Content/trigger warning: This series contains bullying, homophobic language, and non-consensual sexual acts, but they are integral to the plot and character development so please take them in context.
JESSE
It's the first day back at school, and I never knew that a summer could crawl by so slowly.
Despite myself I went back to the cove whenever I could for weeks, more often than I should have to be honest. I know it was idiotic, but I kept hoping that he, Dusty, would be there, even though I pretended to myself I was going there for any other reason but that. But he never was there. What did I expect? I knew there was absolutely no reason I should hope for anything. That expression on his face, that mixture of horror and despair, it's burned permanently onto my brain. I knew he was turning his back on all of it, everything that happened between us, but it's been so long since I've had a friend my age. I'm friendly with some of the people who work at the diner, but they're all older than me. I can't think of the last friend I ever had who was my age who wasn't Jimmy, must have been before momma died.
So after that night I got to feeling really, well, lonely. There isn't any other way to say it, I felt lonely. I don't even know what kind of relationship we would or could ever have, but that time with him... well, whatever our relationship would have been, even it was only a tiny, tiny fraction of what it hinted it could be, it would have been better than nothing. Jesse, you fucking idiot, it's over, I keep telling myself. You're dumber than dirt if you thought it was anything and if you thought it could ever turn into something. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. I guess no man is an island and all that. I guess I am a fucking sensitive little fairy.
God, I gotta stop torturing myself like this. I'm making myself sound so desperate and pathetic. As the days passed, gradually all my hoping sunk lower and lower and the disappointment hurt less and less, so now that I'm back at school I've pretty well prepared myself for being confronted by the old Dusty in all his asshole glory. I'm hoping that the new Dusty has won out, but I'm almost ready for him to go back to beating me up with his friends. But I just can't really believe he would go that far. I feel like I saw something really, absolutely really real in him that night. If he went back to being the same bully as he was before I wouldn't just be disappointed in him, I think I would lose my faith in all of fucking humanity.
I can't help feeling little butterflies in my stomach when we file in to the gym for the first assembly of the school year. I force myself not to look for him on purpose, but I do catch a glimpse of him among the noisy throng of kids with their fresh hair cuts and new school clothes. As usual he's part of the largest and loudest group of kids. The football players and the cheerleaders, and now that they're new seniors they're really whooping it up and lording it over all the other kids. Great.
I try to avoid looking at him, but I have to walk sort of nearer to their group in the middle of the bleachers in order to walk up to the back part of the bleachers where I usually sit. Without any warning the crowd suddenly parts a little and I catch full sight of him, and I know, I know I wasn't going to think about him anymore, but damn, he near takes my breath away. He's clean-shaven now to follow the school dress code, and looking as handsome as ever with his muscles and his blue eyes and his tan and his short hair almost bleached blonde by the summer sun. But something's different. In that split second I notice he's actually sitting a little more to the edge of the group, and he looks... quieter than I would have expected.
I can't help continuing to look at him as I walk towards the steps that go up the bleachers. Normally he would be horsing around with his buddies, drawing everyone's attention with his good looks and his red football jacket and his magnetic superstar football player presence, but this Dusty is mostly just watching his friends, his face oddly neutral and unreadable. I don't know if he felt me watching him, but he glances up and for a breathless second we lock eyes. It's almost like time stops for that second, but then the crowd swallows him up again and after recollecting myself I start moving again and make my way up the steps, my heartbeat still going fast, dammit. He definitely saw me, and I'm left trying and failing to forget about it and puzzling over the expression in his eyes, trying to interpret it. He looked surprised to see me, I think. And maybe a little... I don't know. Sad? Wistful? Fuck, give it up already, Jesse! Talk about wishful thinking. He probably was thinking about something else entirely.
Soon enough the principal and vice principal are droning on with their usual "Welcome back to school" speeches, but I barely notice because I'm watching Dusty, looking for more signs of the new Dusty, like a fucking archaeologist or biologist or something. I know it's idiotic, but I can't help it. His pretty girlfriend is looking even prettier than ever, hanging onto his arm, and they like they're destined to be Homecoming royalty for the second year running. But I don't think I'm imagining... that he's pretty much ignoring her? I could almost swear that I see her shoot him an annoyed look for just a second when she thinks no one's looking, but it's hard to tell from where I'm sitting. I guess that was probably just wishful thinking too.
I must have imagined that look in Dusty's eyes, because every time I've seen him since then he's pretty much been acting normally, hanging out with his football buddies and all that. We don't have any classes together, but we've passed each other in the hallway a few times and he seems to be going out of his way to ignore me. Well, I guess that's better than him knocking my books out of my hands or breaking all my pencils or grabbing my notebooks and throwing them into the toilet. I guess that really is it. Move on already, I tell myself. Move the fuck on.
