Crystal's bikini-model-worthy cleavage. "What'd you have in mind?"

"What'd I have in mind?" she said. " Your fuckin' hard cock, out in front of all these ladies. Think you can handle it?"

Clem smiled. "Are

you

gonna handle it, or are you just thinkin' I'm gonna use a Suckfuckster while you just sits there and watches."

Crystal smiled big and bright. "You'd rather

I

use that Suckfuckster on you? I'll do that, but maybe you'll have to return the favor and put a Big Ten way deep inside of

me

."

"I knew you was crazy, but, you fuckin'

crazy

, girl," Clem said. "In front of all these folks?"

Crystal smiled slyly, nodding in slow motion. "Champagne makes me fuckin' hella horny."

"Damn!" Clem said, walking away from the cutest young white girl he'd ever laid eyes on, ambling over to see his friend Tamisha.

"That girl on meth or somethin'?" Tamisha asked him. "What's she got you into?"

"I guess she and me is the demonstrators," Clem said. "Last thing I'm doin' is sayin' no to what she's askin'."

"Mmm hmm," Tamisha said, disapprovingly. "And that wife you're always talkin' about? She know you're sayin' yes to that girl?"

"You call your man and tell him you're stayin'?" Clem asked, with a twinkle in his eyes.

Tamisha's eyes twinkled too. "What are they puttin' in these

drinks

tonight?" she said. "Somethin' tells me it's about to get all wild up in here. Boss man Frank is surprisin' me. This bonus is enough to pay off my

house

. Can you

believe it?

"

"Ain't it somethin'?" Clem said, shaking his head in disbelief. "Yeah, I think we's all just in a celebratin' kind of mood. I ain't felt it in the air like this since I was a young pup."

"Mmm hmm," Tamisha said, this time more coy than disapproving. "I tell you what, big man, if we all get to feelin' it like I

think

we might, you'll come find me, right?"

"Hooo-wee!" Clem exclaimed. "Damn, girl. What is goin'

on

tonight!"

-

Twenty minutes later, Frank Jr., Carmine, and two men from the warehouse crew returned from across the street. Three two-wheeled carts were stacked high with boxes of product from the factory: Dildos, vibrators, anal plugs, various types of tie-up restraints and harnesses, and a carton of Suckfucksters. Frank Jr. carried a box containing a final revision prototype of Suckfuckster Beyond, and Carmine shouldered a bigger box, one that held a disassembled prototype of a motorized fucking machine for women, called Deep Thrust Nine.

"Oh my God, you brought DT9?" Crystal said. "I didn't think it was ready. You promised me I'd be the first one on the beta list, remember?"

"We haven't gotten to beta yet," Carmine said, as he bolted the parts of the machine together. "This is its coming out party, I guess you could say. Frankie and I have been taking it home."

"Yeah, your lucky wives. Like fuckin' test pilots, huh?" Crystal took a big swig of her champagne. "I'm supposed to be the new demonstrator, right? We fuckin' doin' this, or what? Where's fuckin' Clem?

Hey! Clem!"

Carmine shook his head when Crystal went in search of the big janitor, wobbling on her high heels and spilling a splash of champagne along the way. "This is nuts," Carmine said to Frank Jr. "She's not seriously going to try this thing right here in front of everybody, is she?"

"I wouldn't mind seeing it," Frankie said. "And it looks like my Dad's strangely okay with things."

"Ever since your mom died, man, he's been...different."

"Yeah," Frankie said. "But he seems happy enough. You know how he is. Everybody at work is like family. Giving all these big bonus checks has done a world of good for him. Makes him happier than church these days."

Carmine nodded as he bolted the nine-inch silicone dildo to the end of the stroke shaft. He plugged Deep Thrust Nine's power cord into an extension, and the gleaming stainless steel pleasure machine whirred to life, thrusting the flesh-colored cock in a smooth stroking manner.

"This is pretty much the finished product," he said, as employees gathered around the tabletop display. "First impressions are important. How does it look to you all?"

"Freakin' awesome," said Deanna Dix, with a fresh splash of champagne in her stomach. "That's a damn big cock. Is that the Tri-Layer silicone?"

"Quad," Carmine proudly said. "The newest. We're getting so close to real hard cock skin it's almost spooky."

"What would

you

know about that, handsome?" Winnie said to him, winking. "Or is it your wife who's the expert?"

Carmine smiled. "My wife. I shouldn't give away secrets, but, she's pretty fond of this machine. This is a newly shaped dildo, though, with a bigger tip, more contoured. She hasn't tried this one yet. Doris made it for us yesterday."

"You should have felt it when it was fresh out of the mold, all nice and warm," Doris said to Winnie. "These new quad layers are somethin' else. When are we doin' the Standard Six in the quad, Frankie? That's the baby I want to take home to cuddle."

"It'll be another month, Doris, before we change over all the standard sized dildos to the quad formulation," Frank Jr. said. "The supplier is just getting up to speed with the new silicone mix for the outer skin layer."

Crystal emerged from the happy crowd, her bright smile momentarily hidden while she tipped more champagne into her mouth. "Holy shit!" she said, eyeing the quietly whirring, smoothly thrusting machine on display. "You gotta be

shittin'

me. That Nine looks fuckin'

huge

on there! Is that a new shape? I

love

it!"

"We're going to ship them with the Nine, I think, because we like the name. Deep Thrust Nine has a nice ring to it," Frankie said. "We're either going to include smaller mounts in the box, or make them optional for not much money."

"Just throw some lube in the box and let the prissy pussies get it on with the Nine," Crystal said, holding her hand still, letting the big cock thrust through her loosely fisted fingers. "This new skin feels real as fuck. I think this is gonna be a winner."

"I hope so," Frank said. "Frankie and Carmine have put a lot of hours into it. We want it to be excellent, like all our products."

"This won't be our only new product for this new year," Frank said. "As some of you know, we've been working on an update to the Suckfuckster. Frank Jr. and Carmine have made big improvements to the internal workings, and our materials suppliers have really stepped up, giving us a brand new type of substance that's so much more realistic for the internal interface. Only a few of you guys have beta tested this final version, so I'm looking forward to Clem's thoughts on how it feels. We're calling this new model the Suckfuckster Beyond. We've decided that the feel of the changes is big enough that we used new names for all the settings. The low setting is Marybeth, the middle setting is Jessa, and the high setting is Rachel."