The Way You Say My Name

"Maybe I'd better do this alone."

Dillon paused, his key poised in the Lumina's ignition. "No way, Jamie. Ash more or less tried to ram his cock down your throat the last time. What's he gonna do for an encore, strip you down and rape you?"

"Yeah, well, he was drunk last time, too."

"Who's to say he won't be drinking this time?"

Dillon had a point, but Jamie wasn't about to tell him so. Besides, he had to make sure of one thing before giving in. "You're not gonna jump on the guy and start pounding him the minute we walk in are you?"

Dillon gave Jamie his most angelic smile and said, "Me? Never." When Jamie made the "Yeah, right" face, Dillon said, "I promise, Jamie, I'll be the soul of understanding and compassion."

He sounded so sincere, but Jamie wasn't buying a single word of it.

By the time they pulled up to Ash's house, it was pushing seven o'clock. Jamie said, "He may not even be home. It is Friday night."

"Then we track him down." Dillon parked at one end of the circular drive and shut off the engine. "I want you to give him that damn letter and be done with it, Jamie. There's no way you can move on and start putting Ben's death behind you when you're constantly getting dragged back in."

That was one thing they were in perfect agreement on. Jamie wanted to end this, to settle it once and for all. He had a bad feeling about what was in that letter to Ash. He'd know that Ben had some fuzzy areas when it came to right and wrong, but he chose to remember Ben as the loving, devoted friend he'd been, not the desperate kid who often did whatever struck his fancy to earn a quick buck. Jamie didn't want to know any more than necessary.

Ash's house smacked of old money, from the cobblestone paths leading to the house from all directions, to the thirty room mansion itself. Jamie looked up, certain Ash's father must be having some sort of party. Every one of the more than twenty windows at the front of the house was brightly lit, giving the red brick, colonial façade an eerie orange glow. Jamie stopped short of the massive, oak double front doors. "It looks like they're having a party, Dillon. Maybe we should go."

Dillon shook his head. "I don't think so. Remember what Ash said at Ben's memorial service? His father and his new wife have gone on a second honeymoon. It's only been two weeks. I doubt seriously if they'd be back yet."

"Maybe Ash is having a bunch of his football cronies over."

Dillon looked around. "Then where are all the cars? Or the loud music? Hell, with that crowd Ash hangs around with, someone would be shit-faced and standing in the front yard crushing beer cans between his naked ass cheeks."

Jamie could have gone years without having that visual image in his head. He gave in and rang the doorbell. He and Dillon waited, listening while the chimes echoed throughout the home. Jamie half expected one of those old English butlers to answer the door, but a red-eyed Ash came to the summons instead.

Ash took one look at Jamie and Dillon, turned white as death, and said, "What are you doing here?"

"We came to talk to you, Barnes. You gonna let us in, or what?"

"Look, Carver, if this is about what happened at that memorial thing--"

Jamie stepped in. "It's not, Ash. We know you were drinking that night or none of that stuff would have happened."

Jamie thought he saw Ash relax a little, but not much. "If you're not here so Carver can kick my ass, then what are you doing here?"

God, this was hard. Jamie cleared his throat. "I, um, have a letter for you."

Ash narrowed his eyes. "A letter? From who?" His eyes went wide. "You're not suing me for assault or anything are you? Look, I know I was out of line there at the church, but I never really touched you. If you think you're gonna make me pay just because I made a play for you, you can just forget it."

Dillon didn't have much patience to begin with, and Ash had just stretched it to its limit. "We're not here to sue you, dumbass. We're here to deliver a letter from Ben."

"Ben, who?"

Jamie knew what was coming. He tried to signal for Dillon to stop, but it was too late. Dillon said, "Ben Lewis, Barnes. You know, the guy you were screwing?"

Ash looked first at Dillon, then at Jamie. After giving them both his best impression of a deer caught in the headlights, he promptly threw up.

Jamie glared at Dillon. "Help me get him back into the house so we can clean him up. Thanks so much, Mr. Understanding and Compassion."

#

Dillon and Jamie sat in the family room at the back of the Barnes house, waiting while Ash finished showering. Dillon had cleaned up the mess in the entryway, while Jamie had gotten Ash calmed down enough to clean himself up. Now they were just waiting. Dillon cursed himself. He should have just kept his mouth shut, but that was damn hard where Jamie was concerned. Dillon couldn't stand the thought of Jamie getting hurt, but it was more than that. Ash's attitude, his total denial of the relationship with Ben--of even being gay--stung. It reminded Dillon far too much of the way he'd treated Jamie two years ago.

