Chap 7 Trust, Desire and a Wrench
Hello my beautiful readers,
I know it's been a while and I apologize. I see the comments and please do not worry. I will finish my stories. Hopefully this year will be less hectic and I'll get to finish them all. That's the plan anyways. In the meantime, here is my valentine to you. A nice long chapter. I really hope you all enjoy it <3
Much love, xx
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Adam's Pov:
I didn't sleep all night. I couldn't. Every time I tried, something terrible would come into my head. Whether it be my mother on her deathbed or the rape of my omega, I couldn't stop myself from seeing horrifying images every time I closed my eyes. I felt trapped and helpless to do anything for the people I loved. I couldn't go back to the past and save my boyfriend and I couldn't heal my mother. I was useless. Instead of sleeping, I spent my time watching over Benny, kissing his brow and playing with his hair whenever his expression changed in his sleep.
I thought of how he'd asked, or rather begged, for me to be a part his heat following the story of his suffering. His request was so sweet and needy that I could never have turned him down in the moment. Hearing what my omega had been through at the hands of my kind changed how I saw things, though not in the way I'm sure he expected. Before, Benny had always seemed so out of reach to me. An unfortunate circumstance of unrequited love. Now, however, I couldn't imagine letting another hand touch him, for who else could possibly deserve to? A crazy part of my brain even felt like he belonged to me and that he always had, so of course his heat should be mine!
Then, there was the inexplicable sensation that things were changing. I could sense it in the air. I was changing, my life was changing. I would be losing my only family soon but gaining something else, a partner, or so I hoped. Joy and pain was yet to come, I just knew it, and I didn't know what I'd turn into when everything settled back into place. The undercurrent of rage I so often felt during my childhood reared it's ugly face once more and I thought back to my mothers story. Though I knew better, I let my mind wonder about the past I was never allowed to have.
Unsurprisingly, as my thoughts were already troubled over my relationship with Benny, I was now plagued with a new set of worries. What would have happened if I'd been given the right to claim that I was somehow part of Shadow Pack, instead of being considered an outcast? Would I be worthy of my little omega then? Or would I have ended up with someone else?
In theory, I felt I could have had a mate, in spite of the rules set by my parents deal. So what then? What if I hypothetically had one but I didn't know it because my mother had never been honest with me about my father? Would this supposed mate be okay without me or would my abandonment caused them to suffer? Maybe I didn't even have a mate and that was part of their deal? Then I had the worst of all thoughts.
What if Benny was supposed to be mine all along?
What if that's why I had always felt strong feelings of attachment towards him and why I could never walk away? From the moment I first laid eyes on him, I knew I had to get his attention. I was obsessed with showing off what a good Dom I could be for him when he didn't even know me. What if there was a reason behind that? And to that end, what if my failure to be born an alpha was the reason Benny had ended up so hurt and alone? He'd suffered through monstrous circumstances without me by his side, ready to be his protector.
I should have known what a nest was! I should have known what it meant to claim him and how to do it! Shouldn't I?
Of course, logically, this type of thinking could be a stretch of my imagination. Presumptuous even, but I couldn't shake the feeling that everything my sweet boyfriend had suffered through was somehow my fault. Fuck, was I crazy for thinking like this? For feeling responsible? Maybe I was just trying to justify why Benny should belong to me? Or, maybe I was right? Could I be right? And if I was, what did that mean for us?
I went back and forth with myself until my brain hurt and I forced myself to stop worrying about it. I was just a human after all, no matter who my father was. I had to remember that. My worries were probably for nothing. The only thing that really mattered was how I felt about the omega and, in that moment, I'd never been more thankful that he gave me the time of day and that he always came back to me.
"Good morning Master," Benny murmured, breaking me out of my desperate musings as he leaned up to kiss me.
I sighed wistfully, having hoped he'd call me alpha again, but I said nothing about it and kissed him back.
"I can't believe you're still here," he murmured softly with a shy look.
I chuckled in response and rolled him on his back, "I do live here you know," I teased as I ran the tip of my nose against his.
"That's not what I-" he started before I shut him up by leaning into another kiss.
"I also told you that you're stuck with me," I reminded him gently before trailing a line of kisses down his jaw and neck, inhaling his delectable scent as I kissed.
