What'll I Do?

Merry Christmas from Tahiti!

Thank you again for reading and please keep writing the comments. -L

***

I was not sure what happened. I woke up in Thanael's office.

"Are you okay?" a voice asked. I looked up, it was Thanael.

"What happened? Did I get the job?" At least I remembered some of the interview.

"Well, you fainted. You got me worried there."

"Well...what!? I fainted? How embarrassing. Wait, you're moving to London!"

Suddenly, it all came back. How could I be so sentimental to assume that Thanael would take me back.

"I'm sorry, I did not intend for you to find out about it this way," he blushed. "And I swear I did not mean to hurt you."

"Thanael, I know that there is no bone in your body that is cruel or cold. You're a good lawyer because of your heart. And I screwed that heart because I am nothing but a whore, a selfish man."

"Nate, you're not a whore. And, I do know that you've been recently dealing with a break up."

Boy did that comment sting! I could only close my eyes.

"I could take the fact that we are no longer together, but you... leaving, being that far...." I started to cry.

"I am so sorry. Please forgive me... Please don't--"

"I have never seen you like this Nate. Do you realize what you are saying? Nate Thompson asking for forgiveness! After all this time you ask me to forgive you? You broke my fucking heart, you broke us!" He was yelling.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, "I recommended you for the job because you are the next best guy for it. I was not doing it to get us back together, but I did it because I still care for you. And I also did it to take care of me. I need to move on, I need to leave this place. Every corner I turn there's a fear that I would see you and no matter what I do... I fear that I would crumble to pieces. It hurts too much Nate. And it's time we've both moved on from each other." Every word carved into my heart. The scars would last.

I left his office. There was nothing else to say.

*

2 months later....

I did not take the offer from Thanael's firm.

I would spend the next few months working more hours than usual. Annette was supportive. I told her what happened. She was silent most of the time. I knew that she wanted to give me a hard time, but her instincts told her otherwise. We have been working on a difficult and disturbing case and I've been staying in the office late every night.

Annette peeked in, "honey, you better get home before that snow storm traps you in here."

"Just one more hour." I responded while I kept staring at my computer screen.

She approached my desk and handed me an envelope, "open it."

"What? Please tell me it's not another last minute shit from the Meyer's firm?" (the other firm)

"Open it," she commanded.

It was a plane ticket....

"To London! But why and no I can't take this, I won't!"

"You need to go there and risk your heart to him.... it is the only way you will both move on from each other." She added.

"What do you mean? How can I move on if I was to go there and meet him? Isn't the point of moving on is to not see each other?" I loved contesting her logic.

"Honey, there's no logic here, but you still love him and he still loves you. You screwed up and you did not give 'him' the chance to decide on anything. You just threw him out on the street and you shacked up with that nasty rude pathetic excuse for a boyfriend. If you love him you will risk your heart and everything else... even if it means that you may never get back together."

Annette was right.

I did not go home that night. There was no way I was going to sleep after that pep talk.

**

"What the fuck!" I woke up. I was asleep on the couch in my office. I felt a very cold spray of water on my face.

"There's coffee, a croissant and a fresh set of clothes on your desk, and your 9am appointment is waiting." Annette was the best, but she was also hard and not a morning person. Rumors say that she used to temp for a convent school. I'm not surprised.

After another whole day of work, I went home and thought about the plane ticket. Then I realized that the flight leaves in 4 hours.

'Do I go? Do I not go? Why am I doing this? Thanael will think I've gone insane and will charge me with harassment and stalking.'

I spent the next hour pacing around the apartment thinking about what Annette said. Was she right?

**

"Flight 231 British Airways is now boarding. We would like to call our business class passengers to please proceed to gate 12. Thank You."

There I was with my guts tied in every possible knot. Risking every ounce of pride, guilt and shame... risking all of my being for the man I love, and the man that I also hurt. If there was a time to trust the uncertainty of tomorrow, this was it.

