The Pinball Machine

Monday

Ricardo: Hey hope you had a good day, I just had some pretty interesting conversation with my mom.

Marco: What did you guys talk about?

Ricardo: Her relationship with my dad, and I guess that reminded me eerily about me and Arash

Marco: I am guessing in a bad way?

Ricardo: Yeah, feels like I was treated in a lot of ways similarly to her, which makes me believe that it was not only Arash's mental illness that led him to act the way he did with me.

Marco: That is kind of what I have been telling you for months. Tell me, what was it that made you change your mind so much on him? You used to defend him a lot.

Ricardo: I think that it was reaching a tipping point with him, it just felt like things could never go back to the way they were then

Marco: He was still an asshole to you even when he was not "sick"

Ricardo: You are right, I guess it just took a while to get the rose-colored glasses off. I know I have a long way to go as far as healing from him, but I need to start with accepting it.

Marco: And preparing for his eventual attempt to return, which I fear will happen.

Ricardo: I think something very important that I need to do is give up hope, give up hope that he will change and be nicer, or that he will make me feel like he wants to be monogamous with me, and that isn't it easy. I think the harder you hold on to something, the harder it is to let go.

Marco: I wish I could give you a hug, I am very proud of how far you've come.

Ricardo: in other news, my new laptop is here, check it out!

Marco: Look at that beauty, what color is it?

Ricardo: Dark gray, although I did get a nice blue case for it, I will probably playing around a lot.

Marco: Haha, it is beautiful machine, I would love to have one like that.

Ricardo: I am just glad to finally have a laptop after so many years, I am looking forward to doing so many things on it.

Marco: Oh yeah, a laptop is a game changer, especially for a spoiled kid like you who does his schooling from home haha.

Ricardo: Well if you want to me to buy you that Tesla I promised you, I'll need the best tools.

Marco: Oh gosh just hurry up with that, I would love to be able to fall asleep while driving and be auto-piloted home.

Ricardo: Sounds totally legal haha.

Marco: Oh yeah, that is totally illegal, but as you know I am not one for following a lot of rules, remember what I wanted to do while I was in Colombia?

Ricardo: Yep and I was so pissed off at you for even considering it.

Marco: Yeah and you really slapped some sense into me, thanks for that. On that note I do need to go to sleep so I will talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight!

Ricardo: Sleep well!

Tuesday

Ricardo: -Starts typing-

Marco: Yes? :)

Ricardo: So I have been messing around with the laptop and have tons of notes for it.

Marco: Oh yeah? Share them with me.

Ricardo: So first, the battery life is really good. I did manage to play a game on it so I am very excited about it. I do have to say that I find the lack of USB ports to be kind of annoying.

Marco: Yep, something to get used to with that brand. The battery life is pretty amazing though. Knowing myself I will most likely end up with a pretty colorful desktop.

Ricardo: Wait, don't you game? Wouldn't that be a problem?

Marco: Eh, not that much to be honest.

Ricardo: Didn't you play undertale? My friends and I had a joke that Undertale wasn't a real game and that is why we had never met anyone who played it, I guess you proved me wrong.

Marco: Did not actually finish it, I guess it just wasn't my type of game.

Ricardo: What is your type of game?

Marco: I am not sure, for sure not that one haha. There are a couple of indie games I really liked. Guess my type is uncomplicated games.

Ricardo: You could always get one of those videogame subscription, they are usually not that expensive and they let you play soooo many videogames.

Marco: I don't think I have enough time for all of those.

Ricardo: Why have you been putting yourself through so much lately with work? Are you saving up for something haha?

Marco: No, it is freelancing, which means it is not a constant stream of money. I guess I want to save up in case of a dry spell.

Ricardo: Have you ever had one of those?

Marco: Not exactly, but I have had dry weeks, funnily enough not during the pandemic. But lately it has been insane, talking about which, I need to go to bed, talk to you soon xo.

Ricardo: Rest well!

Wednesday

Ricardo: So you once told me you are a college professor but never really elaborated on it.

Marco: Oh yeah, well I teach at a university that deals with cinema back in Italy. For a month every year I teach a very specialized course.

Ricardo: Oh on what? Do you have to travel there for that?

Marco: On ballet recording, it used to be something I was very much into.

