Bad at Counting
*****
Eva sprayed ale across the table, wetting all four of her companions to at least some degree.
"Arsehole!" she shouted. "You made ale come out my nose. Bloody burns..."
"I did not say anything funny," claimed Strawberry.
"Actually, I think you did," said Bethus, mopping ale off his face. "You claimed to be able to defeat Eva in a game of cup dice. The only thing you do worse than cook is count, my dear."
"Don't talk down to me, you prat."
"Impossible, my dear fuzzy pants. You're a foot taller than me," quipped Bethus.
"All right now that was funny," chimed in Cleva.
"That's because you can't talk down to anyone without a ladder, you short fuck!" exclaimed Eva.
"Also not funny," said Strawberry. "Cleva can't help being a dwarf. Nothing grows well in the dark."
"You are all drunk and getting out of control," said Root in a measured voice. "Settle down now or you'll get us pitched out of the inn. As it is, all five of us all had to pile into one room, and I am not looking forward to sleeping in a cloud of Strawberry scented farts."
Ale sprayed out of Eva's nose again, "Arsehole!"
"I'll give you that one," said Strawberry and farted loudly.
Eva choked so badly that Bethus had to pound her on the back.
*****
Strawberry's punishment for polluting the room was to clean up the ale and buy the next pitcher. She bought two, and as she carefully carried the ale back upstairs to the companion's room, she thought about each of them and how much she has come to care for them over the last year of adventuring together.
Root was ex-military and their natural leader if they even acknowledged having one. At the very least he was the oldest, and the man took it upon himself to keep them out of trouble as much as they let him.
Eva and Bethus were their two professional thieves, or 'rogues' as they styled themselves. Eva was loud, slutty, and obnoxious and still managed to be very good at the job. Bethus was just a natural. 'Everyone needs a token elf in their party,' he had said at the recruiting. 'So, you might as well have the best one.'
Cleva and herself had been picked up for pure muscle. The dwarf was deadly with an axe and strong enough to throw Eva up a tree whenever that was required to restore the peace and quiet. She and Strawberry got along well and often sat watch together so they could tell stories of growing up as young girls in the mines and out on the plains with the barbarian tribes respectively.
They had all shared many adventures together and were enjoying a brief respite in Tuloth while their pockets were full of gold. The inn was warm and safe even if it was overfilled due to a Legion garrison recruiting event in town. Who knows, maybe she'd skip out on the party and join up.
"Nah," she thought. "I'm not one for taking orders and wearing uniforms."
Strawberry knocked on the door with the toe of her boot since her hands were full. Bethus answered after she gave the password: Eva's Tits - because they opened many doors.
"Arsehole!"
"What can I say?" asked Root. "It's easy to remember."
"I got two pitchers of ale. It's a madhouse of farm boys and fugitives down there. I pity the Legion if this is what they have to choose from," stated Strawberry as she stepped in.
"They're not picky, but I would wager that they'll filter out more than half of them. Basic training will filter out half of those remaining, and half of those who pass basic training will die violently in the first year in stupid little conflicts," said Root flatly.
"Life of the party," said Bethus as he closed and bolted the door securely.
"S'true, but not our problem," shrugged Root. "Happy I got out when I did."
"Whatcha got there?" asked Cleva, indicating the wooden case under Strawberry's arm.
"I lifted a whole cup dice set from one of the tables on the way to the bar."
"You were serious?" asked Eva.
"I am serious," responded Strawberry.
"Let's do it then, you big lump!"
"I want in," said Bethus. "This promises to be entertaining, and there's more at stake when you have more players."
"I'll get in for fun," added Cleva. "Somebody will have to teach me to play, though. Root, you in?"
"Fine. What's the buy in?"
"Ten gold each?" offered Eva. "I'm happy to take a pot of fifty once you all lose."
"Make it one hundred gold if you're that confident," said Strawberry.
That even made Eva pause a moment before her ego got the better of her.
"Fine. Yes. One hundred it is. Fine."
"I'm full of ale and swimming in gold at the moment," said Cleva, "So that's fine with me."
Bethus and Root nodded, but less willingly. One hundred gold was still a lot of money.
"So how do we play?" asked Cleva and refilled everyone's glasses from the ale pitcher.
"It's easy, even for tall barbarians," Eva explained. "Everyone gets three dice in a cup. At the start of every round, you shake your cup and slam it open-end down on the table. On the call, everyone reveals their dice and adds them up to a total. If you get two of the same number, you double your total. If get three of a kind, you triple the total. Whoever has the highest total wins the round. It's pure chance. There's no strategy if you don't bet individually on each round."
"What do you get if you win the round?"
"That varies by region and house rules," said Bethus. "Usually, a set contains ten chips for each player. If you win a round you get to take a chip away from the player with the lowest total. Sometimes you keep it, and sometimes they just lose it. Sometimes the highest gets to choose who they take a chip from. The real strategy comes in if you play like that.
"Sometimes the lowest has to take a drink. Sometimes the highest pours a drink down the lowest. Sometimes the lowest loses a piece of their clothing. Sometimes the highest takes a piece of their clothing. It all depends on how vicious, greedy, naked, or drunk you want to get. If you lose all your chips, you are out. Whoever is left at the end gets the pot of gold."