It was sharper than normal and I could almost make out each of the individual scent notes that always alluded me, certain that at least one of them was lavender. The other somehow reminded me of a slow, rainy afternoon. I wanted more. His scent was so thick I could nearly taste it and I wanted to drink I him in. Without thinking I slowly ran my tongue down his neck, across the juncture where the pale column met his shoulder. I only realized my mistake when the smaller man stiffened beneath me. I pulled back quickly but my omega wailed pathetically in response; a chilling sound that was filled with both pain and longing. Then he offered up more of his neck. He looked so unguarded and alluring like that. I almost wanted to clamp my teeth down on that spot, holding on for dear life, but I held back from the strange temptation. I didn't understand why I felt like this but I also knew I needed to reign myself in before I did something extremely stupid.
Benny shivered lightly when I reluctantly stayed away. "Alpha?" he questioned softly. Then he gave me a look so vulnerable that I instantly felt guilty for how I'd gotten him to call me alpha.
"Sorry baby. I know I shouldn't touch you there. I got a little carried away but I won't let it happen again," I explained feeling deeply ashamed of my actions.
The omega pouted at me, "Don't stop," he pleaded, even as I shook my head no. "Please?" he begged before offering up his neck once more.
"I don't want to confuse you," I reminded him and, with great effort, I ignored the seductive offer in favor of kissing my way down his chest. To my surprise Benny stopped me and wrapped his arms around my head, pulling my face back into the side of his neck, back into temptation.
"My alpha can touch me wherever he wants," he insisted. Hearing him say that sent a thrill of pleasure down my spine that was immediately soured by his following words. "It doesn't matter if it makes me uncomfortable or desperate or confused. Do whatever you want to me. Please, don't stop."
"Now Benjamin," I lightly scolded, barely able to keep a hold of myself with how he begged but I felt like stopping mattered more. "It does matter how you feel. It always has. I'm not going to torture you," I explained as I kissed his forehead.
"But you love torturing me!" He protested with an annoyed huff.
I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair, feeling unreasonably hurt and irritated with him for saying that. "Not like that!" I nearly growled as I glared down at him. "I'm not going to use your wolf stuff against you. Even if I have your permission. I won't be like them. I won't force you to lose yourself! It's not some fun little game for me to see you out of your mind with a need I can't meet. I won't be the reason you're like that." I was nearly yelling at this point but the intensity of my desire to be different from the humans that abused him was unparalleled.
"But-"
"No Benjamin! Do not ask again. Don't you remember what you were like? You were so lost and miserable when I couldn't reciprocate in the way you needed, because, despite what you call me, we both know I'm not a real alpha. I'm useless for you in that way. So I refuse to purposely confuse you like that again. I'm sorry I got you worked up over it to begin with. I shouldn't have. I fucked up."
"But.. you agreed to spend my heat with me," he argued, sounding devastated. "D-don't you get that I will crave an alpha during my heat? I always do.. that's kind of the point! And.. even though it's not logical, I don't care what you say! You're not useless. You are my alpha! At least to me and my omega. I can't help feeling like that, so why wouldn't I want you there? And yes, there's a very good chance that I might get confused again. I mean.. honestly, it'll probably be even worse than the night I wanted you to claim me. I can't imagine a moment of it where I won't be begging for your bite. It's not my fault but it's also not yours! Every omega wants to be claimed during heat and I know you can't. I'm okay with that. I'm going into this knowing that I'll be denied and I've accepted that. I am sorry though.. I thought you understood what you were getting yourself into," the omega revealed timidly.
"It'll be worse if I'm there?" I asked, caught off guard. I supposed that made sense but I still hadn't expected to hear it. I thought my presence would bring comfort to Benny during his heat. I didn't know that I was signing up to cause him more distress. I didn't want that. I never wanted to be the source of his unhappiness and I couldn't bare the idea of watching him suffer if everything I did to help only made things worse. "Then maybe.. perhaps it's a better idea if I don't join you during your heat?" I suggested, realizing all too late that it was the worst thing I could have possibly said.
The omega's face dropped and he turned deathly pale. He didn't say anything for the longest time and only played with the bedsheets. Then he suddenly looked up at me, begging me with his eyes to change my mind but I wasn't so sure I should. I didn't want to make him suffer, despite what he thought, and part of me didn't trust that he knew what was best for himself.
"I knew it. I knew you'd change your mind. I'm such an idiot! Of course you don't want to be there. What kind of person would want a ruined omegas heat." He spoke in a small, bitter, defeated sort of tone and I instantly wished I could take my words back.
"Benny, I-" I started softly but he shook his head miserably and rolled over, as if he wanted to get out of bed. I pulled him back, unable to allow him out of my sight when I'd made him so upset. "And just where do you think you're going?" I inquired gruffly, as I held him down protectively. I knew how his feet must ache from our scene the night before and the very idea that he would get up to walk on his own angered me.
