The Last Night

I lay in bed, wearing nothing but black satin boxer shorts. A thin white sheet covers my legs and is grasped in a bunch beneath my chin. The apartment is silent. I already feel alone, even though it is not yet time to say goodbye. Not yet time for him to abandon me and force me to find myself all over again. I was so close, and now he’s leaving, right when I need him the most.

I stare at the wall in the almost pitch blackness. My eyes have become accustomed to the darkness. I feel as though I’m frozen in time and this feeling will never end. The pain is ongoing and I’m stuck, unable to control time and make it fast-forward to a period when I may be happy again, or rewind to when we were together – unrestricted, happy, and in love.

My body is numb and I’m unable to move. I remember the tenderness of his caresses, the feel of his body close to mine. It was the most miraculous feeling in the world. But soon we will be apart for the first time in eight years. I can’t stand the thought of not being able to see or touch him every day. They all say I’ll live, that I’ll get over it, but I’m so scared I won’t. My life won’t have meaning without him in it. It won’t be worth going on.

The door clicks open behind me and I see his shadowy figure projected onto the wall I had been staring at. He stands motionless, and I can feel him watching me as he leans against the doorframe. My breath shudders out of my body and I close my eyes to hold back the tears. He had previously thought I was asleep, but now he has seen my movement, and he enters the room. He sits down beside me on the bed and leans in to plant a soft kiss on the back of my neck. I shiver as he moves down, tickling feathery light kisses down my spine. I feel his tongue dart out and glide all the way back up to my neck and his hand slips onto my hip, caressing my sensitive skin. I know I should make him stop. It’ll just make it all the more painful to let him go when he leaves, but tonight will be our last night together – I have to make it last.

He moves in behind me, stroking my stomach as he sucks lightly on my earlobe. I haven’t yet made a move, but I am so scared that if I do anything it will all be over too soon. His hands trace their way up to my cheek and he turns my face to his to brush his lips lightly against mine. I roll towards him and stroke his face, studying every tiny feature with both my fingers and my eyes. I look into his deep chocolate brown eyes and finally I can’t contain the emotion anymore and my eyes fill with tears. He moves in and simply hugs me. The sobs rack my body as he rubs my back. He kisses my cheek and I bury my face in his neck. He tries to pull back to look at me but I won’t let him; I won’t let go. I don’t want him to leave me. I need him.

I want to punch him and kick him for what he is doing to me. I feel so much anger. How could he? But also I want him to hold me in his arms, kiss me and touch me and tell me that everything will be alright. I want him to love me. He tells me he does, and God, I want to believe him, but if he really did, why would he leave?

“I love you Paul,” he whispers, and I cry more knowing that even though I don’t want to believe him, it’s true. I can’t answer. I don’t want to speak, just feel.

I reach up and tangle my fingers in his silky dark hair, pushing him onto his back. He looks up at me and I see the same mixture of pain and desire that I am feeling in his eyes. I lean in and kiss him, our tongues instantly dancing together like lacy spiderwebs in the wind. He pulls me down on top of him, grazing his fingernails over my back, sending tremors through me. I run my hands all over his body and his breathing grows shallow as I unbutton his shirt and pull it off. I lean in and suck one of his nipples as I trail my fingertips slowly up and down his ribs. He closes his eyes, breathing deeply. I love the hardness of his body pressed against mine, but we are not yet close enough.

Our remaining clothing is discarded and we study each other’s bodies with our tongues, lips and hands. I rock against him and he reaches up, pulls me down, kisses me. We move back and our eyes lock. His lips part as if to tell me something but no sound comes out. I know what he wants.

I slide down his body and stroke the inside of his thighs. His hands find my head as I flick my tongue over his tip, closing my eyes as I take in his length. I can hear his breathing, harsh and ragged, his tiny moans, and God, it turns me on even more. I slide my fingers up the underside of his shaft and he cries out softly. I begin delving my fingers inside him as I carry him closer towards ecstasy with my mouth and tongue. He pulls me back up and kisses me as I slide into him. I groan as our bodies come alive with pleasure, joined to become a single being. We move together, our eyes finding each other’s and locking whenever our lips part, stroking each other as our pace quickens. Suddenly I am blind with pleasure. I see stars and my body takes over. I cry out as the intensity reaches an overwhelming peak and I can hear him yelling out my name as our bodies release our energy and emotion in a shuddering climax.

The pleasure ebbs and our breathing slows. I see his face and move in to kiss him deeply, instantly re-igniting our tender passion. I withdraw from him and he rolls me over so our positions are reversed. He strokes me all over, his hands everywhere, tongue darting out every now and then, teeth grazing my skin. I am shaking and my eyes are closed as I let my body only feel. He caresses my skin lightly, running his fingers along my shaft, and I feel him pushing against me gently. I relax my muscles and feel him slide into me. I moan and he begins to thrust, his hands worshipping every part of my body. Our lovemaking is slow and intense, but it is all over too soon as he moves deeper inside me. I am blind once again as we call out each other’s names in the throes of our passionate union.

We kiss and he begins to move away, but I wrap my arms and legs around him, holding him close. I want to prolong the feeling of him being inside me for as long as possible. He looks into my eyes and strokes my hair, kisses my face; my forehead, my nose, cheeks, chin, eyelids, lips. I can feel the tears growing in my eyes once more and I feel his own tears dampening my chest. Finally I allow him to release himself from my body. We curl up in each other’s arms and cry together until we fall asleep.

I wake and my body is numb and tender. I reach out beside me and feel only cold sheets. My eyes open and I stare at the empty space. The bliss is gone and I feel hollow. He has really left me. I don’t want to believe it. I see the note sitting on the dressing table, my name written on the front in his handwriting. I stare at it for what seems like hours. I can’t open it. I know that if I read it that will make it final, and there will be no going back. I don’t want it to be over. I want to cry but the tears won’t come.

I swing my legs off the bed and pull on my boxer shorts, then stand up and pad out to the kitchen. I make myself a cup of tea without thinking about it and sit down at the kitchen table. I hold the steaming hot cup in my hands but don’t drink from it. I stare into space, thinking about nothing. By the time I take a sip of the drink it is stone cold, and I throw the rest down the sink, rinse out the cup and sit it upside down on the draining rack. I stand still, gripping the bench in front of the sink, my eyes unfocussed. I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing worthwhile doing. Without him I feel devoid of anything. I don’t even feel the pain. My brain won’t accept the truth.

I scuff my way back to the bedroom and sit down on the bed, my eyes automatically finding the note again. I stare at it until the sun begins to drop towards the horizon, and then finally I pick it up. I trace my finger over the lines of ink that mark my name. I know I have to do it. I take a deep breath and unfold the note.

Paul,

I love you. I’m sorry. Goodbye.

Forever, Tim.

It is short and simple, but it speaks of things only we could ever know. I feel the dampness on my chest again and look down with blurred vision to see my own tears dripping to my skin. I crumple the note slightly in my fingers as I curl up on my side on the bed, the tears finally expelling themselves from my body. He had been so good to me. He had been my one and only love, and now I’ve lost him. He’s gone. I hadn’t even told him I loved him. If I’d just told him how I felt maybe he would still be here. And I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I press the note to my lips. Salty tears drip onto the page, causing the ink to run. I stare at it as the words fade, disappearing forever. Finally I admit the truth to myself.

“I love you Timmy, goodbye…” I whisper. It’s over.