Actually, there was this new guy in my English class who was pretty cute. Simon. Average height with sandy colored hair, but with a kind of easygoing grin, almost a smart-aleck smirk, that I immediately liked. I definitely don't envy anyone having to start at a new school his senior year, especially our school, but he didn't seem too bothered about it and introduced himself to people sitting near him pretty easily. He seemed used to starting out at a new school. Probably an army brat whose parents had to start up at the base not far from here. Anyway, he was one of the few kids other than me who had already done the summer reading, so he's already scored some points in my book.
Last year I used to be able to sneak out of the cafeteria during lunch and eat in the library (neither of which are allowed, but hey, I already said I'm no saint), but apparently one of the announcements that I wasn't paying attention to this morning was about how they're taking attendance at lunch this year and we have to stay in the cafeteria. I sigh and resist the urge to spy on Dusty more, and so I sit as far away from his group as possible. There are enough seats at the edges of the cafeteria near where the freshmen usually sit that I can read my book in peace and quiet. I notice the new kid looking for somewhere to sit, and I have a brief moment of insanity where I consider waving him over to sit with me, but I remember in time that it would probably be worse for him to be seen with me than to be sitting by himself so I go back to reading my book.
"The Count of Monte Cristo? Nice. Jesse, right?"
It's a couple days later and it's lunch time again. I look up, and Simon has already invited himself over and is taking the seat across from me. I guess that's one way to make friends at a new school. Don't ask if you can sit somewhere, just do it.
"You probably shouldn't be sitting here," I say, not trying to be unfriendly but a little thrown.
"And why is that?" he asks, with an open smile.
"Well..." My voice trails off. "I guess I'm kind of the guy no one wants to associate with. I guess I... draw too much attention from the, uh, you know. I guess I get too much of the wrong kind of attention," I say pretty damn awkwardly.
Simon frowns, and his friendly personality is clearly not liking what he's hearing.
"You mean bullying? That's really not cool. That goes on here? Can't you tell someone about it?"
I shrug uncomfortably. "Maybe they'll give it a rest this year."
I change the subject and ask about why he had to move here, and I was right. His parents are both in the army and they got put in charge of some training program or something at the base. It's been a long time since I've made small talk with anyone, and up close Simon is actually not only nice but smart and good-looking as well, and he actually reads books. I try to keep my dick in my pants, though, and not get my hopes up that he might be gay. But I'm surprised when he not only sits with me the whole lunch period but actually comes and finds me out at lunch the next day, and pretty regularly after that too.
Out of habit as much as anything else I've been avoiding being seen by Dusty's crew. Maybe they're going to leave me alone this year, maybe they're not, but why risk finding out if I don't have to? But not even halfway through the second week of school I'm just walking through the parking lot at the front of the school on my way to my shift at the diner when I hear Joe's all-too-familiar redneck voice behind me. "Hey, fag!"
I immediately tense up, all my senses going on alert like a wild animal. Normally I would just try and make a break for it, and I am pretty fast, but this time curiosity gets the better of me and I slowly turn around. I may get beat up right now, but it'll be worth it. I have to see if he's also here.
Even as I'm turning around I hear Dusty speaking, and yeah, he's looking pretty disdainful. "Forget about him, man," he's saying to Joe. "We're seniors now. We're too old for this shit."
Joe looks doubtful and there are a few other football guys there, juniors, I think, watching to see how it all goes down. But then Dusty casually but firmly puts his hand on Joe's arm indicating it's time to go. Dusty hasn't raised his voice at all, but there's a warning glow in his eyes like warm embers and it's absolutely clear who the alpha male is here. There's a little bit of a sizzle in the air, but then Joe backs down, clearly unwillingly, and shoots me a threatening glare before turning on his heel to leave. Dusty watches him for a second before turning back to me, and then, fuck me, he gives me this secret apologetic look and shrug that only I can see. The look I give him in response is a silent thanks, sure, but also with a little bit of an edge to it because, after all, he's the one who started this all in the first place. Dusty nods an apology for that again too, as if he understands what my expression is saying perfectly, and I can't help but marvel at the way it seems we can understand each other without even saying a word. I'm not just imagining it, am I? Maybe it's all in my head. What I'm definitely not so sure about, though, is when I turn to walk away I imagine I can feel his eyes still watching me for a couple of seconds more, and I'm really tempted to turn around to see if he actually is. But what's the point? I sigh to myself wearily. What's the goddamn point.
After that there must have been some secret signal to the rest of the school or something because kids have seemed noticeably friendlier towards me. I don't know if it's some deeply ingrained herding instinct thing or what, but it seems like now they know they aren't in danger from Dusty's crew from associating with me and kids have actually been sitting at lunch with Simon and me. When I realize how much of Dusty's bullying has affected my whole life I have to admit I get pretty damn angry about it. But since that night I've had a good long time to think about if I forgive him or not, if I really believe his apology, if I really think he feels bad about it. And in the end I finally decided, yeah, I do believe he's sincerely sorry, and I do forgive him. So if I'm going to forgive him for the bullying, I'm going to have to forgive him for all of this other crap too. I guess this is all that "Turn the other cheek" stuff my momma used to talk about, and "Forgive your enemies". "Forgive your enemies." Huh.