Ricardo: Oh wow, you are so cultured, I mean I think anybody would be if they were Italian. Do you actually like teaching?

Marco: Haha, I do love it, but I wouldn't say Italians have more culture than other people.

Ricardo: Well, at least northerners do (Although my opinion is very biased). On an unrelated note, remember how I told you that my hormones had failed? Well I finally seem to be getting some facial hair, so I will grow it out, much to my father's dismay.

Marco: I think beards are a little overrated, but one would suit you. I don't think you should worry too much, I think you will get more as time goes by.

Ricardo: Maybe for some guys like you, but I am not so sure if I have the looks or presence to pull that off.

Marco: I do think you do, you rocked those suits last week. Plus you did seem to have a certain sense of style, would give you props for that.

Ricardo: Haha thanks. No one in my family really lets their beard grow out. So not sure if people will like it, still crossing my fingers.

Marco: You are young, time to experiment with your appearance and look sexy.

Ricardo: Is it weird that I wish Arash could be here for this moment?

Marco: Not really, well yeah haha, but I understand, he conditioned you to enjoy experiences through him. I hope you are feeling well

Ricardo: I am, or I guess I am trying to. I do feel this weird sense of calmness that I did not when he was around. I do think about how he had told me about the things we would do once I got my laptop.

Marco: Wasn't he the guy who would fall asleep while you guys watched movies?

Ricardo: Yes, you are right. On that note, could I ask you for a favor? I guess in exchange for the NYC restaurant list I asked you that you forgot about haha?

Marco: Haha yeah sure.

Ricardo: I have been getting a lot into watching movies, so even though you once told me that you had a pretentious taste. Could you make me a list of movies to watch?

Marco: Oh man, well yes, I will. What type of movies would you like me to include in it?

Ricardo: Really anything, I do especially enjoy romance and horror, especially if they are gay.

Marco: Well I have never heard of a gay horror movie haha. Would you only like moves in English?

Ricardo: Not really, I am open to watching anything (As long as subtitles are available for my ignorant butt).

Marco: Well maybe you could practice your Italian and Arabic through them haha. Mr. Cosi cosi.

Ricardo: Yeah haha.

Marco: Okay, well that will take me some time to do, I am still working like a maniac. I know I am taking a little time to reply, just wanted you to know that it is not you.

Ricardo: Thank you, don't worry about it Marco. Focus first on keeping yourself together. Although I know you are pretty good at that. How have you been feeling about the guy you broke up with?

Marco: I am still feeling fairly guilty.

Ricardo: Well, I think you did the right thing, you were very careful about not humiliating him.

Marco: Yeah, i instead lied but I do feel like it is one of the scenarios where that was okay. I just was very scared that because of this guy's hygiene habits, if I decided to touch his asshole it wouldn't be clean.

Ricardo: Yeah that does sound a little gross, well maybe more than just little haha.

Marco: Haha yes, time for me to go to sleep. Have a good night and talk soon Mr. I will start on the list as soon as I can.

Thursday

Ricardo: Hello there, hope you had a good day, texting to see if you have a first movie to recommend me

Marco: Oh yeah, what are you feeling like watching?

Ricardo: Honestly I could watch anything, pretty open to most things. I especially like romance, horror, and anything gay. Not sure if there is any gay horror though haha

Marco: Oh don't say that, otherwise I will recommend 9 hours of Serbian mute film haha. Gay horror does exist, not that it is very good

Ricardo: Maybe something on the lighter side tonight, something kind of impactful happened today regarding Arash

Marco: Oh that asshole, what happened now? Did he contact you again?

Ricardo: Yes, he had to, his mother passed away

Marco: Yeah, so? I thought you had said you had never actually met her

Ricardo: Well I figure he wanted to tell me about it. Yeah, I sadly never did

Marco: So then why did he have to make it your problem by reaching out to you, his ex?

Ricardo: I guess I am still part of his support system

Marco: Didn't he say he wanted to be independent and free?

Ricardo: Yeah

Marco: Was that it? You know you don't have to engage with him right? He is trying to weasel your way back in

Ricardo: I just told him that I was there for him if he needed me

Marco: So you are back to playing his game?

Ricardo: I guess so for the time being. What is the film recommendation then?

