Swallow It

It was strange going through the same day again. Zach would've thought there'd be more of a butterfly effect as the small differences in the way he acted changed the universe, but in reality it felt just like an echo--the same notes just ringing slightly different. So even though he woke up at the same time as Dion did rather than 10 minutes later their morning was substantially the same, similar sex, similar conversation. Zach found that he almost had some subconscious ability to act through the day as if it were the first time, so it didn't feel affected when he made the same joke, or kissed D the same way, it felt just as spontaneous as it had before. If he were a philosopher he might've been able to draw some profound conclusions from this state of things, but Zach figured it best not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

So he went through his sex filled morning, and then his talkative brunch, and then his walk with Sara in much the same way as he had before. He could almost have forgotten his night time excursion until he and Sara walked into Sara's room and found Adriana in a pair of pajamas watching Netflix on her computer and eating chips.

"Oh hey guys," Adriana said nonchalantly. She raised her eyebrows at Sara's sig chi shirt, "pretty late in the day for a walk of shame, don't you think?"

Zach burst into laughter, a tear coming to his eye.

"As if you look much better Zach," Adriana said a little off put by his reaction. She closed her computer to focus on the two of them, "not that I can talk, I don't even remember walking home. But I woke up in my bed and didn't lose my purse so I can't've been that bad. God, those Chi O girls are so full of themselves, and don't get me started on the SAE brothers, BORING. But it looks like you two had fun huh? Tell me everything."

Zach felt high on relief. Now here was a change in the universe. He basked in the feeling as Sara filled in Adriana on all the gossip. Jake came in a little later and the 4 of them had a great time chilling out in the air conditioned room, nursing their hangovers and chatting about their Friday night parties.

Eventually Sara kicked the guys out so she could get changed and nap. Zach wanted to do the same but then he didn't need to worry about taking the time, so he told Jake to give him a minute to change and took a pause to sleep away the last dregs of the hangover before he got changed into some of his own clothes. He did keep on Dion's raggedy old hat though as he walked out of the room refreshed and went with Jake to get some food for dinner later. He found it fit him like a glove.

"So, you think she likes that guy?" Jake asked quietly as the two freshmen waited in line at the on campus sandwhich shop.

"Do I think who likes who?" Zach asked, confused by the out of the blue question.

"Oh come on man--Sara! And president beta cuck or whoever the fuck he is."

Zach almost laughed but he could tell Jake was in a bit of distress, so he answered seriously, "I mean, yeah, I think she likes him. She did stay the night and then have breakfast with him." Zach left out the positive review of Brian's penis.

"Yeah, but like maybe that's just cause she was waiting for you or something."

"Nah I don't think so."

"I mean, what kind of senior wants to get with a freshman anyway?"

Zach raised an eyebrow, "The kind who can?"

"Nah but you know what I mean, he sounds like an asshole."

"I didn't think so. I thought he was pretty cool. If anything he kinda reminds me of you."

Jake didn't know what to do with that and he fell quiet as the line moved along. When they were about to reach the counter there was a commotion behind them as a large group of frat guys got in line. Zach heard a familiar voice and it sounded pissed off.

"No, I didn't fall for some fucking Nigerian prince shit, this is like Anonymous or Russian hacker fuckery, fucking everything is gone," Nick was bitching loudly to one of his frat brothers as they fell in line behind them, "Don't give me that call Apple bullshit, I was on the phone all day with Apple they couldn't do shit. I gotta spend the rest of the fucking weekend rewriting my history paper, whole weekend is ruined."

A small grin broke through Jake's general gloominess, "Doesn't that dude always sound like he's having a great time?"

"At least he's staying upright today," Zach whispered even as he felt his dick stir at the memory of the last night. The boys got their sandwiches and left the shop, steadfastly avoiding eye contact with the pissed off junior.

They decided they weren't ready to head back to the dorms and walked around campus chatting, eventually finding some free Adirondack chairs to hang out in.

"So seems like you're building up a stable, huh dude," Jake said, "a junior and a senior too, you're gonna make the freshmen boys jealous."

"I feel like you need a couple more for a stable. Maybe like a paddock."

"The fuck is a paddock?"

"You know, the like small field they have next to a stable. Only let out a couple horses at a time."

"Sounds pretty gay."

"Horses aren't gay dude those fuckers conquered the world."

