The Long Road

The phone rang. "Hello?"

"Is Kyle Matthews in, please?"

"This is Kyle Matthews."

"Mister Matthews, this is Doctor Curtis, calling from County General."

Kyle's heart leaped into his throat. A million things went through his mind, none of them good.

Has something happened to Kim, Bryan or the twins?

He wondered, slightly frightened. He never even considered the possibility that the call might have something to do with Jayson.

"What can I do for you, Doctor?"

"I'm calling about your boyfriend Jayson."

Kyle frowned. After a slight pause, he said "What about him?"

"He is here in the hospital in guarded condition. He was attacked and stabbed several times two nights ago. He lost a lot of blood. He's alive, but he's in pretty bad shape at the moment. Both lungs were punctured as were his right kidney and liver. We had to remove his spleen. It required over two hundred stitches to close all of the knife wounds. It was touch-and-go for awhile, but he pulled through. I think he's going to be okay."

"I see."

"He asked me to tell you that he loves you more than life itself, and is very, very sorry."

"He sure has a funny way of showing it. I come home early from work and catch him having sex with another guy. It really shows how much he loves me."

"I understand. However, there were extenuating circumstances that you need to be made aware of. He wants to see you so he can explain why he did what he did."

"Isn't that what they all say? What explanation could there be for cheating?"

"Perhaps, but in this case, there was a reason, and it was very serious."

"And I'm supposed to do what? Run into his arms, forgive him and take him back so he can do it again? No thank you. Been there, done that, refuse to ever do it again."

"No, all he's asking is that you listen to what he has to say."

"I'll think about it."

"Thank you. We hope to move him out of intensive care later this afternoon, or early tomorrow morning. I've instructed the nurses to allow you to see him, if you so choose, and I sincerely hope you do. I thank you for your time. Goodbye, Mister Matthews."

"Goodbye, Doctor Curtis."

He hung up and called Tommy.

"Joe's Pool Hall, Eight ball speaking."

"Hey, it's me."

"Hi, me, what's going on?"

"I just got a call from a Doctor Curtis over at County General. He said that Jay is there."

"

WHAT?????

" There was a loud banging noise before Tommy's voice was heard again. "Sorry. I dropped the phone. My God, is he all right?"

"No. He's in intensive care in pretty bad shape and almost died from what the doctor said. He also said that there were serious extenuating circumstances surrounding Jay's cheating."

"Doctor Curtis is one of the psychiatrists that AVP sends people to for counseling after they've been gay-bashed, whenever Doctor Foster is unavailable. They're also both medical doctors. If he said it, you can most definitely believe it. Are you going to go see him?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure I even want to see him, let alone know what to say to him."

"Do you still love him?"

After a long pause, Kyle finally responded with a quiet "Yes."

"Then go see him. He's crazy about you. Whenever we're together and you're not around, all he can talk about is you and how much in love with you he is. Look, if you're thinking about what happened between you and Corey, don't. All the while he was cheating on you he was also cheating on the guy he was cheating on you with. He was even cheating on that guy. Corey couldn't be faithful if his life depended on it. Judging by his reputation, he has a very hard time keeping his dick in his pants. You're way better off with out him. I don't think anyone could possibly be more promiscuous than him. If you had stayed with him, God only knows what disease you would have caught from him no matter how careful you were. Besides, how many times did he tell you he was in love with you? The same can be said for Danny, and don't even get me started on Ethan. He should have been thrown in jail for the way he abused you mentally and emotionally."

"He used to say he loved me all the time."

"No, how many times did he say that

he was in love with you

?" Tommy insisted.

"I can't recall him ever saying that."

"There's a big difference in loving someone and being in love with someone. I can say that I love you, and I do, but I'm not in love with you. I don't want to have sex with you or spend the rest of my life as your lover, but I do very much want to spend the rest of my life as your close friend. See the difference?"

"Yeah, now that you have explained it, I do."

"How many times has Jay said that he was in love with you?"

"Way too many times to count."

"That proves my point. Jay's the total exact opposite of those creeps. Also, both Andy and I have seen Jay at the club many times, shooting down hottie after hottie. Not even talking to anyone. Just listening to the music and having a beer or two before going home alone. He's had more than ample opportunity to cheat on you if he really wanted to. Something's going on, and I think you owe it to the both of you to find out what it is. You need to know why he did it."

"Like I said, I'll think about it, and I'll let you know what my decision is."

