It had been nearly a week after my own personal renaissance had started when I found myself nervously standing at the entrance of The Low End, a gay sports bar with drinks cleverly modeled after sports legends nicknames. The drink menu featured cocktails like "Mad Bum", "Berry Zito", "Baby Bull" -- all of which were lost on me, but seemed to delight first-timers as they scanned the list.
"Miss, ID?", the doorman said, and judging from the height of his eyebrows, what must have been the second time. As I made my way through the doorway, I was presented with what amounted to a microcosm of the country: average straight white guys, average gay white guys, some very cute K-popish Asian guys, a lesbian couple that looked like average straight white guys, a single Black guy and two tall naked dudes with their penises covered by some sort of sparkly sock thing.
"Melyssa! Back here!" I heard Kenny's voice cut through the obstreperous lamina of house music, alpha-boisting, sports cheers, and the two girls that were like, totally named "Ashley", who were finding that maintaining an overly-affected vocal fry with adequate volume to be an unworkable aggregate.
"Oh my God you guys, this is Melyssa, she attended my class last weekend! Hey baby! Come here!". Kenny hugged me as he introduced me. "This is Jason, Nate.." - the rest drowned out by the sudden vociferous agreement from the bar patrons that what was happening on the televisions was extremely beneficial.
No sooner had I sat down when our little group was joined by a couple that almost required their own Wikipedia page. Kenny, of course, jumped up and greeted them as if this reunion had been years in the making, "Cassidy and Sin-Joon, this is -- oh you know everyone, what am I doing? Oh wait, you don't know Melyssa, this is my new friend Melyssa!"
Cassidy sat next to me and smiled, "hey, you can call me Cass, and this is Sin-Joon".
"Nǐ hǎo", she said, shaking my hand.
"Oh hey, it is so nice to meet you guys", I said smiling. I was praying Sin-Joon wouldn't take me to task with Chinese, which I understood well enough but felt too shy to speak outside of my parent's home.
"By the way, I'm loving your skirt!", Cass said, feeling the edge of it with her fingers, "Oh this is nice! Did you get it at Jean-Lucs?"
"Yeah thanks! I did get it at Jean-Lucs, he has such amazing clothes I could go through a paycheck there easily!"
"Same! Hey, did you order a drink? Baby " - to Sin-Joon - "Can you get me that one I had last week that I loved!".
Sin-Joon just shrugged.
Nate: "Order the Big Unit!"
Kenny, laughing: "Oh my God what is the Big Unit?"
Name: "It's Vodka-based but has sparkling wine, it's named after Randy Johnson".
Kenny: "Jesus, and someone thought he needed a nickname? Randy Johnson IS the nickname. God, it's like his parents were planning him a career in porn! I bet they were disappointed when the only balls he played with were on the baseball field! Jesus!"
Nate: "Sin-Joon, this round's on me " - handing her a twenty as she started for the counter - "Melyssa looks like she could use a Big Unit also"
Kenny: "I need a big unit, goddamit!"
Curt [whose intro I missed earlier]: "Kenny, please don't invoke the name of God in bar full of fags unless you are immune to lightening"
Kenny: "Oh, please! If Jesus didn't want me to be gay he wouldn't have put a clit in my asshole!"
So this kept up for a while, leaving me feeling drunk before I'd even as much as sipped my 'Big Unit'. Kenny, who had a much earlier start than the rest of us, attempted to fill in each other's history.
"Ok, so like, Melyssa is super-new to the city, she is literally from Kansas!"
Me: "I'm literally from Illinois"
Kenny: "And Sin-Joon and Cassidy, be patient with her because you are probably the first lesbian couple she has ever met!"
Cass: "Neither of us are lesbians"
Kenny: "I have to pee!"
So Kenny gave us a reprieve as Sin-Joon returned with two glasses, "Wait I need to get the others", she said, going back to the bar. Cass turned to me smiling, "Oh my God, Kenny is so drunk. He is really funny but, like, I'm kinda scared what he might say next, ya know?"
"Yes!", I said, "I almost hope he forgets I'm here!"
We clinked glasses and took a sip, not really toasting to anything in particular, but I was quite relieved to have already made a friend. Then the rapid-fire round table recrudessed, this time with orientation-indeterminable Curt leading the charge.
Curt: "This bartender is so much better than that Linda"
Cass: "Oh, she doesn't like me at all after I told her she needs to use Ginger Beer in a Moscow Mule, not whatever happens to be on tap"
Nate: "Is she that one that always wears the Metallica durag?"
Curt: "No, she's the one that looks like Hillary Swank"
Sin-Joon: "Who is Hillary Swank?"
Cass: "She was in 'Boys Don't Cry'"
"All the ones I know do!", Kenny sang out, as he sat plopped back down on his chair. "What are we talking about? What did I miss?"
As the drinks poured down, conversation became easier and easier, with everyone achieving a pretty good comfort level within an hour. Cass was so sweet -- but spoke so quietly I could barely hear her without really leaning in. I was a little worried about invading her personal space, but when I moved back she immediately made up the difference.
Topics jumped around all over the place.
Cass: "...no, it's fine- i'm actually a mix, part Jamaican, part spanish..."
Me: "... well, I grew up in the midwest..."
Cass: "...Sin-Joon is my friend, we aren't seeing each other..."
Me: "...not really, I mean, I've been so busy with work I haven't had time to meet anyone..."
Cass: "...BS in Psychology, which is nothing, I at least need a masters to do anything in my field..."
As we became more at ease, her hand would gently pat me on my knee, as if to really make a point, and I found I would touch her arm, something I didn't typically do, but felt like reciprocating in some way. As we talked more, laughed more, and drank more, her hand languished more.
The conversation, which started off so politely, replete with empathetic bumpers to make sure we stayed in the proper lane, that were coming off with each successive sip of our respective martinis. I leaned in more as we spoke, laughed...my hand continued to land on her forearm, hers periodically touching my knee, my thighs, until finally she was subconsciously stroking my leg.
I had the urge to kiss her, to lock her lips into mine...I had never, ever thought of a girl this way, at least not on any conscious level. I wasn't sure why I was now. Had I simply been predisposed to repress these types of feelings by conformity, by culturally-induced convention, by acceptable assimilation...? Whatever the reason, of the many things not on my "Are You Experienced" checklist, I needed to include crushes - of any kind.
I also became a little concerned with Sin-Joon, who we were now completely ignoring.
"So no boyfriends since you moved to SF?"
"Well...no boyfriends since I moved from my mother's womb", I said, laughing. Cass looked puzzled.
"Are you a lesbian?", as she asked this, I felt the warm of her hand on my bare leg leave.
"No, no...I mean...I don't think I am". Cass tried to stifle a laugh, "You don't think you are? OK, so like, you've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Are you afraid of commitment? What about people you've slept with, you haven't wanted to explore a relationship with any of them?"
I hesitated. I didn't want to share these intimate details of my life just yet, but at the same time, I felt as if I could trust her, and I felt compelled to share, to let her into my inner circle which consisted of me, my soul, and partly Kenny.
"Well...I mean...I haven't slept with anyone". She sipped her cocktail, nodding, then stopped.