He looked around the Barnes house. He'd been here a couple of times before, for some of those raucous parties he mentioned to Jamie. One thing always struck Dillon. No matter how many people were here, be it ten or a hundred, the house always seemed empty. The furnishings were top of the line, and Ash's father had obviously spared no expense with the decorating, but the place had a museum like quality, as if no one actually lived there.

Ash came back in a few minutes later. His hair was still wet, and he was wearing fresh clothes. The thing that got to Dillon the most, though, was the lost look in Ash's eyes. He'd seen it once before, the night of Ben's memorial. He hadn't recognized it the first time, mainly because he hadn't known about Ben and Ash, but he now saw it for what it was. It was the same look Dillon had worn for the entire two years he'd been without Jamie. Dillon's heart immediately started to soften towards the guy. Ash had been in love with Ben.

Ash took the chair directly across from the sofa Jamie and Dillon shared. He was quite for several minutes before saying, "How much do you know?"

Dillon was gonna let Jamie handle it from here on in. He'd done enough damage himself. Jamie said, "Not much really. Ben told me that his boyfriend used to meet him at the old Tanner Mills, and that said boyfriend's family owned the place. We tracked you down through that."

"Why, though? What does it matter now? What, you wanna out me because of the way I've treated you? Go ahead. At this point, I don't even care."

"No one's gonna out you, Ash." Jamie pulled the thick envelope out of his coat pocket. "Ben left me the key to a safe deposit box in his will. There were two letters inside, one for me, and the other labeled, 'To be revealed.' In his letter to me, Ben's last request was that I find out who his boyfriend was and give this to him. I've done that." Jamie stretched out the hand that held the envelope.

Ash looked at it long and hard before reaching out to take it. Even then, he held it between two fingers, as if it was a poisonous snake about to strike. Ash looked to Jamie. "What's in here?"

Jamie shrugged. "That, I couldn't say. Ben asked me not to open it, so I didn't. My job was to find out who you were and to deliver it." He stood up, prompting Dillon to do the same. "I've kept my word. Now maybe Ben can rest in peace."

Jamie turned to leave, and Dillon followed. They'd almost made it to the door, when Ash said, "Wait." Then, a little quieter. "Please?"

Jamie turned. "What is it?" Ash lowered his head. "Could you stay with me while I open it? I . . . I'm all alone here. My dad won't be home for another week, and--" He broke off, but not before Dillon heard the trembling in his voice.

Jamie trekked back across the room. "Is that why all the lights are on? Because you feel a little less lonely?"

Ash looked up. "Yeah. How did you know?"

"I used to turn all the lights on at Aunt Sadie's, right after my mom left." Jamie smiled. "Used to drive my aunt crazy, but I think she understood."

Ash was so miserable, Dillon could feel it, even from where he stood. "It's always been like this. My mom is busy with her new husband and their kids, and my dad . . . well, I know he loves me, but he's got his own thing goin' on. Know what I mean?"

Jamie nodded and reclaimed his seat on the couch. Dillon joined him, and then looked to Ash. "Where's Chad? I thought you two always spent the weekends hangin' out."

"He wanted to, but I didn't feel like it. I haven't felt much like partying since, well, you know."

"Since Ben died?"

The look Ash gave Jamie was heartbreaking, even to Dillon. "Yeah. Not since then."

Dillon couldn't stand it. "Look, Ash. You and I have sorta been friends most of our lives."

"So?"

Dillon leaned forward. "So, friends tell each other stuff. Talk to us, man. Tell us what happened."

Still holding the letter, Ash leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes. "There's not a whole heck of a lot to tell. I've known I was probably gay for a while now, but except for the occasional blowjob at one of those rest stop glory holes out on the interstate, I haven't really done anything about it. When the urge got too bad, I'd go out there, get my rocks off, and be finished until the next time. That's where I met Ben. Well, not met him, exactly. I mean, I knew him from school, but the rest stop is the first place we ever hooked up."

When Ash paused, Dillon said, "Not to be an ass, but what about all those girls you're always, um . . ."

