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Chapter 2
My mind was reeling in the darkness and the anticipation was wreaking havoc on my ability to slow my mind and drift to sleep but eventually I did. It was a restless sleep, no doubt caused by the unanswered questions in my mind and eventually my bleary eyes opened to the dim light of the early morning hours. It was 5 o'clock am on a Saturday, meaning I had only slept a little over 3 hours. Fucking hell.
I knew Alex would not be awake as he always took advantage of sleeping in on the weekends. Alex. With him now on my mind my dick quickly hardened, and I groaned as I took my burgeoning length in hand giving it a gentle squeeze.
I languidly stroked it, soon allowing the pre-cum to tease from the tip and eventually giving into the images that flashed across my mind. The rate of my stroke increased as I thought of Alex's naked body pressed against mine. Faster, remembering his hands clutching my ass almost tasting his all-consuming kisses. Faster, at the feeling of the velvety skin of his dick as it slid into my mouth. Faster, remembering the feeling of his hand stroking my dick as he pressed his fingers into my ass. I came gasping, toes curled, body fully ignited.
I relaxed into my bed, but it was not long before the questions of last night came rearing its ugly head into the forefront of my mind. I spoke aloud softly to myself, "what are you doing Levi?" what was I truly doing.
With that thought, my body immediately tensed, the remnants of my orgasm faded as I realized I was well and truly fucked and not in a good way. I was in-lust with my best friend. Or was it something more? No, I could not think that way, but I could also no longer deny the feelings that have slowly intensified over the last few weeks. I could no longer deny the jealousy I felt stemmed from my need to possess him and to be possessed by him.
This could not happen. I knew it. I absolutely knew how unrealistic a relationship or an anything could happen between Alex and me. Come on Levi! What happened to the rules! The fucking rules that kept a reign on my sexual activities and what had defined my college years up to that point.
The same fucking rules that Alex held dear and it was those rules that made me solidify my beliefs of how futile my need was. I was determined not to fall into the same category of his regard as Sharon. I was not to be pushed aside or be avoided due to clinginess. I needed to step back but I did not know how.
I need to move. I needed to get up and move. I left my bed in a single-minded purpose to get out of the apartment. I slipped into running shorts, a t-shirt and my running shoes, that admittedly needed to be retired, and with a fortitude, I did not know I had, I pushed open my door and strode out into the main living space.
Aaaaannnnd of course my luck was shit and my "fortitude" quickly wilted faster than if I was still in high school and came face to face with my mom while trying to sneak out in the middle of the night for some party. Now though, it was the early morning and instead of my mom there stood Alex slowly taking in coffee.
He turned towards me with an unreadable look on his face that I did not know how to interpret which in turn only made my anxiety spike. Slowly though he gently raised a corner of his lips and looked me up and down. I remained still as my heartbeat increased and it was as if my dick forgot it just came moments before and started to tingle. Oh, please no!
Alex chuckled and said, "well it looks like you and I had the same idea?"
"What?" I said slightly confused. He gestures to me with his coffee cup I quickly look down at the same time threatening my dick with celibacy if it did not stay the fuck down then looked back at him. I pointedly did not look at his sexy ass face as I was trying to keep my lust at bay and gave him a once over. Yea that did not help keeping lust at bay, but at least it also allowed me to see what he was wearing. He was in running gear. Well fuck, there goes my need to keep a distance.
It would be weird as hell if we went running on different paths. But maybe...
"You going for a run? Or maybe the gym?" I say hoping it was the gym.
"A run," he says. "It looks like you are going too." He nods at me and sets his coffee down.
I nod. We stand there, me looking down, him doing god knows what, before I feel a set of warm hands on my shoulders. I take in a sharp breath and quickly look up into the tense eyes of my best friend. His eyes slowly trace over my face looking at me like it was the first time. They settle on my lips before he raises them back to my eyes. I tingle.
He lifts a hand and places it back on the back of my neck, his thumb idly stroking the hickey he had given me. He slowly shakes is head then grins again before stepping back.
"Come on Levi, lets go," he says turning away and strides to the door as if I was not in a state of arousal, confusion, and bewilderment. What was that look?
He put on his running shoes and places a hand on the doorknob before he turns back to look at me with a raised eyebrow. I realized I was still standing where he left me. I felt my cheeks flood with warmth as I tucked my head down and quickly made my way to the door.
We were silent as we made our way to the street, like clockwork, like the hundreds of other times we went running together, we fell into sync as we settled into a light jog before we picked up our pace a few blocks down.
