I awoke at six thirty the next morning. So many years of early school classes had conditioned my body to wake up early. I looked around me and Tom was not in bed with me. I don't know why I'd thought he might get up in the middle of the night and come to me. I was miserable, distressed over the fight the night before and wanting to make up with him.
But did he want the same?
I staggered into the bathroom and realized my shaver was in my bedroom. I usually shaved before I took a shower but not today, I thought. I took a shower and without any clean clothes I put my robe on. I lay on the bed trying to decide if I wanted to go to Tom first or make him come to me.
My dilemma resolved itself. I heard Tom in the hall talking with David. I heard him ask David if he knew which room I was in. A few seconds later there was a soft knock on the door.
I waited before responding, my heart pounding. There was another knock.
"Come in."
Tom came in looking like hell. He'd slipped on some jeans with his white tee shirt and wore athletic shoes without socks. He looked at me, searching for my response. I wasn't sure how to respond, perhaps childishly not wanting to be the first to offer the olive branch.
I lay on the bed just looking at him. He walked to the end of the bed and knelt at my feet. He kissed my feet tenderly.
"I worship the ground these feet walk on, Lucas. I'm sorry that I hurt you. Can you please forgive me?"
He buried his face in my feet. I slid down the bed and sat up. I pulled him up and he buried his face in my lap. I stroked his soft hair, damp from his shower.
"I don't even know why you love me, Tom," I said miserably. "I'm a fucking sorry ass coward and I don't deserve you. Don't tell me you worship me because it only makes me feel worse."
**********************
TOM'S STORY:
I sat on the end of the bed and held Lucas in my arms. He was totally miserable and seemed lost. I kissed his face tenderly.
"Tom, I'm so sorry for all of this. This'll never work out because I'm not good enough for you. You're one of the truly good guys and you need someone better than me. I expected you to call a cab and leave me during the night."
His handsome face was torn with anguish. He seemed disgusted with himself, almost as if his own ego had disappeared. He looked down at the floor, embarrassed, and I lifted his face to mine, forcing him to look at me. I kissed his lips gently.
"I'm not going anywhere, baby. I told you before that you make me crazy. I'm in love with you, with all of you, the good and the bad."
His eyes were suddenly wet and Lucas fought for control. I was watching the strong silent He-Man of our campus slowly come unglued.
"It's all right, baby, I'm right here. You can cry."
"I never cry, Tom."
I held him close to me. He always said he never cried but he'd cried with me once before. He'd been upset over it for a couple of days so I never mentioned it to him again.
"Tom, it'll never work out," he whispered. "I told you, I'm not good enough for you. You're not good enough for my family. Fuck, I'm not good enough for them. I've tried so hard all my life but nothing's enough for Mama and Daddy. And now they know I'm gay."
I realized with horror what I'd done to Lucas by outing us. He was in the closet for many reasons, as a lot of gays are. But most of all because he felt he wasn't good enough for his family and now not even for me. I pulled him into my arms and held him tight. Lucas clung to me as if his life depended on it.
"Baby, you'll have to physically throw me out, or have your Daddy do it, because I'm not leaving you here. We're going home to New Hampshire and I'm going to make everything all right again."
"I wish it could be..."
"It can be, sweetheart, if you'll just let it. Don't you love me?"
I felt him nodding into my neck.
"You know I love you, Tom."
"I know that, baby, don't you see? I know how much I mean to you, how much we mean to each other and I'm never going anywhere without you."
"Daddy's so mad with me. He said he'll be nice to you today but I don't know. Just try not to upset him, Tom. Or Mama. I'm so sorry, Tom."
"I figured you fixed everything with him last night when you went downstairs," I laughed softly.
"Tom, you don't understand my family and it's why I didn't want you to come. They're, they're, uh, what's the word? Mercurial?"
"A nice word for saying you never know what the hell to expect from them. I kinda gathered that already," I laughed.
"It's not funny, Tom. Daddy can be so nice one minute and a total monster the next. He might be nice when we go down or he might want to tear your head off. And Mama...she and Daddy..."
"What? They seem like they stick together. I like your mother. She's nice."
"No. Mama can be nice when she wants to be and she and Daddy get SEEM to get along but you don't know those two. Everything goes okay with them sometimes for months and then it's World War III."
"I guess we dodged the bullet then. It's not World War III."
"Be careful, Tom, just don't make them mad, please. Daddy's already upset over us being gay and Mama..."
I took his hand in mine and kissed it. Lucas was literally sweating, swallowing hard, nervous as hell.
