All Saint's Eve — or,
'The crazy fucking day.'
*
"Yo Red, wanna go to a par-tay?"
"My name is Jordan."
"You're a red-shirt freshman, so you is Red. Now to the question at hand..."
"Thanks, but no, I volunteered to help at the Rainbow Theatre, they're doing a haunted house for kids."
"The Rainbow Theatre, you gay? You don't act like a dick smoker? Now, I know you can find some fine-looking bitches there, but they're all carpet munchers, man, we're talking Team Lickity Slit. C'mon Red, come to this party, I guarantee you, we will get you good and unconfused before midnight."
Jordan looked at his teammates, shook his head, and turned towards the door, "Wish you guys had said something earlier."
College life, so far, was not what Jordan had imagined. To be sure some aspects of college were pretty cool, some definitely were not. The problem was all the confusion, or maybe what is confusing is because of the problem. It just changes so fast, and then changes again before you can figure it out.
Football was easy, being red-shirted had been a surprise, but a free ride is a free ride. Living in a dorm wasn't too much of a problem. Understanding and fitting in with some of his teammates, was more a challenge than a problem . He'd never encountered so many versions and variations of basic English, sometimes the simple act of greeting someone was impossibly convoluted.
And while not a virgin, he would hardly consider himself overly experienced, based on the fact he'd only had two partners and not a lot of additional experience beyond that, or them. He suspected some of his teammates equaled his sum total of sexual experience in any given week.
Yeah that was probably true, and if meeting women wasn't hard enough on it's own, hooking up with one became almost comical. Which was sad really, in its own pathetic way. It was just all kinds of confusing.
Then again, according to his cousin; he was too nice, too polite, and much too accommodating. "C'mon cuz, you need to realize that 'NO' has multiple meanings and only rarely does it actually mean 'Stop right now, we are done here!'
Jordan had to agree with his cousin, after all he'd probably still be a virgin if she hadn't seduced him that last weekend before she returned to University.
Which led to a very strange, boot camp-like initiation into the art and practice of 'How to please a woman.' The course was taught by his cousin's mom(his aunt by marriage, though his aunt and uncle were long divorced.) Aunt Helen's appetites were voracious, varied, and intensely oral. And while at times somewhat off-putting — in some ways Jordan felt he'd been taken advantage of, after the fact — overall, it was awesome. Yet, confusing in it's own unique way.
Yes, he was on the receiving end of some pretty awesome blowjobs. Blow jobs that ended with a pearl necklace, a facial, or Aunt Helen swallowing. But the blowjobs only lasted (or, more accurately he only lasted) 5 minutes or so. Then she'd demand, 'this is a teaching moment Jordan', 30 to 40 minutes of him going down on her. And they only fucked on the last day before he left for University. To be sure, they did fuck three times that last day. Then, adding to his confusion was Aunt Helen bursting into tears as he drove away.
Strangely, even those confusing times were missed. And after seven weeks of 'just Jordan time', those Aunt Helen times were now dearly missed. He sighed to himself, women were really confusing.
And then there was the encounter from this very afternoon, Jordan was sitting at a table, reading a textbook for lack of something else to do, when for a brief shining moment he thought his college life was going to change - for the better. A really cute girl had approached him, her smile engaging and encouraging, she even put her hand on his forearm when she asked him if he had plans for later. For a brief, brilliant moment he saw himself being invited to a party, to which he would escort this lovely woman. But upon saying, 'No, I have no plans for tonight', he was asked to volunteer. "We're in desperate need of help at our haunted house, it's for kids, please say yes, you'd be perfect, you really would. So please say 'yes.' Pretty please?"
And he'd said 'yes.' He'd said 'yes' to please her. He'd said 'yes' hoping there might be more to all of this, whatever it was, than she was actually saying. But that was not the case, which made the invitation to a more adult themed Halloween party, an invitation he had declined, that much more ironic. But he'd agreed to help, he's given his word, and his honesty and integrity were important to him. So with a last wave to his teammates, he was on his way.
Twenty minutes later Jordan had been led to the center of the theatre, where a scene befitting a crazy mad scientist had been created. During the walk over, Jordan had enough time to finally decode all of the signs his inviter had been sending all along, telling one and all (and finally Jordan) that she thoroughly enjoyed and was only interested in non-traditional(aka, a man is not necessary for my happiness, or my future) relationships. Realization was slowly dawning for Jordan that his teammates understood University life far better than he.
The girl who invited him to volunteer called out, "Hey Crys, all is not lost, I found you The Monster."
