Unrequited

"I love you," Caleb whispered, resting his head on Thom's heaving chest.

He felt the hard body beneath him tense as his pliable form melted on top of it. Thom held his breath, not believing what he was hearing. Sure, Caleb was his friend. A damn sexy one at that. But love?

"You...uhh... What?" Thom sputtered, not sure if he really wanted to hear it again. Caleb felt his stomach churn--as if someone were twisting his intestines around a fork like spaghetti. He squeezed his eyes tight, damming the impending flow of tears. His worst fears were being realized in this moment. Why did he have to say it? Why did he have to sleep with Thom? Did he really think that things were just going to unfold like in a fairy tale?

Caleb sat up uneasily, not daring to look at Thom and slid his boxers up his legs and over his hips. He began to feel nauseated. This was all just too much. As he stood, the feeling in his stomach intensified.

"Sorry," Caleb mumbled as he scurried off into Thom's bathroom. Thom watched Caleb's retreating back. He felt horrible about the situation, but it wasn't exactly his fault. He loved Caleb, but he loved him purely as a friend. Sex didn't necessarily equate to romantic love. Thom was racked with guilt. How was he supposed to know Caleb possessed such naiveté?

Crouching on the cold tile floor, Caleb heaved into the toilet. It was as if his body wanted to physically purge him of his shame and humiliation. When he had finally emptied the entire contents of his stomach, he sat back on his heels, sobbing. He had to get out of Thom's apartment.

He stood, his legs quaking beneath him as he walked unsteadily toward the sink. He rinsed the horrific taste from his mouth with a quick swig of mouthwash and hobbled out to the bedroom.

Thom was still sitting on the bed, leaning back against the headboard, eyes red and raw with tears. He had just experienced a huge loss and now he was responsible for the loss of another. He felt desolate.

Caleb tried not to focus on his tragically handsome face. He didn't want to look at him at all at this point. He soundlessly crept about the room gathering and donning his scattered items of clothing.

"Caleb," Thom started.

"Don't. Just don't," Caleb blurted as he wiggled into his shorts. "I know..." he said almost inaudibly, looking downward as he slid on his shoes. Neither man said another word as Caleb exited the bedroom and then the apartment altogether. Thom exhaled deeply as he watched him go. "I'm sorry, Caleb," he sobbed as he slipped under the covers.

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Caleb had known Thom for three years and he knew he loved the man from the moment their eyes met.

Caleb was a freshman in college. A freshman drooling relentlessly over his psychology professor's graduate assistant, Thom. Thom was extraordinarily intelligent--something that had always been a huge turn-on for Caleb. Not to mention his looks. He looked like every nerdy-girl's (or in this case, artsy-boy's) fantasy. He was incredibly tall (but most people were in comparison to the diminutive Caleb) and his shaggy dark hair perfectly framed his flawless angular bone structure. His crystal-clear blue eyes shone like aquamarine behind his dark-framed glasses. He had this messiness and relaxed demeanor about him that offset his classically handsome looks. And it made Caleb absolutely weak in the knees.

As if having to see this man and try to keep his jaw off the floor twice a week in class wasn't enough, every Tuesday and Thursday, Thom led a Psychology study group that Caleb just so happened to attend. Every day, Caleb found out something new about Thom and he hadn't heard a thing he didn't like. They shared all the same interests: art, music, science--Thom even had an appreciation of Caleb's off-the-wall fashion sense. He couldn't be more perfect. Caleb could feel himself falling deeper and deeper for the guy each day.

One day, Caleb found himself to be the last student left in the room the study group occupied. He was sitting directly across from Thom, his heart beating like the wings of a hummingbird as the gorgeous and intellectual man laughed and talked with him. They had been having an in-depth conversation about the French rock-and-roll scene, their mutual love of Philip Glass and the aesthetic benefits of black and white photography, (all topics somehow surely tangential to the discussion of brain states they should have been having).

"You know, we should hang out sometime. I don't normally socialize with undergrads in class, but you're...different. You've actually got an opinion. I can roll with that," Thom smiled widely, sliding his binder and laptop into his satchel. "Here's my number," he said, scrawling the digits in his elegant handwriting on the back of a white envelope he pulled from his bag, "Call me if you want to grab lunch or something sometime. Or if you need any help in psych of course," he added with another toothy grin.

Caleb accepted his number with a vacant smile and a nod. He couldn't believe this was happening. "Uhh, Thanks! I'll call you," Caleb said quickly, blushing as he spoke. He stood and practically ran toward the door, "See you Tuesday!" He was head over heels.