It was like the many times before but also it was not. I was still unsure of what was to happen to us but slowly the burning of my lungs, the press of the asphalt with each step and the steady breathing of crisp morning air pushed all thoughts out of my mind and my body relaxed into the run as I kept pace with him.
Coming back from our run my mind felt less full and it was then I gave him the first true smile since the night before. He smiles back at me as we stretch in the front of our apartment building just relaxing in each other's company. It will be okay, I think.
At least, that was what I thought, until he opened his mouth. "I finally got Britney to go out with me a few days ago and we are hitting up that new club Jinx. Do you wanna come? Should be fun."
Fortunately, I was bent over giving my hamstrings a much needed stretch and my face was hanging down as I reached towards my toes. I slowly rose putting on my poker face before taking him in. How would I play this? I fought hard against the initial sting of jealously and hurt and determined to put myself squarely into the best-friend role and grinned.
"Oh yea?" I speak. "You've been trying to get at that since we came back to school," I was relieved that my voice sounded casual enough though slightly strained and hoped if he did notice he would conclude it was due to the run we just came back from.
"I know man," he continues. "I can't wait. Really though, you should come! I was told the place was awesome and I also know Jayden's going to be there tonight," he says looking at me lewdly wagging his eyebrows. I could not help but giggle. What the ever-living hell, when have I ever giggled. Ok this is the last time I am going to tell myself this, but seriously Levi, get it the fuck together.
"Hah..." I say carding a hand through my hair and grin back with a chuckle as I straightened myself up, "that actually doesn't sound too bad."
I had been after Jayden the last few months. He was built like me, maybe an inch or two shorter but he had dark hair, a wicked smile and an exceptionally fine bubble ass. He was also on the baseball team, and it was after a team practice, and my purposefully timed completion of a workout with said team, I first saw him in the school gym locker room.
The layout of the gym locker room gave great views from the lockers to open bay showers. It was there I noticed his impressively toned body and fine ass as he ran his soapy hands across his torso. I had often joked with some of my friends that the place was designed by a man that knew his way around a dick and ass.
I had chatted while we changed, and it quickly led to flirting. He was always game for innuendos, but he never seemed to press the need to go further and it made me want him more. Or at least I initially did. I shook my head at myself and grinned. Maybe this would be good for me. Get back to the status quo and fuck. I did not want to stay at the apartment pining away as my best friend continued his escapades in our "open relationship."
He was the same Alex I always knew, and it was me that needed to get out of my head and deal with my feelings.
So, with that though I nodded, saying confidently "hell yea man, I need to get laid."
He laughs and hits my shoulder than moves me towards the apartment. We enter and we continue our same routine...separate showers. I was changing when I hear the front door open and close comprehending that Alex left. I sit down on the side of my bed and squeeze my hands into fist on my knees and close my eyes tightly.
My thoughts whirl as I gather my inner resolve.
I had a great upbringing, but it was not without hardship. My parents divorced when I was 7 and my father took off to another state with some younger "floozy", as my mom puts it. She never asked him for support, never once went after him for his help. He had been the main bread winner up until that point, which was not necessarily my mom's fault. She had a degree in finance and a great career before she had me. After I was born my dad talked her into staying home, to take care of me, instead of working.
When they divorced, and my father left, my mom was left with a 7-year work absence and was significantly behind on the current financial practices. That did not stop her though. She took whatever job she could find, related to any finance company, to make ends meet. This led her to start as a secretary at a financial firm doing the job of her asshole and worked long hours proving her worth.
When she could not make it home in time for my arrival from school, she had Ms. McPherson, the elderly next-door neighbor, watch me until I was old enough to be on my own. Despite her hours I always felt loved, I never went hungry, and I could always participate in the school activities I wanted.
In her determination, she went from secretary to rookie financial analyst on a team of 5, then to leading her own team, then taking on a management position. This alone was impressive in the alpha male environment she surrounded herself in.
So, why am I bringing up my mother? Well from what I just said you must understand that my mom is my idol. She alone raised me and taught me how to be confident and assured. It was from this person that gave me the words of wisdom that led me to be who I am today and why I take it so seriously.
When I was too nervous to get on stage for a choir solo in the 7th grade. She took my hands in hers, looked me in the eye, and said "Levi, living life in the shadows is not living life at all. No matter what happens, just by stepping out into the light you have already given yourself the greatest gift of all, freedom from regret."
Those same words of wisdom pushed me to come out in high school as a gay man, all well knowing I would lose some friends and be on the receiving end of some hateful comments. It was why I do not strive to not hide my sexuality and live as I wanted. Finally, it was why I stood up, went to my phone and typed a message to Alex.
