The Way You Say My Name

“Jamie, the guy’s a drunk on his way to the pen for God knows how long. He’s bound to be lying to save his own ass.”

“Why now, though? He’s already taken the deal. He’s just waiting for the judge to impose sentence. What could he possibly have to gain by making up this story?”

Dillon waited until the doors closed and then pressed the button for the sixth floor. He did his best to reign in his temper, but he was mad as hell at Sledge for stringing Jamie along. Still, Dillon managed to sound halfway civil when he said, “Who knows why people lie? Maybe he’s one of those sick fucks who enjoys playing games with people’s heads. Or maybe he feels so guilty about offing Ben that he’s made up this thing about Ben already being dead just to make himself feel better. Who knows? I’ll tell you one thing, though. Brandon is gonna be pissed when he finds out you went to see the guy.”

The look on Jamie’s face made Dillon feel guilty, but he couldn’t help it. Jamie needed to understand that Sledge was lying. Dillon wanted this to end, for Jamie’s sake as well as his own.

The elevator doors opened, allowing them passage to the sixth floor of Chicago General. Just before they got off, Dillon raked his fingers across Jamie’s cheek. “You mad at me?”

Jamie moved slightly into Dillon’s hand. “No, I’m not mad at you. I know you’re only saying what you’re saying because you wanna help. Doesn’t mean I agree with you, but I know why you’re saying it.”

That was something, anyway. They walked off the elevator and searched for room six-eighteen, the number the volunteer at the visitor’s desk had given them. They found it without trouble and were just about to go inside when someone said, “Hang on for a second, boys.”

Dillon recognized Ash’s father from the handful of times he’d visited Ash. He’d always liked Mr. Barnes. The guy was friendly, if a little bit immature for a man his age. He was always jetting off, leaving Ash in the hands of housekeepers and nannies. It was just rotten luck that no one was on staff the night Ash tried to do himself in. Dillon’s parents might not be the best in the world, but at least they were always around. Attendance had to count for something.

Ashton Barnes the Second looked nothing like his son. Ash was tall and dark-headed, where Mr. Barnes was medium height and blond. Mr. Barnes was wearing a white silk shirt and black tailored slacks, whereas Ash was jeans and t-shirts all the way. The only similarity at all was the eyes, and, even there, Ash’s eyes were a darker shade of brown than his father’s.

Dillon introduced Mr. Barnes to Jamie. After shaking hands with them both, Barnes said, “Listen, boys, there’s a private waiting area down the hall. Do you think we could go down there and talk?”

Dillon wanted to say no. He’d had enough of waiting rooms and private chats. He took one look at Mr. Barnes’s pleading face and heard himself saying yes just as Jamie said the same thing.

Once they were seated in the waiting room, Mr. Barnes said, “I don’t know how to thank the two of you enough for what you did.” He looked down at his hands where they lay trembling in his lap. “I know I wouldn’t win any father of the year awards, but I do love my son. I’d be lost if anything ever happened to him. When I think about what could have--” He broke off, his face strained with the effort of holding back his tears. Once composed, Barnes said, “I just thank God you were there.”

Jamie shook his head. “Mr. Barnes, you don’t understand. This whole thing was my fault to begin with.”

Dillon was about to protest when Barnes beat him to it. “You can just put that nonsense out of your head, James. I saw the letter, and the pictures. When he woke up, Ash told me everything, including the fact that Ben Lewis was the one who asked you to bring Ash that vile note in the first place. My son also tells me that you had no idea what was in the envelope when you took it to him.”

“That’s true. If I’d known, I never would have taken it over there.”

“I believe that, James, but in a way, I’m glad you did. I wish I’d been there when it happened, so that maybe all of this could have been prevented, but at least now Ash knows the truth about Ben. Maybe this will help him get on with his life and find a good man or woman to love. Someone capable of loving him back.”

Dillon was shocked. “You don’t mind that Ash is bisexual?”

“No, I don’t.” Mr. Barnes fiddled with his sleeve cuffs. “I can’t say that I’m happy, not because he’s bisexual, but because I know that bisexual people face prejudice from both the gay and straight communities alike. It isn’t like he has a choice, though, and I intend to stand by him, no matter what.”

Dillon never thought he’d have reason to envy Ash, but at that moment, he did. Why couldn’t his parents see it the way Mr. Barnes did? He shook himself out of it, just in time to hear Jamie say, “Mr. Barnes, about the money . . .”