Marco: Nice dodging of the topic, I will let it rest. Just don't forget what I told you. I recommend Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, it is a romantic film mixed with some sci-fi

Ricardo: Well that sounds like a plan, I will do so tonight.

Marco: Remember, no reading the plot summary before or watching the trailer. Don't spoil the movie for yourself. We can talk about it after

Ricardo: Yeah, I am sure I will have some thoughts, not so sure if I will be able to analyze it the way you would

Marco: Well that is okay, i have always had mixed feelings about movie analysis, would rather to just talk about it

Ricardo: Tomorrow I am getting my second shot, so I will have to go to sleep a little earlier

Marco: Oh that is great, are you worried about the effects?

Ricardo: A little, I have heard that the effects of the second dose are a lot more serious. You have gotten both of your shots right?

Marco: I think you will be fine. Yeah, I have. Maybe the first night will be tough. I need to go to sleep, think you should too, excited to hear your thoughts on the movie. Goodnight xo

Ricardo: Goodnight, hope you sleep well

Friday

Ricardo: Just finished the movie! Wow it was so awesome, I enjoyed it a bunch, thanks for the recommendation. Not so sure I understood everything

Marco: It has quite a convoluted story, but I don't think it was that hard. The first time I saw it I did not understand that the first part is actually all happening at the end

Ricardo: Well that is why they talk about the girl's hair dying

Marco: Yeah, a very smart storytelling device

Ricardo: The mind scenes were a little hard for me to understand

Marco: Well they are quite literally meant to show his brain and what is happening to it

Ricardo: I enjoyed the ending a lot. How the movie showed how things that we like and dislike at first about one person can change throughout our relationship with them, I did not completely understand the title of the movie, like yes, I know it is a poem in the movie, but what does it signify

Marco: Oh yeah, the ending is quite cute. Well the poem talks about the bliss of an unknowing mind but also about how much of a waste it is to not have lived something. I guess it is alike to saying that it is better to have loved and lost than never having done so. It is a deep philosophical reflection on ignorance

Ricardo: You know, this movie was very fitting to what is happening to me right now, I think that last week I told you how I wished I had never met Arash, as that would mean I would have never had to feel the pain of losing him

Marco: Yeah, I think that that is why I chose it subconsciously. Must have been thinking of that

Ricardo: I guess now I know better than to wish I could just simply forget he came into my life. It is true that I grew a lot with him, and that I am a better person after it

Marco: That statement itself speaks of the amount of growth that you have gone through, I am proud of you for it

Ricardo: Still, on nights like this, when I have a fever and shivers after the vaccine, when I wish Arash was still around. I am sure he would help me feel better

Marco: Would he though?

Ricardo: Yeah actually, now that I am thinking about it he really would. My brother says it will get better and then worse again

Marco: You will feel much better tomorrow. I have spoken to a lot of people who have been vaccinated and the effects don't seem to last that long. I am so tired, I have been working 15-hour days

Ricardo: I really hope you are being rewarded for it, it seems like that would destroy anybody

Marco: Oh honey, they do reward me, but it also is such a tiring experience, so I am so glad the week is over and I can finally watch movies myself and rest a little

Ricardo: That sounds great, what is the next recommendation? Bare in mind I am kind of weak so give me something for the sick haha

Marco: Oh well, don't have anything too light, but Harold and Maude seems like something that you could enjoy even in your very vulnerable state

Ricardo: I am going to go lay down, let's hope I have enough energy to watch the movie on my laptop

Marco: Haha cheers to that. You can always just go to sleep and watch the film tomorrow when you feel better

Ricardo: Oh man, I will be such a good husband and father, I will take such good care of those around me when they are sick. I mean what would be the point on studying to become a doctor otherwise

Marco: That all sounds very cute and sweet. I am sure you will be great as well, just please not to that scumbag

Saturday

Ricardo: Welp, I passed out so hard last night, woke up feeling better but my arm hurts a lot and I have a headache (I don't always complain this much)

Marco: Do you at least feel rested?

