What'll I Do?

Thank you for reading the first part. I made this part a bit longer. The hot sex is coming. Please be patient. Thank you again for reading.

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First Ring.

Was it karma that my ex-boyfriend, the one before Jacob, is calling me now?

Nathanael S., the man that I left behind to be with Jacob.

Nathanael and I have not talked since I broke up with him three years ago.

'What does he want?' I thought to myself.

I am certain he's heard of my break up with Jacob. My paranoia hits me 'maybe he's calling to gloat.'

'But that's not his personality.'

Second Ring.

A tsunami of emotions and memories came flooding into my already confused and partly beaten mind.

There was that time in Vermont, the hot passionate lovemaking in his sister's cabin.

I think it was the only time he and I managed to orgasm so many times that we had convinced ourselves to have Annie Proulx write about us as a sequel to her Brokeback Mountain. The sex was not just amazing, it was heavenly, the only thing broken were our backs.

I smiled.

There was that time when we fought about getting a dog.

I wanted a huge german shephered. He wanted dachshund. We did not talk to each other for over a week. He got the dachshund.

I grinned.

There was that time in Santorini.

We've been living together for over a year and we thought we could spice things up by hooking up with a greek sailor! We didn't have a Grecian God, but we definitely settled for a hot Moroccan college student. That was one hell of an adventure.

I licked my lips.

Then there was that time in....

Third ring.

"Hello." I answer with caution, with trepidation, with guilt.

"Hi Nate."

Yes, the confusion starts here.

We actually have almost similar names.

I'm Nate, just Nate.

He's Nathanael.

He goes by "Thanael." (Than-yael)

We were a good couple. Damn it! We were perfect.

"How have you been?" I asked politely.

"Not good. Tristan as at the vet and they're putting him down." He sounded tired.

Yes, he kept the dog. While I was not against him doing so, but I did miss the dachshund.

"Oh, that's, um... I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

"I'm at the vet and if you want say goodbye, I think I'd appreciate... I meant Tristan would appreciate the gesture. I'll text you the address if you want?"

"Sure. Yeah, listen, I'm sorry." I was not even sure what I was apologizing for. Could this get any more awkward?

"Listen, I gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow. 'k." He sounded desperate.

"Yes, I'll be there. Take it easy, alright." We hang up.

Moments later I received the address of the vet in Brooklyn.

I continued to walk home, which was not far from the very corner I stood, now that I am suddenly reminded, the very corner that I kissed Nathanael on our first date years ago.

Apart from my sad feelings about our dying dog, yes I said "OUR!", I have not recovered from the guilt that ensued after our break up, a painful one, especially for Nathanael since he had given up his apartment to move in with me. And I was the one who eventually threw him out, so I could go pursue my love affair with Jacob.

If this was not karma or fate, then I do not know what it is? It doesn't help being a lapsed Christian, but it felt close to hell.

The first thoughts to arrive in my mind as I entered my apartment, 'who am I to get pissy about Jacob, when I did the same thing to Nathanael?'

The man who proposed to me, only to be denied happiness a couple of weeks later because I was too insecure to find and recognize joy on my side of the fence.

I could only realize now that the grass was greener on the side that I left behind.

*

After an evening of Chinese food, and watching the first season of The Big C, and after cleaning up the tissues filled with tears and crap.

I decided to go to bed.

It was one of those nights when a nice glass of bourbon could help calm the nerves and emotions.

3am.

'Who could be knocking at this time?' I stumbled out of bed in my boxer shorts.

I look through the peephole.

Nathanael. And he looks miserable. I open the door and before I could say anything....

"He's gone, Tristan's gone." He sobbed.

I meet him with a compassionate embrace. I could not help but feel some of the sadness. Afterall, we did raise that dog together.

I led him into the living room. I handed him a glass of bourbon. I got hooked on bourbon because of Thanael. He looked at me. We found ourselves gazing in each other's eyes, searching for answers or searching for the questions that both of us never dared to ask.

"I'm sorry." It was all I could say.

We sat there for about an hour. We had finished the bottle of bourbon.

He gets up. His eyes red. "I'm sorry to disturb you. You know that I rarely breakdown like this." I know and he was right. As a lawyer, he was known for his stoic demeanor in court and in the firm.

I reached for his hand. Surprised by my physical outreach, he could only look at me. Those same eyes that looked at me when I broke things off with him. When I broke us.

"I understand and if you want, you can stay." I offered shyly.

He stood there speechless. Probably thinking of what to do. Oh yes. He was thinking. I know that look.

As he continued to think, I pulled him to my room. I took of his shirt and trousers. I tucked him under the covers. He closed his eyes. He was asleep in no time.

I took the extra blanket from under the bed and was about to walk out when...

"You can stay here, it is your bed." He said with a sleep-ish grin.

"I know. But it's best that you get some rest. We have an intense day tomorrow, which is today, which...." I started to babble.

I kissed his forehead.

The couch would be fine for tonight.

*

So is it fate that I would find my former lover, the one I truly loved, more than I loved Jacob, to find him back in my apartment, and in my bed.

The very bed that have brought both joyful and sorrowful events in my life!

'I should think of getting a new bed.' I thought before getting out of the couch.

I smell coffee.

I walked to my room and there was someone in my bathroom. Someone was using my shower. Only then that reality hit my being. Nathanael was taking a shower in my bathroom. Then it all came back to me.

I entered the bathroom.

There, on the other side of the sliding glass, Nathanael's olive skin toned body. He is after all a runner, a fine man in his late thirties. He was handsome, cultured, educated and loved to travel. He was the only man I knew who had traveled to more countries than me.

But gawking at the glorious morning scenery stopped when...

"When you're done looking, could you pass me a towel please." He asked with a smile.

I came back to my senses, and most likely turned red out of embarrassment. I grabbed a towel from the closet.

Why was I feeling shy around him? I mean, my god, we made love practically on every surface of this apartment, not counting all the hot sex we had in this bathroom.

"Shower's done, do you want me to leave it on for you?"

I gaze at his eyes distracted.

He walked closer.

I froze.

He kissed my forehead.

"Thanks for letting me stay last night. I really appreciate it."

I only nodded my head in response and withheld the tears behind my eyes.

He cups his hands around my face.

We gaze at each other.

What will we do next?