“You mean the blackmail money?” Jamie nodded, and Barnes sighed. “I’m so sorry Ash had to find out about that. That’s the only reason I paid Lewis off, you know. I wasn’t worried about him outing Ash like he threatened. That I could handle. I knew, though, that Ash would be crushed when he found out Lewis was just using him. I wanted to protect Ash. I hoped if I paid Lewis off, Ash would never find out.”

Jamie nodded again. “I understand that, Sir, but see, the thing is, Ben left the money to me when he died.”

It was Mr. Barnes turn to look shocked. “You’re kidding.”

“No, Sir. Believe me, I wish I was.” Jamie rubbed his right hand across his face. “Mr. Barnes, that money belongs to you. I want you to have it back.”

“I don’t know what to say. That’s very generous of you, James, but you don’t have to do that. I owe you for saving my son’s life.”

“No, you don’t. To be honest, I wouldn’t feel right about keeping it now, no matter what. Knowing what Ben did, and where that money came from, changes everything.”

Mr. Barnes looked to Dillon. “Is he always this loyal and trustworthy?”

Dillon rubbed his leg against Jamie’s and grinned. “Always.”

Jamie steered the conversation back on topic. “The money is in a safe deposit box. If you’d like to meet me at the bank tomorrow after school, I can give it to you then. I’m not sure how much of it Ben spent, but I do know there’s about forty-two-thousand dollars left.”

“Forty-two-thousand? I’m sorry, James, but you must have miscounted.”

“Like I said, Sir, Ben may have spent some of it--”

Mr. Barnes shook his head. “You misunderstand me, son. I wasn’t trying to say that any money was missing. In fact, just the opposite. I paid Ben one lump sum of twenty-thousand--even. That means there’s twenty-two thousand extra in that box.”

#

Jamie and Dillon stood outside the door to Ash’s room. Jamie hoped he’d washed the confusion off his face so Ash couldn’t see it. The last thing Ash needed right now was to be dragged back into this mess.

Dillon knocked on the door. They heard a weak, gravely “Come in,” and entered the room.

Ash was lying in bed wearing a hospital gown and a manufactured smile. He looked like pure hell, but he was alive, and that’s all Jamie cared about. Ash had been victimized by Ben, and for some reason, Jamie felt responsible. If he’d been able to love Ben back, maybe Ash never would have been involved.

Ash broke him out of his morbid thoughts. He motioned to a couple of bedside chairs. “Sit down.”

Dillon took the chair closest to the wall, leaving Jamie to sit directly facing Ash. Jamie had a feeling Dillon had done that on purpose, and Jamie couldn’t fault him. He and Ash needed to talk.

Ash must have had the same idea, because he said, “Dillon, I know I owe you both, but, um . . . do you think I could talk to James alone for a sec?”

Dillon nodded. “I think I’ll run down and get something to drink. You guys want anything?”

Ash managed a laugh. The sound coming through his injured throat reminded Jamie of the scrape of metal against concrete. “ I don’t want anything, thanks. They’re pumping me so full of fluids now I feel like I’m gonna pop.”

“Nothing for me, either, Dillon.”

“I’ll be back in a few, then.” Dillon pulled the door closed as he left.

There was an awkward moment of silence while Ash searched for what he wanted to say, and Jamie waited. After staring down at his hands for a full three minutes, Ash looked up and said, “I’m sorry.”

“Look, Ash, you don’t have to--”

“Please, James. It hurts to talk, so just let me get it out.” Jamie nodded as Ash continued. “I have a whole lot to apologize to you for, from that stupid showdown in the hall, to the way I acted at the church, to trying to kill myself while you and Dillon were in the next room. For what it’s worth, I only tried that at the church because I wanted to know what it was Ben saw in you. I wondered what you had that I didn’t. I guess I thought if I could try you out for myself, I might see it, and then it wouldn’t hurt so bad. Pretty stupid considering the only thing Ben ever actually saw in me was a pay-off.”

“Yeah, well, I loved Ben, and I don’t imagine I’ll ever stop missing him, but in this case, he was an idiot. He could have had something real with you, Ash. It’s not your fault he didn’t seize the opportunity.”

Ash leaned further back into the pillows. “Maybe one day that will matter to me, but right now I can’t really see it that way, ya know?”

“Yeah, I do. I spent a whole two years wondering what was wrong with me, why I couldn’t have the one guy I really wanted. It took me a while, but I finally figured out it was him, not me.”

“That guy, was it Carver?”

“One and the same.”

“And now you and him have the real thing?”

“I think so. That’s what we’re working towards, anyway.” Jamie leaned forward and put one cautious hand on Ash’s arm. “And just because Ben wasn’t it for you, that doesn’t mean there isn’t a guy out there just waiting for you to find him. But, Ash, you’ve got to stay alive to find that, man.”