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Though it took a couple of weeks, Caleb eventually got up the nerve to call Thom. He knew the invitation was simply friendly, but he couldn't help but be nervous about his own feelings for the man. They decided to go out for brunch to a little cafe whose scones Thom swore by.

Over their tea and scones, the pair developed a wonderful rapport. Friendly conversation flowed almost as smoothly as the cream into their tea. And though Caleb was enjoying himself, he remained constantly tense, trying to instill his own agenda into Thom's words as he spoke. "I can't wait to see that film," Thom would say. 'I can't wait to see that film with you. Just me and you. Alone. Together,' Caleb would think to himself. He desperately wanted Thom to have the same feelings he knew he had for Thom. But hell, he didn't even know if he was gay at this point.

What Thom said next was both a relief and a heart-crushing impediment for Caleb.

The pair were discussing their favorite directors, Tarantino in particular. "I just think his visual style is incredible--so purely Tarantino!" Thom said enthusiastically.

"Definitely. He's probably in my top five directors--if not my favorite. Absolutely genius!" Caleb harmonized, grinning brightly.

Thom laughed heartily, "You should tell that to my boyfriend. He DESPISES Tarantino! I made him watch Grindhouse when it came out and he fell asleep halfway through Death Proof--in the theater! I just don't see how that's possible when..."

Caleb couldn't hear the rest of what Thom said. He could only hear the sound of his heart deflating, resounding in his hollow ribcage. Boyfriend. God, he had a boyfriend. The most perfect man he had ever met turned out to be gay. And taken. The fates must surely be fucking with him.

"You okay, Caleb?"

Caleb heard the sound echoing in his ears, as if someone were shouting at him from the far end of a hollow cavern. It took a moment, but he shook himself from his misery, realizing it was Thom who was vying for his attention.

Blinking his eyes rapidly Caleb focused on Thom's face. God, he was so beautiful. He wondered to himself if Thom's boyfriend ever told him so.

"Sorry, just spaced, I guess," Caleb recovered, "Y'know, I should get going. I have class in about half an hour. We'll have to do this again sometime." Caleb kicked himself for adding that last part. He didn't even know if he could bear to do this again. To sit there and look at the man he knew he felt love for but couldn't have. To slowly torture himself.

"Absolutely," Thom smiled, looking slightly concerned at Caleb's flustered state, "I'll call you."

Caleb stood, nodded, and rushed out the door.

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Thom did call Caleb and after much thought and a few persuasive words from Thom, he gave in.

They spent more and more time together, as weeks gave way to months gave way to years. They were going out for lunch at least twice a week and staying late to chat after the study group dispersed. Thom would come over to Caleb's (Caleb always refused and invitation to go to Thom's place. He didn't need to see that damned boyfriend.) for dinner and a movie. They became extraordinarily close. "Like brothers," Thom once said much to Caleb's silent horror.

When Caleb came out to Thom in his sophomore year, Thom embraced him, singing praises of his honesty, and at the same time admonishing him for not telling him sooner. They grew closer and closer, getting on like a house on fire. But it was never enough for Caleb.

After every meeting with Thom, Caleb felt increasingly dejected. He couldn't help but want more with Thom. Every time he saw that wide pearly smile, he would think of waking up, the early morning sun streaming through the windows and Thom's glowing face--that perfect smile stretching his features as he woke up in Caleb's bed. When Thom fell asleep on his couch (which he invariably did after a few too many glasses of wine), Caleb had to summon all his willpower to prevent himself from snuggling up to the warm and dozing man and burying his face in the crook of his neck. He couldn't stop himself from feeling the way he did about Thom, but he didn't want to stop seeing him. It was a merciless cycle that ate away at him bit by bit.

One night while sleeping soundly and dreaming of the things possible with Thom only in the safety of his own fantasy, he was awoken by the sound of a vibration followed closely by a loud electronic chiming. Cell phone. Without opening his eyes, Caleb groped around on his bedside table grasping his phone and answering it.

"'Ello?" Caleb croaked out, his voice thick with interrupted sleep.

He was answered with the sound of a deep, shaky inhalation, "Caleb?"

"Yeah."

"It's Thom. I'm so sorry to wake you, but," his quavering voice was punctuated with another ragged breath, "I just kicked Julian out... Can you come over?"

