Wishful Thining

Hi again everyone. If you are looking to "get off" then this is not the story for you. This is an ongoing challenge for me to finish this and I have been putting it off but no longer...It gets ugly and dark and some of it I find hard to believe ever happened because in spite of it all...Here I am. Still standing. Most of all I just pray that if you read this and have been through abuse of any kind please believe you are not alone.

The human spirit can still triumph in the face of great adversity and that's what makes us living miracles.

So, here it is!

Blessings

Taylor.

*

Taylor.

I sat, wide awake for the remainder of the evening paralyzed with fear after agreeing with Mike to finally work through the events of my past. I glanced down at Mike; jealous of his peaceful slumber then chided myself for being a prick. It wasn't his fault that my life was so screwed up and deep down inside I knew it wasn't mine but a mean little voice kept on reminding me that in some sick way I deserved it all...the beatings, the torture and the abuse.

I needed to find myself a good therapist and I had no idea where to start. After finally being old enough to leave I moved into my own place and cut myself off from anything and everyone in my past. I threw myself into my studies and eventually got my degree and became an oncologist, specializing in pediatric cancers. I rationalized it all by telling myself that it was to help others but truthfully I think the child I was trying to save was me.

I was terrified of my colleagues finding out that there was a crazy in their midst so I would have to think of some way to get help but get time off work too. I had a lot of vacation time coming so maybe that would be my lie, that I was on an island somewhere enjoying the sun with my guy when in truth I was deep in a black hole screaming to get out.

Mike gave me his word that no matter what he would stand by me but I had my doubts. I had shared some minor things with him and he looked as though he was going to throw up so what would his reaction be when it all came spewing out? I found it so hard to really let myself trust others so I fought constantly against my instincts to run but at long last I had found my soul mate and I would do anything to keep him including dealing with things that I had buried for years.

The next day I was on call but didn't have to actually go into work so I made some discreet calls and found someone whom I thought would be good for me and called to make an appointment. I thought that maybe it wouldn't be for a few months but no such luck. I was scheduled for the same day at 2.30pm. With trembling hands I set the phone back on it's cradle. So this was it! There was no getting away from it now, not unless of course that by some miracle I would get struck by a speeding car or maybe an anvil would fall on me from a great height like in a roadrunner cartoon.

Mike moaned lightly in his sleep and changed positions allowing my eyes more access to his sleeping form. I took a moment to drink him in. The tousled hair and that yummy little dent at the base of his spine that he so loved me to lick. His arms and legs were covered in a silky fine down of dark hair and there was just enough on is chest so I had to search for his nipples with my tongue like a sensual game of hide and seek.

Tears gathered in my eyes as I looked upon the one man who had finally allowed me to let some of the wall down that I had so carefully constructed to shield me from further hurts. I didn't know what I had done to deserve him but if it took cutting off my left arm to keep him then I would do that too. I knew that as long as I stayed stuck I would always be powerless and I hated that more than I was scared.

I was a grown man now and I needed to suck it up and make my life mine again. Hopefully I would survive it all mentally intact and not end up a blithering idiot in a padded cell somewhere. In some of my darkest moments I truly wished for numbness to take over and then it would finally be done. But I had my Michael now and that was worth everything to me and as much as he loved me I'm sure he would prefer to have an actual conversation with someone that wasn't drooling all over himself!

We still laughed about things like that but it was tinged with a little fear and it was the kind of laugh that said It's all funny until its real, then what do we do? Mike flippantly brushed it off but I knew that he was just as scared as I was of this all going horribly wrong.

I left him to sleep and went and took a scaldingly hot shower to blast the thoughts out of my head and clear my mind for the journey ahead. I quickly dried and dressed and made us both breakfast complete with some daisies from our garden. God I was such a sap! But apparently Mike finds that quality cute so who am I to argue?

I put the food onto a tray and carried it quietly to our bedroom. I really wanted to just watch Mike sleep but I also needed his comfort too to quell my fears about my impending appointment with doom. I didn't realize how late it was in the day so any ideas I had to "wake" him up would have to wait a while. Still, a little tongue bath couldn't hurt?

I set the tray on our dresser and made my way over to his sleeping form and gently lowered myself onto the bed. He shifted slightly but then settled and I started to suckle on his earlobe. Every part of him seemed to have a taste all of it's own. I nuzzled my lips along the hollow of his neck and unable to help myself I lightly touched his shoulders and back with my hands.

It didn't matter how many times a day I saw Mike; I just couldn't get enough of him. I finally knew what it was like to love someone with everything that was in me and to have them love me back warts and all. It still took my breath away and made my heart almost ache with the intensity of it all.

I slid the sheet so it was completely off his body and licked and sucked my way to the top of his ass, then I moved my body to cover his and laced our fingers together. I hadn't known I was crying until I head Mike mumble something about a wet ear. I quickly wiped the wetness from my cheeks and turned my head.

Mike was now fully awake and rolled around underneath me until we were facing each other. His eyes registered his concern. "Baby? What's wrong? What is it?" He truly hated to see me upset in any way and would always try to fix things, but there are some things that you just can't.

I shook my head slightly and buried my head into his shoulder just hoping he would let it go but he loved me and according to him it was his job to heal me in any way that he could. "Come on, tell me...Please?"

I could not deny him. I sighed heavily and spoke the thing out loud that I was most afraid to say.

"I did it. I have an appointment today. At 2.30pm. With a..You know..A therapist." The lump of terror in my throat prevented any more words. God help me. Mike knew the enormity of this statement and wrapped me up tightly, rubbing my back with his beautiful hands, trying hard to make it ok.

Before any more tears could fall I cleared my throat and moved to get the tray of food I had prepared.

"Ta-da!" I beamed at Mike as his eyes widened with delight. All his favorites plus flowers. He loved my romantic side. He lent forward to sniff at the feast then proceeded to devour it with gusto. I joined in but tasted nothing. I made all the right noises and nodded my head in agreement with his assessment that it was great but I was lying.

I had become so good that it scared me. Does it hurt? Nope. How are you doing? Great! Is everything ok? Fine thanks! I had tried to kill myself once. My mother had taken me to "see" someone but my mouth told lies and I couldn't do anything about it. There was a dirty black secret inside me that I was convinced everyone could see. I wondered if the ache would go away if only I could cut it out and bury it deep in the ground where so many of my other secrets had gone.

I wasn't successful of course, one more thing to fail at but oh what attention it got me. So this is what I had to do to get someone to notice that I was dead inside. After that everyone treated me differently. People spoke in whispers and tiptoed around when what I really wanted was for someone to save me.

"Babe? Where'd you go? I lost you for a minute." Mike's voice broke through and brought me back.

"Nothing. Just thinking..You know about this afternoon. We haven't really talked about how we're going to do this. The thing is, I want you there but Mike there are some things...." My voice croaked into silence. There are some things what? That would make even the strongest stomach turn and roll. That when you hear the words you can't quite believe that that kind of evil is allowed to exist in the same world you live in?

Mike took my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. Those eyes. Those eyes that looked at me with such compassion. "Let's not make any rules ok? We'll play it all by ear and see where it leads us. No matter what..You know I'm here." He lent in to take my lips with his and for a moment all was right with the world.

*

This is where I'm stopping for a minute....There is more coming but it's going to take a little while so please be patient with me. I haven't "gone" here for a while and I had forgotten how dark things get but keep reading because obviously things turn out ok.

Also thank you to those who wrote messages about Sean. That means a great deal to me...bless you!

Hugs

Taylor.