I am a very privileged working-class hero. My situation was born of tragedy with good fortune attached. I don't mean to sound callous. I am well acquainted with tears and heartache. But time passes and I moved on. Such is the way of life. However, my circumstances are rare and I try not to lose sight of that.
I was thirty when my grandparents died. They had raised me after my mom succumbed to cancer so I grew up in their picturesque but modest Ft Lauderdale home. It is shaded by a Banyon tree and towering palms, and in back there is a small pool off the lanai. Now, I am thirty-three and it is all mine. And it came with a financial inheritance sufficient to cover my personal overhead for the rest of my life, but not quite enough for pocket change.
For that, I have a solo lawn care business that keeps me just busy enough. Lawn care is great exercise and has the dual benefit of flexible hours and outside work. Having been raised in Ft. Lauderdale, outdoors is where my life happens. Patio bars on the waterfront and world-class sidewalk cafes. Plus the beach! Plus my boat out on the Gulf Stream! Why go indoors? Sometimes I even sleep outside beside my pool.
One day I got a call from a buddy who runs an apartment moving company. He was one man short for a job the next day and begged me to jump in. "Same deal as always. Just don't mention what I pay you to the other guys." Hard work. I like that. Cash money. I love that.
There were three of us and we made quick work of moving the furniture from a storage unit into the 23rd-floor beachfront condo in Boca. The customer was a fifties-something gay man. His sexuality was entirely speculative on our part. He was small, although very fit, with carefully cropped white hair. Maybe his manicured, lacquered fingernails were a bit long, but that was common among successful single men of a certain age. He was a bit fussy, too, hovering over the placement of every chair, sofa, and table. So we figured it was a good bet he was gay. But that was just an observation, not a judgment. We were cool with whatever. When you take a person's every possession from one domicile to another, you get a rather intimate glimpse into their life. It's just a game we play.
All doubt was put to bed, however, when we started carrying in his framed pictures and statuary. As we unwrapped the cardboard packaging there emerged a gallery of male-oriented art; some erotic, some outright carnal, but the theme of every piece was men.
One of my colleagues joked under his breath, "I should be wearing a condom just to handle this stuff."
"Don't even start with that shit," I said with a sternness that shocked the others. We looked over to see that the customer had overheard the entire exchange. As I carried a piece past him he whispered a thank you.
As we were getting ready to go, the customer said, "Hold it. We're missing a piece."
The guy in charge asked, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, of course. It's a statue the size of me. I would notice if it were here."
A call to the warehouse confirmed that the statue was in the storage unit next to the one that had been packed full with the rest of his stuff. A communication breakdown. SNAFU.
It made sense that I would be the one to deliver that last piece since my truck was parked at the warehouse and I would pass relatively close past his condo on my way home. We apologized and I assured the gentleman I would return within an hour.
With the help of one of the guys, we laid it into my truck bed and secured it for the ride. It was wrapped in a packing blanket that was then sheathed within two layers of thick cardboard. I threw in a dolly and headed into the South Florida rush hour traffic.
It was longer than the promised hour by the time I knocked at his door. When he answered I noticed he had grabbed a shower and changed into some old shorts and a faded Hawaiian shirt. He also wielded a hammer in one hand.
"Sorry it took so long. Traffic." I said as I entered. "I hope that's not for me."
He looked at me quizzically until I pointed to the hammer. "Oh, heavens no," he laughed. "I was just hanging some pictures. I'm Jonathon, by the way, but call me Jon. And thank you for ... earlier, you know ..."
"No worries, Jon. I'm Marc." We shook. "Young kids these days got no manners. Now where are we going with this thing."
"The statue is going to the fireplace hearth. Do you need some help?"
I scoffed and wheeled it easily into the living room. He had been busy since we had left and most of the artwork was hung. The guy had good taste though it did lean to the prurient side.
"Actually," he said a little sheepishly, "I have one rather large picture I could use some help with. Would you mind?"
The hook was already set into the wall of the Dining Room and we each grabbed a corner of the frame. It was almost 5 feet wide and over 3 feet high so catching the wire on the hook was pretty tricky, but we finally got it hung and level. That was when I took a good look at it.
Jon said, "It's really more a conversation piece than art, I suppose."
"Really? I can't remember anything like that painting ever coming up in conversation."
It was a depiction of the Garden of Eden unlike anything I'd ever seen before. Eve clearly had a penis.
Jon appreciated my humor. "I imagine not. But some believe that the Bible tells the story of the second Garden of Eden. The tale of the original Garden is all but forgotten."
"Another thing that never came up in conversation."
"But it's true. When God realized that Adam would be lonely he made another man and named him Evan. Adam and Evan were a perfect pair. They were literally made for each other. The garden provided everything they needed and in each other they had everything they wanted. They discovered so much pleasure in each other that they frolicked endlessly. When God returned, He found things exactly as He had left them. No progress. No creative development. This displeased him mightily. So He banished Evan into a closet east of Eden and he created the first woman, Eve. Sure, there was some pleasure to be found, but it was never the same for Adam."
"But shit got done."
"Exactly. Once Eve showed up the happiness level went down but productivity went up."
I gave him a sympathetic pat on the back. "The price we pay for progress." I left him to ruminate about the tradeoff as I got out my box cutter and started to remove the packing around the statue. What was revealed was a 6-foot-tall replica of Michelangelo's David with one exception. In this version, David was aroused and all the criticism of the small penises in ancient art was repudiated by his rather prodigious hard-on. I found it funny and laughed. Jon chuckled and asked, "What do you think?"
"I think I should be very careful how I handle it." With that, I grabbed the statue by the waist to avoid the rock-hard erection. Then I made a point of showing off my power by hoisting it at arm's length and gently placing it on the hearth.
"Oh, be careful ... Oh, my, you must be very strong. That is a very heavy piece."