Chapter 4 - Jumping
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"Man," Tito Jon was saying after lunch, as we piled into his rented moving truck. "I feel for you, buddy. That's quite the situation to find yourself in."
I shivered. "Yeah, you're telling me. It caused irreparable damage to our relationship."
The cold tore into me, making it hard to find my zipper to close my coat. Having graciously paid for my impending labour, we began to make the tedious trip from Alta Vista to Bayshore. To his new apartment on the ninth floor of some building. Fuck me, it was gonna be a long day of moving.
"Fuck," I muttered to nobody in particular soon after he'd merged into the thick, bleeding vein of the highway. "Like...he's a good kid. Innocent. I didn't want to ruin what we had." Jonathan made a non-committal noise, and it was a loaded couple of minutes before he said anything more.
"But...that wasn't the case later?" There was...concern in his eyes; in his normally unreadable face.
"No. It wasn't." I pressed my hand against the window, and watched my handprint vanish into the glass. Beyond it, the cars piddled by, like ducks in a horrible, slushy stream.
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It was weird being around Josh, knowing he'd been the one to spy on me and Rory that night. Work was as normal as could be; we showed up for our respective jobs in that building. Did our little tasks. I still talked to Josh at the end of his shifts, but he avoided my eyes like he was embarrassed to look at me.
It felt, simply put, bad to tread on eggshells with Josh. The thought killed me; now there was this huge unspeakable stain between us. But what was I to have done? Called him out for watching me fuck, in the workplace? Where I was unquestionably not meant to be fucking at? Yeah. A lose-lose situation.
At some point, though, something in the air must have cleared, because Josh bounded up to me one day; his long legs carried him like he walked over clouds, without once stumbling.
"Nate!" he called with a wave when he spotted me sitting on the hood of my car. Like we hadn't been awkwardly toeing around each other for the last two-ish weeks. On his face, he wore a broad yet curious smile. Like he had a secret to save.
"Hey, buddy," I said, tipping my drink towards him. "You look like you have good news for me." He came to a stop in front of me, and his small smile just grew wider.
It was a tragically rare sight to see Josh Beckett smiling and happy. I'm a simple guy; I wanted my friends to be happy. I wanted...I wanted Josh specifically to be happy. More than that. But I had to pull myself in from that train of thought.
His brown eyes sparkled with warmth when he said the words, "I have a date." I was so excited for him that any weird avoidance I had during the past two weeks melted away in an instant. Sliding off my car, I went in for the hug, smacking him square between the shoulder blades.
"Josh! My man! That is good news!" I tightened my hold on him--and when I went to pull away, I was stopped by his arms around me too. Just for a second. Just one second. But I pulled myself away, to look up at him. His beaming face. "So! Tell me about her!"
He cast his eyes down to the ground, and scratched at his jaw. "Actually...it's a guy."
When I tell you that I had the weirdest feeling come over me at that moment.... It was a heavy mix of something like pride, happiness, and a sick, bilious twinge of envy or something like it that came into my gut. It filled my lungs. I had been the one to suggest it to him, and yet a tiny part of me wanted to shake him and say it'd been a joke. Man. Why did I hate when he did the things I told him to do?
"My b, dude," I said instead, shaking myself free from the confusing twist of feelings. "Tell me about him then! Where'd you meet?"
His smile was quiet, bashful; like he had a bubble of energy inside him but he was afraid to let it issue forth. "On...on Growlr, actually." My heart wanted to stop.
"The app for fat guys?" The one I used. How hadn't I seen him?
"Yeah...." Our eyes met, and it was so frighteningly electric, he had to look away. "Well, I mean, uh...I think...I mean, I'm not the most fit guy in the world, and...you and a lot of other guys have said Grindr is full of mean people, so...." He shrugged helplessly, his eyes fixed on the asphalt below us. "Anyway, I think the guys on there are...hot."
Josh had come over to me with his phone already loaded up with this guy's profile, because like we were in a damn fucking movie, he lifted up his screen to show me right away. I let out a puff of air. Guy had a shirtless pic, and I was surprised; he was a real big guy. So hot, totally sexy; I just didn't think Josh was the type.
"Okay, dude!" I said through a grin. "He's hot! And surprisingly, not someone I've hooked up with." Josh's face went stiff at that. "It was a joke! Man, you'll kill it. Where are you going?"
"Sushi, then bowling at West Park." His little smile and his eyes were faraway; dream-like. "He said he's gonna pick me up tonight at seven...I hope I can find something to wear...!" He continued on. It was clear as day that he was so much more optimistic and excited about his first date with a man than he had ever been before a date with a woman.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that it could easily go just as badly if he choked with this guy too, like he had with everyone else. All I could do was to grip him by the shoulders and tell him he'd succeed.
"And listen," I was finishing off saying; "if it goes bad, you just let me know, dude. I'll kick his ass for you."
He rolled his eyes. "Nate. You don't need to do all of th--"
"I am fully fucking serious, Josh," I cut him off. "You don't know just how much I want you to be happy." His smile faltered, a quiver at the corner. "You...deserve it, man--" It was his turn to cut me off then, because he threw his arms around me in a hug. I was pressed between his surprisingly solid arms and his soft, pillowy chest and...I was warm. I felt...so warm.
"Love you, Nate," he murmured.
