Touched & Fuced but Not Loved

This is a real account of events which recently happened to me and rocked my world to the core.

I am still picking up the pieces after the eventful night and the uneventful aftermath.

Pseudonyms used to protect privacy.

All characters above the age of 18 years.

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08 June 2019

With my heart and soul lost in his passionate kisses & sensuous touches and our naked bodies intertwined with each other, PP, my best friend for the past many years, suddenly stops and locks his gaze on me that sends shivers through my body.

He asks, "Is this really you AJ?"

Full of self doubt and pity, my self loathing mind spins into a whirlwind of thoughts thinking that maybe he is regretting this moment and doesn't want to be with me.

But determined to please him, I simply revert saying, "I can be whoever you want me to be."

With genuine concern, care, and if I may dare say, love in his voice, he immediately tightens his grip on me and says, "NO!! I want you!! I want only my AJ!! I can't believe I am with you."

If I was hooked on him before, I am completely drowned in him hearing this now.

I lean in and give myself to him completely, kissing him with such ferocity and passion, that I never knew existed in me, pouring my soul in his and losing myself in those beautiful eyes.

Little did I know that in the coming few days after this blissful magical night, once the excuse of alcohol wears off off him and the gravity of our act hits us both like a tsunami, I will have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

I will just have to figure out a way to not drown in the quicksand of emotions, pride & ego and fight with every fiber of my being to salvage the friendship I have grown so fond of.

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Upto May 2013

Hi! I am AJ. An average looking 26 year old guy working in one of the financial capital of the world.

Since childhood, I have been constantly reminded of my petite body structure and my short tiny frame by friends, foes and strangers alike.

Out of concern, spite or malice, their looks, taunts and statements have never let me forget that I need to be bigger, stronger and taller. Somehow, these physical attributes were the sole defining criteria of how good a man I can be.

Accepting God's will for me to be a small petite boy, I determined and willed myself to not conform to this shallow definition and prove my true worth to the world.

I chose to train my mind instead of my body and willed myself to excel in my studies.

With the love and support of my mother and my elder brother (I had lost my father at the young age 2), I excelled in academics, got accepted in the best college in Asia and went on to take up a job in a prominent MNC.

The same fire to prove my worth re-ignited in me when my seniors & colleagues tried to dismiss me with no second glance given my physical appearance.

Slowly and steadily, I started changing perceptions with my dedication and conduct and soon emerged as a key asset to the team.

With all this, I had little time or inclination to indulge in any relationship.

Don't get me wrong! I am a person who wears his heart on his sleeves and I have shaped up to be quite a compassionate loving soul for I know how it felt to be degraded and looked down upon.

However, given that I also turned out to be more bones than skin at a small height of 5'5" only, I had somehow convinced myself that I could never hold anyone's interest long enough for them to become romantically or sexually involved with me.

Despite my best efforts, the scars of the comments and taunts on my appearance never helped me gather the courage to ask anyone out.

Except for some experimentation with one of my guy friends in school, I never had any sexual experience.

And that experimentation was also easily written off in my mind as something inconsequential done in teenage curiosity.

After that experience though, I had an inkling that I maybe liked guys but growing up I had felt immensely attractive to girls as well.

Unaware of the concept of bisexual tendencies, I always thought sexual preferences to be in absolute.

Scared of the ramifications of exploring my gay side, I conformed to the societal belief that I am straight.

This theory was tested many years later in my new job role, for this was where I met him - my friend, my brother in arm, my love - PP, short for Pedro Park, a man who changed me in a way even I did not see coming.

May 2013

To grow professionally, I had pursued an MBA and landed up a high power job in the Chairman Office of a billion dollar company in 2013.

The job became my instant claim to fame. People started seeing me in a different light and I was forced to stand in the spotlight (something which I was very uncomfortable with and actually very bad at).

Determined to earn respect and not demand it, I started working alongside others, prompting them to pay attention to the person behind the powerful designation.

Soon, I gained recognition across various cliques of the company and faced a problem I had never encountered before. Employees started seeking me out and tried to befriend me.

While I have found my share of true friendships over the years, never had I or they tried to sought it. It had just happened cause the universe had willed it so.

So when people started trying to befriend me, I behaved as any novice would - I ended up taking everyone on face value and was eager to trust others.

And very soon, the wolves came in.

One particular guy, GG, a 30 years old skillful bastard who had navigated his way through corporate world sucking cocks (maybe not only figuratively but literally as well), started paying attention to me.

He felt proud in being the eye candy whom girls used to dote on and guys used to envy. Few weeks into my job, GG started seeking me out. I had never have such an alpha pay any attention to me, so I obviously started to relish it.

Soon he got too close to me and that's when he started giving these weird signals to me to get me hooked on him such as,:

- Entering my physical space ever too often;

- Letting his hands linger on my shoulders a little longer than appropriate;

- Accidentally showing me his naked torso pics on his phone flaunting his defined torso and abs on the pretext of showing something else;

- Dragging me to night parties, intoxicating me, putting his arms around me every now and then suggestively;

- Getting me to open up about my secrets, about who all I was crushing on in office.

Man was he a player!!