Caleb wasn't sure exactly what was going on. 'Okay. Thom? Got it. Kicked his boyfriend out? Okay. Got it. He wants me to come over?' he thought.

"Okay. I'll just be a few minutes," Caleb said with a yawn as he rubbed the corners of his eyes, slowly opening them in the darkness of his bedroom. "I just need to get dressed then I'll be there."

Caleb's response was met with a sniffle over the line. "Thanks, Caleb... I just need someone to talk to. I'll pay your cab." Then the line went dead.

Caleb turned off his phone with a click as he slid his legs over the edge of the bed. He wandered to his closet, still half-asleep, and pulled out a quickly chosen outfit. He then tottered into the bathroom to give himself a once-over before getting dressed.

He leaned forward, ruffling the white-blonde hair piled on top of his head. His bright green eyes still hadn't adjusted to the fluorescent lighting of the bathroom, and he squinted back at his reflection. Caleb took a step backward to look at his body. He had never liked the way his body looked, but other people seemed to enjoy it, so he didn't mind too much. His frame was slender and graceful, but he didn't look starved and bony, and was covered in a smooth and flawless ivory. 'Too short, too skinny, too pale,' Caleb thought as he slid on a tight pair of bright blue, knee-length shorts. The grey and white striped T-shirt he pulled over his head was about three sizes too big for his slight body, but looked almost elegant as it draped fluidly from his shoulders. He stuffed his feet into a pair of dark brown suede moccasins and with one final shake of his hand through his fair hair, he was out the door.

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Caleb wasn't sure how to feel as he approached Thom's door. He loved Thom so dearly, he would do anything to comfort him, but he couldn't help but feel relieved that this Julian guy was out of his life. He immediately scolded himself for having such thoughts, but it made them no less pertinent to his situation.

Caleb rapped his knuckles softly on Thom's door and almost immediately he could her the clicking of locks on the other side. He had been waiting.

As the door swung open smoothly, Caleb's heart broke for the umpteenth time since he had come to know Thom. Thom stood, dressed in just a pair of long pajama pants, his already normally shaggy hair a tangled mess. His eyes were bloodshot and still rimmed with tears. He was the dismal exemplification of despair. He sniffled quietly as he stepped aside, allowing Caleb entrance.

Caleb stepped in and turned to watch Thom's unbearably slow movements as he closed and locked the door behind them. As Thom turned to face him, he motioned with a limp arm toward the sofa. "Have a seat," he mumbled, his blocked sinuses causing his voice to sound odd and flat. Caleb sat as Thom plodded into the kitchen, coming back with two glasses of ice water.

"Thanks so much for coming. I know it's late," Thom said, sitting back on the sofa and taking a long sip from his glass.

Caleb frowned slightly as he reached out to rest a hand on Thom's shoulder, "It's fine. I don't mind. Really. You know I'd do anything to help you."

Thom tilted his head so it gently pinned Caleb's cool hand between the warm flesh of Thom's cheek and shoulder in a tender gesture. A silent thank-you. Caleb delighted in the affection he gave out so freely, but the doleful look on Thom's face kept his feet on the ground.

After a moment of silence, Caleb felt as if he should initiate the conversation he was here to have. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked softly, his fingers fanning out against Thom's rough and unshaven cheek as he withdrew his hand.

Thom looked down at his hands folded in his lap, "Yeah. I guess I need to, don't I?"

Caleb didn't respond, he just waited for Thom.

"Well, there's not much to say about it. I had gone to stay with my parents for the long weekend, and decided last minute to come back one day early. When I got back to the apartment, Julian was in bed with some other guy. I have no idea who it was," Thom said, sniffling once more, "I threw him out and I called you. And now you're here." Thom shrugged as he looked up at Caleb. Tears began to glisten around Thom's eyes again as they stayed locked with Caleb's.

"It's just... We'd been together so long...five years...and... the idea that he'd just throw it all away... I mean...he might have been fucking around all along..." Thom blurted out, gasping between his sobs. "I gave him so much... I just wasn't enough..." Caleb was overwhelmed by Thom's anguish and pulled the other man into his tight embrace. "Shhh..." Caleb soothed into Thom's ear, "You deserve so much better than that Thom. You're so wonderful. I don't see how anyone could want anything more." Caleb felt Thom's warm tears soak through the soft cotton of his shirt as Caleb continued to stroke his back.