"Yeah but then we got tanks and now horses are for girls and gays."

"Fair point. But yeah, I got a top and I got a bottom so all my bases are covered."

"Like it both ways huh?"

"Yup."

"Doesn't it like hurt though?"

"It can but it's not supposed to. Use lube, take your time and stuff. Can hurt a pussy too, right? And besides a little pain can be hot."

Jake grinned at that, "You fuckin horndog."

"What? As if we wouldn't find some fucked up shit if we looked at your browser history dude."

"Fair point."

"So...Sara huh?"

"I mean I thought we were getting along."

"Sure, but I don't think her hooking up with another guy means you weren't."

"Means something."

"Yeah, it means she wanted to hook up with that guy. There aren't other girls you would wanna hook up with?"

"Maybe."

"I just don't think you should get too hung up on it Jake. Like be a friend and maybe something happens eventually maybe it doesn't. In the meantime look around yourself. I'm sure you're getting some swipes on tinder. Besides, you probably don't want to date a girl in the dorm anyway, that shit goes bad and you won't get a moment's peace."

"I hear you man. Did I make an ass of myself earlier? When I asked her like 'guess you went to sig chi.'"

Zach laughed, "No, but your ears got red."

"Fuck," Jake said, his ears starting to go red again, "when I was a kid they'd call me dumbo over it. Happens if I get even a little embarrassed."

"Well, when I was a kid they'd call me faggot so count your blessings."

Jake looked abashed at that and he said, "Dude, about Sean yesterday, I feel like such a piece of shit outting you like that and then he does that--"

"Don't," Zach said, his voice going quickly cold. He hadn't been thinking about what happened yesterday, it felt like so long ago. "And you didn't out me dude, I'm just out and he heard about it and was an asshole."

They sat in awkward silence for a bit. Zach hadn't really let himself think about Sean almost since it happened--he had that terrible fight with Dave, and then he had to prepare for the audition, and then just the fucking rollercoaster of rush and all the rest of it, he'd just kinda shoved into a back corner of his mind the fact that his first and best friend at college had just fucked off the moment he found out Zach was gay. Bringing it back to front of mind didn't make him feel great, but he couldn't seem to put it away again.

"Did you see him at all last night?"

"A little bit," Jake said, "I think he was avoiding me though. He got really sloppy drunk. Made out with an ADPi sophomore on the dance floor, I couldn't find him when I headed out."

"So much for Emily huh?"

"I guess but it's surprising. Like he said he wanted to marry her, but then first piece of ass that comes at him he's all over it? I don't know, like I joked that's how it goes but just didn't necessarily expect it that quick--" Jake's phone buzzed and he took it from his pocket, "well speak of the devil."

Jake started texting while Zach looked on. Eventually Zach's curiosity got the better of him, "What's up?"

Jake finished up the text he was typing and then passed Zach the phone, "See for yourself." Zach started scrolling:

Sean: "what up"

Jake: "nm"

Sean: "sry didn't see you much last night that shit was crazy"

Jake never responded to that. Another text came in a minute later

Sean: "we still climbing tomorrow?"

Jake: "idk are we?"

Sean: "wya?"

Jake: "sitting in the quad"

Sean: "...you with Zach?"

Jake: "yup"

Sean: "...can you tell him I wanna talk?"

Jake: "tell him yourself."

As Zach got to the end of the text thread he saw the typing ... bubbles keep coming up then disappearing, till eventually they just disappeared and stayed gone. He handed Jake his phone back, and shortly after he felt his own phone buzz in his pocket. Jake grinned a bit as Zach pulled it out.

Sean: "Hey"

Zach was about to type "hey" back but he deleted it. He wasn't even going to respond to just a "hey".

Sean: "Sara said you got the part, congrats man that's great"

Zach wrote out a sarcastic reply about it being in spite of some things, but he deleted it again.

Sean had a few ... bubbles of his own before the next text came through.

Sean: "look, I'm an asshole. I'm really sorry. I feel awful about it. Can we like take a walk?"

Zach thought for a moment before he responded

Zach: "I was gonna go for a run if you want to join"

Sean: "absolutely"

Zach: "I gotta go back to my room to change I'll meet you there"

Sean: "I'm in mine already so ready to go when you are"

Jake and Zach headed back to their dorm and went to their separate rooms. Zach got changed real quick and when he walked out the door Sean was in the hallway waiting for him.