"I like the lose clothes version!" said Cleva.
"You would, because you can't hold your drink," said Eva.
"Maybe I just really want to see Bethus naked."
"We've all adventured together for a year. I'm sure we've all seen each other naked," said Root.
"I haven't," said Bethus. "Despite all the characterization we give Eva, I have never actually seen her legendary tits."
"And who says you will?" teased Eva.
"I haven't seen any of you naked," said Cleva.
"Come to think of it, I don't think I have either," added Strawberry.
"You're not missing much," said Root. "Your cock is probably bigger than mine, Cleva."
"That's because it belonged to a camel before I dried it, oiled it, and purposed it as a throwing axe haft."
"Meh, same answer."
"Well, we'll have to decide something," said Strawberry. "There's no chips in this set."
"I'm endorsing the plan of playing for Eva's tits," voted Bethus.
"Arsehole!"
"That too if you lose enough. I bet it's cute."
That time it was Cleva who spat ale and had to clean it up. They cleared a spot in the center of the table, and everyone staked their one hundred gold. Strawberry passed out the dice and cups, which they all shook and slammed down.
"Ready? And go!"
They all lifted them:
• Bethus showed 1 3 4 for 7
• Cleva showed 4 4 5 for 26
• Eva showed 1 5 6 for 12
• Root showed 1 2 6 for 9
• Strawberry showed 4 5 6 for 15
"That's you then," said Strawberry to Cleva. "Twenty-six."
"I only have thirteen -- oh -- the double, that's right. Yay me!"
"Bethus, our token prat. That's you for lowest then," declared Eva. "Make a decision, Cleva. What're we playing for?"
"I think that's worth Bethus's shirt," said the dwarf, and blew him a kiss.
"Why are you so aglow for me all of a sudden?" asked the elf as he undid the pegs on his shirt.
"Always have been," said Cleva and blew him another kiss followed by a loud ale belch.
"Charming," was all Bethus replied and shed his shirt to reveal his hairless muscled chest. Each of his nipples bore a sliver ring.
"Wouldn't have guessed that," said Strawberry. "I thought only Pashkirani did that."
"That's where I had it done. They looked at me like I was insane, but the woman I was attempting to seduce at the time found them irresistible. I just keep them on the theory that lightning will strike twice."
"Ready? And go!"
This time:
• Bethus showed 5 5 5 for 45
• Cleva showed 1 3 4 for 8
• Eva showed 1 5 6 for 12
• Root showed 5 6 6 for 17
• Strawberry showed 3 3 4 for 10
"That's payback, my dear. Lose the boots."
"The boots or one boot?" asked Cleva.
"I suppose it must be one by the rules."
"Pshhh, big deal."
"Ready? And go!"
And now:
• Bethus showed 4 4 5 for 13
• Cleva showed 1 1 3 for 10
• Eva showed 1 4 6 for 11
• Root showed 2 3 6 for 11
• Strawberry showed 3 4 5 for 12
"Dammit!" shouted Cleva. "Even with a double!"
"That's the other boot this time short'n'sweet," smiled Bethus.
"Ready?
And go!"
Next it was:
• Bethus showed 2 3 6 for 11
• Cleva showed 2 5 6 for 13
• Eva showed 2 2 3 for 7
• Root showed 5 5 6 for 32
• Strawberry showed 1 2 4 for 7
"Whoo! That's me!" cheered Root.
"We had two lowest, though," said Cleva, looking between Eva and Strawberry.
"Yeah, that means we both lose," explained Strawberry. "What's it going to be, Root?"
"One boot each, if you please."
And so, it continued. The dice clattered, the ale flowed, and the excitement in the room slowly climbed...
"And go!"
"Fucking finally! That's your shirt off Root."
"Fine, Eva."
"And go!"
"Bethus loses a boot!"
"A trifle. I've got another one."
"And go!"
"Second boot off, Strawbarbarian."
"And go!"
"Shirt off short stuff!"
"Dammit!"
"And go!"
"Yes! Doubles again! That's your second boot Eva and yours too Bethus."
"And go!"
"Nine hells!"
"Sock off Eva!"
And so, it continued...
*****
"Once Root's back from having a piss, we've got some decisions to make," said Strawberry. "He's down to one sock and his loin strap. I'm down to leggings and the band over my breasts. Cleva the same. Eva the same, plus a sock, and Bethus has just a loin strap."
"And a smile. Despite being in last place, I am still wearing a smile," said Bethus. "I cannot honestly remember having this much fun with you all since we had that wreck in Wongus and all got into those casks of spirits."
"That was a good time," said Cleva. "Remember that drunk pirate on the beach with the seagull down his pants?"
"Oh yeah... I had forgotten about that until you mentioned it," mused Eva.
"Forgotten about what?" said Root, stepping back in from the privy where the chamber pots hid.
"Pirate with the seagull down his pants in Wongus."
Root snorted, "Yeah. Good times."
"Anyway," said Strawberry. "We're all a couple of rolls from naked, which was the goal when we started, if I recall. Does anyone want to forfeit their stake to avoid baring their bits?"
A return cacophony of negatives amounting to "hells no" was the answer.
"Very good, second question," offered Bethus. "Does running out of clothes end your stake?"