"Lucas," I said softly. "It's okay, I get it. You're afraid of them. You don't need to hide it from me."
"You don't want me, Tom, I'm not right for you."
"Don't say that. You can't hide it from me. I know what's going on here."
"Tom, no. Don't say it. I'm not worth it."
"I'm going to say it," I said brusquely. "You're fucking scared to death of your father. Terrified. And of David. And of your own damn mother. What the hell did they do you, Lucas? I should have seen it on the ride home from the airport and definitely after you just took all that shit from them. Tell me, Lucas. What kind of abuse was it, physical, sexual?"
"Oh, god no, Tom," he gasped defensively. "You can't understand. It's not like that. Daddy just has high standards for our behavior and we got into a lot of trouble as kids."
"And he beat the shit out of you, didn't he? So did David. You're a grown man and you're fucking six feet five inches tall! FUCK these people! Stand up for yourself. Your father and mother's one thing, I can understand that, but your fucking brother?"
Lucas literally seemed to shrink when I said it. He and David were obviously the same height, Merry didn't look taller but he was a monster of a guy, a former defensive tackle for nine years in the NFL. He was intimidating as hell and I could see how a child could become terrified of him if he was as unpredictable as I was beginning to see.
"David protects me. He's never hit me unless we were sparring practicing karate. Tom, it's complicated. Daddy just believes in the biblical 'spare the rod and spoil the child' thing. And you see, we've all turned out just fine. David's a doctor, James is in dental school and I'm..."
"Stop it, Lucas. I don't care about all of that. Your father treats you like shit, he treats everyone like shit and he gets away with it. He's a fucking tyrant. And your mother...what kind of woman lets her husband treat her kids like he does?"
"No, Tom, you're wrong. He's a little pushy sometimes but he loves us, he has our best interests at heart. Tom, Daddy had the right to question us, to make sure everything's right. And he's really disappointed that I'm gay."
I could see that even at his age Lucas thought his father was right to control him. Nothing I said to him was going to break through. Classic.
"And David? What's your excuse for him?"
"He loves me and he's just looking out for me. There's a special relationship between me and David. We're different from James and Sally, haven't you seen it?"
"How, Lucas? I know David's protective of you, he called you his special little man. But he's a little over the top, fucking WAY over the top."
"Okay, I'll admit it. Maybe Daddy overdid it with David. He told David he was a man when he was fucking twelve and that he was responsible for looking after us when he and Mom were working. But it's worked out okay, don't you see?"
I held him tight and wanted to kill his father. And what the hell was this special relationship with David? How were they different? I searched my mind for an answer as I held him. What hadn't I seen in those two that was different?
"Lucas, I love you and this is going to end."
"I'm fine. I heard you talking to David. Was he better this morning? He was so tired last night. I worry about him working so much. And Daddy's so hard on him."
"Your brother David really apologized to me this morning and told me he was totally out of line. He said he'd just come out of fifteen hours in the ER and that he was in no condition to be having conversations with anyone."
"David really IS a good person, Tom. He's just..."
"I should have seen it, Lucas. It was right in front of me. On the way here from the airport your sister practically ordered me to put up with your father and so did you. And then you BEGGED me to let him have his way, to not say anything. You four kids are grown and you're letting your father control you like you're ten years old, all of you."
"It's not that bad, Tom. You're reading too much into it. Come on, let's just make up and go home this afternoon."
"Baby, as far as I'm concerned we just had an argument and I was a fool. I should never have thrown you out of your own room. Couples fight even though they love each other. And I told you, I love you so much I can barely breathe.
"I'm so sorry, Tom. I should have stopped Daddy, I shouldn't have let him treat you the way he did. It's just that...
"You don't have to say it. I can see it for what it is."
Lucas' face was red and I could see in his eyes that he was humiliated. It was classic abuse. He loved the ones who abused him, the ones he could never please. His apologies, his incredible sorrow, startled me. This was not the Lucas that I knew.
"Now you see I'm not perfect, that I can't let you worship me. After yesterday I'm not even sure why you'd love me. I probably would've raced out of this house, called a cab, and never spoken to me again if I'd been you."
I pulled him closer to me and held his head on my chest.
"I couldn't do that, baby. You make my world whole. I suspected yesterday that you're afraid of your Daddy. I think everybody in this house is afraid of him."
"Not Mama."
"I don't get it. Why are you afraid of David? He's your brother, for god's sake."
"I'm not afraid of David, Tom. Really I'm not. David protects me from...it doesn't matter, Tom. Just let it go. It's just that I was always getting into fights as a kid and causing trouble for him. He does a lot for me and always looks out for me."