Ash closed his eyes. “I know. It just hurt so bad. I felt so, I don’t know, lost, I guess. The sheriff’s brother recommended a shrink here at the hospital who’s helping me work through it all. Dr. Carson said as long as I keep all my therapy appointments and submit to an evaluation every month, I can probably go home in a couple of weeks.”

“Cool.” Jamie hesitated. “What about school?”

Ash closed his eyes. “You know, huh?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, man. You may not believe this, but Dillon and I didn’t tell anybody.”

Ash opened his eyes, and the look he gave Jamie was pure sincerity. “I know you didn’t, James. I never even thought that.”

“So, how--”

“How do I think the fact that I’m gay and had a flaming affair with Ben got plastered all over the school?” Ash shrugged. “Who knows? Chad came rushing in here this morning, yelling at me, wanting to know when I turned ‘fag’ on him.” Ash snorted. “Like this is something I did to him. I tried to explain to him that I was pretty much bi, but he didn’t wanna hear it. He left without ever telling me where he heard it, but I gathered it had gotten around, somehow. To be honest with you, I don’t really care, not anymore. So, I’m out. So what? What am I gonna do, kill myself over it? You see how well that worked out the last time.” He pointed to the bandage encompassing his throat. “Believe me when I say I won’t be trying that again.”

Jamie gave Ash’s arm a squeeze before withdrawing his hand. “When can you go back to class?”

“Actually, I won’t have to. Morgan came to see my dad this morning, not long after Chad left. Told him I have enough credits to graduate. My college acceptance is already in, so all I have to do now is wait it out until fall.” He lowered his eyes. “I’m glad I’m not gonna have to face those guys. I’m not worried that they know about me and Ben, but I hate the way people look at you when they know you’ve tried to commit suicide. It’s like they’re just waiting for you to freak out and try it again. I’ve seen enough of that from the few people who’ve visited me. You and Dillon are the first visitors I’ve had who haven’t made me feel like a charity case.”

Jamie nodded. “They look at you the same way when they find out you don’t have parents. A person can only stomach so much pity before he feels like he’s gonna hurl. I understand how you feel.”

Ash smiled, a real smile this time. “I believe you do, James. I really believe you do.”

#

Jamie had only been home for twenty-minutes when the phone rang. It couldn’t be Dillon, because he’d just dropped Jamie off on his way in to work. Jamie was tired, and nursing a headache. He hoped the caller would just go away, but after the sixth ring, he gave in. Reminding himself to set the answering machine to take over after the fourth ring next time, Jamie picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Wanna tell me what in the hell you were doing down at the county jail talking to Barry Sledge?”

“Well hello to you, too, Sheriff. Great to hear from you.”

“Don’t dick around with me, Jamie.” Brandon’s voice was hard, but even agitated, Jamie could tell Brandon held no real malice against him. His next words proved his only motivation was concern. “You have no business rubbing elbows with people like Sledge. Haven’t you been hurt enough?”

If Bran was mad about Jamie visiting the jail, he was gonna hate this next part. “I know you’re not happy about me meeting with Sledge, but he said some stuff I think you need to hear.” Jamie took a deep breath. “He said he was pretty sure that Ben was already dead when he hit him.”

“Uh-huh. And did he also tell you that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy were all planning a coup to break him out of jail, too, because that scenario is just as likely as the one Sledge is trying to sell you.”

Jamie could feel himself getting angry. “So you aren’t even gonna look into it? Ben’s death doesn’t mean enough to you?”

Brandon’s sign reverberated through the phone. “Jamie, I understand how much you want to believe that Ben’s death was something other than it was. You want it to mean something, but the truth is, it was just another meaningless tragedy. Sledge may spin a pretty good yarn, but he left out a few details.”

“Such as?”

“Did he tell you that the autopsy results proved that Ben died with injuries consistent to those sustained by a high velocity impact, such as a motor vehicle?”

Jamie could feel the wind draining out of his sails. “Uh, no, he didn’t.”

“Big shocker there. I guess he also forgot to mention that my men investigated his claim the second he told us and found no evidence whatsoever to back up his story. Oh, and I suppose he neglected to mention that at least seven people at Philly’s Tavern saw him down enough beer and whiskey to intoxicate a third-world country.”

Brandon might be right about Sledge, but he didn’t know about the blackmail, either. Jamie intended to keep it that way, at least until he found out about the other half of the money. If Ben had another innocent victim out there, the last thing Jamie wanted to do was put another man through the hell Ash had suffered. Forcing out the words, Jamie said, “I’m sorry, Sheriff. I guess I wasn’t thinking.”