Ricardo: Yeah, I do remember that last night I really wanted to open my laptop up and watch the movie, but I just was too darn exhausted

Marco: Haha, well you have been staying up very late lately

Ricardo: It is summertime, I have to wake up at 7 most days when I am in school, this is my chance to get back at the system. I did hear that people with the A blood type like me have stronger side effects

Marco: Haha, such a rebel. I do not know my blood type

Ricardo: Well that seems like a very dumb way to die haha

Marco: Oh yeah? How so

Ricardo: Well get ready for some high-level autism... So you live in NYC, NYC has tons of homeless people, not to be snobby but some homeless people steal and/or are heavy drug users, so what if you get stabbed by one and then they take you to the hospital but they don't know which blood type you are? They either let you die or even transfuse you with the wrong blood!

Marco: Well you would be totally wrong there. Even if I knew it, they would not simply take my word for it (Imagine the lawsuit), so they would still run their usual tests. Either that or just give me the universal O, so I think that I will be quite fine haha

Ricardo: Fun fact, the Rh in blood type comes from a type of monkey called Rhesus monkeys

Marco: I knew that already. I like learning about those types of random things

Ricardo: Well that is great! Another adult who enjoys learning for the sake of learning. I was and remain the annoying kid who always speaks in class and has an answer for everything

Marco: I know that haha, I also was that annoying kid, heck I still am

Ricardo: This semester however, there have been exams and stuff that still have made me consider dropping everything and then becoming a streamer

Marco: Haha well that is a career too

Ricardo: Do you have to do tests for the class you teach?

Marco: No I grade them based on their performance on a production we always run

Ricardo: How did you even become involved in teaching, I mean you are very young

Marco: Thanks :) well I was involved in filming that type of thing so they contacted me for the position and well the rest is history haha

Ricardo: How are your students? Have they been nice?

Marco: Yeah, overwhelmingly so. I have felt very respected and that is always good. However. there have been some bad apples. Like last semester this very gay yet closeted student decided to come out to me, and I was like oh, that is very nice, but then he started hitting on me by saying things like "I bet you are a pig in bed"

Ricardo: Oh jeez haha, if I had a penny for every time an Italian gay film professor has told me that a student has made inappropriate advances at them, I would have two which is not a lot but I am still surprised it has happened twice

Marco: Haha, I do have that impression on some students

Ricardo: Would you be a professor full time? Or get a stable job instead of freelancing?

Marco: Maybe the first, I do love the freedom of freelancing so I doubt i would want to change that, maybe if my life radically changes (Been saying the same about smokes), I would like to start a business maybe

Ricardo: Oh? What type?

Marco: Just like what I do but hiring some people for it

Ricardo: I could never freelance, I need a lot more stability. I guess that is why I chose such "boring" path in life

Marco: I don't think that becoming a doctor is boring at all, plus you will get me a really cool car one day haha. Time for me to go to sleep, have a good night

Sunday

Ricardo: So... Harold and Maude, jeez you have some type of magic ability to suggest films about exactly what is going on my life.

Marco: Haha I am glad. It is such a great movie

Ricardo: Oh yeah the tombstone scene!

Marco: It is so beautiful right?

Ricardo: It kind of made me do some things that I wouldn't have done otherwise.

Marco: What do you mean?

Ricardo: I texted Arash last night.

Marco: Oh man.

Ricardo: It probably is not what you think. I watched the movie and by the end of it I felt very emotional. The whole message of the movie hit me, living every day to its fullest, but also death and wanting it.

Marco: That is true, all the intricate suicides he would act out

Ricardo: When they revealed why he was doing it i was so shocked, but it was totally fitting and it would give a lot of replayability.

Marco: So what did you tell Arash?

Ricardo: Just was very emotional about how he must be feeling about his mom. I tried to put myself in his shoes and think about how he must be feeling. Got even a little religious.

Marco: So what now?

Ricardo: Nothing now, i sent him that message and that was it.

Marco: I don't think it is, does not seem like it ever is between you two. Instead of finding someone who would treat you like an actual king which you deserve.

Ricardo: Haha kind of easier for you to say when you look the way you do. Besides, I am planning on staying single for a while, let the special guy come for me instead of seeking him out.

Marco: Hush, we all worry about that. Thank you still :)

Ricardo: Why are you up so late?

Marco: I spent the night with my ex.

Ricardo: Oh wow, so soon?

Marco: Oh no, not this guy, a guy I broke up with like 2 years ago.

Ricardo: I thought it was a scummy thing to reach out to exes?

Marco: It generally is, but not this case, we have both grown a lot, we have become kind of friends.