I didn't plan to be a homosexual. I didn't want to be known as a sissy. I didn't want to be used and abused by those who were my friends. I tried to be a normal, heterosexual male.
Mother nature had other plans for me.
My name is John. I've always been on the small side. My height is 5'6" and my weight was 130. I have a narrow waist, a pert, round bottom and long, slender legs. My hair is light brown, naturally wavy, and I let it grow long. I never grew much body or facial hair and what hair that did grow there, I keep shaved off. I wasn't blessed with a large penis. Mine may get to 4 1/2" when excited.
I was always drawn to larger, stronger, more powerful men, feeling content in their company. Throughout my childhood and into my teens, their company kept me safe from bullies. The errands they'd have me run for them, the little chores and tasks demanded of me seemed a small price to pay for the safety of their company.
In the late 70's, in a suburb of Washington, DC, I worked at an engineering firm and lived in a one bedroom Condo. I was part of a circle of friends who played harder than we worked. We'd meet at a local bar usually every night after work and take full advantage of happy hour.
My buddies and I were at the bar, drinking, joking, and enjoying the usual male happy hour sport of eyeballing women. It was then that Cindy approached me with some smart assed remark and half assed flirting. Cin was a waitress working her way through college and apparently I had something she liked.
She certainly had something I liked. She was my height and weight with large brown doe eyes. Like me Cindy is a brunette with a cute pixie cut that framed her face. Her breasts are a nice 34 B with big areolae surrounding fat nipples. She also has great legs that go all the way up and make a big, round, perfect ass of themselves. I would have been a fool to resist her come-on.
We dated the next night she was off and hit it off immediately. Soon thereafter she moved in with me.
The first time Cindy saw me naked, she laughed out loud. I blushed when she told me my dick was the smallest she'd ever seen. To make up for my short comings, she taught me how to eat pussy the right way. My dick was too small and I'd cum to quickly to bring her to climax, but we were determined to make our love life work.
She'd have me go down on her to get her off. At first I was repulsed at the thought of tasting my sperm but soon became used to it. I think it gave her a power trip to see me slavishly licking and sucking her freshly fucked cunt. Cin would become excited and would urge me on, calling me names like, "little dicked, cum eater". When she would orgasm, those names became more vulgar.
After riding my face to multiple orgasms, Cin would always hold me afterwards and apologize for the abuse she'd heaped upon me. I told her that for some reason, I found her verbal abuse stimulating and would become sexually aroused.
"You're suck a good pussy eater Johnnie, I just get so excited riding your face. Calling you names, makes it more erotic for me. I'm glad you understand. We'll incorporate me calling you names more often."
Cin went on to tell me how my dick really didn't do anything for her. "It's like kissing your sister. I mean it's there, but there's nothing happening, really."
I understood and over time, we eventually stopped fucking. She liked to watch me jack off after I ate her to climax. Cindy convinced me that my dick was too small to go into pussies and to accept this form of sex as normal for what she called "little dicked bois."
It was during one of my supervised beat-off sessions, Cin introduced to the soft coolness of using her panties for me to jack myself off with. She was right. Instantly I loved the feel and would shoot my little spunk into the panty in no time.
Well that wasn't good enough for Cin. She wanted me to last longer, not to cum so quickly. She insisted she use the panty on me, and would tease me to no end, before allowing me to hump my little dick to fruition. Soon enough, it was the only way she'd touch my dick. Her verbal abuse continued and as I humped and fucked her hand, she'd tell me she was going to find a big dicked man to fuck her. I found her taunts of me watching a real man fuck her a real turn on.
"Imagine a big cock stretching my pussy. Can you see my juices on it as he plows my cunt raw? Close your eyes and think of those big balls full of cum that will soon be in my pussy. Wouldn't you like to see that Johnnie? Wouldn't it be fun to play with a huge cock, make it all angry and hard? Wouldn't it be fun for you to eat me after he cums in me? Think of that Johnnie."
And I would. I'd imagine a big cock plundering my girl's pussy and dumping a hot load of sperm in her. Most times the thoughts would bring my jack-off session to an abrupt ending. Cin would then hand me her soiled panty and ask me to clean my mess from them.
The first time she made me do that, I was admonished.
"Not that way dummy, not in the sink. Use your mouth. Taste yourself like you used to from my pussy. Eat your mess Johnnie. Maybe it might help you grow a bigger dick."
That, then became the norm.
Looking back at it now, I could see how I was becoming the submissive one in our relationship. But it all came naturally and smoothly, and we did love each other.
Still, I was bothered by my getting excited when she'd point out my inadequacies in the penis department. I was troubled why it turned me on when Cin would tell me she was going to fuck other men with big cocks. My growing fascination with big cocks led me to seek counseling.
I went to a psychologist who listened to my concerns. I chose Dr Boyd. He's a large framed man in his early 50's. Like I said, I've always been comfortable around men bigger than I, so I found it easy to pour my heart out to him.
After I explained what was bothering me, Dr Boyd gave me a couple of tests.
The first was a Rorschach test. Dr Boyd showed me a series of ink blots pictures and asked what I saw in them.