Brandon’s voice softened, and Jamie felt even guiltier than he already did when Brandon said, “The only thing you have to apologize for is calling me Sheriff. We’re friends, so it’s Brandon or Bran to you. As for wanting to believe Sledge, I understand it. Just talk to me first next time, okay?”

“I will.”

“Good. Stay out of trouble, squirt.”

The minute Jamie heard the click, he disconnected and began to massage his throbbing temples. He had to find out who Ben’s second victim was. He fell asleep at the kitchen table with his head propped on his arms, still wondering how in the hell he was gonna pull that one off.

#

Dillon was one of the few guys he knew who actually enjoyed his job, even though it consisted mostly of stocking shelves and cleaning the store. He’d been working for Jim Pembroke, pharmacist and general manager of Savings Central Drugs, since he was fifteen and old enough to get a work permit. Jim was easy to work for, treating his employees like real people and not a bunch of robot workers. He paid even his teenage crew well above minimum wage, making Savings Central one of the most sought after places to work by the high school set.

Still, Dillon was grateful when his shift ended. He’d been distracted all night, worrying about Jamie and his single-minded search for answers regarding Ben’s death. Dillon could strangle Barry Sledge for feeding Jamie that story about Ben having already been dead. Dillon didn’t know what kind of sick game Sledge was playing, but he intended to find out.

He was so caught up in his thinking as he walked out into the lamp-lit parking lot and towards his car, he didn’t see his mother until he all but knocked her down.

“Damn. I’m sorry, buddy.” Realizing who it was, Dillon said, “Uh, sorry, Mom.” He pulled his thick coat tighter to his body, the sudden chill he felt having little to do with the freezing weather. “What are you doing out here?”

Angela Carver was so thickly encompassed by her down jacket and her wool scarf and hat, Dillon could barely see her face, but he heard her voice loud and clear. “I came to talk some sense into you, Dillon. I want you to come back home, son.”

Uh huh. Sure she did. Dillon eyed her with pure suspicion. “Let me guess. All I have to do is give up Jamie and agree to go to that gay-deprogrammer you and Dad want me to see.” Dillon shook his head with disgust and started walking to his car.

Angela was with him, step for step. “It’s not an unreasonable request, Dillon. Your dad and I only want what’s best for you. This depravity will eat away at your soul.” Her voice quivered. Angela was better than anyone Dillon knew at trotting out the tears on command. “I can’t stand to be separated from you, Dillon. I miss you.”

Dillon turned to face his mother at the same time as his hand settled on the Lumina’s door handle. “Being gay is part of who I am, Mother. There’s nothing depraved or perverted about being the way God made me.”

Righteous indignation replaced the tears in Angela’s voice with fiery anger. “Homosexuality is an abomination in the sight of the Lord. Living as you’ve chosen to live, you aren’t fit to call on His name. Don’t you dare bring God into this.”

It was Dillon’s turn to get mad, and he did so with a vengeance. “You’re the one who shouldn’t bring God into this, at least not until you’ve gotten your facts straight. The only place in the Bible that even says that about homosexuality is the Old Testament, back in Leviticus or some place. That same book says you’ll go to Hell for eating pork and shellfish. Remember that the next time you make your famous pork loin roast or cozy up to the all you-can-eat crab leg special at Harry’s House of Seafood.”

Angela stepped back, giving Dillon enough room to open his car door. She may have stepped back, but she wasn’t done, not by a long shot. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Dillon.”

“The hell I don’t. You know who never said one word against homosexuals, Mom? Jesus. You know who He did warn against?” Not giving her a chance to answer, Dillon said, “Jesus warned against narrow minded bigots who pass judgment on other people, trying to substitute their own narrow-minded bullshit for God’s word. Jesus also said that most of these ‘reformers’ are dirtier than the so-called sinners they’re trying to save. Maybe you need to clean out your own damn closet before you start trying to stuff me back into mine.”

Stunned would be an apt description for Angela at that moment. “You’ve been studying this?”

Dillon slid into the driver’s seat of his car, turning his face up to his mother. “Studying? You have no idea how much I’ve studied, how much I’ve read. I didn’t choose to be gay, but I do choose to know as much about it as I can.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys. “A guy never knows when some half-crazed homophobe is gonna try to convert him. Anybody who would give up a tenure teaching job just because the principal she works for refuses to help have her son committed to a mental institution has gotta be some kind of nut.”