I was still struggling with my sexuality, was I bi or gay or a confused straight man, I was no longer sure. The porn I watched was straight porn, it was women who drew my eye. I didn't fantasize about men. I was hooking up with girls and wasn't giving guys a second look.
Tom and I were both 21 and we both moved back home to live with our parents.
Toms parents were wealthy, they had a large house and land. They had horses, pool table, Jacuzzi, sauna, home cinema. They were going away on a five week cruise and Tom invited me to stay over with him for a week. I thought it would be nice to catch up as I hadn't seen him since we finished university.
I wasn't thinking about sex or hooking up. I was just looking forward to getting away from home for a week. Going out into the city for the evening, having a bit of a holiday. I took the train and Tom picked me up from the station and drove us to his parents house, I had the guest room.
the first night was just a regular night, getting take out, watching tv. The usual stuff, played a few games of pool. The next day we took a trip into the city, did some shopping, had lunch and came back home. At around 6pm Tom opened some beers and we got chatting.
"You seeing anyone?" Tom asked me.
"Not really, had a few dates. Nothing serious" I replied "You?"
"No one, thinking about asking Kelly out though" he said. "Seen any guys?"
"Just women" I said "have you been seeing any guys since uni?"
"Nope, last guy was you" Tom said smiling. I didn't respond. Tom looked at me. "How do you feel about it? Do you still think of yourself as straight?"
"I don't know" I said. I truthfully didn't find guys attractive and hadn't looked at a guy that way. I had been with girls since Uni but sometimes I still stroked myself to the memory of what Tom and I used to do. "I'm not attracted to guys" I told him.
"Well you know I'm Bi....but can I ask you something?" Tom said.
"Sure"
"If you aren't attracted to guys why did you agree to...you know.. be my first?" He said.
"I don't know, it was a crazy time. We were all horny, you are my best friend. I care about you. It made me feel good I suppose." I told him. "I was flattered to be asked and it felt amazing when we did it."
"But we kept doing it" Tom said. "How did you feel about that, if you are straight?"
"I don't know, it wasn't like an attraction thing. It's hard to describe its like a power thing I think" I wasn't doing a very good job of explaining. "It feels good and powerful at the same time...kinda primal".
"I think I get it, I enjoyed the feeling of being taken I guess. Making my friend feel good while he makes me feel good is also why I loved it" Tom told me.
"It did feel good" I agreed. "Have you ever told anyone about it?" I asked.
"No, I actually enjoyed keeping it secret" Tom said. I knew not many people knew he was Bi, certainly his parents didn't know.
"Don't you mind?" I asked.