"Cool. Make sure that when you do talk to him, you keep an open mind and really listen. Listen with your heart, not your brain. Blaise Pascal once said 'The heart has its reason which reason does not know.' You're heart will know what to do."

"Okay. Talk to you later."

"Okay, and thanks for calling and letting me know."

Chapter 12

A few days later...

"Murphy's Mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em." Andy said, answering his cell phone.

"You're very funny." Kyle responded, sarcastically.

"What's up?" Andy asked.

I've decided to go see Jay. I talked with Doctor Curtis and he's off the critical list. I'm just not sure what to say." Kyle responded.

"Well, how about starting out with 'I love you', and follow up with 'I want to try to work things out'."

"That's the thing. I'm not sure I want to. I mean, I still love him, but that's just not enough. I don't trust him anymore, and that was a major part of our relationship."

"What if he was forced into it against his will? You know, raped at gun- or knife-point?"

"I hadn't considered that. But then again, I didn't see any gun or knife when I walked in on them, nor did I find one when I was moving his things out into the garage."

"Think about it, Kyle. Jay's a top. Why would he willingly bottom for a perfect stranger but not you?"

"Hmmm, you're right. I don't think he would, but that doesn't change the fact that he did, and he wasn't putting up a fight. You know how strong he is, that plus his Tae Kwon Do, he should have been able to overpower his attacker."

"I have to agree with you on that point, unless there's more to it than the obvious." Andy admitted, reluctantly.

"What more could there be?" Kyle asked, puzzled.

"I'm afraid only Jay can answer that question."

"You know, the more I think about it, the less I want to see him or ever talk to him again."

"I can understand that you feel that way, Kyle, but what if I'm right? If he didn't do it willingly, and you never gave him the chance to prove himself you'd regret it for the rest of your life. You owe it to the both of you to find out exactly what happened."

"And if I find out that he did do it willingly?"

"Then he's out of your life for good. But you need to find out for sure."

"You're right, as usual. I'll go and listen to what he has to say then I'll let you guys know. Would you guys like to come over for dinner later? I have a feeling I'll need some company."

"Sure. We'd love to."

"Is pizza okay?"

"It's fine with us. What time?"

"I have to stop by the art gallery and pick up a check. Another painting got sold today, and they want me to bring over about ten more. How about seven o'clock?"

"Great! Congratulations!"

"Thanks."

"We'll see you around seven. Talk to you later, Bro."

"Thanks for listening and giving me the kick in the ass that I needed."

"Not a problem. Later."

"Bye."

Later that afternoon...

"Excuse me, Nurse. Could you please tell me what room Jayson Williams is in?" Kyle asked.

The Nurse consulted her chart for a moment. "I'm sorry, but Mister Williams is on the restricted visitation list. May I have your name please?"

"Kyle Matthews."

"Matthews...Matthews...ah yes, here you are. Kyle Matthews. May I see some identification please?"

Kyle took out his wallet and handed her his driver's license.

The Nurse examined the license carefully then looked sharply at Kyle before handing the license back to him. "Thank you Mister Matthews. He's down the hall, next to the last room on the left." She reached over and clipped a special visitor's badge to his shirt collar.

"Thank you, Nurse." He walked down the hall, checking the names on the door. He stood outside the door to Jay's room for what seemed like an eternity before knocking on the closed door, showing his visitor's badge to the guard stationed there.

His heart sank as a very weak "Come in" answered his knock. He slowly opened the door and walked in, only to be stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of his lover, restrained, all bandaged and bruised with all kinds of wires and tubes coming out of various openings in Jay's hospital pajamas. Tears built up in his eyes and threatened to overflow. Jay looked up, saw Kyle standing there then looked away in shame.

"I brought you your favorite plant."

"Thanks." Jay replied quietly.

"How are you feeling? Are you up to talking?"

"Taking about what?"

"About what happened two weeks ago?" Kyle said, placing the plant on the window sill before sitting on the edge of the bed.

"What's there to talk about? You walked in on me getting fucked in the ass and threw me out without even giving me the chance to explain, end of story." Jay responded belligerently.

"Okay. But at least tell me one thing."

"What?"

"Why? Why'd you do it? Wasn't I good enough for you anymore? Am I too old, fat or ugly? Why, Jayson?" The tears came.

It broke Jay's heart to see Kyle crying. What was worse was that, because of the restraints, he couldn't hold him, nor could he reach up to brush away the tears.