The second test was a word association test where he'd toss out a word and I would respond with the first thing that came to mind.
Dr Boyd wrote down my responses to each ink blot and word association. I made an appointment for the following week so he could interpret my responses and explain them to me.
It was with great trepidation that I entered his office the next week.
"Your responses to the ink blots was very telling. Where most people see a butter fly in one particular blot, you saw a the labia of a stretched vagina. Where most people associate another ink blot with the profile of a dog with big ears, you saw a large penis and scrotum."
" Johnnie, it seems you are dealing with a couple issues. It's not uncommon for men with small penises to have feeling of inadequacies. You do. You have those feelings. It's also not uncommon for those men to find sexual stimulus and gratification when their sexual partners make fun of their lack of sexual prowess."
"It's also natural for men like you to fixate on larger penises. You see, you're envious. You understand that you are unable to bring the pleasure to your partner, that which only a larger penis is capable."
I began to understand that I was not all that unusual. It was coming as a great relief to me.
Dr Boyd continued, "This next part may make you uncomfortable Johnnie. There are, it seems, a small dichotomy of men with small penises that lust for, if you will, men with larger penises. Your type tend to feel inferior and submissive to them. Do you understand so far?
I nodded.
Dr Boyd continued. "The real men shall we call them, tend to revile the lesser man. Some of those lesser men find arousal in that abuse. They are so shamed by their little penises that they feel they deserve to be abused. I guess you could say that they feel it's the natural order, the hierarchy of relationships. I suspect you may be one such man that would fine such maltreatment erotic."
I shifted nervously, but I was beginning to understand the root cause of my arousal when Cin would belittle me. It was becoming clear to me why her talking about big cocks was such a turn on.
"Some of those men with small penises are aroused at the thought of giving their woman to a man with a large penis. They are called cuckolds. There are many of them in todays society. Those small penis men who would rather masturbate than have actual intercourse with their wives or girl friends. These men will initiate threesomes so he can watch the larger penis give pleasure to his woman where his penis is unable."
"You've told me that Cindy dominates your sexual relations, that she no longer allows you to have intercourse with her. I believe, in your case, that you've entered into a female led relationship. You may have done so subconsciously, perhaps not. Regardless, you need the security that a more dominate mate brings into your relationship. More and more, you'll look to her for guidance, for her to make the difficult decisions. I think you may well become a cuckold in the future Johnnie. Based on what you've told me and your test results, frankly I'm surprised you aren't one already."
"It goes farther Johnnie. A large portion of cuckold relationships are based on interracial sex, where the white woman actively seeks a an African American male as her sexual partner. It's not only the contrast of black and white that both the white woman and her cuckold enjoy, but the natural aggression and sexual prowess of the black male. Most black men are well equipped in the penis department, making them naturally superior to the small penis white male. It won't surprise me if you find yourself in such a relationship, sooner rather than later, Johnnie. There is nothing to fear or be ashamed of in that. You and Cindy may select, what they call in that life-style, a bull. Your sex lives will revolve around his needs and desires. Quite naturally, you'll both find your purpose is to serve him. Many white couples find gratification in that role."
The thought of an aggressive black man with a huge black cock fucking Cindy gave me an immediate erection. While I found that unsettling, the next part scared me even more.
Now Johnnie, this may come as a shock to you but it is not uncommon for men with little penises to humiliate themselves by joining in with their wives or girl friends and their larger penis lovers. This is evidenced by the lesser man, so to speak, paying homage to the large penis by performing fellatio on it. By doing this in front of your girl friend, you are acknowledging his superiority. The lesser man may also desire to further demean himself by wearing some sort of feminine apparel. Usually that means he wears his woman's panties when her large penis lovers are, shall we call it visiting? This reduces the cuckold to a meaningless individual in the eyes of his woman's lover. It's the cuckolds way of showing respect and acknowledging his own inferiority. These acts confirm, in the lesser man's mind, his status in his sexual relations with his woman and her partner. They will also serve to confirm to your woman that you are less than a real man, and that you accept her dalliances. It will also define how you may be treated in the future by the women in your life."
"Does this mean I'm gay?"
"Ha ha", Dr Boyd laughed. "No, it does not mean you're homosexual. It merely shows your respect for the men that, ah, well, um, it your case Johnnie, who have larger penises. It's a fetish of sorts. That's not to say that you don't have some latent homosexual in you. You may, in fact, have. I can see you have a bit of a feminine side to you. It's nothing to be ashamed of either. In this day and age, people are more accepting. I would strongly encourage you to explore those feelings and accept them as part of who you are."
"Celebrate those feelings, Johnnie. Revel in your submissiveness. Satisfy your desire to please a real man. I suggest you encourage Cindy to help you in your journey. Denial and shame are difficult burdens to live with. They can have a negative impact on your life. Again, I assure you that, in men such as yourself, what you are feeling is natural. I suggest you come to terms with yourself and embrace who, or rather what you are. Go home, and when you feel confident, you might want to discuss this with your significant other, perhaps your friends as well. Share your feelings Johnnie, share your desires. It will make your relationships stronger."
So off I went with the knowledge that I may be a latent homo with feminine tendencies who has a big cock fetish.