In one particular house party, on the pretext of "teaching" me tips/tricks of martial arts, he pinned my body beneath his in missionary style in front of our other friends and started narrating some method to tackle.

He held me in that embrace for a while and started looking at me intently while talking.

I swear I still don't know what all he spoke cause it was all lost on me.

Though we were both fully clothed, I was having a gush of feelings overtake me at that time and could feel my cock twitching a little.

I still don't know whether he felt my cock or he saw it in my eyes, but something in his demeanor changed then.

That's when I saw the glint in his eyes, full of malice, when he immediately shot a triumphant look to others that he had me also pinning for him since I didn't retaliate and let him dominate me.

I could see that they were all impressed with him, for he seemed to have had me also on the hook, wanting him in a more intimate way.

Having him on top of me in such an intimate position, did make me realize one crucial thing though - that I do have an attraction to guys and want to be on my back with a stud fucking my brains out.

However, another realization which hit me like a truck was that I did not want to be a pin on the board in someone's sex-capades.

I wanted someone whom I can trust and be happy with to share such a taboo connection with.

I didn't want loveless sex with anyone, just to fulfill my lusty desires - I wanted to yearn for it in his touches, taste the passion in his lips, spend hours exploring every inch of his body and have him explore mine.

But this beloved person for me was definitely not GG. Obviously with this realization, I started withdrawing myself from GG after that night.

And obviously, this withdrawal was not well received by him. A wounded tiger, he soon started spilling all my secrets in his clique network and back bitching about me.

When word of this got around and reached my ear, I just focused on my work and ignored it all for I knew I had only brought this upon myself.

October 2014

It had been over a year and the tide of my controversial gossips had started withdrawing.

Through this time, the universe paid me back for the deceit I faced with GG, by bringing a new hope in my life, a new friend, a girl, who had joined soon after I started avoiding GG.

She grew to be one of my closest friends whom I could trust blindly, Rachel.

Rachel, also 30 years old, was from Human Resources department and we made a fierce team.

We became friends by working on various cross team assignments and excelled on all counts.

Settled in the rhythm of my job, one day Rachel's boss asked me to interview 2 potential candidates for Administration Head role.

He had liked the first one but Rachel was hell bent on taking the second candidate, Pedro Park.

Apparently this Pedro fellow had worked with her in the past and was like a younger brother to her.

To break the tie, he asked me and my colleague to step in and give an impartial view.

Needless to say, I was obviously biased for this Pedro before Rachel's boss even finished making his request.

Just to clarify, Rachel had also seperately assured me that her personal equation aside, Pedro was completely capable of doing a great job - a vital detail which helped me calm my conscious.

So the charades were on and all was going as per plan (evil laugh) up until this Pedro fellow walked in.

Dressed in a light grey suit with a white shirt, a 27 years old well built 6 foot tall man entered with a smile which could have set the room on fire, a complexion fairer than white pearl itself and a physique of an Adonis - I held my breath!!

I wasn't drawn by his beauty, charm, charisma or personality but by his eyes. I held my breath cause I immediately saw it in his eyes.

He was the one playing the charades. He was another wolf posing as a sheep to fool us all.

He was trying to keep his demeanor in check but he had an air about himself screaming that he was always treated like a king by everyone around him - he was the privileged royalty and others, the farmers.

Just because he had the looks he was entitled to be above us all.

I held my breath cause all the problems I faced last year with GG came flashing back right in front of my eyes.

That's when I thought of the unthinkable. I thought of being the bastard who abuses authority and instead of an interaction to understand his strengths, I decided to focus on finding faults in him.

With the tables turned and I having the upper hand, I wanted to make this fucking alpha feel uncomfortable, give him a tough interview, dish out all the bad things I was subjugated to in life at the hands of such alphas.

I know it was totally immature of me but I couldn't resist projecting all of my inhibitions and anger on this stranger - I convinced myself that he deserved it.

But alas, the universe had another plan!

You see, my stupid colleague, possibly completely smitten by him, kept getting in the way and thwarted my plan by giving him enough safe exits.

God people are so dense sometimes!!

Missing my chance, I later approached Rachel and came up with a lame ass excuse to not hire Pedro.

Obviously, she was shell shocked and we had our first real argument that time. I hated Pedro more after that confrontation.

Finally, after some gruesome arguments, understanding that it was Rachel who had to work with him, I bowed down and accepted to give my support.

I recommended her boss to take Pedro on board but I promised myself I would never befriend him.

Over the next few days of his joining, I purposefully kept away from him.

I could see that people in my clique had started warming upto him thanks to his proximity to Rachel and that just riled me up further.

Pedro tried to strike up conversations with me when I was talking with Rachel but I used to keep them short and civil, keeping it below the radar for anyone, including him, to notice.

I saw him observing me during my discussions with Rachel in the cafeteria or at her desk every now and then but I never reciprocated and continued with my resolve to not befriend him.

January 2015

Over the past few months, I had met a girl and decided to take the plunge for marriage for I was in love.

So I took a month off after a few weeks of Pedro's joining, got married and resumed work in January end.

My company had had a big product launch when I was away and I wanted to check out the project office myself as soon as I had resumed.