'Great... the only decent film on this flight was The End of the Affair. It was more than decent, gosh I've read Graham Greene since I was in college. The last thing I wanted was to be sitting in business class crying my eyes out and drinking all of the free liquor.'

The best thing about red eye flights – apart from looking like a mess – I can immediately insert myself into the mourning routine and crash later in the evening. I feel asleep after watching the wretchedly emotional film. I checked into a hotel then made my way to Thanael's firm.

In the cab, I thought about the many times he and I had travelled and stayed in London. His mother was part English and Jewish. The family kept their home in England and Thanael would come here when things got too rough back in New York.

When things got too rough between us.

He also had a habit of running away from our issues. Whereas, I had the habit of running to the closest bar and maybe hookup with some undergrad twink from Ohio.

Thanael always came home. And when he did, we would always have the most amazing make-up sex.

There was that one time: we fought about him representing his cousin's business when it was clear that the situation was tied to the mob. Thanael stayed in London for a week. I went to Los Angeles to be with my half brother.

After one week, we were both at home immersed in silence while eating Chinese take out. The next thing you know.... I was on all fours, squirming and screaming. Thanael was rimming my hole till the the cows came home. He held my ass hostage.

One finger.

Two fingers.

Three fingers.

Four fingers.

My eyes were rolling back and forth. He kept rimming me. I had enough! I turned around and gave him the most passionate kiss I've ever given anyone. It was deep. There was none of this tongue lashing eastern european gay porn kissing shit. It was deep. Each tongue thrust was intentional. We would occasionally look into each other's eyes.

He asked me to lie on my back. He lifted my legs and proceeded to continue rimming me. My eyes were closed. He reached for a kiss. The next thing, he entered me with a gentle push. I received him with my well lubricated and relaxed hole. His cock glided in and out, gradually....

He increased the pace.

He would completely take his cock out and then push it in. This made me gasp. I was breathless.

The entire time we gazed at each other, anticipating each others' next move, intention and desire.

I guess I realized much later, an hour later, an hour of having my ass fucked by a hungry lover, when he came, since he had not cum for a week, he flooded me with his seed, with his lust, with his love.

"Sir, we've arrived." The cab driver announced.

I woke up from my reverie. With a discernible erection showing through my trousers.

"Thank you." I paid the man and walked into the building.

I waited by the reception since it doesn't make sense to make an appointment while I intended to crash visit my ex-lover's office and tell him that I was sorry. Wait, I was not only sorry, but I would do anything to have him take me back.

"Nate. What are you doing here?"

There he was, dressed up in Zegna and looking polished, but his eyes looked tired and as if he, too, have been crying.

"I need to talk to you," a nervous squeak came out of my mouth.

"Okay, do you want to meet in my office or I was just on my way out if you want to go for a walk?"

"Walking is good." I nodded my head.

We walked in silence for 10 minutes. Then....

"I'm sorry for showing up like this. It was--"

He interrupted, "I knew that you were coming. Annette sent me a note. And she also told me about how you felt about the job offer and my move to London."

"I thought she was on my side, the bitch," I said. I needed a comic relief, so did Thanael.

"It's so good to see you again. But, what you did and what happened between us, I just could not flush it out of my system. No matter how much I wanted to resent and hate you, I couldn't." He bowed his head.

"That's the problem. You loved me too much. You should have hated me or had me killed by your mob connected cousin. And I took everything for granted and maybe I am here now because I probably somewhere deep in my subconscious, I still believe that you'd take me back. I'm really sorry and perhaps I just to have say the things I should have said when I hurt you. I do understand why you would want us to be this far apart. But, I want you to know that I still love you. And I took all of that for granted. And it is selfish of me to want all of this back as if nothing happened. I'm sorry."

I was sobbing uncontrollably. Thanael reach and held my hand.

We sat on the bench in a nearby park. The silence was thick with potential energy.