"God no, Kyle, you're the most wonderful, sexy, gorgeous man I ever laid eyes on. I love you so much it hurts."

The tears were quickly replaced by anger. "The why did you do it, Jayson Edward Williams? How long have you been getting fucked by that guy? Was it a few days, a couple of weeks,

SEVERAL MONTHS? HOW LONG, JAYSON? AND HOW MANY OTHER GUYS WHERE THERE?

" He shouted.

Jay shrank back from the blast of anger hurled in his direction. He started to cry. "It was only that one time, and I didn't have any choice. I was forced to do it. There were no other guys." He said, sincerely.

"Like hell you didn't have a choice! There was no gun to your head or knife at your throat. You didn't even put up a struggle. You were just laying there with his dick in your ass."

Jay then told Kyle all about being seen kissing him, the email message and the phone call.

"And you honestly expect me to believe that crock of bullshit, Mister Hotshot FBI Agent?"

"It's the truth, Kyle." Jay pleaded. "I've never lied to you about anything. Shit, I can't even keep a secret as simple as a Christmas present from you."

"Yeah, whatever, obviously I'm wasting my time." He got up and headed towards the door. "All of your stuff is in the garage whenever you want to come and pick it up." He stormed out, leaving Jay in tears.

He stormed to the elevator and punched the button angrily.

I've heard some wild stories in my day, but that one takes the cake.

The thought ran through his mind.

But yet in the five years we've been together, not once did he lie to me. Not even a white lie. But yet again, even if he was telling the truth about the email and the phone call, it's highly unlikely that an FBI field agent would submit to such coercion.

That evening over pizza he told Tommy and Andy what Jay had said. "I want to believe him. I really do, but it's so far-fetched."

"Is it really that far-fetched? Think about it, Kyle. Jay worships the ground you walk on, and he'd do anything, even die, to protect you. You know that." Andy said softly.

"Yeah, I know. I just wish I could believe him."

"He's never lied to you. He can't even keep a secret from you. Why do you think he always waits until Christmas Eve or the day of your birthday to pick out your presents?" Tommy said as he cleared the table in preparation to play Killer Bunnies.

"True, but what kind of FBI agent would submit to that kind of coercion?"

"It would be the closeted kind who is scared about the safety of his lover and would do anything to protect him. I wish there was something I could to do help."

"You're doing it, believe me.

After about an hour, Kyle said "I'm sorry guys. I just can't seem to concentrate on the game."

"That's okay, bro. We'll help you finish cleaning up then call it a night. Get some rest and try not to think about it too much. You'll drive yourself nuts."

A few minutes later, Kyle was alone. Not finding anything of interest to watch on TV, he gave up and went to bed.

Chapter 13

Hi, this is Kyle. I'm not able to take your call right now, so please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible." BEEP.

"Kyle, this is Karin. Please give me a call when you get a chance. Thanks. Bye for now." She hung up. "Well, that's strange."

"What's strange?" Denise asked.

Karin sat on the couch, snuggling up to her lover. "Kyle changed the message on his answering machine."

"So?"

"It just says 'This is Kyle', nothing about Jay." She responded, puzzled.

"I wonder what's going on."

"Well, there's one way to find out." She picked up the phone and dialed.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Kim, it's Karin. Have you heard about Kyle and Jay having any problems?"

"Yeah, Kyle came home from work last week and caught Jay having sex with another guy in the middle of the living room floor."

"Please tell me you're joking." Karin replied, shocked.

"Believe me, I wish I could, but it's true. The next time I see Jay I'm going to rip him a new one. I'm going to rip up one side of him, down the other and back up the middle. My little brother is completely devastated. According to Tommy, he's blaming himself."

"Why?"

"He told Tommy and Andy that he was too old, ugly, or fat for him."

"No way!"

"Big way. He considers himself a Twinkie because he's blond and built like a brick shithouse."

"That's bullshit. Twinkies strip and throw themselves on their backs with their legs in the air anytime a man snaps his fingers. Not to mention their 'I'll-stand-and-model-because-I'm-so-much-better-than-you' attitudes, not to mention the fact that most of them are incapable of carrying on an intelligent conversation on any subject other than themselves. Kyle's no more of a Twinkie than you and I are."

"I agree, but that's how he feels about himself."

"Why do I have a feeling that his ex is behind that? Well, we'll just have to do something about that, won't we? Do you think it would be okay if I call him?"

