First of all I am so very sorry that it has taken me soooo long to get this out to you all...My health is not fabulous and life has a bad habit of getting in the way.
So here is the next part of my little story and I so hope that you all continue read this and then maybe reach a hand out to someone whom you know or maybe suspect has had a "tough" time of things.
Blessings
Taylor
*
Try as I may I couldn't stop time and it seemed to fly by because before I knew it we were on the way to my appointment. I let Mike drive because my brain was otherwise occupied with keeping my body from leaping out of the moving vehicle and running down the road like a mad man. Every now and then Mike would reach for my hand and gently rub my knuckles trying to convey comfort and his touch meant everything to me.
A nasty little voice reminded me though that when he heard "everything" he would be too disgusted to touch me ever again and that would be something that I knew in my heart I just wouldn't survive. It could be the brightest, sunniest day ever; I could have given one of my patients the news that they were in remission but I felt like this rain cloud was following me wherever I went just waiting to drown me. No one knew it was there because if I kept moving and smiling surely I could fool them and I could fool myself into thinking that for one minute I could be just like them.
The scenery passed by in a blur of color and all too soon we were pulling into the parking lot. Taking a deep trembling breath it took all my willpower to make my hand open the car door and if Mike hadn't been there holding my hand I would have spilled bonelessly to the ground. I glanced at Mike. "So...this is it then." I looked up at the benign brick building and wondered what tortures awaited me inside.
Going inside we found the correct office on the directory and rode the elevator up to the third floor. Once again I turned to Mike for comfort and without saying a word he wrapped me in his arms. "You have to believe in me, in us..It's all going to be ok. I love you Taylor." I felt tears fill my eyes at those sweet words and kissed him hard on the lips. Taking his hand in mine we went inside.
Dr Aimes offered his hand to shake and we all moved into his office. He took out a notebook and a small tape recorder. He must have noticed my nervous glance because he reassured me that it was to make sure he took accurate notes for my file. I had no idea where to begin or even what to say so I waited quietly for something to happen.
"So Taylor why don't you tell me why you're here today. You told me over the phone that you had some things in your past that you felt were holding you back, so let's start there shall we?" He looked at me expectantly. I opened my mouth to start but he silenced me with a wave of his hand. Looking at Mike he said " Now I am sure you know that these times between all of us are confidential so I need your assurance that the things said in this room will go no further and if I ask you to leave you will do so without question."
Mike's mouth dropped open at that and he looked like he was going to rip Dr Aimes a new one so I stepped in on his behalf. "Listen you can trust Mike because I do, with my life and if things get...well ugly then don't worry, he knows when to leave it to us..ok?"
I took the small nod from Dr Aimes was a sign to begin once again but I still stumbled over the words. Talking about these kinds of details was one thing with Mike but this guy was a stranger, a qualified therapist but still a stranger. I ran my hands through my hair and looking at the carpet I started.
"I was abused by my father from when I was eight until I was fifteen. It wasn't just sexual it was also I guess what you'd call mental torture. After a while the sex part became my normal life and I found ways to deal with it but it's the other stuff that still haunts me and I need you to help me to put this shit down and leave it behind once and for all." My breath came out in a rush and I felt the vomit rise to my throat but I choked it back and waited for a response.
When there wasn't one I looked up, surprised. I expected to see disgust or sympathy but instead there was only compassion. He lent forward and looked straight at me. "Taylor I need you to be extremely honest with me now, have you ever tried to hurt yourself? Now or in the past? Because if you're having those kinds of thoughts I can give you some medication."
I knew then instantly that I could trust him with my darkest secrets. "I did..try. But that was when I was still a kid and I haven't tried it again. To be perfectly frank when this is all over I may start thinking about it once more but I have Mike now, I'm not alone any more." I stood and lifted my shirt to display the deep scar in my chest. It hadn't been that hard or that painful. Just one hard push with a sharp knife and then a wonderful floating sensation.
Dr Aimes made notes in his book and motioned for me to sit. "So how old were you when you tried that? And why then? What happened that made you really want to die?" He sat back and waited patiently. I shook my head slightly and stood to pace around the small office, which now felt like it was suffocating me.
"I can't...I'm not sure I can tell you about that." I felt my head spin and I knew I had to sit down or fall down.
Mike was instantly beside me and drew me back to his protective arms but I moved away and knelt in front of Dr Aimes. "Don't you see, if I tell you about that day then it will end me. The mountain that I have been holding back will come tumbling down and I will drown." Because my legs wouldn't hold my weight I stayed sitting on the floor. "What if I tell you all of this and I don't come back? Mike...there's Mike now and my patients..What will happen to everyone who depends on me to be there?"
Dr Aimes moved to place a hand on my shoulder. "Now is not the time to be thinking about anyone but you Taylor. You need to be selfish in order to get through this. Listen I don't know the details but obviously what happened has changed who you are and there will be parts of your past that will always be with you but I can teach you how to take your power back. That's what abuse, any kind of abuse is all about, power. Someone looses some and someone takes it away from them. It's the control over another human being that creates the thrill and in the majority of cases it usually ends up in a death. So let's take baby steps ok? But we need to start somewhere..Your choice."
I went back to sitting beside Mike because I needed his closeness. His hand rubbed my back and that gave me the courage to begin. "We had an old well in our back yard. Now I'm sure it wasn't that deep but it sure felt that way when he would put me in there. It was dark and always freezing cold and he would use it as extra punishment if I wasn't "good" or just simply because the son-of-a-bitch was evil. Just to spice things up he would catch snakes and often bugs and I would hear them moving around and they would crawl on me." I looked up at the ceiling, desperate for the strength to go on and actually surprised that I was still alive. I was told that if I shared our "little secret" to anyone, death would be swift and immediate and I had come to believe that with all of my heart. Maybe he was lying about other things too?
"One night I had been down there for such a long time and the moon came out from behind some clouds. I made the mistake of opening my eyes and there were cockroaches everywhere. I remember screaming for so long that I guess I passed out because when I woke up I was laying in our backyard." I stood again and bolted from the room with my hand over my mouth searching desperately for the restroom.
I heard the door open. "Taylor? Babe are you ok?" Mike asked quietly. I couldn't look at him. I felt dirty and used and ashamed. He reached to touch me but I went to the sink to wash my face and get rid of the bile that remained in my mouth.
