"It's ok. You can tell me anything," he would say as he wrapped his arms around me giving me much needed comfort.
Well that's how it went in my dream anyway. Unfortunately real life is not something we get to control and the look of total disgust on Wesley's face as I told him that I was HIV positive was enough to make me physically ill.
His bags were packed the next day and off he went to break another poor slob's heart. I on the other hand sunk into total despair and self-pity. Yes I know, I know that's not going to help but boy it sure felt great and very justified!
I went about my days at work like a robot, (I work at a hospital by the way) until my patients started to notice I was not myself and began asking questions. Those I had known for a while knew I was gay and started making little comments like "So doc which one of these hospital hunks broke your heart"?
They were not far wrong!
I didn't have to disclose my status to the hospital but I found myself becoming extra careful about contact with patients and I knew there was no way in hell they would get "it" that way but I just couldn't help myself.
My dearest friend in the world finally cornered me and pretty much demanded to know what my problem was. Ok that's it...I totally lost it. "My problem? My problem?!! I'll tell you what my bloody problem is" I screamed in his face. " I found out last month that I am HIV positive and your mate, my now ex-boyfriend walked out because he was too disgusted to stay! That's what my problem is"!! Before Mike could say anything I stormed off.
Whenever I find myself loosing control the first place I head to is the beach. It was just the way I like it, stormy looking and gray. In my scrubs I started to run as fast as I could up and down the beach like a total idiot. Luckily for me Mike knew where I would be and stopped me before I could either pass out or throw up.
His arms went around me and his fingers stroked my hair. Now this was how Wesley was supposed to react I told myself. "Just do it" He whispered, giving me the permission to cry that I would never give myself. I sobbed like a baby at the unfairness of life and the brokeness of my heart. We sat together for hours afterwards talking and watching the sinking sun.
Mike reached out and gently took my hand in his. "You know, he said quietly "I would never treat you like Wesley did."
My mouth fell open at the implication of that whispered statement. I turned slowly towards Mike and for the first time in our seven years together as the two musketeers I really looked at him. His soul swam in his eyes and the sweet way his top lip curled when he smiled. Why did I not see this before? That's what comes from looking with your eyes and not your heart.
Trusting that he meant what he said I leant in and took his face in my hands and brought our lips together in a time-stopping kiss. At first I think we were both shocked that we were actually kissing but then true feelings took over and we were powerless to stop.
A small moan escaped Mike and I knew he was feeling the same things I was. Drawing back all I did was look questioningly at him and he tugged on my hand in response. Pulling me to my feet Mike enveloped me against his chest and judging by how fast his heart was racing this meant as much to him as it did to me.
I looked up into those beautiful green eyes and saw nothing but trust and love. I had a million questions but I didn't want to know the answers to any of them. One of Mike's biggest gripes against me was that I was always over-analyzing everything, that I never went with the flow so the fact that I was now about to make love with my best friend should make him very proud!
A smile spread across my face at this thought and he actually blushed! I guess he was thinking the same thing! Well they say great minds think alike. He bent his head to mine and captured my lips once more this time with more insistence and passion. We both became instantly hard and went on autopilot rubbing against each other.
This time it was me who broke the kiss. Breathing hard and with flushed cheeks I managed to pant out "If we take this much further I am going to throw you down and rape you here on the sand"! Mike wiggled his eyebrows in a comical response. "I've always wanted to make love in the great outdoors". Trying very hard to keep my hands to myself I led Mike over to where our cars were parked.
"Ok well as talented as you are obviously are you can't come with me and drive your car so let's meet at my place ok"? Mike nodded in agreement and even though it was only ten minutes to my house it seemed to take forever. I hadn't even turned the car off and Mike was there dragging me out and carrying me to my front door. We managed to get inside the house with minimum fondling. He turned serious for a moment and deposited me gently on my couch.
"I want this to be for always not just some fling so you can get Wesley out of your system. I have loved you from the first moment our eyes met and as much as it will hurt then if this can't be forever I don't want it."
The thought of hurting Mike made my blood run cold. Commitment didn't scare me but the thought of leaving Mike alone did. I wasn't sick yet but what if....?
Mike took my long pause as a sign that the answer was no and stood to go. My heart was screaming "for God's sake don't let him leave" and my head was telling me quite calmly that he needed a healthy person to fall in love with. Hey I said I was a Dr I never said I was smart when it came to doing the right thing for love.
I could deal with the pain of my own loneliness but having Mike hurting like that was something that I could not deal with. I opened my mouth to say all of this just as the door quietly closed. Ok what just happened? If I were a violent person I would have beaten the shit out of myself!
I ran to the door and flung it open just as Mike was backing out of the driveway and began to chase him. Then there was an awful screeching sound, a blinding pain in my lower half and....nothing.
Why is my hand aching? Peeling my eyes open I found the source of my discomfort. Mike had a death grip on my left hand that was slowly turning my fingers blue. "Ease up a bit will ya." I croaked out and discovered that yes you can swallow razor blades and survive.
Mike jumped to his feet and bought some ice chips to my mouth. Tears leaked slowly from the corners of his eyes and I longed to reach out and wipe them away but my body wouldn't obey. Mike sagged tiredly in his chair and looked like he couldn't decide whether to slap me or hug me.
"Why did you go and do such a bloody stupid thing like that for"? He asked roughly. And lent down before I could reply and kissed me. I opened my eyes and looked directly into his exhausted green ones.
"I was stopping you from leaving actually...I guess it worked huh". I tried dismally to smile but I couldn't pull it off. "The reason I didn't answer you before was because the thought of leaving you alone hurt worse than not having you in my life and Mike what if I get sick, I don't want you playing nurse maid to me when you should be enjoying your life."