A disembodied voice call out in reply, "I sure as hell hope he's big. If he's not big enough, then we might have to cancel the...oh shit, you are a big one. You will definitely do. Yeah, I think you'll do just fine."
"Hi, I'm Jor..."
"Perfect, no need to audition, the part is yours. You don't have a problem with being tied up do you?" That line was delivered with a leer that had Jordan looking around for the nearest exit. Then she laughed and reassured him that everything was fine, 'I was just messing with you, big guy.' She went on to explain her expectations of his role, as The Monster. Once he was properly prepared, he would be strapped to the very table of his horribly gone wrong creation, this violation of life, adrift in unending agony, forced to provide candy to those children brave enough to say, 'Trick or Treat.'
"What if I need to pee or something?" In truth, Jordan wasn't really concerned about bathroom accessibility, it was being strapped to the table that bothered him. He was only slightly, but undeniably claustrophobic.
"Look, the strap on your right arm is just on your arm - okay? When your arm is by your side, it looks like you're strapped to the table. There won't be any problems when you reach for the candy to give it to the kids...if they're still there." Crystal was getting desperate. Three people playing scary characters had cancelled, she absolutely needed a big guy to be 'THE MONSTER' and Jordan was perfect - primarily because he was here and he was certainly big.
"Tell you what, how about we do this, we'll fix it so that the only strap holding you to the table will be the torso strap, with the buckle positioned so its accessible to you. It'll give you more mobility, but you'll have to be more mindful of your balance. How's that sound?"
"I can do that..." he was going to say he was happy to help out, and that Halloween was one of his favorite holidays, but Crystal stopped all that with an immediate "Perfect, go get you costume put together, then go see about makeup, what Thuee can accomplish will depend upon the time available. Oh, and since you brought it up, you might want to hit the bathroom first, welcome aboard." And she turned away from him before he could say much of anything. He watched as she walked off in search of another crisis to resolve.
Jordan wandered in the direction pointed until a cardboard sign indicated his destination. There were three girls in the room and they all turned at his entry. He raised a hand in greeting, "Hi, I'm Jordan, Crystal told me to come here, I'm playing 'The Monster?' She said something about a costume and then going to makeup?"
The three girls looked at him, sighed, and beckoned him closer. One of the girls grabbed a measuring tape and walked Jordan over to a full length mirror. "The Monster, huh? Okay. Let's see how tall you are - shit, I can't reach that high. Do you know how much you weigh? Well we can probably find you something, but as big as you are, you'll probably have to take all that shit off. Yeah, what you're wearing won't work at all, totally inappropriate.
"Amber will help you get into a more suitable costume, and Thuee will do your makeup." Her phone buzzed, she glanced down at it, "Shit, you've got to be kidding me — why is this shit happening now?!" She turned to walk out the door, as her thumbs danced in answer. She paused at the door and spoke right at Jordan, "Don't give my girls any trouble Jordan, or I'll rip you a new one. And start taking off those ridiculous clothes, you can't be 'The Monster' and be looking like some lame ass socal surfer dude - 'hey bro, yo.' I mean really, what were you thinking our theme is, The Monster Goes Hawaiian?"
Jordan started to call out to explain or clarify the whole clothes thing (I literally just volunteered, I barely had time to drop my stuff off in my room and get something to eat, I volunteered to help you, nothing was said about costumes, I'm doing this mostly because she was cute, and I'm seriously beginning to reconsider this whole volunteering thing) but Amber grabbed his arm and said, "We are in a serious time crunch here big guy. You need to move it."
Jordan looked at Amber, then he looked for the girl on the phone who was no longer there, whoever she was, and wherever she had gone off to. Amber clapped her hands, "C'mon, let's do this Sasquatch."
The 6'5" Jordan glared at the girl, who didn't flinch in the slightest. "Save it your studworthiness. I mean seriously, is that the best you got? Shit, I had to grow up with three older brothers and all of their idiot, perverted, stoned age, primate friends - so save it. C'mon, let's see what we have, how big are you again?"
Jordan capitulated, watching her walk off amongst the racks of clothing. He began to undress, calling out, "I'm 6'5" and about 240 or 245."
From somewhere else in the room he heard the distant voice, rich with exasperation, "Will you just take that stuff off already? Jeez, a little cooperation, huh?"
Shoes, socks, shirt, shorts, and underwear were removed and placed on a nearby chair. It there was one thing he'd experienced again and again since arriving at University, it was strip and wait for the nurse, strip and wait for the doctor, strip and wait, strip and wait, for the who or whatever - just strip and wait.