"Hey," Sean said awkwardly, "I heard you go in, so figured I'd wait out here." He looked a little paler than usual and had some circles under his eyes, obviously coming off a bad hangover.

"Hey," Zach said cooly, "Let's get going we've got like an hour of sunshine."

Once they were outside they stretched a little, and then without saying a word Zach was off with Sean running to catch up.

The two of them had gone on a couple runs before, usually with Zach struggling to keep up with the longer legged soccer player, but Zach has been racking up miles at a superhuman pace the last week, and he'd had plenty of extra time to get rid of his hangover, so today he got to set the pace. He didn't hold back as he alternated between sprinting and jogging, leading the two of them off campus and towards the state park about a mile away with good trails. A couple miles into the run they made their way up the biggest hill in the park. As they started to hit the steepest incline Zach kicked into a sprint the rest of the way to the top before he slowed to a stop at the old civil war memorial that topped the hill.

Zach gasped for breath, taking a swig from his water bottle, and turned around to see Sean just making it up the hill and then bending over and holding his legs as he heaved in air. Sean stayed like that for a few seconds before he ran over to the nearest bush and booted in it. Zach was thankful the hilltop was empty but for the two of them.

"Shit," Zach said, "sorry I didn't mean--"

"Dude," Sean said between breaths then he took a swig of water, swished it around his mouth and spat it out, "that's not the first time I've puked on a run and it won't be the last. Practice hasn't even started yet."

The two of them panted together as they caught their breath, then took a seat on a bench near the base of the monument. They had a perfect view of the school and the better part of the town, glowing gold as the sun was getting low in the sky.

"So yeah," Sean said once he could talk normally, "I was a real fucking douchebag."

"Didn't make me feel great," Zach said staring at the water bottle in his hands.

"Didn't make me feel great either. Actually just about all I've been thinking about since. It's not how I see myself. I've never called anybody that before. Like literally ever. I punched my friend in the face when he called a smaller guy on our high school team one."

"No offense Sean but being the first guy you called a fag doesn't make me feel great either."

Sean flinched at that, "I know. That's not what I meant I--" he paused for a bit, looking out at the view. Zach couldn't help but notice how handsome he was--his strong silhouette as sweat ran down his neck, his freckles standing out against his flush cheeks, his bright red crew cut hair looking like fire in the light of the sunset. Zach looked down at his feet feeling ashamed, feeling like he deserved to be called a fag if he couldn't just sit here with a guy and not think about how attractive he is.

"Like, we've talked a lot, but we also didn't talk about a lot you know?" Sean said.

"I think that's always true."

"Sure, but what I mean is--let me start over. I haven't told you about my dad at all have I?"

"I don't think so."

"I know so. I never bring him up. He's the pastor of our local church and he's a fucking asshole. He didn't even want me to come here, my granddad signed onto my loans, my dad wanted me to do a seminary. And he always goes on and on about fags even while he's fucked a dozen married women in his congregation. And when I said that it was like I heard his voice in my mouth and it fucking scared me. It made me hate myself. So I fucked off and got drunk, and then I decided fuck it if this is who I am go all in and I got shitfaced and found some random sorority sister because fuck the girl I told I love her, I'm just a piece of shit right. I couldn't even get fucking hard dude."

There was an awkward silence. Zach said quietly, "I feel like somewhere there's a great son of a preacher man joke but it's just not coming to me."

Sean's nerves broke on a laugh, "There isn't man. People always think there is but there isn't. I don't even know what I'm saying. Just feel like I'm making excuses or something, and that's not what I want to do."

"Let me take a stab at interpreting--you did the thing none of us want to do and became your parent for a bit, but you hated it and couldn't go through with it. Fair?"

"Yeah I think so," Sean said.

"Regretting it doesn't explain why you did it though."

"Yeah that's another thing," Sean said looking embarrassed. "I think it was because I was jealous."

"Jealous?" *Is Sean coming out to me right now?* Zach thought to himself shocked.

"Honestly man, I feel silly saying it, but I thought we were better friends than you and Jake. Not to be weird about it, but you've been like my best friend since we got here. And I figured you must think I'm some kind of asshole if you'd come out to him but not me. Like I was some jerkoff evangelical. So I lashed out. I'm not trying to say it was right I'm just trying to explain it. I'm so sorry man."