"Screwing? Cause that's all it ever was." Ash opened his eyes. "Sure, I've had lots of sex with a lot of girls, but I never used any of them. Every single one knew that I wasn't gonna make a commitment. And I wasn't using them as a cover. I like girls--even like the sex--just not as much as I do with guys."

Jamie nodded. "You're probably bisexual, then, with a preference for men."

Ash closed his eyes and leaned back again. "Probably, but none of that really matters, anymore. I don't want to be with anybody, male or female. All I wanted was Ben. Then he dumped me, and before I could make it right, he died."

Jamie's whole body went rigid. "Wait a minute. What do you mean 'Ben dumped you?'"

"Just what I said. We met that night, after the dance. I'd seen that kiss he gave you. I got so pissed, I ended up telling Ben I wanted him to make a choice: me or you." Ash opened his eyes again and glanced at Jamie. "I know that was the wrong thing to do, especially since I'd just gotten done feeling up Blair Dees on our way into the gym. But Ben was the one who wanted to keep things light. He suggested that I keep dating girls--keep sexing them up--so no one would get suspicious. Hell, I guess I was using girls as a cover, after all. Nothing like fucking a woman at your boyfriend's request." Ash laughed, but the sound held about as much joy as a public execution. "After I saw him lay that kiss on you, I realized just how much I had to lose if I lost Ben. I begged him to stay with me, to make some kind of commitment. I even told him I was ready to come out, to tell everyone about us, my father included. He freaked out when I told him. Said he didn't want that with me. He walked away from me, but not before telling me he never wanted to see me again."

Jamie looked more confused than Dillon had ever seen him. "Ash, are you sure about that, about what he said, I mean? Think real hard. Ben told me the exact opposite of what you're saying now." Ash looked at Jamie like he was crazy, but there was no malice in his voice when he said, "Of course I'm sure. It's not everyday a man loses the only person he's ever really loved. Why do you think I spent the next twelve hours calling him every thirty minutes, begging him to meet me at the foreman's house so we could talk? He finally gave in somewhere around call number twenty-three. I guess he was on his way to meet me when he was hit by that car."

Jamie looked like he wanted to say something, but Ash must not have noticed. Dillon saw it, though. It took him a minute, but the pieces eventually clicked. If Ben was on his way to meet Ash, what was he doing out on Tully Road, in the opposite direction from Tanner Textile?

Ash picked up the envelope again, holding it with a firmer grip this time. "You really don't know what's in here?" When Jamie shook his head, Ash said, "Might as well find out," and tore into it.

Dillon watched as Ash pulled a folded piece of white paper and what looked like an envelope from one of those twenty-four-hour photo places out of the larger envelope. Dillon remembered Ben's words from the letter Jamie had read to him over the phone. I took something from him I had no right to take or something like that. He had a bad feeling about what could be in that photo package. Dillon was about to suggest that Ash go for the letter first, but it was a moot point. Ash reached for the paper first, anyway.

Ash didn't even make it to the first line before he started tearing up. He held the paper out in front of himself. "Would you read it? I don't think I can."

Dillon wasn't sure if Ash was talking to him or Jamie, but judging from the look on Jamie's face, he was in no better shape to read it than Ash. Swallowing hard, Dillon leaned over and took the letter from Ash's hand. Clearing his throat, Dillon began to read.

"Dear Ash, I've done a lot of really bad shit in my life, but I can honestly say I've never felt guilty about any of it. Not until now, that is. Most of the guys I screwed over had it coming. The way I see it, they got what they deserved. But not you. The only real crime you committed was getting mixed up with a hustler. Yeah, that's me. I was a hustler, Ash. A whore. I was pretty damn good at it, too, if I do say so myself. Where do you think I learned all those little tricks I used on you? Come on, admit it. That ass flexing thing I used to do drove you wild." Dillon stopped long enough to wince. Definitely too much information. He sighed and continued reading. "I can't take all the credit, though. I learned from the best, a guy named Burke Carpenter. Burke was my foster father/pimp. Hell of a guy, let me tell you. Actually, as far as pimps go, he wasn't so bad. He started me early, and by the time I was fifteen, I was pulling in the cash. Not that I ever saw any of it. Burke gave his boys just enough for clothes and food. At first it seemed like an okay deal, but the older I got, the more I got tired of sucking cock and bending over just to make some guy who's supposed to be taking care of me rich. That's why I finally ran away. I was picked up and sent to Nora's, and from there, you know the rest. Just thinking about how much money I lost to that guy makes me mad, so I'm gonna shut up about him. Before I do, though, there's one more thing I have to tell you about good ole' Burke."