I was happily meeting around my colleagues and catching up, when I bumped into Pedro. He was dressed in a loosely fitted bottle green shirt with red checks and a nice denim which showed off his long legs beautifully. He was a sight to behold I must admit.

He had also kept his shirt's top most button open (something which would eventually become my most torturous sight cause he had the most perfect set of chest hair, not too much nor too less. Just that perfect manly set of hair I would obsess over).

I again held my breath!!

But this time, I was captivated for all different reasons. I did not see the alpha in him throwing his weight around.

Instead, I observed his calm demeanor and his comforting self confidence.

He was so much at ease, so much in his element and he radiated so much positivity that I was completely taken aback.

He literally beamed up with an infectious smile looking at me and gave me a warm hug.

I couldn't help but react with a wide grin getting pasted on my face for I could sense he was genuinely happy to see me for some weird reason.

We made small talk and then he insisted on personally showing me around the office and started telling what all he had done.

He was like a excited kid showing off his first project to others and I couldn't help but let that enthusiasm rub off on me.

I could also see his confident self multi-tasking, giving directions to his team around and still making me feel as I only held his attention.

For the first time, I first hand saw that day that he really was good at his work - and I started paying attention to him since then.

Even if he was a wolf, I was happy thinking that this wolf was good at his work and was also trying to earn respect by his talent and not just his looks.

Since then, I started making more eye contact with him when we were sitting together in a group, started initiating discussions, started indulging in friendly banter with him.

The more I interacted with him, the more I learnt about his absolutely wicked sense of humor and his thirst for gossips.

Yup, you heard it right. Gossip!

I think people connect the best when they can gossip without being judged - that's the real filter one should use while selecting confidantes, for the type of gossip one indulges in reveals one's true character.

If you intentionally engage in or promote malicious gossips with the objective to berate or destroy someone else, you are a bad soul but if you engage in friendly harmless gossip about someone which you also know is just random banter, you are just a happy soul.

And I was glad to learn that Pedro fell in the later category, unlike GG.

Soon enough, Pedro insisted that I start calling him PP, a name all his close friends address him by.

Though I preferred to call him Pedro for it was a beautiful name just like him, I was happy to comply.

February 2016

Life had been good for me in the past year. I was doing well professionally and my marriage was also going strong.

We had formed a nice clique in office which centered around Rachel and PP.

There were a lot of other young guns in our group and we would end up going out for drinks every now and then.

On one such occasion, Rachel and PP invited a 33 years old team member who can generally qualify in the MILF category and it was just the four of us.

The entire evening we just heard this bitch whine about her marriage and the lack of love in her life.

I would later learn that she became one of PP's usual fuck buddy soon after who he fucks every other week but that night she was a total buzz kill.

Both PP & I kept exchanging looks cussing her telepathically for ruining our highs and we kept laughing among ourselves for our eyes were doing the talking for the both of us.

We had started doing that a lot lately you know - talking through our eyes.

We would exchange looks - across the floor, sitting in a group, bumping near the coffee vending machine, crossing each other in corridors and meeting rooms - and convey our happiness, anxiety, sadness, mock irritation and whatever other emotion we were feeling at that moment to each other.

It was like we didn't need to express how we felt.

I knew just by glancing in his direction what was on his mind and he knew my state by just looking at me.

If someone irritated the fuck out of him, he did a great job at hiding the fact being civil about it, but I knew better.

If he was stuck in an awfully boring conversation, he would zone out while the other person thought he is listening, but I knew better.

If he was excited about something, he won't show but that ever so slight increase in his pitch always gave it away, which I knew better.

If he wanted a certain image of his to be projected to others, he made it a way of life, but his deep down personality and inhibitions I grew to learn and love cause I knew better.

I knew all this but I didn't realize that slowly and steadily, I had started noticing him a lot, that I had started to involuntarily smile a lot when I thought about him or heard his name in a conversation, that I paid more attention to his words than I did to my wife's.

I remained completely and utterly oblivious to the fact that I was falling for him - Falling for him hard!

And then came our biggest wildest craziest party till date.

A whole bunch of us got together on a Friday night and drank like there was no tomorrow.

Simply put, it was phenomenal!!

And I, like the fucking moron I tend to be when I drink, ended up mixing my drinks and I remember being completely sloshed.

When I drink, all my inhibitions tend to shed away so I drink only with people I trust and love and that night, Rachel and PP were them.

I also know this that when I drink too much I become insanely horny, a secret I keep to myself. It's an unintended by product that's why I need to be sure of my company.

Anyways, as we drank in all this madness, somehow soon I found myself next to PP.

We ended up sitting next to each other and our legs started touching.

It was electric!!

I was getting jolts up my spine on every touch.

I didn't know what came over me but I reached out and started stroking his thigh just a little.

He didn't seem to mind so I let my hand stay there a while. He didn't seem perturbed by that as well.

But I was becoming greedier and bolder with each passing moment.

I don't know who I had become, but I just couldn't resist exploring him further and I shifted my hand to his back and started rubbing it.

I then realized that he was actually built like a Greek God!!

I swear I have never behaved so slutty in my life, but I couldn't hold back my temptation.