"You're too good to me," Thom said, looking up at Caleb as his tears slowly began to ebb. "I'm so lucky to have you," he wrapped his arms around Caleb's waist and pulled him closer into a tight hug. The closeness started to get to Caleb, clouding his mind. Without thinking clearly, he tipped his head forward and planted a soft kiss on the top of Thom's head. "Anything you want," Caleb's voice ghosted over Thom's ear causing him to shiver.

Thom's rapid breath slowed almost to a halt as he slowly moved his head back up to look into Caleb's eyes. Caleb was frightened, but Thom couldn't see it. He just wanted all this pain to go away. And Caleb looked so beautiful. Those pouty ruby lips surrounded by that soft smooth skin. His piercing green eyes and that adorable shock of silvery blonde hair. He admitted to himself for the first time that his close friend was actually hot. Really hot. And through the despair and betrayal, that was all he could see: that beautiful boy that wanted to make his pain disappear. 'Anything you want.' The words echoed in Thom's head. He knew what he wanted right now.

Caleb gulped as he felt Thom getting closer and closer to him. This couldn't be happening. Thom closed his eyes as he wrapped his arms around Caleb's neck, their faces a fraction of an inch apart. Caleb started to sputter out a question or a word of resistance but all was stifled by the feel of Thom's soft lips covering Caleb's own. It was the most tender kiss Caleb had ever experienced. It was so filled with hurt and need and utter vulnerability and, for Caleb, the purest love.

Lights exploded behind Caleb's eyelids as the kiss deepened. He didn't want it to ever end. His arms circled Thom's waist, his fingers digging into the smooth flesh of his back as he used his insubstantial weight to pull Thom on top of him. Their bodies undulated together in an endless wave as their lips and tongues continued their constant exploration.

Thom pulled back slightly, their mouths parting for a moment as the pair caught their breath. Caleb was relieved when he looked up into Thom's face and couldn't see regret. Just lust. Burning lust. This was comforting enough for Caleb, but maybe, just maybe, he reasoned, there was love buried beneath all that desire. That hope gave him enough drive to carry on.

Panting, Thom looked down at Caleb questioningly, "Bed?"

Caleb just nodded his reply. Thom scooped Caleb up in his arms and carried him the short distance from the living room to the bedroom.

The moment that Caleb's long legs touched the ground, the men began shedding their maddening clothing. Caleb ran his long cool fingers over Thom's thewy abdomen lightly dusted with soft hair, his digits absorbing the details of his flesh and committing them to memory. Thom pushed the elastic waistband of his soft flannel pants off his hips with one hand as the other wandered its way beneath Caleb's shirt, working it up the younger man's slim body. As Thom's pajamas pooled around his feet, he tugged the hem of Caleb's soft T-shirt up and over his head, frustratingly blinding the smaller man for a moment.

Caleb's eyes widened when his vision returned to the sight of the fully nude Thom, in particular, the thick length that twitched under the younger man's gaze. It arched perfectly upward, the head leaving shiny trails of pre-cum at every point of contact. Caleb unconsciously licked his lips. A mild chuckle shook him from his trance as he looked up at a now softly smiling Thom. His eyes were still red, but he had smiled. It was beautiful. Caleb walked forward and placed his hands on Thom's shoulders, pausing for a moment to look into that face before pushing him backward onto the plush bedding.

Thom bounced back on the mattress as Caleb stood before him, green eyes sharply surveying his flesh.

His eyes never leaving Thom's, Caleb began to slowly remove his shorts. He worked the fly open, one button at a time and slowly rolled his hips as he pushed the shorts down his smooth, pale thighs. He stepped out of them and stood in only his black boxers. With one hand, he turned down the elastic and dipped his hand into the waistband. He began to slowly stroke his achingly stiff flesh beneath the cotton of his boxers. He closed his eyes, his hips rocking into his hand, as he let out a soft moan. He slowly opened one eye and watched a Thom watched him, stroking his own imposing length. Caleb's mouth twitched a small wicked smile and just as quickly as that smile came and went, his boxers were on the floor.

Caleb crawled onto the bed, straddling Thom's hips with his thighs. He leaned forward, supporting himself with his arms on either side of Thom's head, and kissed the older man with a sincere passion and intensity. As their tongues bathed one another, Caleb began to slowly rock his hips against Thom's. Thom's fingers traced the barely-there ridges of the young man's ribs and down further to gain purchase on the slim hips gyrating above him. It was heavenly in this moment--their bodies sliding against each other as they basked in the sanctuary of the other's warmth.