Zach felt like a jackass as he thought to himself *No you fucking idiot he's not coming out to you, he's talking about being fucking good friends and making mistakes and you gotta be a stupid thirsty fag and jump to 'maybe he wants to have sex.' Pull your shit together.*

With an abashed smile Zach said, "Well apology accepted. And honestly I'm sorry I didn't come out to you earlier. I'm not sure why I didn't. But if it makes you feel better, I didn't come out to Jake so much as Jake asked me out of the blue 'so you're gay right?'"

Sean laughed at that, "Yeah that sounds like him." Sean sat up from the bench and reached a hand down to help Zach stand up. The sun was nearly touching the horizon. "Can we hug it out?" Sean said holding up his arms. Both sweaty from the run they embraced in a big long bear hug, both surprised at how much emotion they felt in it, and the catharsis.

"Also," Zach said as they separated, grabbed their water bottles, and started walking down the hill, "Not to jinx anything, but if I had to say one friend was at best status it's probably you."

"In that case best friend, can we please just walk back to the dorm? I think if I have to run another mile I may keel over."

And so Zach and Sean walked back to the dorm, chatting and laughing together like nothing had ever come between them.

Sara and Jake were both thrilled to see Zach and Sean reconciled when they got back. They and Adriana were getting ready to watch Casablanca when Zach and Sean returned to the dorm, but when they found out Sean hadn't seen it before they agreed to wait for the two of them to shower before they started the movie.

Waiting for Sean who called first dibs on the shower, Zach found Mike finally back in their room and the roommates caught up on each other's nights. Mike had taken some pill at ATO and forgot most of his night but overall he thought he remembered having a great time. He also had a new number from somebody named Devin, but he wasn't even sure if it was a frat brother he was hanging out with or a sorority sister he ate out.

Zach was just going into detail on his first bong hit when Sean opened the bathroom door to their room wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. He was dripping wet and Zach couldn't help but admire the hint of a six pack and lightly freckled body.

"Sup Mike," Sean said nonchalantly before turning to Zach, "You're up Zach."

"Cool," Zach said trying to subtly reposition his chub as he stood up and Sean went back to his room. Zach told Mike he should head over to Sara's room and watch Casablanca with them, before Zach hopped in the shower and quickly cleaned himself up.

When he got back to Sara's room the girls were sitting on Adriana's bed perpendicular to the tv while the guys were filling up the futon that faced it. Zach went to sit on the ground in front of the tv when Sean said, "We can make room dude," as Sean scooched Jake over and patted a small spat he'd opened up between him and Mike.

"I don't mind the floor, it'd be a tight fit," Zach said.

"Nah you're fine get your skinny ass up here," Mike said, "Now play it again Sam," he added to Sara who started the movie up. Zach wedged himself between Mike and Sean while Sean draped his arm on the futon behind Zach's shoulders to give him some room. Sean was always a little touchy, or at least he didn't think almost anything of physical contact with guys, and Zach appreciated Sean wasn't acting any different now that he knew Zach was gay as Sean rested his hand on Zach's shoulder and their thighs rubbed against one another. Mike didn't seem to mind having Zach wedged against his side either.

As the movie got started the freshmen talked and passed around popcorn and made funny comments, but as it started going they were all drawn in by it and it wasn't long before they were all watching with rapt attention. Zach, had probably seen Casablanca a dozen times, but he'd seen it that often because he loved it and he loved watching it with his friends. But when his phone buzzed he didn't feel guilty not paying attention. He took it out and turned the brightness all the way down for the dark room and checked his messages--it was Dion.

D: "How's it goin buddy"

Zach: "Pretty, pretty good. Watching Casablanca with some friends. Hbu?"

D: "frankly my dear I don't give a damn

"Wait that's the wrong one

"Of all the frat parties in all the college towns in all the world you walked into mine"

Zach: "I honestly may die from how corny that was lolol"

D: "We'll always have rush night"

Zach: "XP"

D: "lmao sorry I couldn't resist"

Zach: "I mean honestly I love it Casablanca is my favorite"

D: "It is a good one"

And Dion sent a picture of the Casablanca poster he had on the wall across from the foot of his bed, conveniently including his crossed bare legs and feet as he laid in bed.