"Burke might have been a sleaze, but he was damned smart for a piece of slime. Burke always said, 'Diversify your interests.' I had no idea what that meant when I was fifteen, but now I know that it's the same thing Nora means when she says, 'Never put all your eggs in one basket.' Anyway, Burke's idea of diversifying his interests was to tape his boys having sex with their clients. We aren't talking your average clients here, either. Some of the guys were city leaders, police officers, trust fund babies. Burke had a stable of wealthy regulars. Why do you think no one's ever been able to shut him down? He has too many satisfied customers in high places for that to ever happen. Like I said, Burke is smart. He never counted on just the income he made from whoring us out. He'd tape these guys having sex with us, and then use the tapes for leverage. Not only would he get the fee they paid him to 'do' us, but he'd have something he could use against them later on. Like I said, sometimes he'd flat-out ask for money, but most of the time it was favors he was after. I may have hated the guy, but he was a good teacher, and I'm a quick study. I decided to diversify my own interests. That's where you come in."

Dillon felt like he was gonna throw up. He knew what was coming. Apparently, Ash did, too. Dillon looked across the coffee table. Ash was a sickly shade of white, but it was his expression that chilled Dillon to the bone. Rather, his lack of expression. Not a single one of the thousand emotions Ash had to be feeling was written on his face. In a dry monotone, Ash said, "Keep reading. Finish it." Dillon looked to Jamie. The pain on his face was evident, but Jamie only nodded, giving Dillon the signal to do what Ash said. With little choice, Dillon picked up where he'd left off.

"J was always telling me that I was better than most people thought, but I knew that wasn't right. I know myself for what I am, well, was: a hustler who's always looking out for the bottom line. You deserve to know the whole truth, so I'm gonna tell you, as bad as it is."

"Our little meeting at the rest stop was no accident. Oh, the first time I saw you there, I had no idea you were gay, but I soon found out. I saw you and another guy sucking each other off in one of the bathroom stalls. Those glory holes do come in handy. I knew you were rich, so I staked you out. Took me about two months of ground work, but I finally engineered a run in with you. I built our relationship slowly, and the minute I had your trust, I knew we were ready for phase two: fucking. You helped by choosing the Mill for our meeting spot. Lots of places to hide a camera in that old foreman's house. I'm not as high-tech as Burke was, so I went for one of those time lapse thirty-five-millimeter cameras, the kind that can be set to take pictures every few minutes. I'd set the timer before you got there, get you all hot and bothered, and by the time we were both naked--slide show city."

"I took the pics to one of those one-hour-photo places and trotted them down to your dad's office. Told him unless he wanted to see his son's ass plastered all over the Net and beyond, he'd pay up. Since I didn't need any favors, I asked for cold, hard cash. Your dad forked it over without even putting up a fight. My plan worked better than I'd ever dreamed. The only problem was, I grew to like you too much."

"I'm what Nora always called a one-man-man. She claimed that no matter how much I screwed around, there would always be one special guy who held my heart. She was right about that. I wish that guy could have been you, but the truth is, James Walker had me wrapped around his finger from day one. Just because I couldn't love you, though, doesn't mean I didn't care. Okay, I didn't at first. To me you were just a red-hot fuck/meal ticket. But as I got to know you--as a person, not just as a wallet--I realized that what I was doing was seriously fucked up. When you started telling me you loved me and begging me not to break up with you, I lost it. That's why I broke things off. Don't get me wrong. I didn't feel bad enough to give back the money, but I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. Who knows? Maybe doing that one decent thing will get me into Heaven. I used to believe that if there was a God, he wouldn't waste his time on me, but meeting J changed all that. Only God could send someone like him to a guy like me. Anyway, in the inner envelope you'll find the only copies of the pictures I took. Well, besides the ones I gave to your dad, but I'm sure he destroyed those the first chance he got. Just so you know, your father didn't seem to be upset by the fact that you were gay, Ash. He was mad as hell that I was using you, but the gay thing didn't seem to enter into it. He may have a hard time showing it, but the guy really does love you. He said he'd do anything to protect his son. When you read this letter, try to remember that someone really does care about you. Even if I was never able to. I'd say I'm sorry, but you'd never believe it after all this--Ben."