"I don't know. You can try. He needs as many of his friends around him right now as he can get."

"Okay, let me give him a call."

"Wait a minute, Karin Believe it or not, there's more. According to Kyle, Jay was the bottom and he just laid there."

"I thought Jay was a top?"

"He is. That makes me think there's more to it than the obvious."

"Like what?"

"Like he was threatened somehow or forced into it."

"He's an FBI Agent. He wouldn't submit to threats." Karin responded.

"Not against himself, but against Kyle?"

"Oh shit!" She cried. "Omigod, is Kyle all right?"

"Physically, he's fine." Kim soothed. "But like I said, emotionally he's pretty messed up. Tommy and Andy are keeping an eye on him and trying to be there whenever he needs them without smothering him."

Alarmed, Karin asked a question to which she dreaded the answer. "You don't think he'd do anything stupid, do you?"

"Not at all," Kim assured her, "especially with the exhibit going so well."

"What exhibit?" she asked.

"Didn't you get my message the other day?"

"No. What message?" She shot Denise a quizzical look, who simply shrugged her shoulders.

"He's exhibiting some of his paintings at the art gallery, and sold quite a few. I went and checked it out the other day. I didn't know he had so many. I've only seen a handful of them, which were awesome, but compared to the ones in the exhibit, they look like a child's drawing made with crayons. He's truly gifted, and it's wonderful to see him get the recognition he deserves."

"Wow! That's fantastic news." She turned to her lover. "Kyle's got an exhibit at the art gallery and has sold several of his paintings. We have to go check it out." she said excitedly. Denise smiled and gave an enthusiastic double 'thumbs-up'. "I don't think I've ever seen any of his paintings."

"Actually, you have. He did the one over my fireplace."

"Kyle did that? Wow. I thought you guys bought it somewhere. It's stunning." Noting the quizzical look on Denise's face, she explained. "Kyle did the painting that Kim and Bryan have over their fireplace."

"You're kidding, right?"

Karin shook her head. "No, Kim just told me."

"We have to go check out the exhibit, like yesterday." Karin informed her lover excitedly.

"Gotta go. Please keep me posted. Thanks, Kim."

"No problem."

"Give Bryan a big hug for me and let me know if you find out anything more."

"Sure will, Karin. Later!"

"Bye-bye." She dialed Kyle's number. On the third ring, he picked up.

"Hello?" He said quietly.

All the while she was talking to Kim she secretly hoped it was a prank. Hearing Kyle's normally upbeat voice so subdued dashed that hope into the ground. What Kim had told her was true. Her heart broke for her beloved cousin. Her voice trembled as she spoke. "Oh, Kyle, Kim just told me what happened. I'm so, so, so very sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

"Hi Karin, thanks, but there's nothing anyone can do. I just have to figure out to deal with it. Right now I just don't know what to do."

"So what happened? I thought you two were getting on so well?"

"So did I, but I obviously did something wrong. Why else would he have cheated on me?" Kyle replied tersely.

"Now you listen to me, Kyle Matthews. You did nothing wrong. It wasn't your fault." Karin's voice raised a notch.

"If I didn't do anything make him cheat on me, then kindly explain to me why he did it?" Kyle responded with equal heat.

"I'm afraid only Jay could answer that. But I know you, Kyle. You would do anything to please him. I seem to recall an incident involving handcuffs that scared you shitless, but you went along with it anyway."

He shuddered at the memory of the night he had allowed Jay to handcuff him to the bed and do whatever he wanted to him. Even though they weren't real handcuffs, being made out of plastic with a release button that he could easily reach, he was still scared out of his mind, and for once in his life didn't enjoy Jay being inside him and had wished it never happened. "You knew about that?" He asked, horrified. If she knew, how many others did?

"Yeah, don't you remember telling me about if? I ran into you at the coffee shop the following morning and you were still frightened by the whole thing. It took me over an hour to get you to open up. I wanted to go smack the shit out of him over that."

"Fortunately, he never asked me to do it again. I'm not into bondage, S & M, bad porn dialog or any of that other stuff. To me, that's not love. That's abuse." He snapped his fingers. "That's it. That's why he cheated on me. He likes it rough. From what little I saw, the guy screwing him was really rough. I saw him punch Jay in the kidney and he did nothing but lay there. I know he enjoyed it because when he got up he was hard as a rock."